"I'm pregnant..." she whispered holding minho's hands on her stomach, it lit up minho's face like a candle, he was surprised not sure how to react.
"I'm happy......" he said before kissing her, kiss after kiss, until aerin got the word out, holding his hands in hers.
"do you have someone?....." minho shook his head, continuing with kisses, she walked away from the bed where minho was sitting, he got up after her asking for her hand.
"I had slept with some...but I haven't had someone for myself in a long time..."
" minho listen....I never want this child to stand in your way, even me.....it's always been like that, but now it will be different..."
"I know...and I was thinking.....I don't want to be like that no more.......I'm fine like this.."
"with just one-night stand?...family?....."
" if family is what you want, I'll give it to you..." aerin smiled, interrupting minho in the middle of talking, she knew her and minho could never be family, with or without kid.
" minho I know you...you will always have someone behind you're back, I just know that......and I want you to have someone real by your side, someone to really love and dedicate yourself to....."
it would be nice to have someone to kiss every day, every night, to talk to and share common topics, minho thought, and then he felt bad for aerin, he made her a child, he can't leave it like that. aerin is his support, his treasure, his everything, and no matter how much she is sometimes over his head but he can never get enough of her attitude and admire her. he will become a father and always be there for the child and aerin, but right now he doesn't know how to live that kind of life.
" hey, don't think to much....okay?....you're free...I'm free, I just want you to find your loved one...okay?..."
"I want to be a good father aerin…."
" you will be, I'm sure of that. " she kissed him, holding him in her arms, minho's thoughts were all around the places, he felt terrible but aerin understood him and gave him freedom and he was so grateful.
"..you're so look beautiful tonight....just to tell me this?...."
" and we danced, that was the most beautiful part....wasn't it?..."
"everything is beautiful with you..."
they stayed close to each other hardly to parted away, so they cuddled up for a sleep. minho's mind was open for a night, gathering thoughts of everything, aerin, him and jisung's broken face.
jisung shook out of his sleep, barely breathing, it was just dream, he touched his neck, he was showering in sweat, his whole back was wet as well as his pillow and sheets, he paused thinking about the dream he dreamed.
he shoot himself...
thinking about it, death didn't sound so horrible to jisung, it didn't scare him, it sounded more relieving, thoughts of losing his everything scared him more.
even thoug it was four in the morning, he didn't return to bed, he get up in the middle of the night to take a shower and change his clothing. he got ready for school and decided to sit down to write in his notebook because he hadn't done that in a awhile, he stopped writing as he remembered of his phone.
he opened the drawer and found his phone, these days he didn't even have time to think about himself and much less for a phone, it was turned off, he put the phone on charge and turned it on right away. there were ten missed calls, numerous messages from hyunjin. he immediately opened them being worried, he missed two days of school.
jisung was standing in front of minho with a lighted cigarette, aerin was down in the kitchen having a moment with her in law. this was the first time that jisung and minho got to talk after everything.
he hardly keep himself upright, thinking whether he should keep his head down, whether he was mad at minho, whether should he congratulated him on becoming a father, asking him about them, how could he even cheat on aerin, would they still spend time together? he was confused and scared to ask anything, he could never predict minho.
"feeling better?"
"um..." he gave a little nod.
" we are out tonight " jisung stood with his head bend down, not knowing that minho had full attention on him, smoking his cigarette.
" Mr.lee...I'm really happy.....you'll become a father..."
" thank you "
jisung was just about to ask about going to school when he felt minho's body behind him, the rough hands he loved so much around him felt weird after these days and it startled him. minho kissed his tender neck, that trembled under his lips, not like before, with a rough hand younger jaw was turned to meet his lips, jisung loved but thoughts of aerin made it everything worser, he was scared of minho's next move as he was slowly leaning over the table.
"when you're with me, don't worry about the others, alright?..."
minho expected an answer, and when he didn't get one, he squeezed jisung's neck.
