I managed to sneak outside and sit down on a bench in the backyard where I took a few deep breaths letting the cold air calm me down.
"Warum hast du es mir nicht erzählt?" (Why didnt you tell me?) Mick suddenly stood in front of me.
"Was?" (What?) I asked confused.
"Dass sie dich rausgeworfen haben." (That they threw you out.) he said coldly holding up his phone with the F1 Instagram post pulled up.
"Mick. Ich wollte es dir sagen, wirklich, ich wollte nicht, dass du es so erfährst ich wusste nicht, wann sie es posten werden. Ich dachte ich hätte noch etwas Zeit. Es tut mir so leid." (Mick. I wanted to tell you, really, I didn't want you to find out this way, I didn't know when they were gonna post it. I thought I had a little more time. I'm so sorry) I said a tear escaping and making its way down my face.
"Ich dachte ich bin dein bester Freund? Ich dachte bei so etwas bin ich die erste Person, die du anrufst." (I thought I was your best friend. I thought I'd be the first one you call.)
"Es tut mir so leid. Mick bitte hör mir zu ich wollte es-..." (Im so sorry Mick listen please I wanted to-)
"Hör auf zu reden, Alexandra. Du hast genug gesagt." (Stop talking, Alexandra. You said enough.)
Another slap straight to the face.
" Mick, bitte- (Mick, please-)
"Nein! Lass mich in Ruhe!" (No! Leave me alone!)
My heart contracted painfully, and I supressed a pained whimper when he left.
Not long after he left, Kimi sat down next to me. My knees were pulled up to my chest with my arms secured around them. Without a word he put a jacket around my shoulders causing shivers to go down my spine from the sudden warmth.
"That didn't sound too great." He whispered.
I just shook my head.
"Everyone knows by now. Just wanted to warn you. What can I do?"
"Thank you. How much did you guys hear?" I breathed.
"A lot. I couldn't understand it Mick didn't hear. He and the others came inside when you went upstairs. So, I don't think he knows. No one understood I think."
"Seb? Max?"
"Yeah, they definitely understood then. And your brother as well."
"Thank you, Kimi." I said looking at him.
"You're welcome." He said putting an arm around me making me lean into the comfort.
"We should go to the Airport now. I was sent to get you. Your suitcase is already in the car."
He squeezed my shoulder one last time before I stood up and went to my room for the last time where I pulled bulky headphones on and blasted my music after hugging my brother goodbye. I then grabbed my carry-on bag and a jacket before finding myself a seat in Micks car. Seb and Kimi were the designated drivers, so Mick wasnt in the car. Lando, Carlos and Charles got in with me, and Seb took his place behind the steering wheel before driving off.
I just stared outside the windows ignoring worried looks from the others. I eventually must have fallen asleep because I woke up to Landos warm hand lightly shaking me.
"We're here Alex." He said softly.
My headphones were on my lap and an unfamiliar jacket was draped over my body.
"Thanks." I said shaking him off and before I could even put my headphones back on, he put a hand on top of mine.
"I didn't understand the fight you had with that woman but just know I'm here if you ever need anything. I can lend you an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Just know that you're not alone." He said before letting my hand go.
"Thanks, Lando. I appreciate it." I summoned a pained smile before putting the headphones back on and leaving the car.
This was my way to cope. Put the headphones on, blast music and lock the world out of my brain until I have enough strength to pretend, I'm happy. It was the only coping mechanism I knew since Mick was mad at me. I didn't even know if he was my friend anymore.
I always talked to him when I felt like my heart was ripped out, cut to pieces, trampled upon, and thrown back into my chest. Now that he didn't even look at me anymore, I didn't know what else to do.
After giving up my luggage I followed the others onto the plane where I sat in the back next to a window.
It's no news to you that I hate flying. but this flight was horrendous. There were the worst turbulences and I had to leave my seat twice to have a panic attack in the bathroom.
Lando, who had picked the seat beside me and Kimi who sat opposite me tried their best to get me distracted but I didnt want to take my headphones off, so I just closed my eyes, held on to the armrests and waited it out.
Mick would have calmed me down. He has done it so many times and I tried to imagine him sitting next to me rubbing my back and telling me about what Angie had for breakfast this morning but every time I had calmed down enough to open my eyes, I noticed him not there and spiralled all over again.
How could I be so dependent on someone. It's so pathetic. I told myself as I hopped into the car that would pick Max and I up.
