A/N:
I don't quite know about I feel about the length of this one but whatever. I hate my procrastination issues because I have so many oneshots that could be interesting if I just sat down and finished writing them. It's annoying before whatever. I'm working on an update for The Cure but I'm struggling to want to write.
I'm running into entirely too much writer's block honestly. I don't know why but I need it to go away so I can write how I used to.
---
There was the glory that came with being part of the biggest current girl group.
But, there were also the downfalls.
Things that were capable of eating someone alive until they were nothing but skin and bone. Quite literally. These things gnawed away at everything and left behind an empty shell.
Jesy would know of this. She always had, but this time around was different. It was different in every aspect. No matter how you looked at the situation, it was terrible. It was terrible, but she hid those feelings away. Though she tried not to think about such things as comments made about her, she wanted to curl up in a hole and die so she could put an end to her suffering.
She had tried once before, but her boyfriend at the time was the reason that she didn't succeed. It was almost funny because later on, Jesy was told how Perrie had lost her mind and didn't stop panicking until she could see Jesy breathing on her own.
Of course, the only funny thing about that was some of the ways Perrie had acted. Nothing else was amusing. It was actually quite horrible, and Jesy knew this, so she kept her thoughts to herself. She let these words bounce around in her head until the day that Perrie opened up and poured her heart out.
She had let herself confess to Jesy, and how good of an idea that had ended up being because shortly after that, the two started dating. This, of course, made the fans go absolutely insane. It was expected, but the amount of support they received made Jesy want to cry.
So, time passed.
Things were fine.
Or so they appeared.
In the harsh reality of existing in a world full of people that wanted to make others' lives a living hell, Jesy found herself back to square one. She had recently started becoming more distant. Not just from the fans, family, and friends, but Leigh-Anne and Jade as well.
Even Perrie had felt the shift in Jesy's personality.
The first red flag that Perrie had been able to spot was Jesy's anxiety popping out. It was a common occurrence at this point, and usually, Perrie wouldn't see a problem with it. Jesy was on meds to help with it, but this should've meant that the anxiety would lessen and not worsen.
Entertaining the idea that something was going on with Jesy, Perrie then realized after almost two weeks, that the weight of Jesy's pill bottle hadn't changed. It felt the same. Perrie remembered feeling extremely bothered by this.
She kept this newly acquired information to herself. She didn't tell anyone, and she tried not to think much about it, but then she also found out that Jesy was taking her anti-depressants. This was like a wake-up call to Perrie.
Jesy was getting better. That was Perrie's belief and everyone else's.
So, why was she not taking meds that had benefited her greatly?
After about two days of Perrie trying to decide what she wanted to do, she finally went with bringing it up to Jesy. Doing this meant that there was a big chance that it wouldn't go well. If Jesy didn't want to talk about something, she wouldn't talk about it. This was a trait that Perrie had recognized from day one with her. She had come to accept it before they were even dating.
Knowing this, Perrie still wanted to bring it to Jesy's attention. She knew the risks, but she also knew that talking to Jesy about not taking her meds could be helpful. Maybe being Jesy's girlfriend would give her some kind of advantage. She could only hope.
So, Perrie sat down with the Essex native one day in hopes of trying to get Jesy to talk about what was going on.
To say the least, it didn't go well.
Jesy's instant form of retaliation was to block Perrie out. She tried to reason with Perrie about why she stopped taking the pills, but Perrie wasn't having it and asked her why she would stop taking the meds when they were working.
This seemed to work Jesy up, and no matter how much Perrie tried to get her to talk, she wouldn't. She didn't cry or shout when Perrie could tell she wanted to, but she just stopped showing her emotions in general. This was her response to everything Perrie said that day.
This continued to be her reaction as days flew by.
When she was around Leigh or Jade, she still attempted to hide her depression and anxiety.
But, after a few weeks, she stopped hiding it.
She had just given up. Jesy shut everyone out and not even Perrie could break down her walls. She refused to speak to anyone unless spoken to. She stopped being bubbly. She stopped cracking jokes. She stopped smiling unless there was a camera in her face. She stopped acting like Jesy.
Then came starvation.
This was another major red flag that Perrie saw instantly. It didn't take her very long. She paid too much attention to Jesy to not see what she was doing.
Jesy stopped eating snacks throughout the day, and for a while, Perrie let it slide. She was still at least eating the big meals of the day, and she didn't appear to be losing any serious amount of weight. She was still fit, so Perrie kept her mouth shut and shook her head when Jade or Leigh-Anne looked ready to say something.
Dinner was the first to go.
Jesy tried to say that it was because she wasn't hungry.
