Warning: This chapter is full of angst. But I promise, it hurts so good.
The thing was, Regina always joked that your life will flash before your eyes before you die.
Regina had been in the brink of death before. Reckless car accidents when she was rebelling. A really bad case of pneumonia as a child.
She never believed life flashed before your eyes because it never happened to her.
But that moment she saw flashes. Rapid. Moments.
All those suspicious times with Narda.
She saw flashes, even though she was far from dying.
She thought of the intricate web of deception beneath the sweet words.
She suddenly felt her tears, it ached to be this vulnerable for Regina.
She then faced her sister, her eyes, emotionless.
"Luna --- I want you to get in the car with Ali and I will meet you at home," Regina suddenly said, her voice still quivering.
"Ate, NO!" Luna was dragging Regina's arm, telling her to go with her.
"Luna, I know what I am doing. I want my last time alone with her."
Regina's tone was austere, almost without a smidge of emotion. Her voice now sounding hoarse, her eyes now serpentine as she looked at Narda.
Ali, their driver grabbed Luna by her shoulders, encouraging her to leave with him.
He kept nodding and pleading, he had been working with the Vanguardias since he was a teenager. He knew Regina's volatile and damaging temper.
Luna finally settled in the car but she chose to still watch her sister from afar. She was marred by guilt more than anything.
She knew she set this ship to shore. She knew she was a mastermind behind this manipulation.
She looked at her ring finger and she still wore Carson Chu's championship ring. She bitterly took it off.
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There was pure silence as Regina and Narda stood there by the creek. The cold wind blew on their faces and the skirts under their hoodies.
The creek was a treasured place. So many memories were made there. Kisses, laughing while driving, and dreaming of a future together.
Now the memory would be completely tainted. Now as they reached their expiration date, it was now just tainted with deceit and a nightmare.
"Regina, kung pwede ko lang ma-explain sa'yo --- yun yung gusto ko sabihin kanina. Yun yung mga recordings na pinadala ko. Regina, I am so sorry pero hindi ganun yun.... maniwala ka --- it's not what it is like--- Regina, makinig ka saakin, please," Narda implored like her life depended on it, her eyes filled with desperation and her voice like a child begging.
She kept trying to hold on to Regina's hand but Regina kept driving it away. She looked disgusted every time Narda would even try touch her.
"Tell me. What was it like, Narda? Down payment, tapos ano? Bonus each time na nagsex tayo? Lokong loko mo ako. Did you enjoy it? Does it make you feel like a god? Tuwang tuwa ka na? Ano nga yun? Sabi mo noon? Nakaganti ka na sa walang empathy? Ang galing mo---- Putangina mo!!"
Regina's voice was unrecognizable as she quavered. She was screaming by the end of her sentence. The searing tears fell to her face, her mascara mixing in.
She was so anguished that it hurt to even breathe. She was in so much pain looking at Narda's face, it felt like she was being crushed underneath her chest.
Narda ran to Regina, clasping her hand. Regina kept fighting away from her touch, she then pounded on Narda's arm. Her fists landing on the petite woman's tensed upper body.
She wished she could inflict her the same pain that she was feeling right at that moment.
But something inside her stopped her. Soon her fists were landing weakly, until her hands could only hold on to Narda's shoulders.
She then held her so softly.
She almost had to balance herself as she leaned on to Narda.
When she finally leaned on to Narda's broad shoulders, Regina had to slump down, almost stopping herself from kneeling to the ground. She then started crying, a wail coming out of her scarlet-colored lips. She heaved heavily as she tried to speak.
"Ang tanga tanga ko!! I gave you everything, I gave it all ... What I showed was real ---- everything. Was nothing true to you? May totoo ba? I told you I did not want this but you kept on. Why? Why did you have to take it this far? Ang tanga tanga ko..."
Regina kept repeating the words like it was a chant. Narda had to support her, lifting her up to look at her in her dark eyes.
"Regina, maniwala ka --- totoo mga pinakita ko,ok? Sa umpisa, oo --- nagsimula sa kasinungalingan. Nagsimula sa mali. Pero Regina --- I fell for you. Nakilala kita at nakita ko na ---- iba ka --- minahal kita. Mahal kita..."
"DON'T EVEN START. Don't you dare use that word on me," Regina's words came out grave and harsh, backing away again from Narda. She pointed at her like she gave a warning.
"Regina, makinig ka, please... alam ko mali ako pero maniwala ka na totoo ako. Hindi kita papapasukin sa mundo ko dahil lang sa pera? Regina, kilala mo naman ako... naramdaman mo naman din siguro? Minahal kita."
"Do I really know you? As far as I am concerned I do not know where the fuckin' lies begin or end. Makasabi ka na mahal mo ako? Mahal? Pero niloko mo ako. Ginawa mo akong tanga. You could have told me the truth! Pero umabot pa sa ganito?!"
"Pero kaya ko nga pinlano yung confession. Kaya binuhos ko lahat-lahat ng pagmamahal ko para maramdaman mo na --- naive pero gusto ko maayos ito. Ayaw ko mawala ka..."
Regina flinched again, she now looked at Narda in pure disdain. Her emotions now in control as she wiped her tears. Her eyes staring fixedly. Like she was in a daze. Her tone now taunting Narda as she continued with her vitriol.
Right at that moment, Regina just made a promise to herself.
That Narda Custodio would not affect her again. She now looked at Narda like a snake to her prey.
"So what? Should I say thank you? Should I just be so touched? Kasi pinaramdam mo? Kasi plano mo naman magconfess? Na you took me for a fuckin' ride? Tangina yan. That's not love. "
"Regina... alam ko wala ako masasabi to make it better pero maniwala ka my feelings for you are true. I cared--- I care about you."
"If you cared about me, you would have fuckin' walked away when you had a chance. I wanted to walk away and you kept dragging me back in. You should have let me go when you had the chance. Not mess me up like this," Regina pointed to her chest while she spoke.
"Regina ... inaamin ko, naging selfish ako, hindi na nagisip kasi ang saya saya ko pag kasama kita pero maniwala ka na totoo na lahat, please."
Narda still kept pleading, desperate with tears stuck in her eyes.
Narda was an intelligent woman, she knew she had broken Regina Vanguardia.
At this point, she could only hope against hope.
