Rain pelts down on the clear glass encasing, barely shielding me from the harsh weather above as I wait for Hyeon to arrive. I tap my foot on the cement floors, the sound drowned out by the rain around us. There are a few others here, clad head to toe in jackets or raincoats while they wait for the bus to arrive.
I huddle to the corner, giving someone space to sit and then a car stops right in front of us. Hyeon is wearing a black sweater and jeans and he rushes up to me with an umbrella in hand, not caring that his clothes are getting soaked.
I hurry after him and get into the passenger seat, rubbing my palms together to keep them warm. No one expected this downpour today and I wonder if it will put a damper on our plans.
One thing's for certain, the gloomy weather has definitely dampened my spirits. I keep thinking about our rehearsal yesterday, my fight with Rachel and what Mr Oh implied.
Would the executives really just use me to draw crowds to the showcase and then kick me out of the line up because I'm not that good of a singer.
I swallow down that heaviness that has enclosed around my throat just as Hyeon shuts his door and fiddles with the heater.
Emotions have been running high amongst the girls for the past week. Kim and Liza got into a fight over their breakfast, JinJin and Grace fought over their mix up during our dance and even Binna has been annoyed with some of the girls for switching positions too slowly.
Everyones tense with the showcase nearing but I can't shake the anger in Rachel's eyes every time I recall our tussle in the dressing room. Binna insisted that she was overreacting but there's that small niggling sliver of doubt that tells me otherwise.
I've been receiving the same criticism for the past few months. Every beat and count I have down perfectly but there has been no emotion. People don't feel anything when they see me perform, much less enjoy it.
Which leaves me wondering if I really was shortlisted for the showcase just because of Dalia. Because everyone was talking about our friendship.
I always grew up idolising her, hoping to achieve a similar feat but what if I was never cut out for this to begin with.
My chest caves in, like a crumpled piece of paper. What if I never make it past the showcase and remain a mediocre trainee forever, soon to be forgotten and replaced.
I choke and Hyeon turns to me abruptly. He was talking but I had tuned him out, too preoccupied with my thoughts.
His eyes widen when he takes in my pale, fear sticker face.
"What's wrong?"
I study the shadows under his eyes, the way they give way to such prominent cheek bones. Dalia made such a lasting impression on him that even in death he continues to adore her, to fight for what he believes has wronged her.
Will I ever impact anyone like that by being on stage? With the way I've been performing, I highly doubt it.
Hyeon stops by an empty back street, the heavy rain washing over the car like a blanket. I can hardly make out the line of dumpsters by the wall to our right or the deserted road ahead of us.
"Did something happen?" Hyeon asks me tenderly like an adult talking to a child.
My throat is so clogged, it's hard to get the words out. "I don't think I'm really cut out for this."
Hyeon's face tightens and he frowns slowly. "You mean this investigation? I don't expect much, you shouldn't either."
It's the first time he's ever admitted that we might not be able to achieve anything with what we have on Dalia's murder. I've always known that we embarked on this journey together more for ourselves than for Dalia's sake.
In my case it was a way to find some closure between my idol and her abrupt passing, a useful distraction to cope with my own tumultuous path to becoming an idol myself. It helped in the beginning, I know it did but right now I wonder if all of this has been for nothing.
"I'm not talking about Dalia." I look down at my hands. "I'm not a good singer. Or performer."
The words leave my lips as a faint whisper.
"Why would you say that? You've made it so far, some people can only dream of what you have achieved."
I turn to him and my fingers bunch together tightly. "I can't perform like she did. She made me cry, made me laugh, made me smile myself to sleep."
His lips purse and he nods in understanding, knowing I'm talking about Dalia.
I rub my eyes that have begun to tear up, feeling drained and tired. "Everyone keeps saying I'm boring to look at. That I can't emote. That they feel nothing when they look at me."
There's a quiet pause between us with nothing but the rain beating down on the hood of the car. The steady crash of water against metal, the sound somehow rhythmic.
Hyeon tilts his head to the side, studying me. "How do you feel when you perform?"
I look up at him. "How do I feel?"