Perrie knew it was a lie, and it hurt. Her girlfriend was lying to her face because she was so caught up in what people said. It made her angry. Not at Jesy, but at the people that made her feel this way. The people that kept writing comments about her even years after they had started their career.
Jesy had been doing good for so long, which meant that Jesy acting out all of a sudden was everything that was building up in her coming to the surface and bubbling over. She hadn't snapped yet, but Perrie could feel that the day would come soon. Her gut told her so.
Lunch was the second.
Wiping lunch off the map completely took a toll on Jesy. Not eating snacks throughout the day without being forced and then on top of that, taking away lunch, quickly took her energy away. She was already done with being around people within a few hours of waking up.
People that didn't know any of what was happening could tell at first glance that there was something wrong with Jesy. Dark circles had begun to form under her eyes. Her eyes weren't bright anymore. They were still beautiful, but they were dim. They held no life.
Jesy was weak now. She worked out despite having no energy and Perrie couldn't stand what was happening, but she still tried to keep it to herself. Jesy was teetering on the edge and the Geordie didn't know what would happen if she even brought up the idea of talking about what Jesy was doing.
And then one day, breakfast was gone too.
It was gone without a trace. Food had to basically be shoved down Jesy's throat. Perrie was usually the one to do this. They would fight over it. Jade and Leigh made attempts to convince her to eat which had only worked one time.
Perrie could feel Jesy slipping away from her, and unless they sat down and discussed Jesy's extremely destructive depression, something was going to happen that the Essex native couldn't come back from.
All of this is how Jesy, Perrie, Leigh-Anne, and Jade ended up sitting in Jesy's and Perrie's living room, the four seated on the couches, Jesy's gaze distant.
"We need to talk," Perrie stated, her tone borderline crying, her eyes full of a deep sorrow that anyone could see.
"Do we?" Jesy's voice was slightly raspy before her eyes flickered up from the ground, her gaze settling on Perrie's.
Leigh inhaled deeply, Jade bristling beside her, "Yes, I think we do, Jessica." The Geordie felt Leigh-Anne grab her hand and rub soothing circles into the back of it, Jade telling herself that she needed to calm down, that she needed- never mind. What was she thinking? This was Jesy they were talking about. She would have to do whatever was necessary to get her back. She wasn't going to lose Jesy to depression. She wasn't going to let Leigh lose her either, and she sure as hell wasn't going to let Perrie because God knows how that would end.
It would end with losing both of them.
"You're not escaping Perrie or us this time. You can't keep avoiding this. You're quite literally destroying yourself. Mentally and physically. We're done standing by and letting this happen. You're not leaving us like this. I don't care what the fuck we have to do, but if it means that I pin your ass down and force-feed you and shove pills down your throat, then so be it. You can be pissy all you want. Scream at me if you'd like. But what you're not going to do is this," she bit out as she gestured to Jesy's current state, her eyes becoming glassy.
"Perrie is trying her best. She really is, but she's at her breaking point, Jes. This has gone too far. I don't know why we let you keep doing this, but it stops today. Right now. I'm done watching you slowly kill yourself. Is that what you want? Do you want to kill yourself?"
"Oh, wouldn't you like to know, Jade," Jesy spat back, horror writing itself across Jade's face, Leigh-Anne freezing, Perrie staring at Jesy with broken and tortured eyes.
A tear slipped down Jade's face before she abruptly stood up and stormed into the kitchen, Jesy crossing her arms over her chest and biting the inside of her cheek. It was a habit that she had started again and Perrie tried to get her to stop, but the blonde was completely useless at physically stopping her.
Jade stalked back out of the kitchen before tossing Jesy's anxiety pills and anti-depressants on the glass table in front of her, the Geordie standing on the other side of the table, her nostrils flaring as she breathed heavily. "Take them or so help me, Jessica, you're going to wish you had never met me."
"No." Jesy's voice was tight, and that was the moment that Jade realized that she might've gone too far, but there was a nagging at the back of her mind that made her keep going.
"Jesy," she warned, Perrie shaking her head and screwing her eyes shut before opening them again and trying to blink her tears back. "Jesy, please." Jade's voice cracked, another tear falling down her cheek as she looked down at the shattered woman in front of her.
Then, like a fragile twig, she snapped.
And all hell broke loose.
Everything that had been building up inside Jesy was shaken from its confines. It all came crashing down on her at once and she couldn't keep it in.
"You don't fucking get it, Jade!" Her voice broke, a sob escaping her lips. "None of you get it! You don't know what I deal with! You don't know what it feels like to constantly be inside your head! You don't know what it feels like to pick yourself apart! You couldn't even begin to understand any of the things I feel!"
