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R.HAMILTON
Years on end, River felt like she missed out on life. Where her friends were drunk and high, she was nose deep in a textbook. Where her friends were hooking up, she was attending additional classes to boost her knowledge and therefore the quality of her assessments. There was a time when she felt she missed out on memories her friends would cherish forever, so she started to dip her toes in their activities and she found she enjoyed them. Still, it didn't satisfy her the way it seemed to sooth a burning itch in everyone around. In the end, she decided she didn't miss out on anything life changing.
Certainly not until that wonderful day in September when she sat in the gazebo, ate her fill of baguette and butter and honey, and enjoyed the pleasure of having the air kissed from her lungs. Most definitely not until she laughed so much her cheeks hurt, and she feared she may never stop smiling, until her stomach hurt from the giggles, until she felt at peace, until time stopped and she lived like the day would never end.
It truly felt that way until the sun began to set. Still in the gazebo, Harry against one side of the bench and River on the other. Their legs were crossed by each other's as they drank and chatted away about nonsense.
"I, uh," he chuckled. River's attention was immediately on him, curious to learn why he became flustered so quick. Their eyes met for a second and she grinned at him with so much happiness bubbling in her chest that she wanted to reach out and touch his chest to see if he felt the same. "I have something to tell you."
"Alright," she nodded as she grabbed her glass and took a sip.
"I," he laughed again. River leaned forward and replaced her glass on the table. Harry remained silent so she gave his shin a squeeze as if to encourage him. "You know, you never wore that dress again."
"Which dress?" she asked, confused about what he meant. No particular occasion stood out to her but it certainly seemed important and memorable enough for him if he still recalled it. "I have many pretty dresses."
"Mhm," he agreed as he put his feet down and leaned closer. Something drove him to eliminate the gap between them and he kissed her. It lasted a few seconds before he pecked her lips repeatedly, and she grinned against his mouth, eyes closed as she basked in the glory of his presence. He felt so... right. "You definitely do have pretty dresses," he breathed the words between her lips.
How was this reality? Hours of this and River couldn't process it. She needed to know what changed. Answers had power but to hell with it, she decided.
"Before you tell me whatever it is you planned to say, I need to know what you want from me," she said straight away, no walking on eggshells around him. After he stepped into the vulnerability pool with her, River felt confident in herself.
She pulled back from him and twisted on the signet ring on her index finger.
Confusion honed in on his features in the form of furrowed brows and questioning eyes. "What do I want from you? Is this a trick question?"
"It is not a trick question," she confirmed with a slight shake of her head. "I want to know what you want from me. Is it sex?"
Harry visibly choked on his saliva. He started to cough at the blunt question but she wasn't going to budge. It wasn't so unbelievable to be straightforward, was it? Perhaps to him it was but River was used to bluntness. Plenty of experience of it under her belt from any conversation she had with her parents.
"I mean... yes?" he said—asked. He didn't sound sure. If it was a known superpower to physically feel someone's confusion, River thought herself the master of it. Her skin tingled from the energy reflecting from Harry. "I don't—River, I don't understand where this is coming from."
"My mind?" she laughed, and she sounded insane. Her temporary bubble of paradise burst because she took her own needle to it and popped it. Words of her therapist rang true in her ears, the word self sabotage louder than anything else. "I don't date people, and I certainly don't go around kissing men for the sake of it. I want to know what you want from me so I can be clear on where we are."
There seemed to be puzzle pieces rearranging themselves in his brain. River didn't need to see inside his head to figure this out. As always, he remained an open book. Why did the revelation of her non-existent dating life shock him quite so much? He was aware of how focused she was on her work, how much she prioritised her family legacy, which, to her, instantly indicated that men weren't included in the small amount of down time she had.
"If it is purely sex you hope to gain from this then please don't be kind to me, and don't kiss me like you want more than ten minutes in the bedroom," she asked. The words sounded monotone as she forced herself to pull up her walls. It hurt her own heart to do this because she finally had a taste of what she only ever thought of before, what she only ever thought could be what she craved.
"That's not what I want," he interrupted her, sure in his answer. "I mean, yes, eventually but not right now," he shook his head. "Why would you think I only want sex when I've spent my entire afternoon with you, eating baguette and talking about the fact that I feel like I am failing my own brother?"
Conveniently, River chose to block those genuine moments between them. Because of this she was able to distance herself and save her heart from the pain she knew she'd have to feel eventually. The longer she pushed it, the better, she thought—but the looming anxiety kept her in a constant confinement of fear.
River gave in to her softened heart, and said, "You are not failing your brother."