"--y-yes Mr.lee" and minho will never know how triggered and terrified jisung was with hand around his neck, tears filled up his eyes at the sound of the belt unlocking. he gulped, minho should do whatever he wants and bend him over this table if that's what ha wanted, but it didn't happen, everything stopped, minho turned him in direction towards himself giving him a moment to breathe.
"han-a...." he heard minho call his name after zoning out, when he opened his eyes and the tone in his ears slowly returned back his head minho was in front him.
" han-a are you alright?...." jisung tried breathing, minho was standing in front of him, looking into his anxious eyes, and rubbed his shoulders. minho's palm caressed his red cheeks trying to feel his temperature, he was in good health. gently he brushed the strands out of his forehead, looking at jisung's beautiful eyes.
"you have to tell me what scares you, why you're like this?..."
" i'm fine...i was just thinking..that.......
w-we..shouldn't continue like this.....I feel bad for aerin..."
"you don't need to" when he kissed him, it felt like a cure, all of jisung's painful thoughts vanished, every pain he had ever gone through just fly out of his head. everything he saw and cried for, last night that caused him to break into a useless pieces, minho took care of it, with a kiss, he didn't need to think anything further.
"s-school I have to go to school" he muttered.
He felt better, that's what jisung thought, his mind tried everything to push triggered thoughts aside, but it was worser than he pretended to be. he was walking towards the entrance of the school when he heard hyunjin.
"Jisung!! " he turned to see his friend pretty angry running towards him.
"Mornin---"
"What's wrong with you! I was about to go to your house!!" jisung had no time to say anything back as hyunjin attacked him. "I called you twenty fucking times, sent a thousand messages, why don't you answer, you were gone for two days, I don't know if you are alive or dead" that actually reminded jisung what he's mind tried escaping from.
" I was..."
"jisung, I want to help you but you won't let me, felix is no longer there for you and I understand his reason, but I'm still here and I am willing to help you, but we have to talk through it, you have to tell me everything why...why did you--"
the bell rang, jisung stared at hyujin, eyes filled with tears. he knew hyunjin won't ignore the whole situation, but jisung just wanted to run from it.
jisung no longer knew what to think, which way to go, this morning he dreamed of death and how he would do it freely now he is worried about his health. he should have let himself rot till death, he didn't deserve hyunjin's actions, he didn't deserve aerin to be so nice to him, he didn't know which thing was right to do and not go through worser pain than he is already right now.
hyunjin was waiting for the right opportunity for him and jisung to be alone so they could talk, but they didn't find right moment until the school break.
"how are you?"
"I'm.....I'm not feeling good h-hyunjin..." hyunjin wiped tears turning his head. never in the world did he think he would be the one talking this way to jisung. jisung was always the one who would run up to him and bring his dark mind in place, now jisung was lost in it.
" jisung why?.......why you doing this to yourself?..."
because I love him "because I work for him..."
"...is he forcing you?..." he couldn't tell him but in eyes of his friend he already know jisung was far away from the truth. jisung couldn't tell him.
"jisung....we have to talk...you have to tell me the truth, keeping it for yourself makes everything worser" jisung was shivering under every word hyunjin said, he tried to be gentle and not hurt jisung but younger just couldn't speak up.
" I can't....I'm sorry I can't--h-he is not forcing me I swear, hyunjin I swear-- "
"alright alright I believe you...now..calm down jisung..."
he took a deep breath, hunjin held him for a few minutes until he calmed down.
"felix's brother is the guy you like and who you were talking about?..."
jisung couldn't look his friend, he shook his head.
"....he pays your debt, in return you work for him " he nodded.
" does he love you back....are you guys in some kind of relationship?..."
that's what destroyed jisung, he will never hear what he wants from minho. and that's the truth even if doesn't love him, he wants hear it. minho makes younger reach the stars and then he just let go.
jisung's silence gave the answer.
