News of Sophie's failed love spell swept across both schools, and by midmorning everyone waited with bated breath to get a glimpse of her scarlet F. But when Sophie skipped all her morning classes, it was clear she was too ashamed to show her face.
At lunch, Agatha and I sat in a heap of autumn leaves.
"I hope she's alright," I said.
"Me too," Agatha said. "All of this would have been much easier if she had just listened to us."
"Yeah, but this is Sophie we're talking about." I fell back into the leaves, arms behind my head. "The only time she's ever listened to anyone is when she reads How-To beauty books."
"Y/n."
"What? It's true."
"No—look."
I propped myself up on my elbows and gaped.
Sophie sashayed into the Clearing, dumpy black sack refashioned into a strapless bodice dress, F shimmering over her chest with devil-red sequins. She'd cut her blond hair even shorter and slicked it down in a shiny bob. Her face was painted geisha white, her eyelids pink, her lips vermilion, and her glass shoes had not only been repaired but heeled even taller, which together with the extremely short dress, showed off long, creamy legs. From the shadows she swanned into sun, and light exploded off her glitter-dusted skin, bathing her in heavenly glow. Sophie strutted past Hester, who dropped her book, past Everboys, who dropped their ball, and glided right up to Hort.
"Let's do lunch," she said, sweeping him away like a hostage.
Across the field, Tedros' sword fell out of its sheath.
He saw Beatrix glaring and put it back.
During Surviving Fairy Tales, Sophie ignored Yuba's lecture on "Leaving Useful Trails" and spent the entire class cozying up to Hort and filling her Never pail with roots and herbs from the Blue Forest.
"What are you doing!" hissed Agatha.
"Can you believe it, Aggie darling? They have beetroot, willow bark, lemonwood and everything else I need to make my old potions and creams! Soon I'll be back to my real self!"
"This wasn't the 'real Sophie' I had in mind."
"Excuse me? I'm just following your rules. Flaunt my assets, which are many, as you can see. Speak through actions—have I said a word to Tedros? No. Haven't. And lest we forget, parade competing suitors. Do you know what it takes to survive lunch with Hort? To nuzzle that rodent every time I see Tedros looking? Eucalyptus, Agatha. I numb my nose with eucalyptus. But in the end, you were right."
"Listen, you misun— I was?"
"You reminded me what's important." Sophie nodded to Tedros and Everboys ogling her across the thicket. "It doesn't matter if you're a Never, Ever, or whatever. In the end, the fairest of them all wins."
She glossed her lips and gave them a smack. "You'll see. He'll ask me to the Ball before the week's up and you'll get your precious kiss. So no more negativity, darling, it gives me a headache. Now, where's that worthless Hort? I told him to stay by me at all times!"
She swept away, leaving Agatha and I speechless.
In the School for Evil, Nevers sulked through supper, knowing they had a full night of studying ahead. With spell casting set to begin, the teachers' tests were based less on talent now and more in tedious recall. For the next day alone, they had to memorize eighty murder schemes for Lady Lesso's first challenge, Giant commands for Henchmen, and the Flowerground Map for Sader's geography exam.
"How will he correct them?" Hester groused. "He can't even see!"
At curfew, Hester, Dot, Anadil, and I trudged back from the common room, piled high with books, only to find the room turned into a laboratory. Dozens of brilliant-colored potions bubbled over open flames, vials of creams, soaps, and dyes littered the shelves, a mess of dried leaves, herbs, flowers blanketed the three beds . . . and in the center of it all sat Sophie, buried under sequins, ribbons, and fabric, testing new concoctions on patches of skin.
"My God, she is a witch," Anadil gasped.
Sophie held up The Recipe Book for Good Looks. "I stole it from an Ever at lunch."
"Shouldn't you be studying for challenges?" Dot asked.
"Beauty is a full-time job," sighed Sophie, lathering herself in a bright green balm.
"And you wonder why Evers are slow," Hester said.
"Sophie is back, darlings. And she's just getting started," Sophie mooned. "Love is my challenge now."
