Preview of the previous chapter
Jeff: Are you sure you want to be with me?! Are you sure you want to be by my side?! I have nothing to give you... I can't love again much less feel what you feel for me... I can feel physical attraction for you but that's all, even though you know that, you still want to stay by my side?
Continuation
Barcode seeing that Jeff wants what he is providing for him, giving a slight smile, still touching Jeff's face.
Barcode: I...
Elevator starts to go up, suddenly the door stops and opens.
Jeff and Barcode look sideways at the door, look at the two surprised people in front of the elevator door.
Pond: N'Barcode! Khun Jeff! what are you two doing kneeling on the floor?
Barcode quickly removes his hand from Jeff's face, Jeff looks at Barcode for a few seconds then looks back to the side.
Talay see the tears dry on Jeff.
Barcode: The elevator suddenly stopped and P'...
Talay stops Barcode quickly.
Talay: This elevator suddenly stops but then continues to go up?!... This elevator must have a ghost... Hahahaha
Barcode seeing that Talay doesn't want anyone to know about Jeff's phobia, Jeff gets up from the ground, Barcode seeing Jeff get up did the same, Jeff back to being the same as always, stopping shaking.
Jeff: This is the first time coming here to your house, P'Pond... But this doesn't seem to be your house or is it?!..
Pond giving a slight smile, getting embarrassed.
Pond: This is not my house! My friend wanted to organize a party for me... I'm glad we found you two, we were going outside the building to wait for you... !
Jeff starts to walk and get out of the elevator, Barcode gets out of the elevator and stands behind the elevator when he sees the three of them going to the party, remembering what happened in the elevator, getting a little scared, embarrassed showing a little regret and getting more shy when remembering the words he said to Jeff, ashamed to have declared himself to a man for the first time but happy to be Jeff.
Barcode thinking: what have I done?! I told him I love him! I ended up saying all those words.... he must see me as crazy.... I just walked into something very dangerous.... You are an idiot Barcodeeeeeee...
Barcode stops thinking and goes after the three arriving at the party at Pond's friend's house, Jeff turns his face to the side as soon as he stops, sees that Barcode is not next to the three, turns his body back in an attempt to look for he. In slow motion he sees Barcode approaching him with a slight smile but stops looking wen he sees a man bumping into Barcode, Jeff not far away worried, walks quickly towards Barcode and this man talking at the same time.
Jeff: N'Barcode?!
Man worried if he hurt Barcode tries to touch Barcode's arm.
: You weren't hurt?! I'm sorry, I didn't see you... Does it hurt?!...
Barcode grabbing his arm, it was hurting a little but it wasn't serious, Barcode disguising a smile to hide the pain, putting a hand forward and moving his hand.
Barcode: Oh no--No It doesn't hurt... Don't worry ...
The man still worried about him, tries to touch Barcode's arm.
: I think it's hurting ... I better examine you.... I really ....
The man was prevented from touching Barcode.
Jeff grabs his wrist, the man glares at Jeff, Barcode sees Jeff grabbing the man's wrist and looking angry at the man, Barcode tries to speak.
Barcode:Pp'jeff!...
Jeff: what did you do with him?
The man surprised by Jeff's behavior, Barcode scared to see Jeff's look touches the forearm of the hand that is gripping the man's wrist.
Barcode:Pp'jeff, calm down... I'm fine!
Jeff looks sideways at Barcode and then back at the man, still angry. Pond approaches the three along with Talay with a smile.
Pond: Vincent Xu did you make it to my party?! I thought you wouldn't make it... Your works as a dancer, actor and model don't even let you breathe... I'm surprised to see you!.
Vincent smiles when he sees Pond approaching and giving him a hug, in the hug.
Vincent: I didn't know if I could make it either... (The two stop hugging) .... I had an acting scene scheduled for today, but it got cancelled, so I took the opportunity to come to your party...
Pond happy to see him.
Pond: I'm so happy to see you...!
Pond realizing that also there are three people beside the two, the three surprised to see this friendship of the two.
Pond: Oh! I forgot to introduce my friend.. This here is Vincent Xu, he is 28 years old and he is a professional dancer, model and actor.... ( Pond looks at Vincent)... Vincent these are N'Barcode, Khun Talay and Khun Jeff... Khun Jeff is the owner of the studio "Studio On Saturn" is a singer and also an actor...
Vincent surprised to meet someone like Jeff with so many qualities, smiling.
Vincent: Oh! Nice to meet you...( Vincent shakes his hand )... I'm Vincent Xu...
Jeff looks down at Vincent's hands, feeling slightly uneasy but dismissing it for the moment, apologizing.
Jeff: Nice to meet you, I'm Jeff Satur...(Jeff also gives his hand).... I'm sorry for my inappropriate behavior that I just did... I thought that...