"Ang galing mo rin, Narda. Riveting acting performance. Dalang dala ako. Since we are all about confessions... do you even know who Carson is? He's my ex-boyfriend. Congratulations, you are a pawn for his bitter revenge. Ano? Shocked? I am the bitch and the slut you were paid to break? Gusto mo ilista ko pa mga ex ko? Baka pwede mo rin perhahan. Since we are all about truths here."
Narda looked at Regina with hurt in her eyes, the reality hitting her more that she was a trojan horse to infiltrate Regina's calloused heart.
The damage now even greater.
She knew she had completely lost her.
"Wala ako paki sa nakaraan mo, Regina. Wala yun. Mahal kita,e--- diba mahal natin isa't isa kahit anong mangyari --- diba, sabi natin yun? Promise ko yun," Narda pleaded again.
Regina scoffed, forcing this kind of anguished laughter. She looked at Narda again in utter repugnance like she was about to be sick.
Her tongue had a droll again, enunciating every acerbic word.
"Ano ba tingin mo? Mahal pa rin kita? The person I loved was the person you pretended to be. This person now telling me that she loves me? Hindi kita kilala. You are nothing to me. The fact is? Diring diri ako sa'yo. You're fake. A gold-digger. Congratulations, I guess we are both frauds, ano?"
With those words, Regina Vanguardia strenuously tore off the silver necklace that hung on her neck.
With force, she threw the necklace towards the creek, the necklace plopping into the shallow waters.
Narda grabbed Regina's arm, trying to ask for her forgiveness. But with Regina's last strong push, Narda had to back away.
Regina now flashed her eyes in a furious daze. She was unforgiving. She was repugnant.
She was back to the poisonous baneberry that she was. Her nature. Her nurture. Her venom had to be released. It was time for the callouses in her heart to grow again. No one could ever come near her again. Not like this, she promised herself.
"As far as I am concerned, Narda? You are just a stranger I fucked."
With those words, Narda's tears fell. Acquiescing to her defeat.
Regina swiftly entered her old Dodge Dart and as the engine revved, she threw Narda's backpack to the ground.
The radio played a familiar song as the Dodge kept shrieking with its sudden brakes.
Soon, the car sped away without a moment of hesitation. The Vanguardia Benz followed as they left the street.
How could I do, this right?
If I'm such a flight risk
Narda suddenly in all her desperation ran towards the creek, the muddy waters now soaking her dress and her slippers. She splashed into the water, in torment, her hands searched for the silver necklace. Her feet were now in pain as she hit the stones. She swam through the shallow waters as she searched and searched.
Narda had no time for sorrow. She always had actions and solutions. So she searched for the only hanging thread, the proof of their once strong love. That necklace that symbolized their colliding worlds.
It's wearing me out this time
I wanted to stay, I tried
But you'll never leave me
She was drenched in the freezing water by the time she finally felt the string from the necklace. Her hand clasped it and she held it with all her might as the rushing waters went against her.
She was exhausted by the time she was on the ground. She looked at the necklace like a child in awe. She briskly wiped the dirt that clung to it.
She laughed, proud of herself. She laughed again, realizing how ridiculous she was to fight this hard over a necklace. She kept on laughing realizing even more that she had no ride home.
She laughed endlessly at her own absurdity.
She kept laughing in her high-pitched tone but tears were actually streaming down her cheeks this time. She blew air on her pink lips, like she had to self soothe. She instantly stopped crying.
She kept huffing air, wishing the necklace could bring Regina back. She casually wore it around her neck, she cursed at the stars again.
People always wished on stars, Narda could only curse at the night sky. Her wishes never came true anyway.
Tangina, Narda. Ginago mo yung babaeng mahal na mahal mo.
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You'll never leave me
If I'm already gone
It had been hours since Regina parked her car outside their mansion. She had completely shut down, she did not want to talk to her sister and she had no face to show to her father.
She was still parked there, her thoughts swirling into a mix of missing Narda and the bitter set-up she was taken for a ride for.
She remembered the first time they held hands. She had already thought of how Narda's embraces are now branded in her memory. How her kisses are now sprawled upon her soul.
How her laughter had become both her peace and annoyance. How she had been lost in her world. How she tore all her walls down. How they have loved all the way to the confines of their hearts.
Regina despised how both her mind and heart betrayed her.
Was any of it true? Why did you do this to me? Saan doon ang totoo? Why me? Why me, Narda Custodio?
Before this, Regina had been with many people. She had tried to love like how people are perceived to love.
But she had only felt so hollow each time. It was not until Narda Custodio that she realized, she too could love. That she too could be loved.
Only for her to just be a pawn. What truth could she hold on to? What memory could she even trust when it was all fake? The reality hitting her that she could only be loved if someone paid for it.
She held on to her steering wheel, her anger and grief striking her chest. Her anguish unleashing. Her venom simmering. Tears were now welling again in her eyes.
And that was when Regina unleashed it. She screamed inside that car.
She wanted to give everything a voice. Her sorrow, her sadness, and her grieving heart.
She mourned for her first love, her great love.
And the pathetic thing was, she did not even know if any of it was true.
Regina continued to shut down, unable to even be around her family. That whole weekend, she wept in her room and refused to leave it.
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Luna was in her bunny slippers , she wandered around their mansion's hallway. She was unsure while she walked to the end of it, she looked like a child with uncertainty crawling to her eyebrows.
She slowly walked towards her sister's bedroom. She brought in a tray that had Swiss Miss hot chocolate, Sky Flakes, and queso de bola. She topped it with little marshmallows while she crept up to the room.
As young children, they used to dip cheese in their thick and piping-hot cocoa. These were the times when Luna wished she could go back to when she was younger.
When it was not so complicated between her and her Ate Regina.
She slowly opened the creaking door that Regina finally unlocked for her. She found her Ate swathed around the different layers of her bedsheets. Her sister barely moved when she came in.
"Ate --- nagdala lang ako ng favorite natin, diba? Swiss Miss? Tapos Queso de Bola? May marshmallow pa?"
Regina did not say a word as she covered herself with her blankets.
"Ate Regina --- I just want to say I am sorry. I am sorry na I am immature na hindi ko man lang naisip na sinasaktan na pala kita. I just wanted to be a grown-up so badly --- I ended up hurting my sister," Luna tried to control her sob, biting her lower-lip.
