excuse all mistakes.
𝐓𝐇𝐔𝐑𝐒𝐃𝐀𝐘, 𝐉𝐔𝐋𝐘 𝟏𝟑
𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐍, 𝐓𝐗 ➩ 𝟐:𝟒𝟖𝐏𝐌
I SAT IN MY GAMING CHAIR as I played Grand Theft Auto V. Ian have shit else to do which sucked 'cause normally I'd be at work. Mazi forced me to call today and the rest of this week off to spend time with her. It's not that I didn't want to, but she was cutting me off from making my money and Ian play about that.
She wanted for me to spend time with her but she was in the bathroom with her homegirl while doing her hair. Be for real, I definitely could have been at work. And no I don't work at that dusty ass Zaxby's anymore. I worked at Amazon and on the side I doordashed.
I wasn't really doing shit on Grand Theft Auto but driving around. Call it what you want, but this shit was peaceful as fuck. Especially while listening to music? Hell yeah and driving onna highway? Hell the fuck yeah.
"Yeah, girl. He right here playing GTA." Mazi came out the bathroom and I looked at her 'cause who the fuck asking about me. Per usual, I had a mug on my face. "Bae, why you lookin' like that?"
"'Cause who the fuck asking about me."
"...my friend. She just wanted to know where you was at. I told her you ain't been spending time with me or whatever. I'm gone call you back later, girl." She said and hung up coming to where I was. "Get off the game."
"You need to stop telling yo' friends shit about our relationship too. One of them lil bitches gone text me talking 'bout 'you a lame ass nigga'. You be telling them when we arguing and shit, that ain't cool. They don't need to know anything about our relationship, Mazi. I'm a private ass person."
"And you want our relationship to be private? You literally don't post me and don't be calling my friends bitches."
"You disregarded everything I just said. I'm about to go to work." I sucked my teeth getting off the game.
"Why youn post me?"
"First off, you know Ion talk to other bitches at all. You know that shit but why I gotta post you, Mazi? Ian tryna keep you a secret. Tuh, they already know who you is every since you commented on my page. Second off, stop disregarding the shit I say 'cause you pissing me off." I pointed my hand in her face and she smacked it. "Don't get fucked up."
"Youn get tired of reassuring me about this?"
"No, not really."
"And you right I apologize. Every time I argue I go to my friends and tell them everything. It's wrong and now they don't like you."
"And I don't give two fucks. Next time you tell yo' friends shit about what goes on in our relationship, call this shit quits."
"I hear you. Now sit back down. You not going to work, you literally don't spend no time with little ole me."
"I do when I can."
"Lando, bye. I haven't seen you since after your sister birthday which was like June 30. That's like two weeks. I'm starting to think you don't like me."
"Before I met you, I worked a lot. It's just who I am and what I like doing. Meeting you wasn't gone change shit 'cause you not gone stop me from making money."
"That's a stretch." She rolled her eyes. "I'm not trying to stop you from making money, Lando. You just don't spend time with me. We be on the phone— barely."
I understood where she was coming from 'cause if she worked twenty-four seven and I barely gotten to see her, I'd be pissed. So, I definitely needed to cut down on working and spend time with her. Ian wanna lose her to some shit that could be fixed easily, feel me?
"You right. I'm all yours for the rest of the week, bae. What we doing today?"
"Ion know I wanna go to the movie theater." She shrugged.
"Aight then we gone do that."
"Mm, you talked to your mom?" She questioned and I sucked my teeth. "Lando, talk to her!"
I scrunched my face up. "Who the fuck are you yelling at?"
"You! Talk to her. You don't even have a valid reason not to talk to her."
"Yes I do 'cause what she doing selfish as fuck. Like I know we all going through the same thing, but why she cutting herself? She tryna kill herself and shit. That's selfish." I sucked my teeth.
"You have to think about it though. Yeah that was y'all dad, but that was her first love, her everything. Him just up and leaving without an explanation hurt her. She also had three kids by him. Tuh, that would have hurt me too. I probably would have done the same shit. Questioning myself like what did I do wrong and what I could have done to do better. You have to put yourself in her point of view, Lando. You not talking to her about that? That's childish."
"..."
"So pick up the phone and call her, Lando. She probably fucking worried about you and then when you go over there, you never say hey or anything. First of all, that's disrespectful. Also, call Kova. She a sweet lil girl and you told me she going through the same shit her mom going through too? The best thing to do is to be there for them! Talk to Kova, spend time with her, take her shopping, something! She needs you too. Not just her mom, KJ or his girlfriend. Ontop of that you be so mean to her."
"No I don't."
"You do! I wanna slap you but you lucky Ion put my hands on lil boys?"
"Lil boys?" I made a face.
"Yes! That's exactly what yo' dirt neck ass acting like. You too big for this shit."
"Aight." I waved her off.
"With yo' stupid ass. Hope you fall down the stairs, stupid ass."