Vincent interrupts him smiling.
Vincent: Alright! You don't need to apologize... (Vincent looks at Barcode)... You're N'Barcode right?!...
Barcode surprised that Vincent spoke to him, shy and embarrassed to look at such a handsome man, so mature and so educated.
Barcode: Oh yeah! I... I'm Barcode... Barcode Tinnasit Nice to meet you...!
Vincent smiling at him, Jeff not liking what he's seeing, looks away. Talay seeing Jeff's look smiled and was happy to see that Jeff is changing his facial expressions a little.
Talay: P'Pond...(Pond looks at Talay).... This is the man P' said will make the MV with N'Barcode right?!..
Barcode and Jeff immediately look at Pond and Talay, Barcode surprised.
Barcode: MV?! I'm going to record an MV?!..
Pond: Yes, this is the man I mentioned the day we were recording your song N'Barcode... I didn't say his name because I waited for the right moment to properly introduce him to you ...( Pond looks at Jeff )... Khun Jeff you will be the director of this MV since you were the producer of N'Barcode's song, you promised me the day I presented N'Barcode... You accept to be the director, right?!..
Jeff not liking the idea having a kind of strange feeling when he looks at Vincent, being polite and giving a slight smile.
Jeff: I don't remember promising!....but of course I will, I don't see why not...
Vincent happy to hear that from Jeff, gently grabs Barcode's hand in front of the three standing around them, kisses over Barcode's hand gently speaking at the same time.
Vincent: So it's such a pleasure to be in your MV, N'Barcode....(Vincent breaks the kiss and stares into Barcode's surprised eyes)... I promise to do my best to make your MV enjoyable for everyone....
Barcode is extremely surprised by this kiss on his hand, without reaction he looks a little at Jeff from the side, Jeff widens his eyes a little when he sees this but ignores it looking from the side, Barcode got sad to see that Jeff didn't feel anything when he saw another man kissing him.
Jeff looking sideways trying to contain his anger for seeing what he saw, but also uncomfortable and confused for feeling what he knows very well what he is feeling.
Jeff thinking: Damn why do I have to be jealous of this?! It's just a kiss on the hand but I'm almost ready to kill someone... I don't want this I don't want to feel this... What is he doing to me? But even so I allow it, what is happening to me?
Jeff stops thinking when he sees and hears what he doesn't like.
Barcode is a little sad inside but still smiling shyly at Vincent.
Barcode: Hmm! Let's do our best together.... Thank you for participating in this production.... it means a lot to me...
It's been an hour..
Music noise..
People dancing in the middle of the room....
Barcode is looking for Jeff, he looked around, saw a small porch where no one was inside, walked to the porch, opened the porch door entered the porch the door closed behind him sealing the noise of the music.
Wind sound echoing with calm and silent environment.
Barcode looks ahead and sees Jeff.
Jeff has his forearms resting on top of the small wall of the porch looking intently at the buildings, getting lost in thought, with a look as always sad and full of pain.
Barcode approaches, places both forearms on top of the small wall, looks at the buildings and says nothing, remains silent.
Jeff without looking at Barcode, knowing that he was the one who approached beside him.
Jeff: Everyone wants the same thing, to love and be loved... but I can't love and I don't want to be loved... I'm broken... I feel pain every day... I've lost all words it seems that my heart is tied, I wait until it hurts, I can never choose... it's what I deserve, to spend the last of my love on someone I lost because of me ...The chance of us two working out is slim... (Jeff looks sideways, at Barcode) .... I don't want you to bet on someone like me...
Barcode turns his face to the side as he hears these last words from Jeff, giving a slight smile, despite knowing he will suffer, seeing pain in the eyes of the man in front of him but also seeing something beyond this pain, seeing through Jeff's eyes that he can go back to being what he was.
Barcode: I can't look at you or see beyond the paint on your face, cause there's too much memory getting the best of you.... What you were in the past, it's not too late to build it back and eliminate the that destroyed you .... there's a chance in a million that you'll feel love again... And I'd rather bet on this chance.
Jeff looking intently at the beautiful face and words full of comfort, wanting to accept what Barcode wants to give him, wanting to feel what he stopped feeling years ago, Jeff looks back to the front, at the buildings, wind blowing along with long hair, giving a rather sad look.
Jeff thinking: I really want what you have to give me... But...
This day ended and with it a week passed.
It's midnight, Jeff is asleep, tossing and turning, squinting tightly.
He is having a restless dream.
Dreaming.
: You left me... You left me
Jeff sad, crying in regret, shaking his head in denial.
Jeff: No, no... I didn't let you Gameplay... Please...
Gameplay: you let me die... I won't forgive you... Now you're wanting him... You're trying to forget me... Forget our love...