"Want to know what grown ups have to deal with, Luna?" Regina asked, her voice holding no emotion.
"What?"
"Consequences. Now you have to deal with the damage. I do not think our relationship will ever be the same again, Luna. Hot chocolate won't change that. Now, please leave me alone," Regina whispered, she hid in her pillows while a teardrop rolled down to the bridge of her nose.
Regina heard her sister muffle a cry, when the door finally shut, she slowly walked over across her room.
She sipped the hot chocolate.
-------
Hot chocolate could not cure anything.
The confines of her room had the ghost of Narda all over it.
She could not even bear to hold on to the bass guitar, even that had been infiltrated with Narda's memories.
She cursed underneath her breath. Her bed somehow still smelled like Narda's aloe powder.
Her whole room was a reminder, she thought.
The lover. The user. The fraud.
By the wee hours of the morning, she started writing on a box with Narda's name on it, her eyes more determined than ever.
I'm such a flight risk, I wanted to be something
Already gone, I wanted to be something
But I'm already gone
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"Nakausap mo na ba Ate mo ulit?"
Luce and Luna were at the Pinto Art museum, looking at the modern French art exhibit. Luce had gotten free tickets and Luna was able to convince her French Professor that it would be good for extra credit.
They walked over the surreal photography of a famous artist named Tomaas, and it was of a weeping woman. It was called "Vilaine" about a villainous woman who had been scorned by her lover, somehow Luna could only see her sister in it.
"Ayaw niya makipagusap,e--- naiintindihan ko. I know I was wrong. I wish she just told me about Carson so I would have stayed away from him," Luna frustratingly answered.
"Maybe your sister did not want to disappoint you?"
"What do you mean, Luce?"
"Yung Ate mo parang Mommy mo na yan, diba? Siya nagalaga sa'yo. Perpekto halos ang tingin mo sa kanya. Kaya siya strict sa'yo kasi marami rin siya pinagdaanan at ayaw niya mangyari sa'yo yun. Sometimes our heroes tend to disappoint us. Takot siya na makita mo siya na mahina. Komplikado ang relasyon ninyo ni Regina. Hindi lang siya regular Ate mo."
Luna shook her head, overwhelmed with self-resentment.
She despised that her freedom had to come with such a heavy price. She despised that she ended up hurting her own sister.
Luce twisted his lips while he fixed his glasses. He exhaled in exhaustion as he tried to come up with words.
"I have to come clean, Luna. I knew for a time na bayad si Narda. I figured it out myself. I was sworn to secrecy. Pero eto masasabi ko. Weird na kung weird. But I believed Narda loved your sister," he explained while he looked like he was bracing for impact.
He was ready for Luna to lash out at him. Cut him off as a friend.
"This is the mess I made, huh? Ang dami ninyo pala nadamay. I am horrible."
Luna stared blankly at the art, she did not realize tears were now building up in her hazel eyes.
"How can you say Narda loved my sister when she just used her?"
Luce smiled sadly at her while he spoke.
"Siguro sa umpisa yun. Pero nakita ko ano ginawa ni Narda para sa Ate mo. Nakita ko how she wanted to make her happy. Genuinely. Ridiculous, ano? There is no solid argument sa love, Luna. Love is a powerful, complex emotional experience that involves changes in your body chemistry, pati na brain chemicals. Parang pinipili lang kayo. Pero kahit anong research ng psychologists -- they cannot find the rationality of it. We love because we love. It is irrational."
"Have you ever been in love, Luce? I thought I was. Hindi pala."
"I sure have been irrational," he sighed, his boyish smile hiding the slight sadness in his eyes.
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"Akala niya ba siya lang nagkaheartbreak sa buong buhay niya?! Diyos ko kung hindi mga harutan nila ni Vanguardia, yang kantang yan na paulit-ulit naririnig ko!"
Narda's dorm mate kept complaining.
Ding entered the cluttered dorm room. The music was blaring with Turandot's Nessun Dorma, the same song that brought sweeping memories of Narda's first night with Regina.
He instantly turned down the volume of the little stereo.
Ding watched while his best friend drowned herself in her research papers. Typing up all her assignments and extra credit work.
Her desk was a mess as books were piled up around her. Red Bull cans and leftover Fundador kept her company.
"Alam mo ba, Ding--- yang kantang ito ay love song ng mga demented? Papapugot na ulo niya ng Prinsesa pero in love pa rin? Mocking song ito at love song at the same time!"
Narda's eyes were bloodshot as she looked around her room, looking for something. She stood up looking panicked. Her hair was a mess and her shirt still had cheese-powder stains from the Pringles she had just eaten. She had been living off potato chips and energy drinks. Focused on her school work.
She then found what she was looking for, she swiftly grabbed the photo of her and Regina. Using a thumb tack, she placed the picture on her desk. Along the many other pictures with her ex-girlfriend. Alongside the photos of her family.
Ding sadly looked at the calendar in front of his best friend, filled up with circled dates of her different jobs. Drumming lessons, Math tutoring, and another round with her internship.
He clicked his tongue in dismay.
Narda suddenly noticed her scrawny friend standing there, looking at her in a morose way.
"Ding! Sigurado uno ako sa paper na ito," Narda exclaimed with a huge smile, she had a cough that she carried for a few weeks now. She drank her Red Bull focusing on her laptop again, her hands clattering while she typed.
"Narda, natutulog ka pa ba?" Ding asked, anger obvious in his voice.
"Power nap. Madiskarte ito. Eh walang oras,e," she shrugged, covering everything in her usual happy-go-lucky exterior.
Ding suddenly grabbed the laptop from Narda and slammed it, his eyes reflecting disquiet while he looked at his friend.
"Tangina naman Ding, ano ba problema mo?"
"Ano ka ba? Tumatakbo ka na naman. Tapos na kayo ni Regina --- pero pinupuno mo pa rin mga pictures ninyo sa inspiration board mo? Nagkakasakit ka na kakatrabaho? Hindi ka pa natutulog kaka-aral mo? Naligo ka na ba?"
"Judger--- nagdeodorant ako," Narda arrogantly laughed.
