Sometimes life can be suffocating.
It's often said that it's always darkest before the dawn, but for the person in whom all the worst possible circumstances come together, it's always the darkest. At least that's what Maddox thinks as she slides into the tub, staring at the ceiling with narrowed eyes and blowing bubbles in the water with her mouth half-buried in the water. She's still not quite used to the bath on the new floor, so her skin slips on at least three occasions, but on the fourth she stops straining, succumbing to the inertia that pushes her to close her eyes and catch her breath.
In her head the same image keeps replaying hour after hour, minute after minute, second after second, the scene from two nights ago keeps coming up. Her father's voice piercing her ears, tearing at them with those words Maddox dares not repeat but, ironically, can't help but hear; her lips peeling away from Addison's with uncharacteristic speed, as if that's the perfect way to reverse the whole situation; everyone else's gazes on the image, on her, specifically, but especially her mother's, who won't open her mouth while her father accuses her of being a bad Christian and a worse disappointment than her brother.
Ten seconds.
As tears fall silently down her cheeks at her father's expletives, Maddox reminds herself that it's not real what he's saying. She remembers all the times they've gone fishing together, just the two of them, returning home happy when Maddox catches her first victims; the times Gregory Easton has placed the protective headphones over his daughter's ears himself so the roar of bullets penetrating wooden bodies wouldn't affect her; all the times when she was little and her father came home from his missions in the east he'd hoist her up, reminding her how much he'd missed her and promising her he wouldn't be gone for a long time.
But, as always, promises fizzled out. The look on her father's face had been so wrathful that Maddox knew for sure she would never get back the part of him she longed for.
"Mamá," Maddox had started that night, taking a huge step forward as her father left Joe's bar. Nothing could be heard in the bar but Maddox's incessant sobs and the bated breaths of those closest to her. Maria Easton had raised her hand, not looking her in the eye, and Maddox tried again. "Mamá, por favor."
Twenty seconds.
Maria steps back, away from her daughter, who implores with her eyes. Far from being embarrassed by the scene caused, her heart slowly breaks into a thousand pieces because everything she has fought for is what is now being pushed away from her.
"Maddox, no... I have to leave. I'm sorry," are the only words he extracts from her mother that night, and the woman disappears behind the bar door, slamming it shut and ending the family's short conversation.
Maddox doesn't remember exactly what happens after that. She remembers a pair of arms closing around her, and from the scent she knows it's a woman, but it's not Addison, because her blue eyes are locked on her sea-colored eyes, with a completely disbelieving gesture, far away, where she has left her when she has approached her mother. Maddox tries to say something, opening her mouth, but no sound comes out of it, and so it goes for the rest of the night. Later Maddox learns that it is Lexie who separates her from everything and everyone, and that the first time she sees the new apartment she has with Addison is when she tucks her into bed and stays with her until her chest stops heaving from sobs and she falls asleep.
Thirty seconds.
"Do you think she'll be okay?" Addison asks Callie outside the bathroom, the two of them leaning on either side of the wall, waiting for the door to open and reveal Maddox. Time passes and the only bathroom in the house is still occupied by the young woman, who has barely said a couple of words since everything that has happened. Webber understands the situation, knowing the young woman's parents but not recognizing their attitude, and allows it to be the rest of the residents who put in a little more effort to cover Maddox's duties for at least two days.
"I can't even imagine how she must be feeling right now," Callie sighs, looking down at her shoes. "I didn't know her personally, but I know she and Bailey have history together. Apparently, her mother was treated by Bailey and Webber when she was sick. And the poor girl practically lived in the hospital while she was in college. She's sacrificed everything she is for her mother and this is how she repays her."
Addison's breath shudders at the thought of the other night. "When her father was saying all those horrible things to her, I couldn't think straight. I was thinking of a way to get him to shut up, and I just stood there. I feel terrible. I didn't stand up for her. What kind of partner am I?"
Forty seconds.
"This isn't your fault, Addison. This is on her father, who is a terrible person, and her mother, who didn't stand up to him for her. You didn't have to do anything. It would have only made things worse, I think. Picking a fight with her family was not the solution. You have to be there for her now, that's all. Is she taking too long, or is it me?" Callie frowns and looks at the clock.
"She likes a long bath when she's feeling sad. Normally I'm with her, but it's strange now. She's barely talked to me these past forty eight hours. The first night she slept with Lexie Grey and last night she was off duties but I caught her lying on a bunk, facing the wall but she was not sleeping. I tried to be there for her but it seems I'm only making things worse. Am I the problem? Am I the one making her drift away from her family?"
Fifty seconds.
Inside the bathroom, Maddox begins to give up. The oxygen in her lungs is evaporating, turning into tiny bubbles that bloom on the surface of the tub, and her fingers stop closing over the ceramic of the cabinet, disappearing into the foam just as her head has been underwater for a minute. Inside the bath, Maddox thinks about Meredith giving up the fight and wonders if, somewhere in Seattle Grace, Meredith will see her again in her dreams.
