„Babe, I'm gonna be late again tonight!" Music and giggles come from the phone in the background as he speaks, sending an uneasy shudder through me.
„Oh, um, where are you?" My fingers absentmindedly start plucking at the small fuzzies on my soft socks.
„I told you- shhh!" he chuckles into the phone, completely disregarding how I'm perceiving things from my end. „I'm at a friend's house,"
„The same one as always?" I mutter.
„We talked about this, Noah..."
I hang up before I start screaming at him, deciding to calm my head before even thinking about speaking to my boyfriend right now.
I'm not even going to sugarcoat it for my own sake at this point; I'm fully aware of the high possibility that I'm currently being cheated on, but I have yet to confirm.
I don't want to deal with the whole drama of having to pull the truth out of him since I've been prioritizing my job applications at the moment. I also am still in the denial stage and refuse to believe that my partner of 5 years would ever even think of doing such a thing to me. We've been together since our last year of highschool, it really is a cliché love story that I won't even bother going into right now. I refuse to believe that the very person who has stuck by side all throughout college would do that to me.
It's been almost 2 hours since his call and I've been adamant on not even opening our chat out of pure determination. I sent out my applications and ate some dinner, leaving myself feeling rather accomplished by the time I finally plop into bed. I feel confident in most of my applications, especially the one that I sent to the same company I just completed my internship with.
After listening to the wind brushing past the curtains of our open window for an ample amount of time, I eventually let my eyes fall shut, barely registering the sound of the front door opening.
„We have to tell him..." That's the first sentence I stumbled upon when I hid behind the wall of our kitchen the next morning.
„I don't know if I'm ready," the familiar voice of my boyfriend, Tyler, makes blood rush to my cheeks out of annoyance. My heart that used to race whenever I simply saw him in the distance, now beating harshly at the sound of an unknown voice talking to Tyler.
„Tell me what?" My arms cross over one another as Tyler and his new ‚friend' sit by the kitchen counter, shock visibly noticeable in their wide eyes.
„Hi... Baby,"
I take another step forward, "tell. Me. What." I repeat.
"Why don't you take a seat?" He tries again, gesturing to his friend watching us carefully as he sips on some coffee in my mug. Yes, I'm possessive over the mug that literally has my name written around it. That was one of the first gifts I've received from the very man trying to get me to sit down at the kitchen island.
"Who is he?" My feet don't make a move towards them.
He clears his throat, seeming to finally understand that I don't want to sit with them at the moment. "This is Lucas, the friend I've been telling you about.
I take a moment to take in the friend who finally has a name, noting the hickey peeking out from his low v-neck. His blond hair ruffled carelessly around his head, somehow adding to his naturally cute features. His pouty lips look almost unnaturally red and even slightly swollen. I won't even try and deny his attractiveness, but I won't let that cloud my judgment. His hazel eyes seem to rack up and down my own body, but I shake it off, putting my focus back on my fidgeting boyfriend sitting across from Lucas.
"Nice to meet you," I mutter, shuffling past them to make some tea for myself as I do every morning.
"You too, Tyler has told me a lot about you," I nod in acknowledgement, not really knowing what to think of this whole interaction, yet. For now, I'll stick with the nonchalant attitude and see where that takes me.
"So, what did you wanna talk about?" I let my water boil in the kettle as I wait for their response, my back still turned to them.
"Oh- um..." Tyler starts.
"We wanted to ask you if you would be interested in something,"
I turn my head to Lucas for the first time since entering the kitchen, his eyes boring into mine as I watch his facial expressions carefully. "What?"
"We- we wanted to ask you, if you know what polyamory is?" Tyler ruffles the back of his head as he avoids my eyes, looking at literally everything but me.
"I know of it, I can't say I'm an expert on the topic though," I turn back around, finally getting an idea of where this is going. My expression is trying to remain neutral, but my heart is still thumping rapidly against my chest. My fingers tremble while I try to pour the now steaming liquid into one of my other mugs, without giving myself first degree burns.
"Well, would you be interested in being in one with us?"
Now, hold up- My movements pause as I stare at the red tinted beverage in front of me. I know he did not just ask me that. I don't even dare turn around, refusing to let any of my actual panic show off in my face as I speak slowly, "I don't even know him,"
"I- I know, it's just... we've gotten so close these past few weeks and I feel really bad about leaving you at home alone all the time and-"
"So you're asking me out of pity now?"
"No!"
"Sounds like you are,"
"T-that's not it, I just- I would really like to give this, all of us, a try," he utters out, putting emphasis on the word 'all', his voice barely raises above a whisper and I can picture his head hanging low behind me.
I take a hesitant sip of my calming beverage, forcing myself to stop shaking so I can finally turn around. To be honest, it's not even the polyamory thing that's making me so anxious, it's the way they're asking me. As if I was the third party here. Maybe I'm just being petty, but it really makes me feel kind of left out. Tyler and I have been together for 5 years and he suddenly keeps disappearing and sneaking away for a few weeks, suddenly bringing in this new person into our lives making me feel like the outsider of our relationship. The fact that I just met Lucas barely five minutes ago is the cherry on top.
"Okay, explain things to me first," I take a seat beside Tyler, noticing his tense shoulders loosen slightly as soon as I get comfortable. It does make me feel a tiny bit better knowing that he's suddenly feeling much more relaxed as soon as I sit next to him.
"Well, it's basically like any other relationship, just with 3 people in this case!" Lucas explains, oh so helpfully.
"We don't know much about the details ourselves, we thought we could explore it together."
That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen...
