October 7, 1998
Heesoo's POV
Minji never called us. I gave hope on that around sometime in July. I knew she wouldn't so I'm glad I told her what I did. Our Summers that were usually full of excitement and fun were filled with disdain and torment. Not even just over Minji. Everyone was doing their own thing over the summer in separate groups. We all haven't been together at all since that time on the beach when Minji and Haerin broke up. It was hard for me. It was like my family was breaking up. Thank god things started to settle down when school started back. It's finally our senior year. It's exciting, but also I'm scared. Will we all go our separate ways after this? Will I see them ever again?
Everything is as normal as it's going to get at this point. Jungwon and I are finally back on speaking terms. Haerin and Danielle seem to be closer than ever. They've always had a special bond that I could never understand. Of course Hanbi and Hyein are still bickering everyday, but they are doing good as well. It makes me happy that everyone is doing well—it's like I can finally be at peace.
"So when are we going on our camping trip this year?" Oh yes. Every year we go on a group camping trip for a weekend. Usually we do it during the summer, but this year it was kind of difficult with everything everyone was going through during the summer.
"I can't go anytime this month. I have conditioning for basketball every weekend." Jungwon frowned as he munched on a chip in his mouth.
"We could go during winter break sometime. That starts at the end of November." That would probably be best for us since we won't have any school activities to worry about. God this is the first thing I've been able to look forward to in a long time. Everyone else agreed to that saying we would pick a specific date later.
"Oh I can drive us this year! I got my drivers license." Jungown reached into his wallet and held his license like it was a trophy in the air. God I don't know how he got his license he can barely ride a bike.
"Fuck no. With you behind the wheel there is no chance we are making it back alive." Hanbi yanked him back down into his seat smacking his shoulder. The boy just pouted, putting his license back in his wallet.
"He's good. He drove me the other day." Haerin spoke up, gently patting her brother's head. Ah the twins are always sticking by each other.
"No offense Haerin, but there is no way I trust him to drive me. I'm precious cargo." Everyone laughed, even Jungwon who was pouting.
"I promise I'm good! I'll be really safe, it'll be fun. At least we won't have to have one of our parents drive us then pick us up?" It was silent for a moment as we all waited for Hanbi's response. I don't know why we were leaving the decision up to her, but we were.
'Fine. I swear to god Jungwon if I die I'll never forgive you." She huffs getting up to throw away her tray. Hanbi is always so dramatic.
-
Haerin's POV
"I think you may end up being the top of our class at this rate Rin." I look to my left and see Dani looking at my perfect score on our math exam. I nod my head turning back to the teacher. I don't want to be number one, because then I have to give a speech in front of the whole class, and their family and friends. I don't think I can do that. "What's wrong?" Dani leaned over patting my arm when the teacher turned her back to us.
"Nothing, just thinking about the speech I'll have to give." I've gotten better at communicating and just being around people in general in the last several months. In a way I think Minji is the reason. When I realized what I felt for her and gained the courage to tell her, ever since then it feels like I can do anything I want to. I don't think about her as much as I used to. Don't get me wrong, I still do, but it's not at the forefront of my mind anymore.
I was living with a lot of regret for a long while, but I realized I can't live the rest of my life holding onto something that is never going to happen. I had to move on, and I think I have. I loved her. I know I did, but that doesn't matter anymore. I have to love myself before I can love someone else, and that's the hardest thing I had to learn. Because I don't love myself, but I'm trying to.
"You'll do great, I'll help you write it. It'll be the best speech the school has ever seen." Dani gives me a thumbs up before turning her attention away from me. I think we are finally in a place where we can be like we used to be. Not the romantic part, I don't think it'll ever be like that again. A while ago I was thinking about her as my soulmate and I still believe that, just not in the way I thought she was. She's my person—just not in the way I thought she was. Dani has the biggest most beautiful heart and I can't wait to meet the person who she can finally share it with forever.
-
When Jungwon and I were walking home we saw Heesoo with Hyunwook. We've only met him a couple times, but he seems nice. I think he's in college now, but he comes back every once in a while to see Heesoo. She says they are just friends, but the way they look at each other tells a different story. I looked up at my brother who had a tiny smile on his face.
"Are you okay?" He immediately looks down at me wrapping his arms around my shoulder.
"Of course. I'm just glad that she is happy." I furrowed my eyebrows as we continued on her path.
"Are you happy?" Jungwon just laughed, pulling me tighter against him.
"Yeah I think so, are you happy?" I sigh, closing my eyes for a second. Am I happy? I think so.
"I'm getting there." He didn't answer, he just nodded and continued our way back home holding each other. I feel like I haven't really talked to him in a while. It feels good.
-
November 27, 1998
Heesoo's POV
We all have been packing all day for our big trip tomorrow, well except Hanbi she got the flu so she won't be coming with us. I'm kind of sad about it, but I want her to feel better. Maybe we can go on another trip with her soon. Jungwon is going to drive us. It took a lot of convincing his mom, but she eventually gave in. Hanbi is probably grateful she's sick so she doesn't have to be in the car. Hyein pouted the whole day yesterday trying to convince Hanbi that she didn't have the flu and that she was okay to come. She even spent the whole day making some kind of concoction that she planned to 'force' down Hanbi's throat, but Hanbi wouldn't even let her inside her house. Which I mean fair.