"Don't change the subject," he replied, his tone suddenly cold and scarily familiar to how he addressed her before... well, before all this happened between them. Harry had always been serious whenever they spoke and she realised it would take some work on her side to differentiate between the way she used to think he thought about her and the reality of his genuine thoughts. "Look," he sighed. Considered his thoughts for a moment. Oh, gods, she grunted mentally, what have I gotten myself into? "I apologise if my intentions are not clear, or if they are misleading, alright? I don't—shit, River, I don't do... this," he pointed between the two of them like his vocabulary failed him and he couldn't describe what he meant.
"What is this?" she questioned. Honesty. Clarity. That's all she needed from him. Words—the one thing he couldn't seem to give her. Well, she thought, try harder.
"Kiss people for hours. Tell them about the shit I never would've dared to say out loud a month ago. I don't know!" he exclaimed. Again, he took a moment to cool down, to take a few deep breaths. River only sat and watched him. Patience ruled her into that position. Patience that would earn her an answer hopefully pleasant enough to keep her heart intact. "You confuse the fuck out of me, did you know that? You turn up and you're kind and you help me in ways that I'm not used to getting. You turn my head a complete three-sixty and I'm surprised it's still attached to my neck."
"That's physically not possible," she gave the smartass comment to remove the weight of his confession. River wanted a confession of love, sure, and this wasn't it but it was awfully close. Even then, she felt herself getting worked up. A while ago, she promised she'd never get close to anyone because there was no point, but now?
"When did you become such a smartass?" amusement hid between his words, swirled through them with ease like they belonged there but River couldn't help noticing it. A door had opened to him, one she could never get through so he opened it and she needed to know what made him move the handle.
She exhaled and said, "Harry, just tell me."
"I don't understand why it's important," he shook his head, and scoffed like it was an inconvenience for him to have this conversation. Either that, or he wished to buy himself time for an explanation. "You said yourself that you don't date so I don't expect this to go any further than it did today. I won't lie and say I'm not attracted to you—I am, and I have been for a long time. You are incredibly smart, and you're beautiful so you're completely out of my league. If that's what you wanted to hear, then it's out in the open now."
"I don't want compliments," she said but enjoyed the way he said those words, the weight they held and smoothened over her thoughts with ease. "How long have you been interested in me? Is this a situational thing, or are you being genuine?"
Harry laughed in disbelief and shook his head. "You want my honesty then question it? What's the point?"
For a moment, she stepped back and swallowed the response on the tip of her tongue. Before she could've denied what he's said, she concluded she was questioning his honesty because of her own trust issues. She didn't blame herself for it, and didn't want Harry to do it to her but she also couldn't hide beneath her problems to get out of what she'd done.
"I'm sorry," she apologised. The cleanest way to go about it. The way she wanted him to go about everything that could happen between them. "I did question your honesty. Because I'm confused. You rejected me before, and it hurt. I don't want to be in that position again. That's why I was going to leave earlier."
Surprise sat on Harry's face as he listened to her. River made the assumption that he wasn't used to people telling the truth the way she had done.
"I said some hurtful things to you that day, didn't I?" he asked, quiet, calm, regretful. River nodded and allowed herself to feel the emotions resurface. Guilt. Shame. The panging feeling in her chest. Across from her, Harry watched and followed the way her eyebrows pinched, the wrinkles on her forehead, the way she sucked on the inside of her cheek.
"I... uh, I am also to blame for that conversation," she replied. A tough and bitter pill to swallow but one she needed to get down sooner than later. "I didn't think that day. I had you on my mind, and it bothered me beyond explanation," she scoffed, a smile on her face as she remembered. "That kiss at the gallery fucked with my head, and I assumed if I kissed you again, I could stop remembering it. It was selfish and irrational. I wanted the thoughts to stop."
When River glanced up, she found him with a smile on his face, in his eyes. Without a word, she questioned what he was enjoying so much, and he shrugged. "You never swear."
"Somehow I think you missed the entirety of my apology there."
Harry tilted his head gently and looked at her like he'd never seen her before, like he set eyes on something completely extraordinary and he never wanted to forget it. Blood rushed to her cheeks as her mind concocted things that may not have been there—but she could've sworn she saw admiration in his eyes.
"You never needed to apologise to me, River," he admitted. "You've never done anything wrong. You've always been perfect," he spoke with so much heart that River's own nearly gave out. Never, not once in her life, had she had anyone look at her the way Harry did. It was impossible to even describe how it made her feel.
"But you pushed me away every time," she argued. The things he said now made no sense when his past actions were considered. He thought she was perfect, and he was attracted to her yet he rejected her, and said things that made her heart sink in her chest.
"Have you heard when I said you're out of my league?"
River tried to convey an 'are you kidding me' look and she supposed it worked when Harry cracked a smile and averted his gaze.
"Do you not remember what I told you once?" she wondered. "You always have to aim for things that feel out of your reach. You always have to exceed limits to get what you want."
