Up until I made Lucia ask me about it, I wasn't aware how desperately I needed to say it out loud. An image plagued my mind – Elena in an open coffin; pale, motionless, and too young. There was something surgical about the funeral, something that had been so focused on keeping our family's image pristine, untouched by tragedy. The only person crying had been Dorian's mother.
And me – quietly, tears sliding down my cheeks like waterfalls, but not a sound leaving my lips. I still remembered the ache in my throat; angry, painful, vengeful.
My father had used the opportunity to gain sympathy points from his friends and rivals alike, and I remembered him shaking hands in the dark corners, making decisions and plans about his kingdom, while my sister's body rotted in the coffin.
Lucia shifted on the bed; the laptop forgotten in front of her.
"Edmond mentioned the sixth Zaleria sibling." She whispered. "Elena."
Tears burned in my eyes at the mention of her name. I slid on the floor, the bottle of whiskey the only comfort I had.
"What happened?" Lucia prompted. "How did Dorian... get her killed?"
My head bumped against the wall behind me, "They were... involved, I guess."
"Isn't he engaged to Libby now?" She asked. "Why does he have a thing for your sisters?"
A harsh chuckle fell off my lips, "I don't know what he's doing with Libby, but his relationship with Elena had been, well, arranged."
"Oh?" Lucia pushed herself forward on the bed, and I wondered if she was just here for the drama.
I rolled the words on my tongue, not even sure where to begin.
"The Darascus were an old vampire line, with strong Romanian roots, and even though they lost their wealth along the way, their blood was still precious, at least according to my father. He wanted some of it in his family tree. So, ever since we were born, we knew Dorian would marry Elena."
"We?" Lucia echoed.
I glanced at her, "Dorian, Elena and I were friends. Best friends. Or they were best friends and I was the younger sister they dragged along wherever they went."
That day, I hadn't only lost my sister, but also my best friend. All that has been left behind was this seething hatred towards Dorian – and myself – for what had happened before Elena's death.
"How old were you when she died?" Lucia asked, like she remembered this wasn't just about what happened, but also about the consequences it has left behind.
"Fifteen." A sigh. "Dorian and Elena were two years older than me."
"Shit." Lucia murmured. "I'm sorry."
"Elena was different, for a seventeen-year-old." I continued, needing to get the story out of me. "She didn't like partying, or drinking. She didn't even like blood all that much. She used to say she was a human stuck in a vampire body. But she loved Dorian, or was in love with him."
"For real?" Lucia asked, her voice quieter with each question. "What about... him?"
I will try to fall in love with her. My eyelids closed the moment those words resurfaced in my head. He had said it a few days before Elena's death.
"He loved her." My voice quivered. "Just not romantically. He also loved partying and drinking, so she did it to please him, make him fall in love with her-"
I choked on my words, and had to wash the lump down with more whiskey. But it wasn't sadness, but resentment that which gathered in my throat, so strong not even the whiskey passed through it.
"They went out one night, and I guess Elena wanted to prove to him she could be fun enough to be with him, so she decided to attack two guys outside of the club here in Brooklyn."
"Where were you?" Lucia whispered, like she knew exactly what I was about to say.
I closed my eyes, a few tears escaping.
"Home. It was my father's birthday, and he requested all of us to stay in, but Elena rebelled because of Dorian."
Lucia said nothing, waiting for me to continue.
"I knew something would go terribly wrong." I choked. "I felt it in my bones; the night was too cold, and it had been raining for hours. I told Dorian to watch after her, I knew-"
I took in a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat, pushing down all the unresolved emotions that threatened to burst out.
"She attacked the two guys outside of the club." I continued. "Dorian was still in the club, or at least that's what he claims. It would have been fine if he had been with her, but he stayed inside. And Elena was weak – she hadn't been feeding on humans at that point."
"What happened?" Lucia whispered.
"One of them had a gun." I breathed out. "He shot her, straight in the head. She died on the spot."