"Narda, ok lang maging mahina. Ok lang malungkot. Pangalan mo lang base sa Darna pero hindi ikaw superhero. Ano ba? Hindi na healthy ang pagtakbo mo sa realidad," Ding said, grabbing his best friend by her chin.
Narda then smacked his hand away, fury crawling to her face.
Her siga ways more apparent as she brushed him off.
"Ako? Tumatakbo? Hindi ako tumatakbo. Hinaharap ko nga, e. Ang buhay hindi titigil porke't nagbreak kami ni Regina. Wala akong oras para magmukmok. Ang dali mo ako diktahan. Eh isa ka rin namang Padua U kid na may back-up plan. Wala akong back-up plan, Ding. Kaya kung nandito ka para maawa saakin, hindi ko kailangan nyan. Ang arte mo! Hindi mo alam kung paano mabuhay na malamig sikmura. You privileged kids have time for grief. I have no time. Kaya, tama na judgment mo! Hindi ko kailangan ang nakakasakal mong friendship!"
Narda wiped her furrowed eyebrows as she continued to type rapidly. She did not say a word to Ding, she turned up the volume of her stereo. Drowning him out.
Ding took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes, trying to stop himself from crying.
"Alam mo, Narda, tama na ang takbo. Kung hindi ka man makikinig saakin, go to your family. Go home. Hindi na normal ito."
Ding started walking out of her little dorm room until he turned around to face her again.
"And yes, I am privileged. Pero yung status ko sa buhay does not make me any less of a friend who cares about you."
He slammed the door, leaving Narda in her dimly lit room.
In rage, she threw her books around. She huffed in exasperation. Her soul was weary again and she hit her palms with her face. Trying to soothe herself with her brewing anger.
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Narda was a shell of a person when she went from work to school and back again.
She still looked at her savings account, money trickled down so slow for what she wanted.
But even when she was a shell of a person, she longed for Regina.
It had been many weeks. Blocked calls. Zero messages. No Regina.
She put on her wired headphones while she looked at the beautiful woman she loved from afar.
Narda had to sadly smile.
The song "Ambon" was playing, it reminded her of the days when she was just a mere manliligaw for Regina.
She walked by the Liberal Arts building, overlooking the stained glass that separated her from Regina.
She ached for her so much.
She tried to win her back. She knew she had to try.
Ako'y nakatayo sa lilim ng iyong yakap at halik
Ngunit nalulunod pa rin
At nangangarap na maanggihan man lang
ng pag-ibig mong binihag ng mga ulap
Paano ba patitilain ang bagyo
kung ang gusto mo lang ay ambon?
She still tried even though she failed each time.
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She still tried even though those brown eyes only looked at her in indifference. Regina did not even display rage, she showed Narda was a mere stranger to her. Someone she should just pass by in the hallways.
Someone who she never knew.
Narda would wait by the Political Science building, with pancit canton that she had cooked. Wondering if Regina was hungry for lunch. She waited with her tupperware and by the time Regina would leave class, she refused to look at Narda in her eyes.
In the end, Narda sat there with the cold pancit canton, eating it as the sorrow built on in her heart.
She still refused to cry.
When Regina had an activist meeting, Narda would bring trays of iskrambol that she made herself. Everyone would be excited, slurping the cold dessert with gusto. But Regina Vanguardia would not touch it. She would refuse to even acknowledge Narda was there.
In rainy days, Narda would wait with the huge patio umbrella, like how they used to do it when she was just courting Regina.
It used to bring a smile on Regina's face but as soon as she saw Narda, she instantly unfolded her own small umbrella shielding herself from the rain, bumping on to Narda's shoulder -- not even saying a word.
Narda realized she could not make Regina laugh anymore.
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At nangangarap na maanggihan man lang
ng pag-ibig mong binihag ng mga ulap
By the time Narda walked back to her dorm, the front desk receptionist handed her a box that had Regina's handwriting. Narda longingly traced the box with her fingers.
When she got to her room, her box cutter slid through the heavy amount of tape. When she finally opened it, she felt her heart ache as she saw all their mementos together stuffed in a cardboard box.
It had her clothes, her flip flops she left in Regina's room, the yellow octopus they got from Regina's work, framed photos, their water tumbler, the St. Vincent shirt that Narda always wore, the books they read, their numerous post-it notes for each other, the bath bombs Narda gave, the toothbrush Narda left in Regina's bathroom, and the box of Sailor Moon band-aids.
The box still smelled like Regina's vanilla and citrus scent, it just made her yearn more.
Narda tried to faintly smile through it while she plopped the yellow octopus on her head and held on to the Sailor Moon box. She placed it by the bridge of her nose as she controlled her tears, exhaling to calm herself down.
"Kamahalan," she sighed, longing for her.
Aching for her.
Burning for her.
---------------------
Ako'y nakatayo sa lilim ng iyong yakap at halik
Ngunit nalulunod pa rin
In the coming days, Narda would stop by the Four Strings music store, looking at the second-hand white bass that Regina would always play.
She found herself plucking on the chords of the bass instrument, somehow hoping she could feel the remnants of Regina there.
"Hinahanap mo ba si Regina? Ang tagal na hindi dumaan yun dito. Buti naman kasi puro magazine lang naman binibili --- hindi naman yung bass," the owner with the pony tail said, shaking his head while he held on to his pot-belly.
Narda smirked while she tried and failed with that bass.
-----------
Narda would still walk around Cubao X and would drag herself at Calypso for a quick round of Red Horse beer. The times she had a racket or the times she hung out --- there was no Regina.
But that one particular night, Narda felt her heart soar when she saw the familiar blonde tresses gleam in the bar lights.
Regina was still in her blazer while she came in with her boss, Atty. Mariano and other interns for a celebration.
Regina was animated while she talked to the group, always impassioned while she debated. They were talking politics and Regina was always the loudest one.
Narda could only look admiringly from afar. There was a child-like smile that sprawled on her face and her eyes glowered at the sight of her now, ex-girlfriend.
When the band played, Regina started peeling off her blazer and she was now in her sleeveless tank top.
A tall Chinita with tattoos and a bob-cut grabbed Regina's hand as they walked over to the dance floor. The two of them started jumping up and down, laughing while they talked.
Paano na ito?
Gusto mo lang ay ambon...