And indeed, though Sophie placed near the bottom in all three challenges the next day, she placed first in Attention, arriving to lunch with her black uniform remolded into a dazzling slit-back toga dress, sashed with blue orchids. Her heels were a full inch taller, her face shimmering bronze, her eye shadow provocative periwinkle, her lips delicious crimson, and the glittering F on the front of her dress was now complemented by sequins on the back that read: ". . . is for Fabulous."
"That can't be allowed," Beatrix whined to drooling boys.
But she was wearing her uniform, Sophie insisted to teachers, while usually fierce wolves looked just as awed as the boys. Dot swore one even winked at Sophie when it filled her lunch pail.
"She's making a mockery of villainy!" Hester fumed, black eyes flaying Sophie across the Clearing. "They should lock her in the Doom Room permanently."
"Beast's still missing," Anadil yawned. "Whatever spooked him must have been pretty bad."
A tiny flame of pride sparked in my chest, before horror replaced it.
No. I was not proud of the fact I killed a man. . .beast. I was not.
And yet, the feeling of the knife against his throat, of knowing that whether he lived or died rested in my hands. . .it sent a rush of power through me. One that was terrifying.
The next day, Sophie flunked all her challenges again and yet somehow avoided failing out of school. Though she was clearly the worst, each time she saw a "19" pop up instead of a "20." ("I'm just too lovable to fail," she preened to mystified classmates.)
During Forest Groups, Sophie ignored Yuba's lecture on "Scarecrow Survival" and scribbled busily in her notebook, while Agatha glowered at her black baby doll dress, pink lollipop, and sequins spelling "F . . . is for Fun."
"Name something else that starts with F," Sophie whispered to me.
"I'm trying to listen and so should you, since we'll be here forever."
"F is for 'Forever.' Mmm, a bit heady. How about 'Flirty'? Or 'Fetching'?"
"Or 'Futile'! He hasn't even talked to you yet!"
"F is for 'Faith,'" Sophie said. "Which I thought you had in me."
Agatha and I scowled the rest of class.
But Sophie almost made me a believer when she arrived the next day in a belly-baring black halter, poofed miniskirt, spiky pixie hairdo, and heels dyed hot pink. The Everboys spent lunch goggling at her between slobbery bites of beef. And yet, even though Sophie could see Tedros sneak peeks at her legs, grit his teeth each time she passed, and sweat when she got too close . . . he still didn't talk to her.
"It's not enough," Agatha said, accosting her after Yuba's class. "You need better assets."
Sophie looked down at herself. "I think my assets are quite sufficient."
"Deeper assets, you idiot! Something inside! Like compassion or charity or kindness!"
Sophie blinked. "Sometimes you make wonderful sense, Aggie. He needs to see how Good I truly am."
"She sees reason," Agatha exhaled. "Now hurry. If he asks someone else to the Ball, we'll never get home!"
Agatha proposed that Sophie sneak Tedros love limericks filled with clever rhymes or leave him secret presents that revealed depth and thought, tried-andtrue strategies both outlined in Winning Your Prince. Sophie listened, nodding to all of this, so when Agatha and I arrived at lunch the next day, we expected to read a first draft of a verse or inspect a handmade gift. Instead, we arrived to find a group of 20 Nevergirls crowded in a corner of the Clearing.
"What's going on over there?" Agatha asked Hester and Anadil, both studying in tree shade.
"She said it was your idea," Hester sneered, eyes on her book.
"Bad idea," Anadil said. "So bad we don't want to talk to you."
Confused, Agatha and I turned to the gathering. A familiar voice rang from its center—
"Fabulous, darlings! But just a little less cream!"
We forced our way through the swarm of Nevers until we stumbled into the center and almost died from shock.
Sophie sat on a tree stump, a painted wooden sign hanging from a branch above her:
LUNCHTIME WITH SOPHIE
"Where Beauty Meets Charity"
TODAY'S TOPIC:
Beetroot for Blemish Banishment
All around Sophie, Nevergirls were squeezing sticky red beetroot cream onto their pimples and warts.
"Now remember, girls. Just because you're ugly doesn't mean you can't be presentable," Sophie preached.
"I'm bringing my roommates tomorrow," Arachne whispered to greenskinned Mona.