I felt the hole in my heart stronger than usually as memories resurfaced. The anger, pain, hatred. While everyone else hated those two guys, I hated us. I hated vampires for making her behave in a way that wasn't natural to her.
"What happened to the two guys?" Lucia asked.
"Dorian happened." I spat. "He snapped their necks when he found her."
I chugged more whiskey, hoping the awful taste would burn through the resentment. But nothing helped; nothing made me feel better. I hated us for what happened. Both Dorian and myself.
"The next few months were a complete mess." I said, "Dorian wouldn't talk to anyone, and I hated him too much to be in the same room with him."
I wanted to punish him, turn his life into living hell, destroy him completely like he had destroyed me. The anger grew instead of passing, and twisted into something nasty, and vengeful, and unstoppable.
"My father had already made plans-" My face distorted into a grimace. "He had already made plans for Dorian to simply marry Libby instead-"
"Jesus Christ." Lucia interrupted, her own anger now surfacing. "What the fuck is wrong with you people? Don't any of you have feelings? She was his daughter!"
I was now crying, tears sliding down my cheeks without brakes. In desperation, I put the whiskey bottle down and buried my face in my hands.
"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!"
"I'm- I'm sorry." Lucia gathered herself quickly. "It's not your fault, your family is shitty, but you're fine. I promise."
I wiped the tears with the back of my palm, sniffled, swallowed, and continued.
"He didn't want to lose the Darascu line. And Dorian's brother and sister already had their own arrangements. Dorian was his last chance to get some of their blood into our family tree."
"That's fucking messed up."
"No shit." A bitter laugh left my lips.
Lucia caught my gaze, and squinted, "Isn't Libby... older than you?"
"Libby was thirty at the time." I answered. "But you know how we are, we spend most of our lives looking like we're in our twenties-"
"I know, I know." Lucia cut in. "But still, why not you?"
At those words, something childish and naive twisted inside me. A traitorous little feeling, strong enough to disperse all anger, and replace it with a much deeper, more primal resentment. Each of these feelings caused guilt, which ate at me little by little, destroying me from the inside out.
I will try to fall in love with her. I'm supposed to marry her.
I shook my head, pushing those memories deep down, hoping one day the darkness they resided in would destroy them, make them disappear forever.
"The Darascus were a precious bloodline, but not precious enough for his favourite daughter." I continued. "He wanted me to marry a vampire with more affluence and influence. But I spoiled his plans by turning into a huge disappointment. After I vocally supported us coming out, none of his rich vamps wanted me."
"Ha, that's a unique way to escape an arranged marriage." Lucia murmured.
I raised the whiskey bottle, "I'm nothing if not original."
"So..." Lucia drawled. "Dorian and you hated each other ever since?"
"There's more."
"Okay." Her words sounded careful. "Go on."
"Two months later, Dorian's family travelled to Romania for Christmas, and Dorian stayed behind because he still wouldn't leave his room, or interact with anyone."
The last time I saw Dorian's mother flashed before my eyes. She had come to talk to me, to ask me if I could convince Dorian to join them, and I had said I'd never talk to Dorian again. My own rage had created a cocoon around me, and I had swirled inside, unable to break free. A part of me still felt trapped in that hot claustrophobic space.
He needs to spend time with his family, it'll be good for him. You're the only one who can convince him, Odette.
Dorian's mother still remained the only vampire I've ever respected, and I had almost told her yes that day, just because she had been the only one openly crying on my sister's funeral.
Lucia patiently waited for me to continue.
"Their plane crashed on their way." I said, swallowing quickly the bile rising to my throat. "They died, all of them. His mom, dad, brother and sister, even grandmother-"
"Holy shit." Lucia gasped. "Holy fucking shit."
"Dorian became an orphan overnight." I breathed quickly, and my mind suddenly began to spin. "And my father, being the way he was, saw an opportunity."
"I'm beginning to think it's no fucking wonder Edmond is a sadistic monster."
I ignored her comments, knowing I might not spill the whole thing if I stopped now.