"Narda, ano ba? Gusto mo pa ng beer? Saamin na ito," the bartender smiled enthusiastically as he slid the amber bottle towards her.
Narda plastered a smile and creased her lips, trying to look fun and nonchalant. She gulped the entire bottle of beer in a minute.
"Bad mood ka ba, Narda? Bakit ka umiinom ng ganyan?"
"Bad mood? NO! PERFECT NGA MOOD KO,E! GANDA NGA NG MOOD! Ganda ng gabi. Celebrate! Woo!"
Narda had to move like a breeze, she could not bear another second longer looking at Regina with another person. She could not bear even seeing her laughing with another person.
That was her. That should still be her, she thought.
When she left the bar, she felt like she had to gasp for air.
The thoughts running in her mind, had Regina moved on so quickly?
Unbeknownst to her, right when she left, Regina stopped dancing with the Chinita. Her eyes turned glassy again, while she focused on her whisky.
----------------
Ang gusto mo lang ay ambon
Narda had spent the rest of the night sitting by that creek. She was there almost everyday after school.
Alone with her whirling thoughts. Watching the dark and rushing waters through the moonlight.
That creek used to carry their most beautiful and cherished memories. Simpler times of Smugface and Kamahalan.
Now it carried Narda's ultimate heartbreak.
It was like a dashed dream that disappeared all at once and she had to wake up from it.
Narda always thought losing Sofia Quintana was her worst break-up.
But it was not until Regina Vanguardia that she learned that her heart could love like that.
She sat there by the creek, holding on to the necklace. Wishing against hope that someday Regina could talk to her again.
Her doe eyes looked at the moon sadly, she wondered to herself was Regina mourning for the relationship as much as she did?
Makapal na kung makapal mukha ko. Pero ganun nalang ba kadali kalimutan lahat, Regina?
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The St. Anthony's Immersion Class was packed that day. Students were in a noisy buzz and constant murmurs when they saw the handsome Carson Chu in shades and a broken nose. Some were laughing while he walked by. The rest had come up with the worst rumors.
"Tangina, kupal kasi buti nga nabugbog ng babae! Tuhog pa more, palpak naman!"
Now Luna Vanguardia was known as some sort of gangster that could beat up men.
He remained quiet while he sat far away from people. He darted his eyes at Regina who came into the lecture hall in her usual mesh clothing and intricate dark makeup. Her lipstick was rouge and her eyes looked at everyone in quiet disdain.
She had avoided everyone who tried to talk to her. The rumors were swirling all over Padua University like it was the latest post from Fashion Pulis.
Everyone now knew Regina and Narda broke up.
Everyone now knew Regina used to go out with Carson Chu.
Everyone now knew their paid set-up.
As soon as she sat down, people whispered, afraid to even look at her.
Narda soon came in with her big Jansport backpack and everyone whispered some more.
Narda tried sitting with Ding, who instantly stood up and walked away from her to sit with Luce who could only look at Narda woefully.
Luce and Ding were the ones who were inseperable now, Narda observed.
She exhaled in exasperation, walking over to the front of the class wherein no one wanted to sit.
She sat there alone, while everyone talked about her.
Father Fred, their priest lecturer came in noticing the tension in the room, he furrowed his eyebrows at the sight.
He tussled his gray hair while he walked around the white board.
"Good morning, class--- bakit para kayong dumaan sa bagyo? I hope everyone is fine. Except kay Mr. Chu diyan na mukhang nainjure ata ng basketball game. Natamaan ka ba ng bola? Bless you, son," Father Fred had to control his chuckle, even the saintly man could not stand Carson Chu.
Carson covered himself with a hoodie, looking more resentful than ever.
Father Fred continued to talk while he simpered at the entire class.
"We have not had an in-person class in a week. And now we have come for our finals for this term. Sinabi ko naman sa inyo the beginning of this term that our final is a retreat in Tagaytay. Dito we will talk about what makes you like St. Anthony. We will do some community service. Then we will discuss what is behind the power of..."
While he spoke he wrote out in capital letters the word:
"GRACE"
"This is going to be a free-form exercise. I am not asking you all to be as kind as St. Anthony, I am only asking you all about your experience. Grace is God's favor even when we do not deserve it. Grace is the miracles in our lives when we learn to love, forgive, endure, help when someone has the time of need, mercy, goodwill, and learning from our experience."
Regina was already rolling her eyes at the final assignment. Why were they required to take this class, she asked herself.
What a bunch of hypocrites. What a waste of time.
"I want this to be personal, ok? Wala pong judgment. I want you all to write an essay about how you feel. When did you have grace? Or affected by grace? Who would you like to address it to? Pwede para sa sarili mo. Pwede magulang ninyo. Hindi ko kayo igrade dito pero required po ito, gusto ko mag-open up kayo. Ayun ay sana may natutunan naman kayo kahit papaano sa klaseng ito. Even though it is just a forced curriculum para makagraduate kayo sa Catholic university. But at least you have a free trip to Tagaytay, ano? Iba talaga pag mahal ang tuition fee. So make it count, mga hijo at hija. At kung ano mang pronouns ninyo, ano?" Father Fred winked.
Narda was barely paying attention, playing around with her mechanical pencil. She looked at her organizer and it still says there:
"Schedule Breakdown."
She had to chuckle at the sight.
--------------------------
In the next few days, everyone started their letter in dedication to "grace" --- whatever they considered it to be.
------------------------
Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, that's life
Tryna make ends meet, you're a slave to money then you die
Ding was in his dorm room, the electric fan billowing humid air. He sat there in his Superman pajamas, listening to his new favorite, an old 90s song called "Bitter Sweet Symphony".
He had a blank Word Document, his glasses reflected the computer screen. He was distracted from deleting the photos from his cloud file storage. As he kept lazily clicking through the photos, he ended up with a photo of him and his best friend, Narda Custodio.
He looked at the photo with downheartedness.
He minimized his storage application.
He started tying up a paper and entitled it "A Test of Friendship".
--------------------
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
Luce Corpuz was in one of his dad's early campaign meetings, his father was busy meeting with different politicians in the community center. He felt out of place while they all wore neon green shirts that had his dad's name on it.
Luce sat at the side of the office, his eyes focused on his laptop. Right in front of him were dozens of emails from a certain École nationale supérieure des arts décoratifs.