"was that the reason?...that's why you break friendship with felix? because you wanted his brother, that you know for a few months? your top student falling school, losing yourself because of one person who is clearly taking advantage of you...jisung you need to come to you senses, you can't destroy everything around you just to pay a debt....I mean before...everything was fine...you have to cut him out." he said being disgust.
"no it's not! you can't say that...you can't say that when you've never been in situations like me--"
"let me ask you clearly and...please answer me honestly....is all of this....really because of debt or because your in love with that man?..."
he couldn't run away from the truth, hyunjin eyes were fixed on him, and hyunjin just wanted jisung to admit the truth, but it was painful enough for jisung. he could cry, that's the only thing he could do, he was ready for this kind of reaction from hyunjin, but he's too mentally weak to do this, he's not ready to defend himself and take care of himself, he was tired, too tired to explain but neither he could lose hyunjin from his life.
" ...don't even explain..." hyunjin added. of course his best friend was annoyed and disappointed, he wanted to help him but right now he was overwhelmed of anger, truly he wanted to grab jisung by the shoulders and shake everything that man put inside his head, and bring his best friend back to the way he was.
That day, hyunjin and jisung hadn't much to talk about, they kept their distance, but they didn't ignore each other, that's hyunjin, he didn't take his eyes off jisung, he was worried. at the gymclass when everyone was in line before the start of the activities, the professor was calling out student by a student to check who was absent, which was jisung in one of them, the whole class looked around just like hyunjin confused.
" professor jisung was in the locker room" one of the students said. professor send hyunjin to the locker room to make sure he hadn't runaway of the class which could happen. hyunjin hurried back to the locker room looking at the place where jisung's clothes were. It was still there which means he changed into sports clothes.
" jisung! " when he heard whimpering followed by loud crying, he knew it was coming from the restroom, so he ran through the rows of the locker room towards there. crying became louder as he slammed the doors of each cabin open, the third door was locked, jisung's legs were sticking out as he was curled up holding the material of his shorts and sobbed, hyunjin couldn't reach him.
"it's okay! I'm here!" hyunjin repeated as he tried to approach jisung, he jumped over the wall of the cabin and managed get in the one where jisung was laying in his tears.
"Calm down...calm down...everything's fine, I'm here," he held the boy immediately carrying him to the school's infirmary. he wasn't even aware that he had so much strength to carry him and ran. nothing scared him like this, nothing, since his sister's death, he ran down the hallway he felt like he had a chance to save his sister from a sad fate that never could be changed. right now, saving jisung made him feel like he was giving himself a comfort, as he placed him in bed, his friend arm clung to hyunjin's hoodie.
the nurse immediately ran, first putting hyunjin at the side so the boy could have more of a air, but hyinjin could not leave his side, he held his hand tightly while sitting away. jisung's breath was shorter swimming in sweat as his vision got foggy, he saw nurse above him feeling the air, he saw her then switching with aerin, he heard a voice that repeated to him.
" breathe out slowly honey, taka it deeply and gently through your mouth, you're fine, come on, repeat with me"
He looked at the woman trying to sort things out in his head, he needed to breathe, he needed to controle his breathing, he did as she asked him to and it did helped. someone was holding his hand he looked at the directio, hyunjin was in tears who immediately put a smile on when jisung looked at his way.
hyunjin never cried since he lose his sister, even when he quite usually have really hard moments. jisung never saw him shade a tear, he would put long face and not talk.
hyunjin didn't let him out of his sight even more now for the rest of the day, he followed every move he made. nurse advised for jisung to see a doctor because of a panic attacks. hyunjin kept him close until the end of classes when that car picked him up, hyunjin even insisted on going with him but jisung didn't allowed, promising to contact him when he arrives and how he is doing.