"You said people don't feel anything when they look at you but you never mentioned how you feel. Are you happy up there? Or sad? What are you feeling?"
I lean back against my seat, considering his words. "I don't know. I'm mostly nervous before going on stage but when I'm up there I'm usually concentrating on my next step, not wanting to screw things up."
I realise I'm answering my own doubts as I speak. How can I expect people to feel anything from me when I'm not feeling anything myself?
Hyeon squeezes my shoulder and I smile hesitantly. "I never thought of it like that." I admit.
He nods in understanding. "I know Dalia was..is a huge part of our lives but you will never perform like her because you are not her. You're Kang Jina, an entirely different person."
"I haven't seen you perform yet but I can already tell that you will be amazing." He says honestly.
I smile at him in appreciation, determination slowly fuelling my veins like a buzz of electricity. I suddenly feel awake, aware, the wave of self pity that had been consuming me now ebbing away.
"You're amazing too," I say to Hyeon. I hope he believes it, believes that he's so much more than a Dalia fanboy. He's more talented than he gives himself credit for.
Understanding lights up his eyes and his smile is utterly genuine when he pulls the car into park and reaches for our uniforms.
"Let's do this."
***
The crowd trickles in just an hour before midnight but the press has been ready for hours. We set up our cameras and fought for decent space as soon as the rain calmed. Hyeon and the QBS camera crew did most of the work while I helped with random requests Hyeon occasionally threw my way like getting some tape or finding a pair of scissors.
I've been wearing a mask since we left the car and changed into my uniform but ever so often a reporter from a different company would stare at me unrelentingly, making me paranoid. We're all stuffed together at the entrance of Linger, a narrow deep purple carpet laid out before us.
It's the first time I've been on the other side, standing behind a camera lens instead of in front of it. The atmosphere is tense, each person waiting for a famous person to arrive. I realise I could never have a job like this, the impatience that has settled in the air among us downright suffocating.
The first celebrity to arrive is a reality Tv star that I'm not so familiar with. Nevertheless, the press around me fire her with questions, each taking turn to fight for a comment or picture like a pack of starving hyenas.
I remain at the back, nestled by a nook in the wall, the position just right to keep from prying eyes and focus on each celebrity that has arrived. Jungseok walks in just before twelve, his rugged jacket ripped at the sides, revealing his toned arms, his kohl rimmed eyes making the girls around me swoon.
I can see a crowd has formed beyond the barricades across the street and the deafening roar of die hard fans when Taejun steps out of a limousine. He's sporting dark blue hair today and dressed elegantly in a simple suit and tie. It's obvious most of the fans here came for him because most of the crowd disperses once he has walked inside.
Hyeon turns around and gives me a look. Both Jungseok and Taejun are now inside the building and I hope we can gather something by the end of tonight.
A few other celebrities walk inside but I'm too busy thinking about how I'm going to get either one of those guys to talk. We scouted the club before setting up outside, the VIP lounge is located on the upper floor, overlooking the dance floor.
I don't see how two QBS employees are going to be able to trespass an invite only spot in the club.
A sleek black limousine pulls up just as some of the camera crews have started to pack up. I look down at my phone, noting that it's already half past twelve. All invited guests have already gone inside.
Loona and Maria step outside, clad in glittery dresses with deep plunging necklines. The press pauses, looking at the two celebrities like they are ghosts. No one expected an appearance from Sweet Poison, let alone two of the members.
It takes all of two seconds for the camera flashes to run wild and I can hear screams from adoring fans from the distance. Loona and Maria remain aloof and oblivious to it all, soaking in the attention like they have bathed in it all their lives.
Not an ounce of nervousness as they strut down the carpet like the own the entire place before disappearing through the threshold to Linger.
The madness dies down soon after as we wait around for more celebrities to crash but soon everyone starts packing up, some lingering to wait for when people eventually leave the club. The QBS camera crew begin to pack up as well but Hyeon and I have passes to view the interior, all except the exclusive VIP lounge.
Hyeon's eyes meet my own and I know our real mission starts now. He grins excitedly and I tug at the lanyard holding my name tag, following him into Linger.