It was an art school in France he has been trying to get into. He finally got in.
"Grace is--- taking on the unknown--- Luciano, kailan ka ba magkakalakas ng loob sa buhay mo," Luce whispered to himself.
---------------------
The crowd was booing outside the gymnasium. Carson Chu had lost another game, his coach just yelled at him that he was out of his usual form.
His teammates were annoyed with him for the bad game.
His father already expressed his disappointment in a text message to him.
He got out of the locker room, dragging his feet. He walked around with bruises on his face. He was about to head to the Padua U exit, he saw Luna in her midnight blue cheerleading outfit.
He looked at her with seriousness, his eyes focused on her while he stood there in his sweats.
The brown-haired woman walked over to him, hesitant and tentative. She almost looked like she still yearned for him.
Carson's features softened as if wanting to know what Luna had to say.
She then shoved him in full force and before he knew it, he felt something cold on his hand.
He looked down on his palm and it was his championship ring.
Hours later, he went straight to the VIP room in his favorite bar, the blue lights washed over him as he hung out with the same group of socialites.
Soon, a young woman sat on his lap, she had blonde-streaked hair.
"Did I ever tell you na gustong gusto ko buhok mo?" Carson's eyes were seemingly in a trance.
"Ano nga ulit pangalan mo?" He asked her.
"My name is Grace," she said, giggling at the attention he was giving her.
"Eh ikaw pala sagot sa essay ko para sa klase ni Father Fred--- tangina," Carson laughed.
A sealable plastic bag was handed to him, filled with the finest powder, his favorite party-enhancer --- cocaine.
"Tangina ng assignment na yan. Hindi ko na kailangan ng stress!"
He cupped the woman's face with his strong hands and kissed her, his eyes closed, and his world a blur.
-------------------
Regina sat in their family office room, her Mac was right in front of her. She looked at her cursor and thoughts swirled in her head.
She impatiently grabbed her vape pen and inhaled the cherry smoke for a glimpse of comfort. She had deleted every sentence she just typed. That was what she had been doing all night --- type and delete.
She typed it again.
To my Dearly Detested.
How do I loathe thee?
Let me count the ways?
Regina's phone buzzed, it had been buzzing all night. Messages from an unknown number. She looked at her phone and she billowed the smoke out of her plump lips.
Her eyes like a serpent on a hunt, thinking of her next move.
-------------------------------------
Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, that's life
Tryna make ends meet, tryna find somebody then you die
It's a bittersweet... symphony...
Narda was in Nueva Esperanza with hardly any sleep. She had not even changed out of her travel clothes yet, she was still soaked in sweat.
She sat on their scratched up dining set by their dirty kitchen, the house still smelled like fried fish, and she had noticed that her sister, Journee had a bruise on her chin and a wound on her lip.
"Napano ka?" Narda asked in a tone that was both filled with anger and concern.
"Eh kasi tinutukso ako ng mga kaklase ko na puro panganay daw tayo. Talande daw si Nanay kaya sinuntok ko--- na principal nga ako,e. Eh Ate baka pwede ikaw nalang pumunta at kumausap sa principal. Wag na po si Nanay. Kasi magulo lang,e."
"Hoist! Choose your battles. Journee, ikaw lagi talo sa ganyan. Oo na, ako na kakausap, " Narda scolded her sister.
She went on a speech on why Journee should never do that again. On why people like them are always going to be the losers at the greater scheme of things.
That was Narda's role all the time, the ultimate guardian for her sisters. The responsible one in the household. Taga-talak. The never-ending sermon. The stacks of bills. The one in charge of all the kargo.
Narda slammed her organizer, looking at her pad-paper. She had been doodling badly-drawn spaceships on the lined paper in the bus to Nueva Esperanza.
She wrote the word "GRACE" and nothing was entering her mind. There was barely any energy left in her to come up with another essay.
She was suddenly startled when she overheard her mother, Leonor fighting with someone. She then witnessed her mother throwing a glass of water on a man's face as they kept yelling at each other.
"Tangina mo ka, Jomar! Tinangay mo na nga pera ko, nambabae ka pa! Tangina mo!"
"Loko 'to ah!" The man in his sando wanted to slap Leonor until Narda had to stop him.
She was so used to it.
It was like clockwork for Narda at this point, her mother probably went through another breakup.
She shoved the man with all her strength as she slammed the door, she dragged her mother by her arm and had her sit down on the kitchen table.
She did not say a word, she immediately went to the old GE refrigerator and grabbed the floral pitcher of water.
She poured into an amber glass and slammed it on the table.
"Lasing na naman po kayo, inom po ng tubig," Narda said in a deadpan way.
"Hindi ako lasing. Tangina niya ... manloloko--- akala niya, ang dami kong manliligaw siya pa sinagot ko, mangdurugas naman," Leonor kept saying.
Narda barely had any expression in her eyes as she went back to her homework.
"O kamusta na ang Dada ko? Ano gusto mo prituhan kita ng SPAM? May tira pa doon sa mga dala ni Regina noon, akala mo, aba ay tinipid ko yun!"
Leonor kept talking and ranting, while Narda wanted to shut her off. If she could mute her she could. She just wanted to running thoughts in her to just disappear.
She heard the sizzling of the pan as her Nanay fried the spam. Her mother still kept talking.
"Dada, ano nga pala --- kung pwede lang naman. Ayan kasi si gagong Jomar,e---- aba ginamit yung pera sa sabungan. Sabi niya kasi sure ball daw. Eh ayan... nawala yung 5K. Eh yung 5K kailangan pa naman yun. Eh Anak, baka naman makisuyo lang ako. Kahit 3K lang doon. Para sa gotohan naman. Eh alam mo naman, mahirap ang buhay. Ang mahal mahal ng itlog at ng sibuyas... Leche."
Of course, the only time her mother would cook for her was with a favor attached to it.
Leonor slowly plated the Spam and added heaps of rice in front of Narda. She then kissed her daughter, pleading with her for some money.
Narda could barely react as she could still smell the Ginebra San Miguel on her mother.
"di bale po ... gagawan ng paraan--- pero layu-layuan mo po ako kasi naamoy ko pa alak mo," Narda whispered, there was a quiet rage in her voice as she positioned herself away from her Nanay.
