lisa
there's an uncomfortable feeling on the pit of my stomach, almost making me want to throw up. i don't feel good about this.
why am i here again?
right. because it's jennie's birthday.
and i don't know what excuse i will provide jisoo and rosie if i will not come with them. it's rosie who planned all these. we literally just arrived from our concert in hongkong. we already sang jennie a happy birthday a thousand times while we're in there with blinks. the staff prepared her a cake. and i was even the one who recorded everything with jennie's phone.
but rosie insisted we gave jennie a proper surprise since it's now officially jennie's birthday in south korea. since we have different vans, it's easier for us to plan the surprise. we let jennie leave first then we asked our managers for permission, informing them about what we have in mind. and that's how we ended up here.
outside jennie's condo unit. with rosie holding the cake, jisoo with the confetti and on my hand are the balloons.
"shh. jisoo your keychain is making noises." rosie scolded in a hushed voice. jisoo look down on her bag where the said keychain is 'making noise' before returning her gaze at rosie.
"rosie we're like literally 3 rooms away from jennie's unit."
"still!" rosie pushed before turning away from us. jisoo and i look at each other. i gave her a shrug of my shoulders as an answer to her questioning gaze.
before i know it, rosie's already pushing the doorbell button outside jennie's flat. it took her a couple of minutes to answer the door.
"surprise!" rosie greeted in a cheerful voice as soon as the birthday girl appeared infront of us. jennie's face instantly morph into surprise with our presence.
"happy birthday jendeuk!" jisoo followed then pop the confetti, making jennie jolt at the sound.
"w-what—" jennie started but then close her mouth and gave us a smile instead. my eyebrows crease a little when i notice that something's wrong.
maybe it's the years of knowing her or the amount of time i stare and memorize the way her smile reaches her eyes whenever she's genuinely happy but i just know that her smile right at this moment is a little forced.
"thank you. seriously you shouldn't have bothered with all these. you guys literally sang me happy birthday a lot it made me sick." jennie told us with a laugh after closing her door.
"that doesn't count wifey because today's your actual birthday." rosie reasoned out as she carefully opened the box to reveal the customized cake we ordered last minute. it was in different pastel colors but the highlight was the blue roses on top. we know how the blue roses are jennie and her mom's own tradition every year for her birthday so i thought it would be great to give her something meaningful like that.
i watch jennie's eyes twinkle when she caught sight of the cake. without noticing, my lips instantly curved upwards when i saw a glimpse of a real smile on jennie's face.
"this was lisa's idea by the way. the design i mean." rosie explained when she noticed the glint on jennie's eyes.
my brown orbs met feline ones. i gave her a small smile, her own lips curving into that kind of smile that words are not needed.
"alright time to make a wish!" rosie exclaimed after lighting up the candles.
"i think it's now the right time to sing her a happy birthday, right?" jisoo chimed in. jennie playfully rolled her eyes.
"right! come on wifey this will be the last time but the official one." rosie convinced, making jennie giggle.
"fine."
i pull out my phone from my back pockets and tap the camera icon. just like what i did earlier, i recorded jennie as she close her eyes for a few seconds before blowing the candles.
"yayyy! so what next? movie marathon?" rosie suggested and it didn't escape my eyes how jennie's smile faltered a little.
"right now?" there was a reluctance in jennie's voice and thankfully i won't be the one to point out jennie's hesitation because jisoo finally noticed.
"why? do you have plans?" jisoo asked in curiosity.
"actually—" jennie's words was cut off when we heard the doorbell rang. we all simultaneously turn our heads towards it. i returned my eyes on jennie and caught her swallowing.
"who's that?"
jennie shut her eyes close tightly. she heave a deep breathe before finally looking at our puzzled expressions.
"uh actually guys. i have something to tell you."
"hi." the guy wave at us, showing us a friendly smile. not just any guy actually. he's a known kpop idol. a very famous one.
and right that moment, i knew i should've trusted my guts when i felt the uneasiness since the start. the discomfort i was feeling awhile ago came back, stronger and much worse. i feel like i will actually throw up.
"it's nice to officially meet you. i'm a fan of your songs." he bowed a little. jisoo's the first one to snap out of our initial shock.
it should be us who's supposed to surprise jennie but she's the one who dropped the biggest bomb on us.
"it's nice to meet you as well." jisoo started with her practiced professional smile and a little bow. she then turned to jennie, who keeps fidgeting and chewing her lower lips.
"jennie?" the oldest member of our group asked. it was directed at jennie with the purpose of seeking for an explanation.