"Of course you're not. You're not the first woman in Maddox's life, and it's been you, but it could've been any other woman. You don't get to feel guilty for another person's actions, especially if we're talking about her father. You just have to give her some time. Be there for her, but don't suffocate her. She'll need all the normal she can get," Callie looks at her watch again. "Okay, this is too long. I'm dragging her out of the bathtub myself."
Just as the brunette goes to unlock the door, it opens, and Maddox steps out of the sink, her hair soaked, her lips purple, and a too-short towel covering her body. "I didn't drown," the young resident says in a whisper. It almost sounds like a confession, because at no point does she say she didn't try, and the color of her skin reveals that she's been under there too long. "Is anyone going to the hospital?"
The residents' locker room is empty when Callie takes her to the hospital, and Maddox is grateful. It's close to ten in the morning, and the young woman is aware that the other five must be too busy absorbing their own tasks to know she's at Seattle Grace. She knows her head is not where it should be, that it may be too early to return to her daily chores, but she opens her locker anyway and her heart sinks because she also knows what was waiting for her stuck in the metal.
A photo hangs on a thread, sliding in the air from the force with which she has opened the door. In the photograph, her father holds a can of non-alcoholic beer as he flips burgers on the barbecue, her mother smiles sweetly at the camera with a scarf covering her head, and Maddox is about seven years younger, sheathed in a coral-colored dress she barely recognizes. They were the worst years of her life, but the end of them is what helps her become who she is today, and as she looks at the photograph, she realizes how quickly it's all gone.
Maddox is aware that she has never had that talk with her parents. She has never openly proposed to them what would happen if her brother or herself were in a same-sex relationship, and now she realizes how good it would have been to have their opinion from the start. The brunette, in her head, almost admits that she expected her father's overreaction: an old-fashioned ex-military man with traditional values for a flag, but still Maddox would have expected his feelings for his daughter to be more important than his outlook on life.
At this moment, more than ever, Maddox misses Dennis.
The door to the locker room opens, and Maddox notices that the photograph is damp with tiny droplets. She is mentally grateful for the moment she has had of reflection, because although it has been short, these past few hours it has been impossible for the resident to be surrounded by anything but silence.
"Oh, I didn't think there would be anyone here," Arizona Robbins' voice is unmistakable even though everything seems so far away around her. Maddox doesn't take her eyes off the photograph, hoping the attending will take the hint that she doesn't feel like conversing. Still, Maddox knows, the talk is going to be impossible to escape.
"Surprise," Maddox mutters under her breath. "I just needed a minute. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing, so I'll reach Dr. Bailey."
"After you take your minute."
"After I take my minute," Maddox says with closed eyes and a whisper. When she opens them again, the doctor is sitting next to her, and Maddox doesn't know if it's Dr. Robbins or if it's Arizona. Arizona confuses her, so she prefers to talk to Robbins. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have seen that. Nobody should've."
"You don't need to be sorry. You know that, right? You don't get to be sorry."
"Still," Maddox shrugs, holding up the photograph. "I've made it all disappear. Nobody's going to remember I graduated high school a year before I should've, or that I'm a surgeon, that I tried to be the perfect daughter even when my own world was falling apart. I'm just going to be the pariah."
The blonde takes her by the hand unexpectedly, firm but gentle at the same time, and her tone of voice forces her to look at her. "I promise you that's everything people are gonna remember. Every attending in this hospital is gonna make sure you're one of the best surgeons Seattle Grace's ever seen. People know you more than you think, Maddox. You're loving, and caring, and always have a big smile on your face for everyone who needs it. This will pass, but you will stay you. And you will always have this," Arizona points to another photograph hanging in the locker, this time a picture of Meredith, Cristina and herself. Maddox can't remember who took it, although if she closes her eyes she can picture Lexie on the other side of the camera, happy that she's being considered for something. On the stretcher in the break room, all three of them have huge books in their hands, their legs crossed in the same position. "Grey, Yang, Karev. They are also your family. And I know it's not the same as your biological family, but this one will not let you sink. This one will love you, and cherish you, and support you no matter what."
Again, Maddox stares at a photograph. She's not smiling in this one, but she recognizes herself more than in the previous one. The white coat, her resident's uniform, her name embroidered on her pocket, a huge medical book in her hands, and her two life partners beside her. Maddox remembers the bomb inside the patient, Dylan, jumping into the frigid sea to pull Meredith out, the dream she had afterwards, Cristina's miscarriage and how she didn't leave her side. They have been there. She has only needed them.
Still, someone is missing from the picture.
And Maddox knows who.
"I have to go. I, uh, I needed that. So, thank you. You would be a great mentor."