"This is different," he answered. "This is... this is fucking terrifying," he laughed, flustered. For a moment, he leaned on the table with his elbows and ran his hands down his face. The shirt on his bicep tigthened and the vein on the forearm she could see was very visible. Time seemed to slow as she nibbled on her bottom lip, sucked it into her mouth, and thoughts of everything that could ever be considered inappropriate ran through her mind. His voice sounded muffled, but awakening, when he said, "I haven't been emotionally ready for any sort of relationship since Karina cheated on me, and it's been almost two years. I just can't bring myself to be open and out there and... it's just hard, you know?" he glanced at her as he leaned into his palm.
River didn't think when she moved closer to him and placed her right hand on top of his. Her fingers slid between his with ease, the diamonds on her ring bright in the ray of sun. She ran her thumb against the side of his index finger, her eyes travelled between his as she tried to convey her feelings.
"When we saw them at the gallery, I was reminded of everything and I haven't been able to shake it," he went on to share. River could only imagine the emotions he felt, the rawness of them, the depth to which they cut down. "It's like I went through their betrayal again. And when you came to see me about Mila, and how to be there for her, and you said I must've grieved Karina and Matt and our relationships—I really haven't but it... I don't know. It feels like maybe I should?"
"I am no expert at feelings or how they are best aided but I do know that you have to do what you think is right," she didn't know if that made sense but it was what she'd done all her life. She trusted her gut, and if it got her through problems then great, and if it got her in trouble then she dealt with the consequences. Though, she supposed, Harry didn't need to know the latter in his current state. "What had happened with your ex-girlfriend and your best friend is fucked up, yes, but it had to have happened for a reason, right? Why else would it have happened?"
Harry choked back a laugh. "Because I did something to deserve this result?"
"Tsk—don't you ever say that again, Harry," she scolded him, and squeezed his shoulder with her other hand. He gave her a weak smile, one that faded before it revealed itself too much, and she cradled his back, hand hung over his other shoulder. River sighed and leaned her cheek on his arm. "You have a lot on your shoulders, and me leaning on you is probably even heavier but," Harry laughed at the comment and lifted his thumb to intertwine with hers on the table. "What is it that kids say these days? God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers? Is that it?"
This lightened his mood again, the soft chuckle above River's head was proof. Harry moved after this and pulled his hand from beneath hers. He didn't go far—he put his arm around her and pulled her to his chest. Together, they leaned back and Harry engulfed her a bone crushing embrace.
"You're awfully physical for someone who hasn't been intimate with another person for two years," she teased him.
"Ah," he said quickly. "I never said I haven't been intimate for two years," River groaned as she thought of this in more than necessary detail. "I said I haven't been emotionally available for anything serious."
With a groan, she put one hand on his stomach and pushed herself away from him. "Look, about what I asked earlier..." with an exhale she gave herself enough time to think her words over. "I need to know what you want from me because, yes, I don't date and I don't kiss people for the fun of it. But also, if we want to explore... us, or a version of us, then it needs to be serious enough for me to tell my family."
"I understand."
She shook her head. "You don't understand."
"I have met your family. I know they expect nothing but the best from you and for you. And I know I'm not a guy like Charlie—I've had plenty of experiences with Juliette's parents to know that I don't fit into your world," he argued. She couldn't deny he had a point. The McAllisters could be cruel. The Hamiltons weren't much different. "But... fucking hell—I can't believe I'm saying this but I want to try for you. I want to try to fit into this... this other world that I somehow immersed myself in because I can't stop thinking about you, River Hamilton. Trust me, I've tried."
This made her smile so hard her cheeks started to hurt again. Then, eyes widening and smile slowly falling, she realised, "That's why you pushed me away—why you rejected me."
"Yeah, sounds like a rubbish excuse but my survival instincts kicked in—is that weird to say?" he laughed. She couldn't blame him since she had to live her whole life knowing her family. "I thought there was no way I can get mixed up with you and make it out alive, so I had to protect myself. Turns out it was for nothing because I can't fight how I feel."
Things began to connect and make sense in her head. The past he had limited the experiences and people he allowed close to him in fear of those potential new experiences and people leaving him behind like everyone else had done. Beyond the surface of the grumpiness and general indifference to most things, Harry has been through so much trauma that she wasn't sure how he'd ever heal from it all. Beyond it all laid a man terrified of possibilities and happiness and love because it seemed it never worked out for him and River's heart ached.
There he sat before her and he let her see his bleeding heart. No amount of bandaids or gauze could ever mend it but perhaps stitches could. River had never sewn anything in her life and to take on a human heart for the first try? Sounded like a challenge but Hamiltons never shied away from those.
"You want to try to be with me or you want to try to fit into this world?" she wondered.
"Is this a trick question?"
River rolled her eyes. "What's it with you thinking my aim is to trick you?"
"Besides the obvious fact that I've had a thing for you for longer than you could imagine and now you're giving me your precious time like I deserve it?"