I gaped, flabbergasted. Then I saw someone sneaking away. "Dot?"
Dot turned meekly, smothered in red cream. "Oh! Hello! I was just, you know, I thought I should check up on—you know, to see if, in case—" She looked at her feet. "Don't tell Hester."
I had no idea what any of this had to do with winning Tedros' love. But when Agatha and I tried to corner Sophie after, three Nevergirls shoved in front of us to ask Sophie about picking the best beets.
Agatha turned to me. "You know, if this doesn't work, you realize you'll have to step in."
I shook my head. "I can't, Agatha. Sophie is making. . .little progress. But still progress!"
Agatha looked at me. "Don't you want to get home?"
"Of course I do," I replied. "But Tedros is much more likely to pick her when she looks like that," I said, nodding to her skin-tight dress.
In Forest Groups, Yuba separated the Evers and Nevers.
"You must get used to seeing each other as the enemy! The first Trial by Tale is in three weeks!" the gnome said. "Now for the Trial, you'll need a few basic spells. There is no one way to do magic, of course. Some spells require visualization, some incantations, others hand flicks, foot taps, magic wands, numeric codes, or even partners! Yet there is one rule common to all spells."
From his pocket, he pulled a shiny silver key, the bit shaped like a swan.
"Evers, right hands, please."
Baffled Evers looked at each other, and held out their hands.
"Mmm. You first."
Agatha frowned as he grabbed her hand, then her second finger. "Wait—what are you going to—"
Yuba magically plunged his swan key into Agatha's fingertip—the skin went see-through and the swan sank past tissue, veins, blood, and attached to her bone. The gnome turned the bow and her bone painlessly rotated a full circle. Her fingertip glowed bright orange for just a moment, then dulled as Yuba withdrew the key. Bewildered, Agatha stared at her finger as Yuba unlocked the rest of the Evers, then the Nevers, including Sophie, who barely glanced up from scribbling in her notebook.
"Magic follows feeling. That is our only rule," said the gnome when he was finished. "When your finger glows, it means you have summoned enough emotion, enough purpose to perform a spell. You can only do magic when you have deep need and want!"
Students squinted at their fingers, feeling, coaxing with all their might, and soon fingertips started to flicker, each person's a unique color. Mine glowed a vibrant green, like Jett's eyes.
"But like a magic wand, fingerglow is just a training wheel!" Yuba warned. "In the Woods, you will look like a nincompoop if you light up every time you cast a spell. We will relock your glow once you show control."
He grimaced at Hort, uselessly thrusting his finger at rocks, trying to make something happen. "If ever."
The gnome turned back to the group. "In the first year, you'll learn only three types of spells: Water Control, Weather Manipulation, and Mogrification, both plant and animal. Today we'll begin with the last," he said to excited twitters.
"A simple visualization spell but highly effective for escaping enemies. Now, since your clothes won't fit after you Mogrify, it's easier if you're not wearing any."
The students stopped tittering.
"But I suppose we'll do," Yuba said. "Who wants to go first?"
***
By the third day on her stump, Sophie had 30 freshly bathed Nevergirls attend "Just Say No to Drab."
"Now Professor Manley says a Never must be ugly. That ugly means uniqueness, power, freedom! So here's my question to Professor Manley. How do you expect us to feel unique, empowered, or free . . . in this?" she roared, waving the dumpy black robes like an enemy flag.
The cheer was so loud that across the Clearing, Beatrix's pen slipped and ruined her ball gown sketch. "It's that mentally ill Sophie," Beatrix snapped.
"Still looking for a Ball date, is she," murmured Tedros, aiming his next horseshoe throw.
"Worse. Now she's trying to convince the Nevers they're not losers."
Tedros missed his shot in surprise.
Agatha and I didn't even try to see Sophie after lunch, with Nevergirls mobbing her for style advice. We didn't try the next day, either, when an impromptu shoe burning erupted after Sophie's lecture on "Abandon All Ye Clumps!" and wolves ran around whipping students back to the tower. And we certainly didn't try the next, when every Nevergirl showed up for Sophie's talk on "Fitness for the Unfit" except Hester and Anadil, who cornered the two of us after lunch.