Jeff crying, kneeling on the ground, lifts his head and looks at Gameplay.
Jeff: I didn't... I didn't forget our love... Please forgive me... I didn't want you to die...
Gameplay: you are leaving our love... You're liking him, you're forgetting me...
Jeff out of the dream, turning his head from side to side on the bed (no, not me... Please don't )
Gameplay: Have you forgotten that tomorrow will be that day?... Because of him you won't go see me, will you?... I hate you...
Jeff: no please don't hate me... I love you...
The image of Gameplay crying is slowly disappearing, Jeff widens his eyes, stretches a hand forward, desperate on seeing Gameplay slowly disappearing.
Jeff: No... Don't go away... Don't leave me... Don't leave me... No, no, no...
Coming back out of the dream.
Jeff: NO---Nooooooooooo... (Breathing heavily).... Aaaahah... Gameplay....
Quickly Jeff wakes up with one hand raised upwards towards the ceiling, breathing so fast and breathlessly.
Jeff realizing it was a dream, slowly gets up and sits in the middle of the bed, puts a hand on his face, rubbing his hand on his face, letting tears fall, realizing that he cried during the dream, wanting to seek help from someone but getting lost in the darkness that is inside him and that accompanies him without letting him breathe, Jeff looking ahead feeling dead inside after having this dream.
Jeff: I'm always here in this bedroom, lying in silence every day, without stopping, as if time stopped along with that day ..... I'm just waiting, waiting for a sign... any signs that I'm still alive... I don't want to lose myself, but I can't get past this.... should I take refuge in him? In myself? .... In something that can fix what was broken, erase those words already spoken, find hope in the lack of hope ... (Jeff thinking about Barcode)... Get me out of this disaster... Get rid of these ashes ... Will you be able to get me to trigger these reactions? Save my soul...I've been waiting a lifetime for someone to save me, pleading for help to save my soul every night.... (Thinking desperately about the past, Gameplay, crying and blaming himself).. .. I'm not ready for love, not yet.... Not underneath our bad past ... I still love you... You know I'm burning... I've been calling for you every night... I'm I've been drowning for a long time...you're the one I'm forever indebted to...I've never been the same since the day I lost you... Please forgive me...
That night ends and the day has dawned.
Hours passed, Barcode went to the studio, found Talay but not Jeff, asking for him as soon as he enters and approaches Talay who is sitting producing a song.
Barcode: P'Talay...(Talay looks at him)... Where's P'Jeff?!... I don't see him!...
Talay giving a not-too-happy look, today is a bit of a bittersweet day, he knowing Barcode can do something about this day.
Talay: Khun Jeff is where he always is when this date arrives...
Barcode without knowing what Talay is talking about.
Barcode: This date?! what has this date?!...
Many hours passed.
Heavy rain starts to fall, strong sounds of lightning and thunder.
A man in black clothes, long hair and with a black umbrella is standing in front of a tombstone, with a vacant, sad look, looking at the tombstone remembering the day and the time he heard the sound of someone screaming and sounds of cars crashing into each other.
Someone comes up behind him.
: P'Jeff!!
Jeff: Changing flights and changing my mind everyday I struggle with the pain but to be honest things haven't been the same since you've been gone.... all the stars couldn't get me where you are.. .. I really wanted to forget what I did, forget what I heard, I wish I could have a pill to be able to forget.... But if there is a pill to help me forget, God knows I still haven't found it.... God I'm trying, trying not to stop loving you is all I can do.... why is it so hard to let you go? I can't do anything without thinking about you... I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't breathe properly... I just think about the guilt I carry... During all these years... I blame myself for not having been with you inside that car... I blame myself for getting upset with your complaints that were right... I blame myself for thinking about my work and forgetting our promise.... If I could go back... But now It's too late, you're not here anymore..
The rain continues to fall, the sky is still dark and making sounds of thunder.
Slowly Jeff takes the umbrella off him, tears fall together with the rain pouring down on him.
Jeff still looking at the tombstone, suddenly remembering Barcode's words.
Remembering: I still feel sorry for you because nobody deserves to live in the shadows of the past... I'm sorry to hear that you locked yourself in, that's why you defend yourself and forbid yourself to love anyone again...The past stayed in the past, but you stuck with it....
: that's right, calm down... "Shyyyyy" it's over nothing happened, I'm here.... put your empty hands behind my back, hold tight and don't let go... show me all the scars you hide...
: you are not alone, you have me, if your emotions are broken we can face these emotions.... i will be your eyes until yours can shine... i will cry here with you..
: I'm afraid, you are fear but I don't care because I've never loved anyone as much as I love you ... Let me into your darkness....