"Aba. Ang yabang ah. Porke't naka Padua U. Porke't Manila girl na. Mga kasama na mga mayaman, mga sikat --- ang taas na bigla ng lipad mo, ha? Hoy--- Narda, ano nga sabi ng Diyos? Honor thy mother. Hindi porke't mas mataas napagaralan mo saakin babastusin mo na ako. Iba na yan, ah. Anak ka lang."
Narda did not have any more words, she walked over to the cupboards by the kitchen and she grabbed her mother's bottle of gin.
She started gulping it, clenching her eyes shut while she felt the burn all the way to her throat. Her mother immediately grabbed the gin bilog away from her and smacked her shoulder.
"Ano na naman yan inaasal mo, ano ka ba, Narda. Hindi mo yan gawain, anak!" Leonor exclaimed, pushing her daughter.
"OO! BUTI NAMAN NA ANAK NA TINGIN MO SAAKIN!" Narda suddenly screamed, the veins on her neck protruding.
She covered up her face with her palms as she suddenly cried, wailing into her hands. Her little sisters huddled together by their rooms as they watched their Ate lash out and cry like that for the first time.
Leonor had not seen Narda act like this, it was like she was a child stepped on broken shards for the first time. Her daughter was in pain and she had not seen her in such agony before.
"Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako, Nanay," Narda said, her shoulders shaking.
"Dada --- ano nangyayari sa'yo? Bakit ka nagkakaganyan?"
"Bakit ako ganito? Kasi pagod na ako. Pagod na ako na ako lang may kargo ng lahat. Pagod na ako na andito ako sa mundong laging talong talo ako. Pagod na ako na tagahanap ng solusyon sa bawat problema mo at ng pamilyang ito. Pagod na ako na kahit kailan hindi ko man lang pwede isipin sarili ko. Kasi wala yun, 'di yun pwede sa mundo ko. Pagod na ako na lagi ka lasing. Pagod na ako sa mga utang. Pagod na ako sa mga kapalpakan mo. Pagod na ako umintindi. Pagod na ako na lagi nalang 'opo... ako bahala'. Pagod na ako na lagi ko nalang. Aayusin bawat gulo mo. Pagod na ANAK mo. Magpakananay ka naman!!"
"Ano ba nangyayari sa'yo," Leonor was stupefied as she watched her daughter cry, she was sobbing so much she could barely breathe.
"Nakailang luwas na ako dito--- wala man lang 'kamusta, Narda'? Wala man lang 'ang dalas ng uwi mo, may problema ka'? Nay, kung tutuusin kung hindi mo pinakargo lahat saakin baka nakilala ko si Regina na normal lang. Baka nakilala ko siya sa tamang paraan at hindi dahil pinoproblema ko mga utang mo. Baka hindi ako parang gaga na nagpapabayad. Baka hindi ako parang gahaman na walang prinsipyo. Baka iba sana mundo ko. Baka hindi ako talo..."
"Narda, ano ba..."
Narda finally said it.
And there --- she finally broke down.
"... baka hindi nawala saakin ang babaeng mahal na mahal ko. Nay, I'm sorry pero kailangan ko kayo. Ikaw naman maging malakas. Nawala na saakin ang babaeng mahal ko. Ikaw naman. Kahit ngayon lang. Pagod na pagod na ako..."
Leonor slowly approached Narda and her hands wiped he tears streaming on her daughter's face.
And just with her mother's touch, Narda's eyes clenched shut as tears fell some more. She melted into Leonor's embrace. Leonor kept kissing her daughter's head as she finally apologized to her daughter for the first time. She did not really know how to react, she started crying too.
"Ako na bahala,Anak. Hanap ako racket. Hindi ko talaga alam. Sorry na. Sorry na Dada ko. Akala ko kasi lagi ka malakas."
-----------------------------
The St. Anthony's Retreat was astir as the college students were busy with their different community outreaches.
In the usual Padua University way as they got involved with helping the church, they had to take photos to display to their wealthy parents and benefactors of the school.
The breeze in Tagaytay was crisp that day.
The whole afternoon felt like there were rain clouds that never quite came into fruition. The students were boisterous as they ran towards the green hills and danced for their TikTok videos.
Regina stood there in her black camisole, smoking her vape as she sneered at everyone. She was just so tired of the immature college life at that point. She could not wait to just go through the motions in New York and pretend that she wants to be a corporate lawyer.
They retreated to the three-story cottage the university rented. It was supposed to be a time of peace and reflecting Christianity. But throughout the last two days, couples were sneaking into each other's set-up dorms to mess around. Padua U was also all about hypocrisy.
It was the last day there and it was time to turn in their final essays. The group of students were all sitting on the carpeted floor, noisy and riotous as if they were all on an AirBnb roadtrip.
Father Fred looked handsome without his formal black cassock, he sat on the stool in a polo shirt and regular slacks.
It was odd seeing him in normal clothing. He smiled cheerfully at his students, proud of his class.
"So let us talk about grace? Last class na. Does anyone want to share their experience? Their essay? Free-form? Poem? Does anyone want to be vulnerable? Extra credit points--- bilis na, no judgment," he beamed in a wholesome manner while he spoke.
There was pure silence in the cottage. No one wanted to volunteer.
Ding was fiddling with his phone. Luce was nervous while he sat next to him. Carson was all the way at the end, still nursing a hangover. While Narda, sat all alone close to where the priest was.
The class suddenly gasped when they saw someone raise their hand.
"Miss Vanguardia, you want to share?" Father Fred asked.
"Yes, Father--- I'll go," Regina said softly.
Father Fred had to do the sign of the cross as he sat down. Lord, have mercy, he thought.
Regina had pieces of paper with her. The pieces were folded, a bit damp from the sweat on her hands. She looked more nervous than her usual esteemed self. She finally faced the class.
She wore an unsure smile and shrugged, trying to form the sentences together. She then started reading.
I know I am not the most popular woman in this school. I am definitely not going to win Miss Congeniality. I know most of you are paying attention to me because of my last name or the rumors about me or my tempestuous ways.
I am not a perfect person -- that is saying the least. I do not even know if I am kind or if I could even bring myself to talk about the teachings of a saint when I could be quite the opposite.
She paused, clearing her throat. The entire class was quiet as they stared at her with earnestness.