The paddock was filled with people giving me looks and whispering about me as I walked past and by Thursday, I spent the moment I left the garage or the Motorhome with my air pods in.
The only brighter part of my day this week was Lando who came to my room every night as soon as we got to the hotel and just talked. He got me out of my head, and we were getting closer and closer again.
I went to the paddock on Thursday morning, and it wasnt long before I saw a woman run up to me. She was wearing a suspiciously black T-shirt and as she got closer, I immediately recognized the teamwear. 'Hi! Im Sonja! Nice to meet you. Youre probably wondering why Im talking to you out of nowhere, but I have a good explanation I promise. So, Im here to invite you. We are having a little dinner tonight with all the important people and wanted to get to know you better. You in?' she asked with a suggestive wink.
"Uh- yeah sure! When and where should I be?" I asked giving her an excited really?! look.
"Cool, just give me your number and Ill text you!" she said with an excited nod.
To say the least I was over the moon. I had to cut Lando and Is Gilmore Girls night short as I needed to get ready and before I even knew I was sitting at the table having dinner.
The weekend I spent in the garage watching the sessions. I couldn't help but notice that Mick wasn't in it this week. He was making small mistakes that cost him Q2 on Saturday. If he didn't ignore my texts I would walk over to his garage and beat his ass into oblivion (well only halfway. He still needs to be in the car for Sunday.)
We all remember the Sochi-heartbreak. So instead of Lando knocking on my door to comfort me, I was knocking on his tonight. I had only seen him briefly in the paddock afterwards and he did not look fine.
The door wasn't opened by Lando though. It was his trainer Will who let me in and pointed to the bathroom: "He's been in there for over an hour. Shower running and sink turned on. I can't get to him. He hasn't talked since the media pen."
"Lan? Can you let me in please?" I asked through the door but no answer.
"Well. If you cant get to him no one can. I'll be in my room across the hall If you need anything." He sighed and left me alone.
"Lando? Please. Open up. Will's gone. It's just me. Please I'm worried." I urged but no answer.
"If you don't answer I'll pick the lock!" I threatened. He gave no answer and so I barged in and found him in the shower fully clothed and crying his heart out.
"Oh honey!" I sighed getting inside the shower and pulling him into me.
"It's okay. Youre fine. There was nothing you could have done differently." I murmured into his wet hair as he sobbed into my shoulder.
As his sobs subsided, I cradled his face. "What happened today does not define you. You are capable, and you are worthy of all the wins in the world. Today was nothing more than bad luck. Understood?" he nodded, and I continued: "Do you feel ready to leave the shower and get something dry to wear?" another nod. I stood and pulled him up with me before leaving a wet trail towards his suitcase. I waited for him to pick his clothes before asking: "May I? I just need a shirt and some pants."
He nodded again before he went to the bathroom to change, and I changed in his room.
As he came out, he plopped down on his bed curling into a ball staring straight on. I took the liberty of climbing in with him and softly rubbing his back. letting him know I was there for him.
It took a couple of minutes till he turned towards me putting his head on my shoulder letting me hold him tight. I rubbed his back, scratched my nails over his neck and into his hair in soothing circles.
"I'm scared." He whispered after a while.
"What are you scared of?" I whispered back.
"That this was my only shot at winning a race. That my chance will never come again." He said as I felt a tear roll into my shirt.
"No. Dont even think that. You are one of the best drivers I know! You will win so many races you run out of shelf space! I hate to admit it but if you and I were in the same car you would give me a run for my money." I said raking my fingers through his hair. "Don't stop believing in yourself."
"You dont have to say that you know? You can just not answer instead of lying to me." he scoffed.
"Hold on. You know me. Lando, you know that I wouldnt lie to you about this. Not to anyone!" I said making him look at me.
"Thank you for being here. He sighed after a while.
"Of course. I'll always be there for you. You know that right?"
"Yeah. But still. Youre there for everyone so thank you for doing it for me too. You could have gone to Mick too today. He had his first retirement and I heard him fight with someone today."
"I know. Who did he fight with?"
"Don't know. He talked in another language though if that helps?"
"You know what doesn't matter. He probably doesn't want me there anyways. He won't even look at me." I scoffed.
"He would. You're his best friend. Your'e going through a rough patch right now, but you'll find your way through."
"He's better friends with Esteban lately so I'm sure hes fine. Lets change topics now. Wanna finish Gilmore girls?"
"Let's do that." He smiled softly grateful for the distraction.