The greatest mistake I've ever made was agreeing to marry Amara Stanley. And now because of it my heart is breaking, fading away slowly because I may have just lost the woman I care for.
It's been two weeks of not seeing her, two weeks of not hearing her voice, not seeing that smile. Nothing like this should affect me but for some reason, Scarlett has made me feel this heartache. I don't know what to do or to who to speak—I never have shared anything like that.
She said she'd contact me regarding the case but she hasn't even done that either. This was all my fault, I let that woman get in my head and fool me into doing this. Amara was a nightmare and she still is every night.
"Elijah you need to get out of your room. It's been two weeks." Sebastian comes knocking in, I hush him because Dalia was sleeping on my bed.
"I can work perfectly from my room. I don't need to get out." Not looking at him, my eyes were fixated on my laptop yet my mind was on Scarlett.
"Look at you, Eli. You're a mess."
"I don't care. No one is looking at me." Sipping on my bourbon, I hear him walk closer to me and bring a spare chair over.
"What's happened, Elijah? You haven't said a thing to me." He's right. I haven't told him what happened and I don't think I want to tell anyone yet.
"There's nothing to tell. We've been very busy at the restaurants and clubs." I tell him, thinking of any excuse just so I don't spill anything about Scarlett and me. Looking at him, I show him the screen of the increase in profits we've had over the past few months.
"Are you sure that's all?" He asks again and for some reason, I was getting frustrated by it. Everything around me was collapsing—I didn't want to think about it, about her because if I did then maybe I'll completely collapse.
"That's all, Seb. Don't you have any work to do?" Speaking coldly, I stand up and walk over to my daughter—the only thing that's bringing me peace right now. Sitting beside her, I kiss her cheek and push her hair aside so it wasn't bothering her whilst she sleeps.
"I'm going to head to the warehouse soon." He speaks, monotone because I almost yelled at him.
"Keep me updated."
"I will. Just take care of yourself, Eli." He sighs, and I know releasing my anger on him isn't right but knowing when something is your fault, you can't help but let go of all the emotions inside of you.
"Whatever Seb, I'm completely fine." Rolling my eyes, I take out my phone—as I have for the past two weeks—waiting to see if she would message me. Everything she said to me that night was true, her words were right and everything I did was just a betrayal of her heart and mine.
Once Seb leaves the room, I do the dumbest decision and message her.
She's got me so locked in her world that she's the only thing I can think about. My entire mind is revolved around her; everything about her, I have memorised. The red lipstick that she always wears and never lets it smudge, the confidence in her like she knows everything that's going on around her, the hesitant smile she gives when something happens because she rarely smiles, the glossy pupils when she's happy about something.
Me: Scarlett, it's been two weeks. Two fucking weeks without you. Talk to me, please.
Hitting the button to send the message, I immediately put my phone down—now almost regretting sending it. Maybe it was the right thing, maybe not but something in me—something in my heart pounds in a way that hurts.
I never had thought I'd be this crazy over a woman. A woman that I'm forbidden to even love, to care about, to be with but here I am, doing the exact opposite of that. And I guess falling in love isn't easy—especially with my past, with my problems, with my childhood, everything seems to be impossible when it comes to love.
Growing up without any love from my parents was the hardest thing to cope with. Having to face them every day was torture—living in that house was torture. Every day, I'd be scared to come home, to see them standing by the door ready to hurt me mentally, sometimes physically too. My parents never told me they loved me, not even my mother.
And every time I used to say it to her or my father, the response was always something I never expected.
---FLASHBACK----
Having family dinner was terrifying. Every night it was like this. Glares at my face, little food, not allowed to leave the table until I was finished everything and if I didn't want it, I was forced to have it.
But today felt different— my mother somehow made my favourite food.
Sitting at the dining table, I wait for the food to be put down, I was sitting with my father but he had no idea was there. Soon my mother walks in with the tray of food, placing it on the table before sitting down.
I felt deathly eyes on me but I didn't take too much of it. My food was being served but before I could pick up the fork, my father stops me.
"He shouldn't be getting this much food, Eren." His voice scares me. How could my father's voice scare me? Without hesitation, my mother picks up my place and cuts a fair portion out, putting it back into the tray.
"It was by accident, Paul." My mother speaks, looking me in the eye with no feelings whatsoever.
"Eat your food, boy." My father demands, my hands shaking as I pick up the fork, scared to even eat in front of them. My mother and father start talking to one another, ignoring me—forgetting that I even exist at the table.
"The food is yummy, thank you, mom." I decide to speak, hoping that I could get little attention at least.
"Whatever, just eat." She speaks, not even looking at me but at her food. Tears grow in my eyes but I stop them before my father could call me weak.
"I-I love you, mom." Looking up at her, she has her eye on me as I tell her that I love her. She scoffs, which also makes my father do the same.
"No one loves you back so don't even bother saying it too." She scolds, yes scolds at me for telling her I love you. I almost let the fork drop out of my hand but before I could I picked up my food and eat it quietly, without saying anything back.
"Who would even love this boy? No one would, Eren." My father says, both of them chuckling at his words. My stomach hurts, and my heart beats rapidly as I hear them enjoy this. No one loves. They're right. No one does. No one could ever, right? They hate me which means everyone hates me.