"This idea keeps getting more rotten," Anadil said. "So rotten we're not your friends anymore."
"Boys, balls, kisses—all your problem now," Hester snarled, demon twitching on her neck. "As long as it doesn't mess with me winning Captain, I could give a hog's behind what you two do. Got it?"
"You forget I'm your roommate!" I shouted as they walked away, but they acted as if they hadn't heard.
The next day, Agatha and I hid in the Tunnel of Trees, waited for the sound of high heels on dead leaves, and tackled Sophie in a flying leap.
"What is it today? Cuticle creams! Teeth whiteners! More abdominal exercises!" Agatha shouted.
"If you want to talk to me, you can wait in line with everyone else!" Sophie yelled.
"'Malevolent Makeovers,' 'Black Is the New Black,' 'Yoga for Villains'! Do you want to die here?" I exclaimed.
"You said show him something deeper. Isn't this compassion? Isn't this kindness and wisdom? I'm helping those who can't help themselves!"
"Excuse me, Saint Teresa, but the goal here is Tedros! How is this accomplishing anything!"
"Accomplishment. Such a vague word. But I'd consider that an accomplishment, wouldn't you?"
I followed Sophie's look out the tunnel. The crowd in front of her stump was a hundred Nevers deep. Only there was one hovering in back who didn't look like the rest.
A golden-haired boy in a blue rugby sweater.
Agatha released Sophie in shock.
"You should come," Sophie called as she flounced out of the tunnel. "Today's about dry, damaged hair."
In front of the stump, Arachne's one eye glowered at Tedros. "Why is Prince Prettyface here?"
"Yeah, back to your side, Everboy," Mona sniped, pelting him with tree mold.
More Nevergirls started to heckle him and Tedros shrank back anxiously. He wasn't used to being unpopular. But just as he was booed away—
"We welcome everyone," Sophie admonished as she swept to her stump.
"Like I said," I told Agatha. "Progress."
Tedros came back every day that week. He told his mates he just wanted to see what Sophie was wearing, but there was more to it. With each new day, he watched her teach misshapen villains how to straighten their hunches, hold eye contact, and enunciate their words. He watched Neverboys skeptically skulk on the fringes at first, only to soon badger Sophie for advice on sleeping better, masking body odor, and managing their tempers. At first the wolves yawned through these assemblies, but Tedros could see them listening as more and more Nevers showed up for Sophie's lectures. Soon the villains began to debate her prescriptions at supper and over dreggy tea in common rooms. They started to sit together at lunch, defend each other in class, and stopped making jokes about their losing streak. For the first time in two hundred years, Evil had hope. All because of one girl.
By the end of the week, Tedros had a seat in the front row.
"It's working! I can't believe it!" Agatha gushed as she walked Sophie and I to the Tunnel of Trees. "He might say he loves you! He might kiss you this week! We're going home! What's tomorrow's topic?"
"'Eating Your Words,'" Sophie said, swishing ahead.
However, the next day, attention was called to Sophie's rank. On the Nevers board, Sophie's name hung off the bottom, pecked to holes by robins. Number 120 out of 120.
Tedros didn't go to see Sophie that day. Word spread that he found it sad to watch Nevers pin their hopes on the "worst girl in school."
The next day, Sophie showed up to a deserted stump. The wooden sign had been defaced so that "Charity" was crossed out and replaced with "Stupidity."
"I told you to pay attention!" Agatha shouted as we waited in pouring rain after Yuba's class for wolves to open the gates.
"Between sewing new outfits, brewing new makeup, preparing new lectures, I can't worry about class!" Sophie sobbed under a black parasol. "I have my fans to think about!"
"Of which you now have none!" I yelled. I could see Hester smirking at us from the Group 6 huddle. "Three bottom ranks and you fail, Soph! I don't know how you've survived this long!"
My fingertip burned green. Ever since Yuba unlocked it, it glowed whenever I was angry. Not that I minded. It was better than having flaming eyes that drew too much attention.