"g-girls this is.. uh well you already know who he is.." jennie stop mid-sentence. she was stammering so bad.
i would've preferred it if she just stabbed me right on the chest than muttering those two words.
"we're dating."
"lisa." my heartbeat quickened inside my chest upon hearing her voice. it's the kind of beating that hurts. suffocating even.
the last time i felt this was when i brought her on the rooftop restaurant in thailand. the view was spectacular. we could see the city lights from the top. but no matter how magical the view was, it failed in comparison when i saw her feline eyes gleaming in happiness.
i can't believe i'll experienced it again but in a completely different situation.
"can you stay for a while?" she requested in a small voice. jisoo and rosie look at us with an expression i couldn't read. then their watchful eyes focused on me, waiting. waiting for what? for my answer? or for me to finally break?
but they didn't know. they have no idea what i'm going through. or what the hell's happening between jennie and me. they didn't, right? but deep inside i feel like they do know but just chose to not meddle with us.
"would you like some tea?"
i answer her with a shake of my head. jennie lead me outside, towards her unit's balcony. i leaned my arms on the railing while watching the blinking lights from the city below us. i remember my earlier thought about my memory with the city lights.
"you've been living here for 2 years but this is my first time seeing this view here." i told her.
"this is my favorite part of my apartment." i turned to her with a raise eyebrow.
"the bed?" i reminded her and i watch her bite her lower lip to suppress a smile when she realized that i was right.
"fine. the bed and this." she gave in, making me chuckle. she has a tiny pout on her face. my eyes remained on her as her expression turned thoughtful.
"it's just.. i learned to love the view of city lights when you brought me on that place back in thailand? do you remember?"
how could i forget?
her lips formed a smile, like the memory of our thailand trip was something she cherished so well too. i look away from that smile to save myself.
"it's impossible to forget." i murmured.
i don't know why she asked me to stay. or maybe i know why. but i don't think this is necessary. i just want to hide on the corner of my room or better, stay far away from everyone. from everything. from my feelings. from her.
but unsurprisingly, i still give jennie whatever she asked me to.
"are you happy?" i added when i finally found the courage. from the corner of my eyes, i witness how jennie stiffened.
"ofcourse i am. i have you guys—"
"no. with him." i cut her off and took a brave step to look into her eyes.
she lick her lips, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "i'm sorry."
"why?" she shook her head. "i don't know.. i just feel like i owe it to you."
i forced out a chuckle. "you don't owe me anything jennie. i just want to know if you're happy."
jennie looked away from me. she wipe the tears that fell from her eyes and stared infront of us. "i am."
it shouldn't hurt me. it's all i ever wish for jennie to have. happiness. but i've never imagined that jennie's happiness will be my greatest heartbreak.
"then that's great jennie." i said before walking away from her.
"lisa." a hold on my arm stopped me from taking more steps.
"are you not mad?" she whispered, her voice shaking. "talk to me please."
i grab her fingers from my arm to remove it before facing her again.
"what do you want me to say jennie? that i think you're so fucking unfair?" i asked her in controlled voice. i don't want to yell at her. i'm mad. i'm hurt. but i don't want to lose my shit in front of her.
"h-he's ready to risk it all." she said in some sort of explanation like it help me at all. she might as well shove a dagger on my heart.
"and i don't?" i asked her, my voice cracking. i bit my lower lips so hard i can taste blood just to stop the tears from falling. i will not allow myself to cry.
"lisa." jennie's lips quiver and she reach out for my hand but i stepped back.
"jennie i would've have risk it all for you, too. i was ready to drop everything. my dream. my career. even our members. for a chance to be with you. but you said we can't." i can't help but remind her, my voice dripping with accusation of why we're here. why i'm being like this. how we ended up like this.
"i respected your decision, jennie." by this time jennie's already crying. she keeps murmuring her apologies to me. even if she just shattered my heart into million pieces, i still can't take seeing her crying.
i step forward, closer to her. i cup her cheeks and use my thumb to wipe away her tears.
"stop crying. it's your day and i don't like being the reason that you're shedding tears right now." i told her, pleadingly.
"lisa i'm sorry." she sobs. i wrap my arm around her and i felt her burrying her face on my chest.
"don't ever apologize for your happiness, jennie." i told her and planted a kiss on the side of her head.
he and i are the same. we're both willing to give up everything for jennie. but jennie chose to give him a chance. then that means..
i shut my eyes close, feeling my heart breaks for the nth time tonight.
then that means jennie's love for me was not enough for her to take a risk on us.