"Mazi."
"What?"
𝟗:𝟒𝟏𝐏𝐌
W.A.Y.S BY JHENÉ AIKO played on the speaker I had sitting on my dresser as I looked out the window. The lyrics were definitely hitting different as of right now since I was going through a depression.
You gotta keep going, gotta keep going
Gotta keep going, you gotta keep going
Gotta keep going, you gotta keep going
"You gotta keep going, you gotta keep going. You gotta keep going. If there's one thing that I learned while in those county lines." I sung lowly looking at the healed cut marks on my wrist.
I was tempted to do it again really tempted. It was like a way to cope and I know that sounds stupid, but oh well.
Is that everything takes time
You have gotta lose your pride
You have gotta lose your mind
Just to find your peace of mind
I was ready for this depression to be over with. It was tiring, I felt in the dark all the time. I just wanted to be out, I wanted to feel what happiness or peace felt like. Honestly, I been depressed since my dad left and that's been years.
Yes, years of ongoing crying and screaming. Sometimes, my mom often came banging on the door after an episode of me crying and screaming. She'd comfort me and lay in the bed with me till I fell asleep.
You have gotta trust the signs
Everything will turn out fine
So, why aren't you smiling?
Why aren't you smiling?
"Life can get wild when you're caught in the whirlwind. Lost in the world when you're chasing the win. You gotta understand." I began crying.
Maybe if I just died then I would feel peace? I would be at peace? No more crying or screaming. No more feeling this ongoing pain.
I stood up going into my mom's bathroom. She wasn't here, she was at her salon. I looked inside her cabinet seeing pill bottles. I grabbed whatever and poured them into my hand.
Just as I was about to swallow them all dry. My phone began going off causing me to groan. I kept all the pills in my hand and went into my room that was across the hall.
I picked up my phone to see Adara calling me. I swiped waiting for it to connect and once it did, I turned my camera off. She didn't need to see me crying.
"Hey, you okay? I texted you earlier today and you didn't text back." She said.
"I'm okay, and I just woke up." I lied. I been up all damn day.
"...oh. Why your camera off? Your camera is never off." She frowned setting her phone up.
I turned my camera on but pointed it to the ceiling.
"Um, where is your face. I know you not hiding from me, Kova. You beautiful."
"Thanks." I put my face in the camera and she furrowed her eyebrows.
"You been crying?"
"I just woke up."
"You literally have dried up tears on your cheek, Kova. Stop playin' with me. Why was your crying and don't say for no reason. That's getting tiring."
"..."
"See, yeah. This be that shit. Why you was crying, Kova? I probably would have figured it out if I knew more about you, but I don't. 'Cause you don't tell me shit. Yet I been open with you and I told you every single thing about me and my past."
"That's because you were willing to, Adara. I told you I wasn't comfortable enough and you said that you would be patient. So, you don't want to be patient anymore?" I raised a brow.
"In situations like this I would never be able to piece two and two together. I tried being patient with you, I did. You cannot lie and say I haven't when we been talking for a whole ass year. I have been very patient with you."
"I'm just not comfortable."
"Honestly you will never be. I just think you like the company of me. You don't really like me." She shook her head.
"That's a lie." I frowned. "I like you a lot, but I go through too much shit."
"Alright, I don't think we should continue talking. I'm not going to be patient with you forever bro. I would say this was fun, but wasn't shit fun about this. You clearly don't like me like you say you do, Kova." She hung up and I let out a loud scream.
No, no, no.
She just left me like my dad did.
I threw my phone at the wall aggressively and swallowed all the pills dry. That was my last straw, she left, my dad left.
WHEN I OPENED MY EYES I looked around. My mom was in a chair sleep, she looked like she been crying so much. KJ and Orlando was seating on the couch both knocked out as well. You could hear my machine beeping too.
I sighed realizing that I wasn't where I wanted to be. I wasn't at peace, I didn't die meaning my mom or whoever got to me before I could which sucks. I wanted for all of this to be over. I didn't want to live to go through the pain, but here I was. Now I was going to have to deal with the pain from Adara and my dad.
Unless I told Adara everything and then I wouldn't have to go through anything.
🤷🏽♀️
"Mom?" I felt myself about to cry just imagining how much pain I was about to go through again. Why couldn't I just die? It wouldn't hurt to try again, right?
"Hm?" She stood up and I could have sworn she was sleep.
"I thought you were sleep."
"I can't sleep knowing that you in the hospital because you were trying to kill yourself, Kova. Why would you do something like that? Why? You couldn't come to me? I told you I understood how you felt and if you needed me then you could come to me. Even if I was at work. I would drop everything for you. I would have been so fucking heartbroken knowing that my baby killed herself." She started crying waking KJ and Orlando up in the process.
