"Good morning, Miss Coleman." Dr. Bethuel smiles walking into the patient room.
"Good morning." I manage to force a smile.
"Your test results are back, and you are definitely pregnant. Just about six weeks along." Her cheery voice grates on my nerves.
Does she not understand how devastating that news is. How can she give me such life-changing news with a chipper smile on her face? Do I look like someone who is ready to be a mother? Hell, she's the one who prescribes my birth control, she should know that I don't fucking want this.
"Miss Coleman?"
A baby. Inside me.
Me. A mother.
Shit! This wasn't the plan. This is so far off from the plan. I was supposed to have my first baby with the love of my life in my thirties. At that point, I would have established myself in the industry and have a supportive partner.
That was the goal. That was how it was supposed to go.
"Deep breaths, Miss Coleman."
I'm alone. I'm all alone. How am I supposed to take care of a child all alone?
My lungs are struggling for oxygen as my head begins to throb.
"Miss Coleman, breathe!"
Don't you think I'm trying!
Oh, God. Am I going to die?
Please, no. I don't want to die. I can't die yet. There's still so much I wanted to do. And my baby! What about my poor baby?
"It's alright, Miss Coleman. Everything's going to be alright, just breathe."
Dr. Bethuel's voice is the last thing I hear before the darkness takes over.
°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•
God, I hate hangovers! My head is fucking killing me.
"Miss Coleman." Who the fuck? I try to open my eyes only to find that I am not in my room.
Where am I?
"You're awake. I'll call the doctor." A blonde girl beside my bed says.
Doctor? Shit, am I in a hospital?
That's when it all comes back to me. The pregnancy scare. I took five pregnancy tests and they all came back positive so I booked an appointment with my OB/GYN. I got my test results today, I'm pregnant.
"Miss Coleman!" Dr. Bethuel's normally soft voice sounds like a shriek.
"You gave us all quite a scare. How are you feeling?"
Shit. I feel like shit.
"I'm fine."
"Do you remember what happened?" She asks sitting beside my bed.
Wait, bed? I'm in a hospital room. How did I not feel the IV drip connected to my arm?
"Miss Coleman?"
Right. She asked me a question. But for some reason, the words just won't come out of my mouth.
Instead, I nod.
"I know this must be a surprise."
You think?
"But there are other alternatives."
"Alternatives?"
She hands me a brochure and I now understand what she meant.
"This is a big decision. Please, take your time and think about it. The nurse will stop by with your discharge papers."
An hour later, I finally left the clinic with a lot on my mind. I stead of heading to work like I should, I find myself heading to a park bench.
It is eleven thirty on a Friday, so the park is relatively empty aside from a few college students and nannies walking babies in strollers.
Shit, nannies. I would have to hire a nanny. Can I even afford a nanny?
I mean, technically I could. But I would have to cut back on other things. Like my hair. And nice clothes. And savings.
God, this is all so complicated.
Unless, it isn't.
I take out the brochure and read through my options.
A baby was never a part of my plan. I could just get rid of it.
It's an unsettling thought, but the most logical solution. A baby now would ruin my life. I can't.
Not to mention how unfair it would be for the baby. I'm not ready to be a mother, and I don't want to end up resenting my baby.
I don't know how long I sit on that bench before my phone rings.
My boss.
Not now.
But I have to take it.
"Hello."
"Coleman? Where are you? I need the Emberg file." He shouts through the line.
That's not even my job.
"Blonskey is in charge of the Emberg file." I remind him.
"No, I assigned it to you this morning. Emberg went for a product inspection with Mr. Crane."
They gave him the product inspection? Are you shitting me?
"I thought I was handling the inspection?" This was my chance to impress Mr. Crane.
"You were, but you took the morning off, so Blonskey took over."
Tears sting my eyes as the realisation sets in. The more work I miss, the more opportunities like this I'll miss. Pregnancy is full of doctor's appointments and a bunch of other shit. Not to mention the three month's maternity leave.
I might as well kiss any chances of a promotion goodbye.
"Coleman! You still there?"
"Yes, sir." I compose myself.
"I need that file!" Why is he yelling at me?
"Like you said, sir, I took the morning off for a doctor's appointment. If I couldn't go for the product inspection, then I can't take over Blonskey's work either."
"Watch your tone, little girl." God, I hate him.
"I can't do the file, sir. In fact, I am taking the rest of the day off. I'll email HR my doctor's note."
I hang up not trusting myself not to tell that son of a bitch what I really think about him.
I am so angry right now I could scream. Or smash something. God, I want to kick something.
How is any of this fair?
I make my way back to my apartment to take a long hot shower. Normally, a hot shower is therapeutic, but today all I can think of is how messed up everything is.
After my shower, I cannot help but stare at my stomach in the mirror. There is an actual child in there. Shit, I'm going to get fat again. After all the work I put into losing weight, I am going to gain it all back. And then some.
Not to mention dating. Who wants to fuck a pregnant chick? And dating as a single mom? I'm going to go back to being undesirable. To being nothing but a cheap secret shame fuck.
To being the last person any guy would want to date.
Why? Why is this happening? Especially when things were going so great for me. Finally.
I do not notice the tears until I look back at my reflection.
Weak. Pathetic. Ugly.
Look at me. Here I am crying in my bathroom instead of being at work, proving my value.