It was evening and it was minho's time to go to the club as he said but jisung was still not here since this morning? he knew that aerin took him, she said that they will be quick with shopping but they stayed for a long time which already annoyed minho. he walked up and down through the large space of his room, he could have gone without jisung but he didn't, it's been a long time since they haven't spent a little time together, ever since aerin came, which made minho think about everything aerin said, about someone minho needed to spend his life with...
jisung was nothing special that interested him, he liked to spend time with him and to have him as his own, but not as a lover. maybe he did had a moment where he cared for the younger but it was just a moment of weakness, jisung was the perfect side character for him to have fun with.
they arrived, aerin was at the door with a couple of bags while behind her was jisung with double more bags, with a smile on his face, jisung was laughing? just like aerin from conversation they probably had before they get here. minho stood with a frowned face looking at aerin.
" I told you I would be on time--" she giggled.
" Go change your clothes." he said harshly to jisung who immediately obeyed lowering his gaze as well as bags he helped aerin with and then left the room.
" You are gone all day, neither you nor jisung was home " he addressed to his fiancee who was already out of her clothes, taking off her heels, exhaling tiredly as if she didn't care what minho had to say, she was exhausted.
" jisung was my assistant, he fits in much brighter environment " she chuckled at minho's expression who wasn't having it, he sigh.
" you should have introduced me to jisung earlier, he's such a nice kid, he is fun too, he loves everything with strawberries, he loves to write, oh he said he loves to dance too!... he said he would like to try dyeing his hair so we have to get it together"
minho just listened, not really being interested but he did wanted to hear more.
" He adores blue color as much as I do, we tried a lot of clothes, you should see him in shorts, he's sooo cute.. I mean.. you should see your servants dress up the way they want, he was to sweet for my heart... you want to see what I bought?"
" I'm late aerin" he said shutting his cigarette.
"Oh, I'm sorry my busy man, I'm going to rest now...and yes minho" he titled his head towards her before going out "don't keep him up late, he has school tomorrow" he just nod.
minho walked straight from his room into jisung's catching him in the middle of clothing. he stopped for a moment looking at older.
" Get dressed."
The room was dark with only his yellow desk lamp on. minho licked his lips liking the atmosphere of the room as well as half naked jisung. they haven't had sex almost a week, how is that possible, it's not like jisung doesn't want it anymore... well that's how he looked this morning, sensitive to touch.
minho leaned against his desk where the lamp was burning watching jisung quickly button his shirt on and then went to get his tie.
jisung was under the contract so it wasn't about him whether he wanted to or not but about minho. if he wanted to stop everything, he can say and everything will be over just like it says in contract. and minho know that's what jisung doesn't want him to do.
minho took few fast steps towards jisung crashing his lips against his, which immediately raised jisung's euphoria, reacting with the same tension, as if he needed all this time. his legs trembled as minho's warm hands wrapped all around his waist tightening his touch making younger wet lips leave beautiful moan, and he didn't want to see that mouth closed again, he secretly slide thumb in corner of jisung's mouth completely melting by looking at minho's dark eyes that fucked him so gently. minho smirked knowing no matter which song he plays jisung will never refuse, he will always step in to his dance. he moved hand down jisung's crotch feeling younger bulge tightening his underwear, he start rubbing his sensitive part over his clothes. jisung was quickly to put hands on his zipper spread his legs but that wasn't minho's intention, he wanted jisung on edge without the thing he desperately needed now. he clicked his tongue, nodding his head that he wasn't allowed to take his clothes off, making it hard for the younge to keep his hands to himself, he wanted minho desperately and older knew that were well.
jisung wanted to bite his lips but minho's finger didn't let him, adding just another one" suck" no thoughts passed his head, he did as he was ordered, closing his lips around minho's fingers, sucking on it so needily, trying to moan as minho's stroked his sweet spot rougher. he felt so weak to keep his eyes on minho but he demanded, he tried to pull his head back trying to catch a breath but minho held it firmly.
"fuck you look so good" minho groaned looking at the red lips of jisung drooling around his long fingers inside his warm mouth, his beautiful eyes that tried so badly not to roll over, oh how much minho missed that.
"I-Uhm...mhm!...." jisung mumbled for the air, the table shook just like his body following the same rhythm minho played.
