the next day
-
"i'm sorry for not answering you guys sooner." i tell my moms. "i must have scared you guys."
my eyes are still red and swollen from how much i cried last night.
i rewatched the interview a few times. and i don't think anybody who isn't my friend could tell what was going on.
"of course you scared us!" mom shouts, a worried expression on her face. momma puts one hand on her shoulder, wordlessly telling her to calm the hell down. and she does. "but all that we care about now, is that you're okay."
"lee, we know what it looks like when you're on the verge of having a panic attack." momma says. her voice is soft but stern. "and your mom is right, you scared the ever-living shit out of us."
i frown, "i'm sorry."
"don't you dare apologize." mom tells me. "but if you truly want to make it up to us, you should tell us what triggered the panic attack."
"we're not forcing you to tell us, though!" momma quickly adds.
i haven't told my moms about nolan. they believe what the internet believes.
which is that he and i were best friends at first. then we started dating. they believe that we were in love. that we were happy.
and most of all, they believe that we broke up on mysterious terms. terms that i keep private from the world.
however, truth is, i broke up with nolan when he told me i wasn't allowed to be friends with joe anymore. he told me that joe was a bad influence and that he was sabotaging our relationship.
but i knew that was all bullshit. because joe was the only person who was there for me through everything. through all of my pain. nolan was not. nolan was the cause for that pain.
"i was just stressed." i tell them. "that's all."
of course that's a lie.
well, kinda.
sure, it's true that i was stressed. but the actual cause for me having a panic attack was the mention of nolan's name. the reminder that he exists.
"okay." mom says, leaning back a bit. i'm not sure she believes me, but i know that she won't push me to tell her.
"don't do anything that you don't want to do." momma tells me. "it might not feel like it, but you don't owe anybody anything."
i smile, "thank you, momma."
☆ ★ ☆