"I mean," Sophie said, "do I look like I care how to poison a comb, how to pluck toad eyes, or how to say 'May I cross your bridge' in Troll? Here I am trying to improve these villains and you want me to memorize the recipe for Children Noodle Soup? Agatha, did you know that to boil a child you have to wrap them in parchment first? Otherwise they won't be properly cooked and might wake up in your pot. Is that what you want me to learn? How to hurt and kill? How to be a witch?"
"Listen, you need to win back respect—"
"Through intentional Evil? No. Shan't."
"Then we're doomed," Agatha snapped. Sophie exhaled angrily and turned away.
Suddenly her expression changed. "What in the—"
She gawked at the Evers ranking board, tacked to the gates.
TEDROS OF CAMELOT: 71 POINTS
BEATRIX OF JAUNT JOLIE: 84 POINTS
REENA OF PASHA DUNES: 88 POINTS
AGATHA OF WOODS BEYOND: 96 POINTS
"But—but—you're . . . you!" Sophie cried.
"And I do my homework!" Agatha barked. "I don't want to learn dove calls or practice fainting or sew handkerchiefs, but I'll do whatever it takes to get us home!"
But Sophie wasn't listening. A naughty grin spread across her face.
Agatha crossed her arms. "No way. First of all, teachers will catch us."
"You'll love my Curses homework, it's all about tricking princes—and you hate boys!"
"Second, your roommates will tell on you—"
"I won't," I said.
"And you'll love my Uglification homework! We're learning to scare children—and you hate children!"
"If Tedros finds out, we're dead—"
"You're born to be a vill—"
Agatha stomped. "WE'RE NOT CHEATING!"
Sophie fell silent.
Wolves unlocked the Blue Forest gates and students surged into the tunnels.
None of us moved.
"I don't know how to be Evil," Sophie said. "Not even 1%. So please don't ask me to go against my own soul, Agatha. I can't." Her voice caught. "I just can't."
She left Agatha and I under the umbrella.
"The homework isn't that bad, Agatha," I said. "You might even like it."
"That's what I'm worried about," she said, and began walking toward Good.
***
I woke to Jett snarling at something across the room.
"Jett?" I said groggily. "What is it?"
He growled, eyes trained on the doorway.
I lifted my head just enough to see Sophie slip out of it.
Six days later, Sophie's rank had risen to #55. And each new day, she looked more like a zombie, skin sickly white, eyes glassy and bruised. Instead of a fancy new frock or hat, now she loped around with dirty hair and a wrinkled dress, trailing study notes all over the tower like bread crumbs.
"What is happening to her?" I asked Agatha during Yuba's lesson on "Insect Cuisine."
Agatha recounted how she'd been sneaking into Evil by mogrifying as a cockroach and tutoring Sophie in the common room. "If she fails, she gets kicked out. And then we never go home."
I stared at the blonde. "She looks like a ghost."
"Insects are often available when meerworms are not," Yuba said, holding up a live cockroach. "First remove the inedible bits," Yuba said, and tore off the roach's head.
By the tenth day of Cockroach College, Sophie was only at #40 and the circles under her eyes were so black she looked like a raccoon. By the next, she'd slipped back to #65 when she napped during Lesso's test on Nemesis Dreams, fell asleep during Henchmen, knocking Beezle off the Belfry, and lost her voice in Special Talents for another low rank.
By the end of the week, Sophie was the worst Never in school again.
Agatha had told me what had happened between Sophie and Tedros earlier that week: how Tedros said that if she reached rank #1, she could ask him for anything. It was a joke, of course, but we had a chance if we made it happen.
"But it won't happen!" I told Agatha. "Sophie is just too tired! Nothing is working!"
"You better hope something does," Agatha said. "Because if Sophie can't get Tedros to kiss her, you better practice your puckering!"
***
Agatha the Roach now accompanied Sophie to all her classes. Tucked behind Sophie's ear, she whispered the first sign of a Nemesis Dream (answer: tasting blood), steered Frost Giant negotiations during Henchmen, and told Sophie which scarecrows were Good or Evil in Yuba's Forest challenge. On the second day, she helped Sophie lose a tooth in Uglification, match monsters during Sader's exam (Lalkies: sweet-talkers; Harpies: child eaters), and determine which of Yuba's beanstalks was poisonous, which was edible, and which was Dot in disguise. There were hairy moments, of course. She almost ended up on the bottom of Hester's clump, barely survived a hovering bat, and nearly turned back into herself in Special Talents before finding a broom closet just in time.