Jade visibly flinched, having never been yelled at by Jesy. Leigh had the same reaction, but Perrie just kept still, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Why won't you let us help you?" Small hiccups that turned into cries were leaving Jade's lips, her hands shaking slightly.
"Because I want to die, Jade! I don't want to be here anymore! I can't do it! I can't fucking do it!" Jesy screamed, the other three women in the room falling completely silent.
Realization was pounded into them and they would never forget the words Jesy had just spoken.
"I just want it to be over," she murmured, her bottom lip trembling. "I want it all to be over. I don't want to keep living like this. I want it to go away, and as long as I'm alive, it never will. I want to fucking die. That's it. I want to end everything. Everyone would be happier if they didn't have to deal with me."
"God, Jessica," Leigh-Anne retorted, her eyes full of tears. "Don't ever say that again. Not to me, not to Jade, and not to your fucking girlfriend who I think you forgot is sitting right there!" Her voice had risen to a shout before she pointed to Perrie who was crying quietly to herself. "If you say that again, I swear, I'll slap you so hard that your cheek is going to be bruised."
Jesy then looked at Leigh, her jaw clenched, "You would be happier without me."
Leigh-Anne got up from the couch and brushed past Jade quickly, the Geordie grabbing her and tugging her back as she hugged her from behind. "No," she whispered, the Jamaican taking short breaths as she struggled slightly against Jade.
"I just want to end it all. I want the pain to stop," Jesy whimpered before letting herself break down finally, Perrie getting up and almost tripping over the glass table in her haste to get to her girlfriend.
She sat down beside Jesy and wrapped her arms around the Essex native, one of her hands sliding up until she could press Jesy's head against her chest. "I don't w-want to be h-here anymore." Her voice was a broken sound that made Perrie screw her eyes shut and bury her face in Jesy's hair, Jade sitting on the couch hesitantly beside her bandmates, Leigh kneeling on the ground in front of Jesy and Perrie.
"Look at me, Jes." Her voice wavered for a second, tears rolling down her face as she grabbed Jesy's hand, the brunette's other one holding one of Perrie's arms around her body.
She waited for Jesy to open her eyes and look at her, Leigh-Anne trying to hold herself together. She took a deep breath when Jesy finally gazed at her, Perrie tightening her grip around her girlfriend. "We know that you're struggling, hun. Alright? We don't know what you feel, and we never will, but we just want to help you get through this. Killing yourself is not the answer. It's never the answer," the Jamaican choked out as she squeezed Jesy's hand, a small cry escaping her lips. "We just want you to be okay, Jesy. Please, listen to us. We wouldn't be here right now if we didn't care. We're here because we love you and this not only is hurting you, but it's hurting us. I know you're convinced that we can't help you, but you haven't let us try to. So, let us try. That's all I'm asking, Jes."
Leigh took a breath that shook her whole body, Jesy curling into Perrie slightly, "I don't think you know how bad you're scaring us. There have been some days where we've wondered if you were going to wake up the next day. We've seriously thought that we wouldn't see you again. That's terrifying, Jesy. Not seeing you again is something that I don't want us to have to live the reality of. I never want that. Ever."
Leigh-Anne was then quiet as she pressed her lips to Jesy's hand and held it tightly, her eyes closed tightly, her brows furrowed. Jade moved closer to Jesy and hugged her, the Geordie's head resting on Jesy's shoulder.
The four stayed like this for the next few hours, all of them too shattered to even speak anything that wasn't "it's okay" to Jesy.
---
Eventually, Perrie and Jade decided to order in, the two picking Nando's.
Perrie knew that the likeliness of Jesy even touching food was extremely low, but it didn't hurt to try. Right?
The Geordies were currently outside with the dogs, Leigh holding Jesy and whispering soft things to her. Jesy was silent which wasn't a surprise, but Leigh-Anne had a strong desire to hear her speak after being quiet for so long.
It was unsettling to be around Jesy for so long and not hear her voice.
She could say the same about her laugh.
Leigh hadn't heard Jesy laugh in a while. It had been weeks, months even. It was actually torturous to be around her and not even get a giggle. There was nothing. She was just empty. Leigh-Anne didn't want to know how much pain Jesy had to be in to not show any emotion.
She didn't even want to think about it.
It was hurting her to also think about the fact that she could count on one hand the number of times she had seen Jesy's true smile in the past few months.
Jesy's voice then interrupted Leigh's thoughts, the Jamaican focusing on her, "I need to use the bathroom."