: I love you.. I'm not asking you to love me back, I'm not asking for anything in return, I just want to be by your side, take care of you... I feel like you need me more than I need you.
Stopping remembering.
Jeff crying feeling the rain fall, looks up at the sky, looks for a few minutes, feeling so guilty for thinking about Barcode.
Stop to drop tears of pain, with lifeless eyes, with the rain falling on him, with the umbrella in his hand, he saw that there is someone who can make him out of this darkness, he wants someone who will make him forget the guilt he carries, he knows that Barcode can do this, struggling with his thoughts, struggling with his feelings because Barcode reminds him a lot of Gameplay, wanting to give this chance that Barcode asked for even knowing that his heart will forever belong to this person under this tombstone.
Jeff turns to leave but stops when he sees a young man in front of him a little distance away with a sad look, seeing that he too has cried, realizing that this young man has been behind him for a long time, looking at him as he suffers looking at the tombstone, seeing that this young man feels sorry for him, seeing that this young man feels something special for him.
Jeff seeing him started walking and approaching, he stopped, asking in a calm voice, with the rain still falling over him and over the umbrella of the young man in front of him.
Jeff: What are you doing here, N'Barcode?!
Barcode is sad to see Jeff look so lifeless, sad to see him suffering so much, feeling sorry for Gameplay's death and knowing about this date, wanting to comfort Jeff and say that everything is fine, that he is not alone anymore.
With the two of them in the middle of a cemetery.
Barcode: P'Talay told me you'd be here... Today is... Do you want to go get something to eat?! You must be hungry...!
Jeff seeing that Barcode doesn't want to talk about this day, realizing that Barcode wants to hold his hand and not leave him alone on this day.
Jeff: You came here to this place just to ask me out to lunch?! Really you are strange...(Jeff gives a slight smile)... But in a good way... Hmm, I'm hungry...
Barcode gave a slight smile, extended a hand forward, giving a welcoming and warm air to the man in front of him.
Barcode: so come with me... I know a good place to eat...
Jeff looks at the hand extended in front of him, with one hand in his pocket and the other holding the umbrella to the side, with a serious look he returns to look at Barcode.
Jeff: Before we go, N'Barcode, I want to tell you something that maybe you don't like... even though you're in front of me, you can't give me what I need right now... I suffer from mine demons themselves.... I only leave pain to those who try to love me... I'll be clear with you... I don't know how to love you with him in my thoughts, he has my heart here on this tombstone that you see .... But even knowing this you want to be by my side?!..
Barcode always with his hand outstretched in front of Jeff, giving a slight smile, suffering inside when he hears this but having a little hope even if they are small, he just wants to be by this man's side, forgetting also his own past that it hurts him too.
Barcode: You have no reason to be afraid of all your demons... they don't know what you're made of... but I do, I can see it through your eyes... you smile without your eyes... ..You think no one sees it, I see it, because that's who I am too.... You're your own worst enemy but I'm here now to change that .... If I can, of course....Let me love the pain you're going through... let me love your loneliness.... when you feel like you don't belong here, I'll be here to tell you you're wrong....Because all that really matters in the end is you.... If you need me, I'll be by your side... When you feel like you might die, don't worry... I can bring you back to life... I will love you even if you're not ready to love me the same.... We can light the fire to warm our bones... This world is too cold to sleep alone P'jeff...
Jeff listening to this felt something warm, Barcode's voice and his words make him think of Gameplay, the similarity in the way of speaking, the warm smile, he knows it's not right to make this comparison, he doesn't want to replace Gameplay with anyone, but Barcode is different.
Jeff: Why do you insist on wanting to suffer by my side?! Why do you want to save me in this dark hole I chose to stay? The two of us are so different....
Barcode closes his eyes, drops the umbrella in his other hand, opens his eyes, walks over to Jeff, with the rain falling and wetting him Barcode gently grabs one of the side of Jeff's face, gently kisses him on the lips, Jeff his eyes widened a little when he was kissed with such a delicate and wet kiss, remembering the slight taste of a kiss given months ago.
Barcode breaks the kiss, still holding Jeff's face, with a soft voice, remembering the pain he has from his own past.
Barcode: Because I think I saved myself by wanting to save you.
Jeff looking into this look, wanting to feel the same, seeing that the young man in front of him also hides something from the past, feeling an inexplicable attraction, he touches the hand that is touching his face, giving him a vague and delicate look, with the rain fall over the two.
Jeff: So be it, I'll let you guide my way cause I'm not thinking straight.... I will accept you and accept your help.... But don't expect too much from me.... can you come to my rescue?
Vincent Xu
Hey guys🤗
Thank you so much for reading again, I hope you enjoyed today's chapter.
Next chapter with no set date.
Vincent Xu's IG in real life: @Vincent Xu