I look over at Haerin sitting on my bed scribbling on a piece of paper with her tongue slightly sticking out of her mouth. "What are you writing?" Haerin immediately darted her cat eyes at me before looking back down at the paper.
"My speech for graduation." Ah yes. Haerin is going to end up being the top rank by a long shot so they already told her a few weeks ago. Graduation isn't till next semester though why is she already writing it?
"That's not for months though?" Haerin nodded as she continued to concentrate on the paper in front of her.
"I'm supposed to have it finished and approved by the time we get back for break." Oh. That's pretty short notice though. That's probably why it looks like she's working really hard on it. I walk over towards her and try to see what she's writing, but she just hides the paper with her hands looking up at me with furrowed eyebrows.
"Why can't I see it?" I laugh a little, stepping back. Haerin just huffs, folding the paper and putting it in her pocket.
"I want you guys to be surprised and proud of me when I say it in front of everyone." A small smile forms on my face at Haerin's words. I sat next to her on the bed, not touching her, but to where our shoulders were almost touching.
"We would be proud of you no matter what. This is a great achievement and you deserve it. I know you are going to get up there and kill it!" Haerin's frown was replaced with a smile as she nodded her head.
"Thanks Heesoo."
-
August 15, 2023
School is finally about to start back in a couple days. Hanni and I have spent the whole summer going on different little adventures and just having a good time. I still haven't told Hanni how I truly feel yet, but that will all change tonight. We are going to our favorite spot at the lake where no one knows about—at least that I know about. I don't think Hanni knows that I'm planning to confess to her tonight. She is just acting like she usually does.
"Hypothetically if we were to leave the country we wouldn't have to start school next week." I laughed turning towards the girl who was just scrolling through different social media on her phone.
"That is true, however, how are we going to afford to do that?" I raised an eyebrow questioning the smaller girl next to me. Hanni seemed to think for a moment then she looked at me with a mischievous glint in her eye.
"You could get a job?" What the fuck? Even if I did get a job, school starts in a couple days there is no way I would get enough to send us both overseas.
"Why can't you be the one to get a job?" Hanni scoffed as she rolled her eyes looking me dead in the eye.
"I am not cut out for the workforce, so I'm sorry but you're going to have to be the breadwinner in this relationship because I like expensive things." My eyes widen at her choice of words. Completely ignoring the fact that she said that she is going to force me to work so she can do nothing and just steal my money, but focusing on the relationship part.
"Relationship?" I cough out drifting my eyes away from the smaller girl and to the window in the Pham residence living room.
"Yeah? Well I just assumed we would be friends when we were older too since it's been that since birth?" I looked over at Hanni and her cute furrowed eyebrows. Have I been reading this all wrong? Does she not want to be with me romantically anymore? I feel my heart clench even thinking about that. I shouldn't have waited this long to say something. I should have said something sooner, anything at all. I need to change the subject fast or I think I'll have a heart attack.
"Are we still going to the lake tonight?" Hanni nodded her head—albeit still being confused. God I hope she hasn't moved on because that is going to make tonight really difficult.
-
As I was looking at the necklace I got Hanni, it's kind of lame it's just a simple silver chain with a star and my initials on it. My dad came into my room holding a box full of stuff. As I looked closer it had my mom's name on it, Heesoo.
"What is that?" I got up walking towards the older man shifting my eyes between him and the box in his hands.
"It's a box of some of your mothers stuff that I plan to throw away. I already put up most of her clothes into boxes to donate and this is just stuff that no one can really use." Oh? I thought he didn't want to get rid of anything. I don't think I've ever seen him go in my mother's closet since her death.
"Are you sure?" My dad took a heavy breath setting the box on my desk and pulled me into his arms.
"I think I need to do it. It seems like the next step to take. I should have taken it a long time ago. Seeing you be able to move on and get better over the last several months has inspired me to do the same. I smile digging my face into his chest. I'm glad my dad is trying to move on. "I brought this in here to see if there was anything you wanted inside of it before I threw it away."
"Oh?" My father lets go of me and I walk to my desk opening the box on top of it and am met with random trinkets, notes, old books, and the one thing I haven't seen in months. Her diary. I feel an ache in my chest after seeing it for the first time in a while. I want to take it and see how everyone is doing, but I know I shouldn't. That's in the past and I'm grateful for it, but I've moved on and I just don't think it would be good for me if I were to look through it again.
"Well? See anything good in there you want to keep?" My dad gives me a small smile nudging me with his shoulder.
"No. You can throw it away." All he does is press a kiss to the side of my head and takes the box and leaves my room. This is for the best. I don't need it anymore, I have everything I need here.
-
It's time. All my months of waiting. All the years I've been struggling with what I feel for the girl sitting next to me on the grainy sand. It was quiet as we watched the calm water move back and forth. You can hear all the tiny insects all around us and to probably anyone else that would be disgusting, but I found it calming.