"Self-deprecation is only healthy when you completely revolve it around yourself. When you project it, it's unattractive," she said. Harry thought he didn't deserve her and it irritated her because it felt like he gave up before he even tried anything. "You're not a child who needs to be coddled, are you?"
"No..."
"Good," she nodded, still serious about it. She needed him to leave the mentality behind quickly. "Quit thinking you're less than someone else because you're not. You have qualities, and talents that others dream of, and you have feelings and experiences that are valid. Embrace it all and be proud of who you are. People tend to be more attractive when they own their soul."
Struck speechless, Harry stared and—the eyes again. Had it been dark the stars may have been jealous of Harry's eyes.
"Yes," he replied in a heartbeat, soft but reassured in his statement. "I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me?"
"Yes," she replied. "I want to be with you."
Harry nodded. River followed. They shared a laugh when their nods kept on forever, similar to a toy that ran on batteries.
"Well, then, I suppose your first official appearance will be at the ball in two months' time."
"Don't remind me," he groaned. "It makes me remember those dance classes, and I'm already traumatised."
"Oh, please..."
"You will find I am terrible at anything that even remotely involves moving to a specific rhythm," he started to explain his side of the argument and while it was surely entertaining, River knew she could fix that issue for him. No one danced with River Hamilton and thought they couldn't dance afterwards. "So, for me to meet your family in a different... setting? Can I say that? Because I don't know if what we're doing is dating—aaand I sound like an idiot, don't I?"
Harry's confusion made River giggle and want to cuddle up to him. Something about the clarification of their intention with each other freed the fence that kept her locked and limited, and now, all she wanted to do was show her feelings in every physical way she possibly could. This left her confused because River had never been one to resort to physical touch as her way of showing love.
"Since we are being honest about our shortcomings, perhaps you should be aware I am not familiar with the dating scene or anything remotely connected to being in a romantic relationship—well, I suppose there are the novels I enjoy from time to time but nothing that would amount to any experience in the real world. So, as much discomfort as it brings me, I'm not sure I am certified in labelling this... wanting to be with each other situation between us."
It seemed Harry couldn't tell if her words were true, and River couldn't decide if he would end up in a fit of laughter or be empathetic.
"But Charlie?" he asked, quiet, unsure, almost afraid he said the wrong thing by mentioning another man's name. This was a fair question since Charlie had the tendency to be everywhere at all times. "I hope you don't mind me asking but it doesn't make sense to me."
"Charlie's always been there," she shrugged. And always will be, she left it unsaid. "I've known him since we were kids, but I'm sure I've told you this before, and so he never felt... real to me. You are very real and that is terrifying. Exciting, too, I think."
Something in what River said brought a smile to Harry's face. Permanent enough that she felt it against her lips when he leaned forward and kissed her, light as a feather, warm as the sun that caressed her hand on the back of his neck.
"I'm good with that," he replied before he kissed her again. If River needed any confirmation that Harry was as over the moon for her as she was for him then every time he kissed her she was reassured.
"Yeah?" she chuckled as he kissed his way down the corner of her mouth, to her cheek then down her jaw and slowly across the length of her neck. River couldn't help it when she leaned her head back, falling into his hand as it supported her, and gave him more access to her skin, somehow ending up in a bubble of haze that kept her safe. Eyes gently closed as the wind weaved through her hair, down her shirt as it peeled away from her lower back slightly.
"Mhm," he hummed into her skin, the sound deep, the air fanning against her neck leaving goosebumps on her body. Harry didn't stop the soft journey of his lips until he found his way back to her mouth, kissing her as though he waited his entire life to be there. "Being terrified feels good, doesn't it?" he smiled at her with his lips, and his eyes, and he looked happy in a way River had never seen him before. Certainly not in her company.
She considered his words, the meaning behind it, and she decided she agreed. "It feels the best with you," she answered, terrified of the vulnerability of the moment yet safe for reasons unbeknownst to her.
"Harry?"
It was unexpected. It completely broke the moment. The voice that called out to Harry reset reality and embarrassment flooded River because she felt caught doing something wrong.
The both of them whipped their heads to the side at the same time.
Whilst the intruder exclaimed a surprised, "What the fuck?" River was left equally stunned as she practically squealed, "Alden?!"
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Happy Friday!
AHH MAAAAHHH GGAWWDDD.
The response to last week's update was out of this world, and I swear it made me want to post another chapter because it got me so excited! Thank you for being so great and enjoying these two so much - it's amazing to get the feeling that everyone's having a good time reading :)
Going forward I can't promise such a bliss and I'm afraid our amazing Alden burst the rose coloured bubble Riverry hid behind. Oops. Although... well, I might have lied. I may let my delusional side surface and give them more time to be in love and whatever else. We'll see :)
Until then just hope and pray they don't get hurt!
Love, B xx