"I couldn't handle the pain, mom. I just couldn't, you don't think I tried. Today I just felt like giving up on everything a-and Adara said that we were done. Dying seemed peaceful like I'm not going through anything— I won't have to worry about anything. You understand me, right? So understand why I wanted to kill myself. I've been in this depressed state for so damn long since I was a baby. Since I found out that daddy left without an explanation. I'm a daddy's girl, it hurts! Sometimes I experience happiness but it never last for long. It always dies down and it hits hard either when I'm alone or at night. I just wanted for everything to go away. I thought doing that would have made everything go away!" I cried and she pulled me into a hug.
"It's okay, baby. I promise you that me and you gone get through this together! We gone go to therapy and get all this out the way. This pain isn't temporary, Kova. Understand that part, okay?"
"It feels like I been here forever." I pulled away from the hug.
"The rain gone go away and you gone see sunshine and rainbows. Does rain last forever?"
"No."
"So, what makes you think your depression gone last forever? You just have to be patient, Kova. It's gone take time but with therapy and praying? You gone get there, I promise."
I managed to keep calm for some time and the doctor came in explaining everything which I felt like was dumb. 'Cause all I did was overdose, what is there to tell? I didn't get shot or anything.
"I'm going to come back in later, sounds good?" He looked over at my mom and she nodded. He wasted no time leaving.
bye.
"Ko—"
"No, I don't care about anything you have to say. You only here because I was about to die or whatever. If it wasn't for that then you wouldn't be trying to talk to me right now. You came over to the house, didn't speak to anyone at all. You acted like I didn't even exist and that hurt." I mugged Orlando and he sucked his teeth. "I don't want anything anymore. I don't want the bond, I don't want to talk to you like seriously. Fuck that bond and fuck you."
"Kova."
"No, momma. I'm serious. Before it was fuck me so now it's fuck him. Don't try to apologize for not being there for me or whatever else you gotta say. Like that's complete bullshit."
"Kova, I was gone talk to you today bruh. I realized I was wrong as fuck before you did what you did." He stated and I shook my head. "Tuh, alright. Can't nobody say I didn't try. You just holding grudges and shit like forgive me bruh."
"No, Orlando! I'm not forgiving you."
"Aight, whatever. I'll see you later, momma." He hugged her and left out.
"Why you being like that?" Momma questioned.
"Literally before everything happened he didn't want to talk to me. He never called or anything, when he came over he didn't speak to me. Like I said, he acted like I didn't exist like I was fucking invisible. So, now that I'm in the hospital he want to apologize? He want a bond? Well too bad because I don't want it and I know it's not genuine. He just doing it just because when I do it again he doesn't want to feel guilty for not having one with me."
"But Orlando doesn't even seem like the type to force shit, Kova. Your brother was just telling me the same shit. He realized he was wrong and he apologized. I accepted his apology! Life too short to be holding grudges and being childish. Now he could have not came and did any of the shit he did, but he did."
"Okay." I waved her off.
"And doing it again? You not doing it again. I don't care if I have to send you into them crazy homes, you not doing it again!"
"'Cause it's gone stop you from going through more pain? You don't actually care about me or how I feel. You just don't want me to do it 'cause you gone go through more pain. That's all to it."
"Kova, what? You're my damn daughter. I told you I understand what you go through. Let's not act like I don't go through the same shit you go through too! Why would I want my daughter to die? Be fucking for real." She shook her head sitting down.
"Momma." KJ called out and she averted her eyes to him. "I think I'm gone break up with True."
"For what?" Momma and I asked in unison.
"Sorry not sorry, but you not breaking up with her. You like that girl too damn much to break up with her." Momma shook her head again. "I refuse."
"I just can't. I'm attached to that damn girl and we only been together for what like two to three days. I spend too much time with her— I feel like I do. And I could use that time to spend with Kova. Like I like the feeling she gives me, I like how she makes me feel. How caring she is and how different she is, but I just can't."
"It's giving abandonment issues."
"How?" He mugged her.
"'Cause you sound dumb as fuck. You breaking up with her 'cause you feel like you spend too much time with her? Like just tell her that you think y'all spend too much time together and you rather spend some of that time with Kova. You break up with her 'cause of that? You dumb."
"Momma I'm still gone do it." He shrugged and I shook my head.
"I could tell you made her happy and to say you gone break up with her about some dumb shit like that is stupid. But alright do what you want." I said and he nodded leaving out.
He was dumb. Orlando was dumb. Everybody was dumb especially KJ.
Like why are you breaking up with her about something that could be talked about? True was a good ass person with a good ass heart but even through that I could see she been through a lot. He not gone do anything but add onto it with his dumb ass.
a/n;
at first i was gone kill kova but i thought about it and was like nah, lmao. anyways this chapter was shitty and yes kj and true gone break up. like im
sorry but their relationship is too damn boring for me.
they probably breaking up for a dumb reason but i wasnt gone have him cheat on her. but yeah their relationship was boring!
w/c; 3213 words