"I think when I'm older I'm just going to build a little hut right here and just live off the wilderness." Huh? Hanni giggles as she bundles herself closer in the thin blanket she brought.
"What about me? Can I live in your hut?"
"No. There won't be enough space, you can build one next to mine and we can be neighbors."
"Why can't we just build one big hut and live in it?" Hanni shrugs, kicking up a bit of sand with her foot.
"I guess we could. Do you want to live with me forever?"
"Yes." The atmosphere after that became less lighthearted and more serious. Hanni turned and looked at me for a second and looked like she was going to say something, but she didn't. I looked away from her because I'm scared now. I wasn't before, but I'm scared she's going to reject me. I need to do it right now before I chicken out and never do it.
"Hanni?" The smaller girl looked over; she looked just as scared as I felt. Maybe she feels the same way? I don't know what possessed me, but instead of speaking I just leaned over and pressed my lips against hers. After a couple seconds she wasn't reciprocating this kiss so I was about to pull away, but then she grabbed the back of my head pulling me even closer to her.
As our lips were molding together like they were meant for each other all I could think about was how I was stupid not to realize my feelings for the girl earlier. I felt something wet on my face so I pulled away and that's when I realized Hanni was crying.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I furrowed my eyebrows pulling the girl next to me even closer so I could wrap my arm around her.
"I just thought there was no hope for us, and every once in a while it would seem like maybe you liked me, but you would never say anything. So I just thought you were being friendly." Hanni was crying hard at this point. I didn't realize she was struggling so much with this. I feel a frown form on my face knowing all she was going through over the past few months.
"Fuck Hanni I'm sorry I just didn't want you to think I was using you to get over Haerin. I just wanted to do things right. I'm sorry I didn't say something earlier." I crawled around getting in front of her so I could see her face better.
"You like me? You actually like me?" She looked up at me with a small smile on her face. I laugh a little bit seeing her mood switch so quickly.
"Pham Hanni, I love you. I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you forever." It feels good to finally say it. After all this time and struggles it feels good to finally say it to her. It feels even better seeing the bright smile that spreads across her face.
"I love you too!" I don't think I have smiled as big as I did at this moment. It feels like my cheeks are about to rip with how wide my smile is. I place my hand gently on her face as I bring her in for another kiss. This time the kiss was passionate and intense like we were starving and the only thing that could fulfill us was each other. Hanni crawled her way on to my lap as she wrapped her arms around my neck deepening the kiss. This time I know this is my person. No uncertainty, nothing. She's for me.
"Wait, let me give you your gift." I broke away from her lips reaching over grabbing the little box out of my bag.
"Damn it Minji I've waited for like eternity for this! Can't you give it to me later and we kiss now?" Hanni groaned, slamming her head into my shoulder making me laugh.
"We can do that after you open it. There is no time limit." Hanni just sighs heavily and makes a cute pout on her face as she takes the small box out of my hand expecting it before opening it. The look of shock on her face made me laugh a little. It's nothing much really. It's just a necklace.
"Thank you. It's beautiful. Also didn't take you for the possessive type? The initial—really?" I'm not possessive? I just thought it would be nice for her to always have a piece of me with her. Hanni leaned down a little pit pecking my lips before handing me the necklace while lifting her hair. I placed the necklace around her neck clasping it and then straightened it so the star and the letter M were in the middle.
"Wait, one more thing." Hanni looked at me with a curious look in her eye.
"Will you marry me?" I try to keep a serious face, but the look of absolute horror and shock that went over the Vietnamese girl's face made me crack a smile. "Just kidding, one day—but not now. Will you be my girlfriend in the meantime?" Hanni visibly relaxed, realizing that I wasn't proposing to her.
"Holy fucking shit I thought you were being serious!" Hanni laughs before she nods her head "yes Kim Minji I'll be your girlfriend." After a silent victory in my head I leaned back in capturing her lips. Wait a minute.
"Do you not want to marry me?" Hanni groaned, smacking my shoulder.
"Minji if you continue to use your lips for another purpose than kissing mine then I think I'll have to kill you." Jesus Christ. When did she become so horny? "Listen, all this cute stuff is nice like yes I do love you! Yes I do want to marry you—one day. blah blah we love each other. WE KNOW! We get it! Can we please make out now?" I lean my head back roaring in laughter at her words as she just looked at me annoyed.
"I do love you Hanni." Her annoyed expression died down to a small grin as she leaned down laying her head on my shoulder.
"I love you too." It was silent for a while then she broke. "So can we kiss now?" I roll my eyes nodding my head.
"Yes we can kiss now."
-
November 27, 1998
We are leaving for the camping trip tomorrow evening. It was going to be in the morning, but Jungwon had practice in the morning so we had to wait for him. I'm so excited I haven't been this excited in a long while. We are going to have so much fun I know it! I'm still sad that Hanbi can't come, but we'll still have fun. It's going to be the best trip ever I can feel it!
Heesoo