Agatha wasn't the only one doing her work. I spent all my free time learning spells. While my classmates struggled to make fingers flicker, I could keep mine glowing without breaking a sweat. Then it was a matter of following a spell's precise recipe, and just like that, I could do magic. Simple stuff, nothing more than playing with water and weather, but still.
I would have been paralyzed by the incredibility, the impossibility, except that it came so naturally. Where the others couldn't summon a drizzle, I conjured thunderclouds with lightning and rain. Between sessions, I stole into bathrooms to try out new Spells for Suffering—the Lights-Out Jinx to briefly darken the sky, the Sea Swell Curse to summon a giant wave. . . Time evaporated when I studied Evil, so rife with power and possibility, I could never get bored.
By the end of the week, Agatha had led Sophie on a magnificent winning streak in all her classes, including Yuba's Trial Tune-Ups. In these one-on-one duels to prepare for the upcoming Trial by Tale, Sophie beat every person in her group using approved spells, whether stunning Ravan with a lightning bolt, icing Beatrix's lips before she could call for animal help, or liquefying Tedros' training sword. I'll admit, I was annoyed that I had to lose to her on purpose in everything, but it was worth it if we wanted to get home.
By the end of the third week, Sophie was up to #5 and her Lunchtime Lectures had resumed due to popular demand. So had her black-robed fashions, bolder and more extravagant than before, in a grand pageant of scalloped plumage, fishnet bodices, faux monkey fur, sequined burkas, leather pantsuits, powdered wigs, and even a chain-mail bustier.
"She's cheating," Beatrix hissed to anyone who would listen. "Some rogue fairy godmother or time-turning spell. No one has time to do all this!"
But Sophie had time to design a satin jumper with matching nun's wimple, a sparkled clamshell dress, and matching shoes for every new look. She had time to beat Hester in the "Uglify a Ballroom" challenge, write a report on "Wolves vs. Man-Wolves," and prepare Lunchtime Lectures on "Wicked Success," "Ugly Is the New Beautiful," "Building Your Body for Sin."
During Surviving Fairy Tales that day, Yuba hosted another "Good or Evil" challenge. This time the gnome turned all the girls into blue pumpkins and hid them in the forest's voluminous patch.
"This one's Good!" Hort yelled, and flicked a blue shell. Nothing happened. The other boys couldn't tell the difference between pumpkins either and started debating the merits of each.
"This is not a group assignment!" Yuba bellowed.
Clinging to my blue vine, Agatha the Roach watched as the boys split up.
"Why aren't you with Sophie?" I asked.
"She's giving me a headache," Agatha replied. "All she ever talks about is her lectures."
Tedros headed west towards the Turquoise Thicket and stopped. Slowly he turned to my pumpkin and began walking toward it.
"Agatha, he's coming! Get off me! Go to Sophie!"
"Shit, shit, shit," Agatha muttered, skittering away.
But it was too late. Tedros already had his sights set on me. When he clasped the pumpkin's blue skin, I shot up to my original state. A "16" puffed in slimy green smoke over the prince's head and a "1" in black over mine.
"Only the best Evil can disguise as Good," Yuba commended.
"Tough luck," I said to the prince through gritted teeth, frustrated that he could sense Agatha on me when he should have sensed her on Sophie.
"And as for you, son of Arthur, I suggest you study your rules. Let's hope you don't make such a terrible mistake when it counts."
Tedros looked ashamed.
"We can't find any!" a voice called.
Yuba turned to see all the boys with low ranks smoking over their heads.
"Should have marked them," he sighed and waddled into the patch, jabbing pumpkins to see if they yelped.
But earning first didn't matter, thank God, because at the end of the day, it was Sophie's name in first place on the scoreboard.
The next day, there was a note in her pail that read, "Wolves don't like foxes. Blue Brook at midnight. T."
"What does it mean?" Sophie asked.
"It means we go home tonight!" I said.