In the last three almost four months, I met someone who changed my life. This person I would call my Significant Bother. The thing is, I have written probably hundreds of drafts of this Hate Letter as I would like to call it. But this one, finally felt right for some reason.
So this is my Hate Letter to you.
To my Dearly Detested,
How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. You said you wanted to be my significant other when I only saw you as my significant bother.
You called me Kamahalan, when I told you that there is nothing to love about me.
You wanted to know me when I told you that I am feared and ridiculed for a reason, you see?
You made me love offals and street food even though I was raised to not to touch it, unlike you, I was raised without grit.
You brought me to a province, I endured mosquito bites and cheesy butterfly fiestas--- and somehow you made me love every single minute of it.
You sang and celebrated me when I was built to be hated and judged by everyone.
You made me listen to my most despised opera and made me understand there is nothing like love in a desperate tenor's song, when all is said and done.
Truth is, you had me fall in love with music again.
You made me sing in front of many, when I told you no one should ever listen to me.
You made me play the bass again without anger in my heart, your memories now molding with the melody.
Then, you kissed away the tears when most people would rather laugh at me when I was marred by tragedy.
You collided with my world even though I did not want that to happen...
and my world was never the same again.
You broke down the walls that I built so high up that no one else can access, only for you to break my heart in the process.
This assignment asks for when I learned grace.
I learned that grace is loving you even when I did not intend to.
Even when I trained my heart not to see you through.
I learned that grace is forgiving you even when you chose to break my heart and your love was untrue.
I learned that grace is making this hate letter for you, my only thank you letter, my great love letter, and most importantly, my goodbye letter for you.
To my Significant Bother, in our colliding worlds full of lies, this I swear to you, all my words in this letter are true.
Thank you, I love you, and goodbye to you.
As Regina got to her final words, her voice broke and she started crying.
Like it was the Anthony's Ball all over again and Narda just shattered her heart. Each sentence and each happy memory, flashing in her mind like old reels she would rather forget.
Her heart ached for Narda Custodio and her heart made itself known as if saying it recognizes the person she dedicated this letter to.
The women in the class started tearing up as they profusely wiped their eyes. The other people started murmuring and gossiping. Father Fred was speechless and was in total awe.
And Narda Custodio, sat there clenching her jaw and staring at Regina with remorse.
"Class... maybe we should take a break," Father Fred said nervously.
Regina exhaled and started running away, embarrassed that she was crying in front of the class.
Narda immediately stood up and followed her.
Running to her.
-----------------------------------------------
Narda ran to the prickly grass, her rugged sneakers stomping through the mud.
She was panting as she kept running towards her ex-girlfriend.
"Regina! Regina! Regina!" Narda started chasing after Regina who was by the ravine.
Regina kept backing away from Narda each time she started approaching her. Narda's doe-eyes were pleading as she finally held Regina's hand.
Just the mere touch again was like electricity for Regina, it pained her that her body still reacted like this to Narda.
"Regina --- mahal mo pa rin ako?" Narda's voice was innocent when she asked this question.
Regina instantly recoiled from Narda's hand. Right when she was stepping away again, Narda charged in and embraced her tightly from the back.
She could feel Narda. She already smelled the familiar scent of aloe powder, and Regina closed her eyes, melting into the petite woman's comforting embrace.
It was familiar and her heart responded to it, thudding quickly each time.
Narda's lips briskly touch her shoulder and she felt the heat crawl to her chest.
"Regina ---- mahal mo ako? Sabi mo mahal mo ako. We have a fighting chance. Ayusin natin ito, please," Narda kept pleading, her voice quivering, filled with hope.
Regina slowly got out of Narda's enveloped arms. She faced the petite woman.
"Napakinggan mo ba ang recording, Kamahalan?" Narda smiled, her nose wrinkling like Regina was so used to.
"H-hindi."
"Pero narinig ko lahat ng sinabi mo... nagmamahalan tayo... kaya aayusin natin ito, diba?"
Regina sighed and a faint smile sprawled on her lips.
There was so much sorrow when she spoke.
"Narda, my feelings do not change the fact that I can no longer trust you. My feelings do not change the truth na niloko mo ako. Na this all bore from deceit. My feelings do not change the reality that both you and I have to face. Wala magagawa ang feelings lang Narda. May consequences. May impact. Our love is not enough to fix the damage this all brought. Love cannot change reality...."
With those words, Narda had to breathe in loudly as if she was about to drown again.
She felt like her dreams were dashed again. Like a jolt to her senses, a pain, a splinter buried deep in her heart. Teardrops fell quickly from her eyes, she no longer wanted to stop it.
Regina's hand slowly reached Narda's face, her fingers now crawling on her ex-girlfriend's jawline and tracing over her features. Her thumb wiped her teardrop gently.
She looked at her lovingly.
"Ano nga sinabi ko noon sa'yo? Ano nga sabi ko sa first date natin? 'The way I see it? You cannot stand me. I cannot stand you. We are just mere lessons for each other. We served our purpose na. Lesson learned na.'"
Narda in her stubborn ways shook her head and tears just kept falling. Her face wet as she stared at Regina's chocolate-brown eyes.
"Sabi ko rin noon---- 'maybe our lesson is not over yet'," Narda's voice shook.
With that she grabbed Regina's face and she crashed her lips onto hers. Kissing her desperately.
Regina instantly melted into the kiss. Kissing back like it was muscle memory all over again. Her body always reacting to Narda.
But Regina came to her senses, her hand gently pushing Narda to back away. Stopping the kiss.
"See you around, Smugface... thank you sa lahat," Regina spoke so softly.
Regina then walked away from Narda.
This time Narda did not chase her.
The rain clouds had gone darker and soon rain started pelting on Narda's shirt. Her scalp felt the coldness of the raindrops. She let go.
Letting the showers fall to her face while her tears mixed in with the storm. She took off her hair tie as her hair got wet. She let the pain gush in.
She let go. She broke down again.
This time, she had time for grief.
Ooh, wag na wag mong sasabihin
----------------------------
What's in Narda's recording?
Will there be another chance or are they a mere lesson?
If it is this painful... is it worth fighting for or are these just lessons to bury deep in their hearts?
Ano ang ending?
'till next chapter.