"quite...quite she will hear you..." minho whispered with a smirk, actually he didn't care would anyone hear them it was just his idea of making younger even more intense, convincing him to think so, giving him chills, he trembled as his body burned, he cried out of embarrassment because had to release in his clothes. he tightly tug on minho's suit as his eyes rolled back feeling strong knot down his stomach. he gasped for the air heavily, minho pulled out fingers weeping saliva against his clothes, they stayed close for a few seconds as jisung collapsed against minho's board shoulders barely standing on his feet.
It felt so nice to smell the scent of strong cigarettes of his shirt, It felt so nice to be in minho's arms again, It felt so nice to be relieved of all the murderous thoughts he was going through. It felt so nice to kiss him so passionately, jisung was feeling loved giving colors to his world.
they stayed in silence listening to their breaths calm down. minho softly brushed the sweaty strands from his forehead, giving him a lasted kiss as he leaned in.
" take a shower we're still going" jisung smiled softly admiring minho's beauty, fighting his mind of asking "you really don't like me?" before carefully making his way towards the bathroom. minho waited, while younger was taking a shower minho being very rude went around his room going through his stuff, not like he was looking for something but more like he wanted to find something besides his stupid notebooks, and he did, something eye catching squeezed between the bed and the wall, it was squared canvas with painted blue sea having signature at the bottom.
" Hwang? " minho couldn't remember if jisung had ever mentioned someone by that name.
when younger came out of the bathroom, seeing minho holding a picture almost made his heart drop. he didn't care what minho would say, but almost like he could see him tearing the precious artwork into a pieces, so jisung anxiously breaks the silence after minho stayed quiet.
"It's a birthday gif from my friend..."
" Hwang? " he raised an eyebrow looking back at the picture.
" Hwang Hyunjin.."
minho titled his head looking back at jisung as he spoke the name, so beautifully. he hated it. jisung was shivering from the cold, and his body was still wet from taking a shower.
"get dressed" jisung didn't need to be repeated, he went straight to get his suit and quickly changed into it, acting like the good puppy that he was to minho. while getting dressed, he could sense minho's rage radiating from his eyes and throughout his entire body. he was expecting something bad to happen any minute, and it did just how he thought, minho roughly push him over the table, hitting his waist against table corne and sharp stuff from the table. jisung was terrified by minho's action, he put his whole fist up to his jaw, holding him firmly while his bottom lip drooped. he almost had a painful flashback to the last time someone had been rough with him, but he managed to hold it together. he kept his eyes closed waiting for the hit since he knew minho would lift his hand on him.
" I don't want to hear that name out of your mouth again, understand?" clearly irritated, he stated while showing jaws close to jisung's trembling lips.
he wanted to answer but he was too afraid to respond. minho aggressively shook the younger head, forcing him to open his eyes. seeing only that bodyguard, yelling, spitting in his face while being pinned against dirty ground, jisung snapped out of the nightmare seeing minho's face again, tears flowed, he nodded needily agreeing to whatever minho said, he was roughly pushed away as older walked out the room.
" I'll be in the car"
jisung held back against the table trying to catch his breath feeling like he was going to have a panic attack and scream out this lungs, but he had to go, minho will be waiting for him.
jisung was not pleased with the loud music or blinded by the flashing lights in any way, but nothing could have shined brighter than minho in his eyes. he felt drugged from the noise and the lights and thought of throwing up were were under his nose. he excused himself to the bathroom, running there while holding fist over his mouth trying to hold back to the toilet. when he got locked in one of the cabins, he dropped himself on knees relieving himself, vomiting only water. he stretched as if more vomit was about to come up but there was nothing he couldn't throw up.
" are you all right, sir?" someone knocked on his door, being pretty worried. younger voice couldn't be heard as he tried to stay up to his vision that keep blurring, feeling as if he was going to faint, but he held back.
"I-I'm fine..."
"No you aren't! are you with someone I should call for you?"
jisung managed to flash the water and sat on the lid of the toilet feeling already tired, his trembled hand open the door to a middle-aged man who looked far too formal to be in this club, and he was surprised to see boy so young.