I glance at both of them back and forth, eventually sighing again and taking another slow sip of my tea, "okay."
I just finished up my final interview that I ended up getting after who knows how many applications and I'm very much so ready to cuddle with Tyler in bed for the rest of the weekend. It actually went really well and I can't wait to tell the other two all about it! This final interview was by far the least nerve racking one, since I did my internship with them. I'm trying to make sure I don't get my hopes up, but I'm feeling pretty confident.
It's been a week since my agreement to be a part of this three-way relationship and I still don't know how I feel about it. It's still rather tense whenever Lucas and I are in a room alone together, which is rare, since neither of us really know what to say to the other to break the ice. Tyler and I seem to have this awkward air between us whenever Lucas enters the room, or when I decide I want to sleep and they either want to stay up together, or end up going to the guest room while I twist and turn by myself in our bed because I'm clearly not ready to be intimate with Lucas. I'm just hoping this gets easier over time...
"Hey, what are you doing standing out here all by yourself?" Tyler standing at the door breaks me out of my thoughts and I just now notice I've been standing at the doorstep stuck in my own head.
"Oh, nothing, sorry-" I pause mid step noticing his rather fancy attire. "Going somewhere?"
His eyes look me over one more time before he responds, "Oh, um, Lucas wanted to bring me to this new restaurant in town,"
"Just you?" I ask, masking my frown with a neutral expression as I step past him to hang my coat on the rack, stepping out of my shoes as I hear his footsteps follow me inside.
"Uh, he said he wasn't sure you'd be home in time and he read somewhere that it's important for people in a poly relationship to also go on, like, individual dates together..."
"Right, just like how you guys have been spending time alone together weeks before we even agreed to this whole thing and last time I checked, you guys just went on one of those 'individual dates' a few days ago," I barely spare him a glance as he continues to follow me through the corridors until we reach our bedroom.
"Come on, Baby, don't be like this," he tries to snake his arms around my waist and I wiggle out of them to start changing my clothes.
"Don't be like what?" I shimmy out of my jeans, stepping past him to grab my sweatpants, "reasonable?"
He sighs and I hear him hesitate to leave the room behind me, "where have you been anyways?" He finally asks, making me turn around in utter disbelief with my t-shirt already halfway off my torso
"Are you seriously asking me that right now?" I throw my shirt on the bed, crossing my arms at him while I try to gather even a sliver of patience.
"What did I do now?!" He closes the door to our room again with irritation showing in his eyes, causing me to shake my head.
"The last interview I literally just told you both about this morning, which went really well, thanks for asking," I whisper out, frustrated beyond comprehension at this point.
The irritation leaves his face so fast, I almost thought I imagined it. "I-I'm so sorry, we didn't mean to forg-" he rushes over to me, taking large strides to reach for my face with his trembling hands.
"Save it, have fun on your date," I head to my desk, taking out my laptop to check my emails for any news from the other interviews I've been to this week.
"Baby, please, I-"
I spin my chair around, "you're sorry, I know, have fun," for the first time this week, I actually see genuine guilt shine through his eyes, making me tone my snarkiness down a notch.
"Come with us,"
I shake my head, "No thanks, I don't want to spoil Lucas' plans," I manage to show him a somewhat reassuring smile, "I'll be here when you get back," with that, I spin back around, turning my laptop on.
"We'll see you later..." he mumbles, placing a kiss on my head before he leaves right as the doorbell rings.
"See you later..." I whisper to myself.
"We're back!" Tyler's voice breaks through the barrier of the closed door. I dry my dark brown hair as much as I can with a towel, admiring the almost deep purple undertone my hair has, and leave the towel to hang around my shoulders as I step out of the warm bathroom. I take in my iridescent eyes in the mirror of our closet as I tug on a random t-shirt and a pair of sweats, finding myself comparing my facial features with Lucas'. I quickly stop myself, shaking my head in displeasure at my own thoughts, finally stepping out of the bedroom.
"Hey, welcome back," I smile at the two of them, noticing I may have ruined a sweet little moment between the two of them as they force themselves to break eye contact with each other by the entryway.
"Hey, Babe,"
"Hi, Noah!"
"How was your evening?" I make my way to the kitchen to make myself another tea.
"Really good, I didn't know Tyler could be such a sweet talker," he bumps shoulders with the man in question while they step past the threshold into the kitchen.
"Is he now?" I take in his reddened cheeks, something I haven't seen from him in a while.
"Definitely!"
There's that feeling again...
I feel like I'm intruding again in my own home. The way they're eyeing each other as if they couldn't get enough of each other. Tyler leaning against the wall, holding Lucas' gaze determinedly, a certain glint in his eyes that I haven't received from him in months. The subtle touches and sly glances in each other's directions, but never being shown my way, makes my irrelevant presence suddenly feel like an unwanted space in their own little bubble. I clear my throat, walking past them, making my way to my room again after a curt 'goodnight' leaves my lips.
That was it. The point I couldn't hold in the tears anymore. As soon as I heard the guest room across from my own room shut and lock, I couldn't take it anymore. I grab my headphones, quietly stepping out of my room, deciding to take a book with me that I happen to find on the kitchen table as I rush out of the house in a haste.
That was how the rest of my evening went. Sitting in a secluded area in a local park, eventually falling asleep on a random field with my book as a pillow, only returning home the next morning with a sore back and neck. The other two were nowhere to be seen, probably sleeping soundly in each other's arms in the room right across from my own. Forgotten and lost on what to do.
Is this what a relationship should feel like?
I hope not.