Leigh-Anne nodded and let her go, but something in the pit of her stomach told her that releasing her was a mistake. Despite this feeling, Leigh didn't stop her. She thought that maybe it was just the fact that she was on high alert from everything that had occurred hours before.
It was an easy answer and much simpler to comprehend versus the idea that Jesy went to the bathroom to do something that would end with a tragedy.
As Jesy climbed the stairs, she waited to hear Leigh-Anne go after her. She was expecting to be roughly yanked into the living room, so it was a relief when she made it to the upstairs bathroom and could close the door without a problem.
Her back pressed against it instantly, her breaths heavy as she tried to calm all of the thoughts in her mind. Jesy's eyes searched the room before landing on the pill bottle sitting on the counter beside the sink, her nails digging into the wood of the door instantly.
"I'm sorry, Perrie," she whispered under her breath as she slowly walked across the bathroom to the counter, her jaw tensed.
The Essex native inhaled sharply before picking up the pill bottle, her thumb running over the label. Her eyes trained on herself in the mirror, a tear slipping down her cheek.
Jesy couldn't believe that she was doing this to Perrie. To the girls.
Part of her didn't want to do it. Part of her wanted to just downstairs with the girls and let Perrie convince her to eat.
But there was another part of her that wanted to down the entire bottle of pills. She wanted to take them all and allow herself to fall into that deep abyss she had once before that her boyfriend had just barely managed to pull her out of.
Jesy carefully opened the pill bottle before filling up a glass that was sitting on the counter with water, the brunette biting her cheek harshly and trying to even her breathing out.
She swallowed the pills in groups before feeling her breath hitch when nothing else came out of the bottle, Jesy sitting the glass and bottle quietly on the counter. She didn't know how long she waited, but at some point, she started feeling off.
As she stood in front of the mirror, she felt her head spin slightly, her brows furrowing. Jesy gripped the edge of the counter and leaned forward before lowering herself to the floor, her back pressed against the tub.
"Fuck," she mumbled, her eyes fluttering shut before she heard someone slam open the door to the bathroom.
"Jesy!" Perrie screamed, hands then cupping Jesy's face, the Essex native opening her eyes lazily.
The instant stab of guilt she felt made her want to close them again, but she worried that she wouldn't see Perrie again if she did, so she forced herself to look directly into her girlfriend's eyes. No matter how much it hurt.
Seconds after Perrie screamed, Leigh and Jade shot into the bathroom, the Geordie's gaze instantly attracted to the empty pill bottle on the counter. "Jessica. Are you fucking serious?"
Her voice cracked in the middle, a tear trailing down her face, a small whimper escaping her lips. Leigh-Anne's jaw dropped, her hands shaking slightly.
"Hun, I need you to throw them up. Right now. You have to," Perrie murmured, Jesy nodding slowly.
She wanted to tell Perrie how sorry she was, but she didn't have the energy.
She didn't have the energy for anything.
Perrie grabbed her arms and tugged her forward before gently opening Jesy's mouth, the brunette grabbing the toilet on its sides and screwing her eyes shut.
The minute that Perrie's fingers were down her throat, she retched, a small tremor running through her body. Perrie pushed her fingers further past Jesy's lips until she gagged loudly and threw up something that appeared to be pills of some form.
Seeing this, Perrie tried again, Jesy vomiting for the second time and then dry heaving. The blonde was quick to wash her hands, Leigh saying something to Jade before running out of the room, Jade wiping Jesy's mouth off carefully and pulling her up.
"Leigh's driving us to the hospital," Jade stated quietly, Perrie nodding as she helped the older Geordie get Jesy out of the bathroom and down the stairs.
"We're going to have to set some boundaries when we get back," the blonde said to herself, her arm tightening around Jesy.
Jade opened the front door easily before scrambling outside to open Leigh-Anne's car door so Jesy and Perrie could get in the back.
Once they were all in the car, Perrie took a deep breath, Jesy's head resting on her shoulder. "I love you," she whispered under her breath, Jesy fumbling slightly for Perrie's hand before locking their fingers together, her voice raspy. "I love you too."
Jesy felt partially angry that Perrie had come into the bathroom and found her, but a larger part of her was happy. She didn't want to let go.
She had been ready to leave everything behind until she looked Perrie in the eyes and saw the hurt in them.
Until she had seen the deep pain that she would've caused her if she had succeeded.
Jesy hoped that this was her rock bottom. She hoped that she could only go up from here.
But then she looked at Perrie and knew that she didn't have to hope.
She realized that all she had to do was remember that Perrie was going to be with her every step of the way.
No matter what happened, Jesy would never truly be alone.
Perrie would make sure of that.