"Suddenly, it didn't matter if Dorian married Libby. Not when my father could adopt him, because Dorian was still underage, and have him officially become part of our family. That way, dad could control Dorian's future with less issues."
Lucia's voice changed when she spoke, it turned lower and hoarser.
"But you father didn't adopt Dorian, did he?"
I shook my head, and heard Lucia shift on the bed, the atmosphere shifting with her.
"Why didn't your father adopt him?"
Our eyes met, making me notice just how tense she appeared, sitting almost on the edge of the bed, gripping the sheets, waiting for my next sentence.
"I had... sway over my father back then." I whispered, allowing myself this one moment of honesty. "And I was so fucking angry. I wanted Dorian out of my life, forever. I thought... if my father didn't adopt him, I'd never have to see him again. So, I convinced my father not to adopt him."
Saying it out loud transported me back to another portion of my life I'd rather not remember.
Lucia kept quiet, but I somehow heard the judgement.
"What happened to him?" She asked, her voice flat, emotionless.
"He went back to Romania and I haven't seen him or heard from him in six years."
"Why did you do it?" Lucia asked. "He was just a kid."
I would never tell anyone, especially not Dorian, that even though I had hated him with every fibre of my being, I was also trying to protect him in a weird, twisted way. I had known what would have happened to him if he had become part of my family. And he became part of it anyway.
I would never tell anyone, especially not Dorian, that I still had the voicemail he sent after he had found out that my father decided against adopting him. The pain, the fear, the rage in his voice would never leave me, as long as I live.
I will never forgive you, not in a thousand years, not in a thousand lifetimes, for what you've done.
Instead of answering, I simply continued, "Once he returned, he was suddenly friends with Edmond, and I hated him even more. He began attending our balls and parties, showing up with affluent vampiresses on his arm, flaunting his wealth and success. That's when he opened the Lion's Den."
Lucia said nothing and I drank more whiskey. The lack of sleep and food made getting drunk easier.
"He used every opportunity to sabotage me." I said. "My father wanted to find a match for me, of course, and Dorian ruined it every time. He tried to kick me off the Council a couple of times, telling Edmond and my father that Libby was more competent than me."
"Isn't Libby, like, clinically insane?"
"She's a paranoid schizophrenic." I raised my eyebrow. "But Dorian didn't care about the Council or the wellbeing of our community – he just wanted to spite me. And when Adalhard – the Elder, outed us to the world, and I said it might be better to come out completely, Dorian told my father to cut me off because I betrayed our family-"
I realised I was babbling, and stopped. Lucia stared at me with a distraught expression; her eyes were wide and her lips parted. Perhaps she has just realised that I had a life before I met her.
"I have one question." Lucia articulated.
I braced myself.
"Are all of us pawns in your personal war against Dorian?"
"What?" I laughed, suddenly relieved. "Of course not."
"Are you sure?" Lucia arched her eyebrow. "I understand, you hate him because he didn't save your sister, and he hates you because you sent him to Romania, but this is bigger than the two of you-"
"I don't give two shits about Dorian-"
"Except when he's the one preventing you from talking to your father." Lucia cut in, suddenly seeming way too mature for her age. "None of it matters, though. All we need is money, Odette. And I'm begging you, if what it takes to keep me alive is make up with him, do it."
"I'll play nice, I promise." I nodded almost on impulse.
"Just tell him you need money." Lucia murmured. "Tell him you're sorry, and you need money. It doesn't even have to be true."
She was right, and I knew it. It wouldn't even have to be true. All I needed was some money.
Or I could take him down.
Dorian thought he was invincible now that he was under the protection of my father, but he underestimated me.
"I need to sleep." I lifted myself off the floor, and dragged my sorry ass to the couch, knowing I wouldn't fall asleep.
Because whenever I closed my eyes, one of the conversations replayed in my mind, stabbing me straight through the heart whenever I thought I was beginning to heal.
There had been a time when Dorian and I didn't hate each other, and unfortunately, those days were the last time I have felt peace.