Not to mention how gross I look. I haven't been to the gym in over a week and it shows. My arms look flabby, my stomach pudgy and my thighs are nothing but fat and cellulite.
I am disgusting.
I can't do this. I just can't go through with this pregnancy.
°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•
Another shitty day at the office.
As much as I wish I had a fun weekend, I did not leave the my apartment since Friday. Which means no Girl's night, no hood barbecue and no family dinner. I'm just not feeling up to people right now. Which made today even worse.
To punish me for my 'gross insubordination' on Friday, my idiot boss had me doing the intern's work all day. You'd think a degree and two years at the company would earn me a little more respect than making copies and buying coffees all morning. On top of my regular job! Fuck, I hate them all.
If it wasn't for the generous renumeration from this shitty job, I would have quit after my first month.
I cannot wait for the day I finally hand in my resignation letter.
"Ree-ree."
Shit.
"Ree-ree, open the fucking door." She bangs on the door relentlessly.
"Coming, ma." I drag myself to the door preparing myself for the barrage I am sure to receive.
"Hey, mama." I smile as I open the door.
She looks mad. Scratch that, she is mad.
"Do you have any idea how worried we've all been." She starts storming inside my apartment. I doubt anyone else was worried.
"You know, it's perfectly normal for adult children to not come home for Sunday dinner every now and then." I inform her.
"Not when they ripped apart my vagina on their way into this world." I wince as she says that.
How could I forget that part? I can't push a whole baby out of my vagina. I can barely handle period cramps, how am I supposed to survive labour?
"It's not our fault you chose to have us." I mutter.
Then again, abortion was still pretty taboo back in my mother's time.
"What's with you, baby?" Her tone is now concerned as she looks at me and I can feel myself choke up.
"Nothing. I've just been feeling extremely run down lately." I lie closing and locking my front door.
She puts the back of my hand on my forehead, then my cheeks.
"You don't feel warm. Have you had anything to eat?"
Shit.
"I had a sandwich at lunch." I lie realising I've only had a handful of bananas all weekend.
"Go get changed, I'll make you dinner."
"Mom, you don't have to do that." I can't really stomach anything right now.
"I wasn't asking, princess." She shuts me down.
I guess I might as well.
One long shower later, and I am in my pyjamas heading over to the kitchen.
I cannot help but smile. It smells like home.
"Here, honey. I made you some soup to start." She says ladling some soup into a bowl.
"I'd rather wait to eat with you." I tell her.
"Your dad would have my head if I ate without him."
I cannot help my smile.
Over thirty years of marriage and dad still wants to eat dinner with my mom every night. They are sickeningly in love.
"Do you ever regret starting a family so young?" I ask taking my mom in.
She married my dad when she was twenty and had Xavier a year later. She never really had her twenties. She went straight from being a child to being a mom.
"Sometimes. I guess everyone always wonders how their life would have turned out if they made a different decision. But I wouldn't change a thing."
That's the standard response every mother feels obligated to give.
"Really? You wouldn't want a few more years for just you and daddy?" I question knowing full well they are making up for lost time.
"Trust me, honey, me being pregnant turned your dad all the way on. Every time." I scrunched my nose a little but couldn't help my smile.
"You kids these days all wait until you're forty to have babies. You know that means you won't get the house to yourselves until you're in your sixties, right? If your lucky. That might even go to your seventies. With us, your daddy and I got all of you out before fifty, and now we get to enjoy our golden years with no risk of breaking a bone or falling pregnant again." She winks at me and I roll my eyes at her.
This woman.
"You and dad do make a great team." They always had each other.
"Damn right we are. Watch us win grandparents of the year next." I freeze momentarily before I remember that Xavier and Melyssa are expecting.
"You really looking forward to crying babies and screaming toddlers again?" Kids are just so much work.
"Bring it on. By the time you were born your dad and I had that shit down. I could change your diaper in the dark without waking you up." Mom brags confidently.
Shit. I forgot about the mid night diaper changes. I can't do this. I just can't do it alone.
"Why are you so worried, baby? Your daddy and I are still young enough to handle it all. I'm definitely going to be the favourite gammy."
"Gammy?"
"I am way too young and hot to be grandma." She shudders dramatically at the thought making me laugh.
She really will be a great grandma.
"Eat your soup." She points at the bowl in front of me.
Feeling slightly better, I start eating.
"You know, you really are a great mom." I admit. She has always taken such good care of us, even if she is a little much.
She pauses and stares at me. Tears start pooling in her eyes and I can tell how much my words mean to her.
"Come on, mom. This can't be news. You were always the most loving and supportive mom around. You make it look easy." Everyone loves my mom.
"Oh, honey. It wasn't easy. It never was. I cannot even begin to tell you how hard and terrifying it all was. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Even opening my restaurant was easier. But it was the best thing I ever did. Even better than marrying your daddy- don't tell him that." I cannot help but laugh a little.
I contemplate her words over soup before getting up to wash up.
"Here, honey." She slides over a plate of grilled salmon with a side salad.
"I'll be here when you're ready to tell me." She says as I pick up the fork.
Does she know? Was I so obvious?
"Don't worry, I won't say a word." She assures packing up.
"Now, I gotta go. Your daddy's been calling like crazy, he's five minutes away from coming over here himself."
I can see him doing that.
Mom kisses my forehead before grabbing her bags.
"Be sure to eat it all. And don't miss family dinner again." She shouts as she exits.
I love her.