" God your kid, what are you doing here?... take it" he handed him a bottle of water, which jisung gladly accepted, the man crouched next to younger who was all trembling.
" are you with someone?" jisung thought of minho, how upset would he be if he saw him like this, and it was still too early for them to leave, so he shook his head.
" come, I'll take you home." that scared jisung, so he shook his head again refusing.
" I can't leave you here" jisung slowly got up and went to the sink where he washed, trying to regain his self, which kind of helped. he thanked the man few times but he did not let jisung leave by himself.
"I'm really fine.. I have to go back by the table" man nodded finally leaving jisung alone, then he went back to the table where the other bodyguards were also seated, thankfully, they weren't the ones that jisung couldn't be near.
hours passed, jisung struggled to stay awake sitting on that chair, other bodyguards also had enjoyable night, but of course weren't allowed to drink, in which minho was over the top, he got drunk very much.
jisung was looking at the scene in front of him, changbin tried to pressure his boss of going home before he made even bigger fool of himself. jisung immediately ran towards minho, he almost never seen him like this wasted, changbin and another one of the bodyguards helped him get in the car.
minho was mumbling, slurring his words and hands, which jisung found so cute, seeing older with red cheeks and pouted lips, he rested his head on jisung's neck placing his lips to suck on it, jisung struggled a bit of being suppressed in the corner of the car while the older kissed him shamefully, jisung laughed at minho acting like a baby sucking on his thumb.
"you smell of strawberries.....you taste sweet..." he whispered in a hushed tone that sent shivers down jisung's neck. he clenched his teeth hearing words that pleased him, but they were a sweet poison that jisung didn't want to swallow. his hand slipped into his, gripping it so tenderly.
".....don't give it to anyone expect me han-a.....expect me...you understand?..." last words of the sentence he said was barely heard to others except jisung.
"Uhm.." holding older, jisung nodded. suddenly his heart dropped and beat as crazy as minho buried his face into jisung's tiny neck breathing warm air into his skin, making his heart sink and race.
" ... don't fall for it....he is drunk.." changbin said exhaustedly, looking at jisung through the rear-view mirror, interrupting beautiful thoughts of younger before even happening.
he bit his lips as his face features changed to a silent cry, his head was turned in the other direction from where minho wad resting on his shoulder. he was looking through the mirror into the empty darkness of the night as they drive.
he tried his best not to cry here, he feels awful, the pain that hurted just like the first time, as someone dug into his bare skin with sharp fork, digging hole to his heart that wasn't there.
he was ashamed of being that person to a cheater, and no matter how much he hated himself and tell himself to end, minho would ruin it all just like him.
maybe all this pain I'm suffering from is because I didn't mean to be loved, and I can't accept it, no matter how hard I tried my heart still loved, loved so deeply and truly you, you that stepped at the heartbeat of mine, walk over it over and over, going back and forth still not noticing having it under the sole of your shoe, the heartbeat that loved you. and I did was burned from your awful play, still I am, but I'm ready for you to come back and step over me again, so my heart felt like beating again. you killing me and I keep crying but I love it, cause I know you will back for me, to make me cry again, to make me dance to your song again, sadly not the dance I dreamed about, the dance i saw you do with an angel I could never be. the dance I wished I had just a chance to have even two steps in it, it would make me the happiest guy you liked to call han-a. and I apologize for asking for to much, for asking impossible of your unfrozen heart to love someone like me, someone to call lover and share those nights eyes only with me. and i pray just to see them tomorrow even if I can't say they're mine, even if i know they'll hurt me, make me cry and burn my lungs out like you're cigarette while they watched me, watched me dance to that song you love me to play, and if that's the only thing you loved on me, please always make me dance, because I love to dance.
he wrote over the wet sheets of his notebook, closing it before it dried, throwing it somewhere under his bed and went to sleep, that is staring at the ceiling.
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
thoughts?