Ziggy
"I just.. I don't feel like I'm in the position for a relationship." I say, playing with the strings of my hoodie. It's a habit I do when I'm anxious.
"With her?" My therapist asks, I sarcastically chuckled. "With anyone." She looked at me and nodded, writing down whatever she's writing on her clipboard.
"And you say you've been dating her for 3 years am I correct?" I nodded and looked down. Don't get me wrong, I love y/n more than I love anyone, but..
"She's great. She's amazing, it's just me, I'm the problem and I feel like I'm ruining us, and she doesn't even notice. She thinks everything is fine"
"But it's not, is it."
I looked up at her and blinked a year away. "No." I sigh.
"Does she still make you happy?"
This was a hard question, because I didn't really know if she did or not. But ever time im with her it just feels the same as when im not with her. Im numb.
I shook my head and the therapist hummed, put her clipboard down on the coffee table and leaned against her knees. "You are entitled to how you feel, and if you feel like you can't handle this relationship. Then talk to her about it. Nothing comes out of staying quiet. And if you really can't handle it, if the talk doesn't help, breaking up might be the best solution for you and for her."
"But I love her." My voice breaks.
"But it's not helping you. Do what you think is right ziggy, this is your path. Not anyone else's."
She leaned back onto her chair and took her clip board, writing more things down on it. I look down at my wrist, my eyes trailed from the marks to the bracelet y/n gave me for our 2 year anniversary.
May it be what god wants.
—
"Ziggy!" I felt someone hug me from behind as a put my stuff in my locker. I quietly sighed and turned around smiling slightly I really didn't want to do this.. "Hey babe." She says bringing up both her hands, cupping my cheeks.
"Are you okay?" She questions inspecting every part of my face. I did look a lot paler than usual and I had bags under my eyes from not sleeping. "Yeah, just didn't get that much sleep."
"No Ziggy i mean are you okay in general? Because you haven't talked to me in days." 6 days ago was my therapy session. That damn session was stuck in my head since I left that room.
"Sorry, my phone is just having some problems." She didn't seem to believe me but ignored it. Like always.
"So.. tonight is my show." She started, then reached into her bag and handed me something. "And I got you a front row ticket!" Right, that show, how the hell was I supposed to do it now.
She seems so happy. "Wow- babe that's awesome, thankyou." I put the ticket in my pocket and adjusted my backpack. "I went through hell and back to get those so you better come." I snickered and moved a hair from her face so I could admire her.
My beautiful girl, my y/n. I'm so goddamn sorry I'm not enough for you. I'm so sorry I can't give you what you deserve.
"I'll be there." I say quietly. She did the loudest-quiet squeal and threw her arms around my neck. "I love you so much." She sighed.
"I love you too. Never forget that."
—
I sat down in the seat y/n got me and I had a perfect view of the stage. My mind still kept replaying the words my therapist said to me. And i decided that I would do it after the show.
It sounds cruel, it sounds bitchy. I know, but I at least wanted to be there for her. See her happy before I have to break her heart to save my own.
I sound so fucking selfish. But I need closure. Because I'm not in the mental state for any relationship right now.
After about 30 minutes, everyone showed up and the lights turned on. "Hello everyone, I'm the host of tonight's show. It's gonna be a long one so feel free to help yourself to some snacks that out student staffs will be passing around with."
I saw a couple of the freshman's at she corner of the door with trolleys of all kinds of snacks and drinks when I walked in. They really do come prepared. "At the. Bottom of your seat, there is a list of every single performance tonight, from poems, to songs, to dance. But I won't bore you with anymore details.. our students worked hard and they're anxious to get started so without further ado let's get started with our first dancer of the evening, shanon gray!"
After about what seemed like ages, it was y/ns turn to come up on stage. I shifted in my seat and sat up straight when I saw her walk out with but a piece of paper, and dressed simpler than everyone else there. She was still in the outfit she wore this morning when I saw her.
I smiled when I saw her come up to the mic. "uhm so.. this is a poem i wrote a few months ago.. when I noticed some changes in my life." She looked at me when she said that my eyes flickered around the room and she continued.
"It's the first of many but- yeah, here goes." Y/n cleared her throat and finally begun.
"You never know what's up or what's not
I'm a teenager, I know what's not and what's up,
it isn't always that happy
You look at high school in movies when you're in middle school and you can't wait to go there
think you'll sing
think you'll dance
But then reality hits you and suddenly you can't sleep most nights
And this feeling that you can't do everything right
Just haunts you, you know that feeling walking around at night?
It's not like high school musical, one, two and three
You don't walk around inside and feel all whimsical you don't feel free
Because it's full, full and full
Friendships
Relationships
And suddenly you can't wait to graduate because it's all just fire, fire and fire
And not the good kind fire, not the slang
It's the fire where you feel like you're burning and burning and you don't have the ability to stop it so you want to find the closest wall, take your head and bang, bang, bang
Until blood flows out but you don't have a choice, no no no, you can't take a different route
You have to live with this, live with the pain, love with the suffering and if you don't like it? Then too bad
You think you know somebody but you don't.
You try to understand them for hours and hours and hours and more.. but finally these aren't my words or ours they're yours."
By the end of that, I didn't notice that my smile turned into a frown and that my vision was getting blurry. When she finished she looked at me and nodded her head.
The crowd applauded loudly, some even getting up from there seats and yelling how great it was. I clapped as well, trying not to let any tears fall down from my eyes.
—
I walked backstage in search for my girlfriend. The show was still going on but I needed to find her and talk to her.
I finally found her in a corner with the paper she was holding earlier, just staring at it.
"Y/n." I walked up to her and she instantly crushed the paper and threw it somewhere else. "Ziggy, I'm sorry-"
I engulfed her into a hug and swayed both of us side to side. "I love you so much.. so so much." She hugged me back and I could hear the sobs she was letting out on my chest.
"Im sorry.." I said pulling away, viewing her tear stained face. "Im so sorry."
She shook her head, muttering silent no's. "I love you.. I do."
"If you loved me you wouldn't want to be apart from me. Ziggy I can help you get better, I can fix this is, I can fix us."
"I don't want the burden of our relationship on your shoulders." Y/n shook my hands off and took a step back.
"Babe.."
"Don't babe me, this is over isn't it?" She gestured between the two of us. When I didn't say anything back she scoffed. "Im just going.. through a really tough time y/n. And this relationship isn't fixing that."
"Well im sorry I couldn't help that I put you through hell." My eyes widened and I stepped forward only for her to shove me back slightly.
"You didn't put me through hell I put myself through it, and I don't want you to be involved in this." She put her hand over her mouth and I could hear the choked sobs she was trying so hard not to let out.
"I love you. But I need to be free of you." I brought my wrist and untied the bracelet she gave me, took her hand and placed it in it forming a fist.
"So that's it then.. it's the end of us?"y/n diverted her gaze from her hand over to my eyes, but I faced the other way. Because I can't afford to look at her without falling apart.
"I guess so." I sniffled. "Don't leave me. Please Ziggy.." she begged. I leaned forward placing a kiss on her forehead and wiping her tears.
"I'll say this again. I love you forever and always.. never forget that." I then did the hardest part. I had back off and walk away. Despite her calls for me, I walked out of there.
They do say when you close a door, another one opens. Yeah, bullshit.