"Weak boys don't belong in our family." She says, looking at me, a grin sitting on her face as they both burst into laughter.
I wanted to just leave dinner but I know I couldn't. If I leave right now, my father would follow and teach me a lesson. I've had enough lessons but they continue regardless. I could never stand up for myself, not in situations like this.
I guess I am a weak boy.
---END OF FLASHBACK---
Fuck, I hate thinking about it. I hate that the past is stuck with me and no matter how I avoid thinking about it, it runs back into this brain of mine.
Breath hitching, my phone goes off at the same time and stupidly I pick it up straight away, thinking it was from Scarlett.
But it wasn't. It was from Santi.
He wanted me to come for drinks with Rico so I said yes. Maybe I needed this. Replying to him, I force myself to get up and take a shower—maybe it would relieve my pain. But nothing does. Nothing could ever.
But every time I look at my daughter, it's like the whole world, those traumatising memories deteriorate and everything seems fine. She does the bare minimum and I feel my life is at peace. Just by looking at her, my lips turn into a smile, hearing her talk and seeing her happy is what makes me happy—and it helps me realise that this is what parenthood is all about.
----
The boys and I met up at Rico's place, I had to bring Dalia with me because she didn't want to be home with Colleen. The boys love her so I don't mind bringing her whenever I'm meeting them. She was playing with her dolls that she bought along whilst the boys and I were sitting and talking.
I was so close to telling them about Scarlett—maybe I will. They wouldn't tell anyone, I know they wouldn't because we made a pact to not share our secrets with anyone.
"Elijah, what's wrong? You've barely touched your drink." Rico says, pulling me out of my thoughts. I clear my throat, both of them looking at me as if I was going to tell them something.
"Nothing's wrong." They knew I was lying. The way they looked at each other and then back at me showed it. I pick up my drink just to show them I was okay, but I know they weren't going to fall for it.
"Spill. What happened?" Santi asks leaning forward, looking at Dalia and then back at me.
"It's not about Dalia, don't worry," I say, circling the rim of the glass with my hand. Sighing, I sit back, debating on whether to tell them or not. But it's bothering me to a point that I could just blurt it out.
"Then what is wrong? You're fucking sulking, Eli." Rico exaggerates, both of them wanting to know so eagerly.
"I ruined it. I ruined everything I had with her." Looking up at the ceiling, I let my head drown in my thoughts once again—blaming everything on me once again. She made me feel guilty, now I feel that guilt bursting everywhere.
"Ruined what and with who?" Santi questions right after but it takes me a moment to answer again. She comes into my thoughts but all I see are her tears, the defeated look she gave that night I visited her.
Sorry means nothing in this situation, Elijah.
When she said that's when I knew I ruined it. No apology could fix the mess I caused. But I want her to forgive me. I want her to be okay with me again, I want her to care about me.
"Scarlett. I ruined it with Scarlett."
"As in your lawyer, Scarlett?" Rico mumbles, I look at him in the corner of my eye and shake my head before looking back up at the ceiling. Squeezing my eyes shut, none of them say a thing, probably confused as to what I was saying.
"We were secretly seeing each other," I continue to tell my story of what happened, making sure that Dalia wasn't listening though, "That day I got arrested, she bailed me out. Then that same night we—"
"Had sex?" Rico finishes the sentence for me, it takes a moment to say something back because all I remember is what I said to her. I did ruin that night for us—it should've just been about us and yet that fucking woman had to come into my head.
"I compared her to Amara." Blurting out, the silence amongst us said it all. The look on their faces said it all. Sitting up straight, Santi had his brows frowned, and Rico looked clueless.
"What do you mean?" Santi half whispers, my tongue scrapes my teeth as I gulp, letting it hit deep how badly I messed up.
"I told Scarlett she was just like her. I know I fucking messed up."
Downing my drink, I pour in another glass because, at this point, I couldn't take it. "She left straight after and I went to go talk to her two days later but she hasn't forgiven me." Adding on, I keep an eye on my phone, remembering that she hasn't replied to me yet.
"Fuck Elijah, you did mess up. What are you going to do now?" Rico asks and honestly I had no clue on to make it right.
"I don't know. She won't even talk to me." I had to whisper because Dalia looked at me, looking like she wanted to ask me who but doesn't end up asking.
"Make it right before it's late, Eli." They were right. If I don't fix this, fix us, then I could lose Scarlett forever and not just with me but with the whole custody case. "We can watch Dalia if you want but you need to get her as soon as possible." Santi continues to speak, I sigh as I decide on what to do.
Both of them divert their attention to Dalia who hands them a doll each and as I look at my daughter, it occurs to me that I have to do this for her. Reaching for my phone to slide into my pocket, I see the message icon pop up, revealing the name of the person who sent the message.
Scarlett: If your words are going to be stupid then don't bother coming. Otherwise, you can find me yourself since you know how to do that quite well.
Damn, those words did sting a little. But I'd let anything sting me just so I can see her. This was my opportunity to make it right and I will.
a/n:
Elijah my poor baby-
What did we think?