Maddox has already left the locker room when Arizona smiles a little and says, "Sure."
However, despite her search, she doesn't find what she wants. Or who she wants, rather. The break room is empty, the gurney where the photo was taken is empty, the locker room is empty, and the nurses' station seems quieter than usual, so Maddox has no idea where the rest of the residents will be. Fortunately, Derek appears behind one of the emergency doors, so Maddox knows exactly who she should ask. "Dr. Shepherd, have you seen—"
"Oh, Easton!" Derek smiles. "I wasn't expecting you here. I hope you're feeling better now. Something's happened with Dr. Bailey's son and I believe you might want to be with the rest," Derek points his head to a door in the hallway, where the other five residents wait with long faces outside a room.
"Bailey's son? What happened?" Maddox quickly forgets who she was looking for, as her mind focuses on her mentor.
The man again points out the group of residents to her, and Maddox wastes no time in approaching them. Despite the tension of the previous day, Bailey's business requires more attention and she barely remembers their glances at her, or how it was Izzie who brought her parents to Joe's bar.
Maddox shakes her head. She can't think that because Izzie is not to blame. Izzie didn't know the situation at home, Izzie just wanted to help reunite her with her parents again. Maddox is aware that Izzie is not to blame.
Ironically, it is Izzie who is the first to see her approach, and although her eyes widen in surprise, also denoting joy at seeing her, her lips say nothing, and Cristina, who also sees her, looks at the blonde with resentment. "Mads!" Meredith exclaims her name, as if it's been years since she's seen her, or as if she didn't expect her there so soon. "You're back."
"I am," Maddox nods, hoping her voice doesn't give away the nervousness behind her words. "What happened to Tuck?"
"He got crushed under a bookshelf."
"Multiple rib fractures."
"Might have dropped a lung."
"They're worried there may be damage to the heart."
Maddox takes as many blows as she can, each sentence harsher than the last. Her eyes are riveted on the situation inside the room, doctors surrounding little Tuck, who is crying inconsolably, and his mother, who feels she might as well. The young resident momentarily forgets her own dramas, and thinks about how hard it must be for someone who needs to be in control as much as Miranda Bailey.
Webber leaves the room, and his eyes denote enormous surprise at the sight of the sixth resident, but he says nothing. "Okay. Yang and Stevens, get him to radiology for a head, chest and abdominal CT. O'Malley, tell the lab to move fast. Karev, clear out. We'll keep you posted," as they all leave, but not before giving Maddox a sly glance, Webber refers to the two remaining girls with an urgent look. "I want you to stay with Dr. Bailey. She's pretty worked up, and I want to make sure that doesn't get in the way of the baby's care."
"I don't need two babysitters," is the first thing Bailey says when she sees them as they leave the trauma room. She and Maddox share a glance, and that alone is enough for Bailey to understand everything that has happened and not comment on it.
"I know you don't," Richard replies without turning around. "Stay with her. Easton," as Meredith is leaving, she stops dead in her tracks when she hears her friend's name. Webber looks at her and knows she has to move on, so she nods to say goodbye to her. "I was thinking that you maybe want some cases. Nothing keeps a young surgeon's mind alive more than new cases. I'll let Dr. Hahn know you're on her service today. Karev must be on his way to the patient," Maddox silently thanks him for the trust placed in her, even though it is common knowledge that her head is not where it should be. "Keep your head up. You're doing great work."
"Thanks, Chief."
Webber looks like he's about to add something else, but he smiles a little, shakes his head and seems to change his mind in a matter of seconds. Again, Maddox sighs because talking about it is the last thing she feels like talking about at the moment. She starts running towards the elevator when she sees Alex approaching it, and huffs eagerly because she doesn't know how to start the conversation with him. It's as if, in those two days, everything she knew completely falls apart.
"You missed a lunatic today," Karev scoffs. "Says she can heal with energy or some crap like that. She feels chakras and bad vibes and is convinced her healing team can cure her of a heart disease."
"Sometimes people need faith," Alex scowls at her, and Maddox knows he has to stifle the skeptical words he would have said at any other time. "Medicine is not magic. It is a science. Sometimes you need to believe outside the box. Miracles happen, right?"
"You're scaring me," Alex finally says, returning to his usual demeanor. The elevator beeps and the doctor speaks again. "Do you need a miracle to happen?"
"I don't," Maddox replies. "I just need to continue with my life. Miracles don't work for me."
Alex can't explain what he's feeling, but he seems to have a much older version of Maddox by his side. Her eyes are tired, the collar of her shirt is on wrong, and she's snapped her fingers at least twice so far this minute. It's easy to understand why: what's not easy to understand is why bad things happen to good people.
"Izzie thinks it's her fault."
"It isn't. I would've had to tell them anyway."
"I know. And she knows, but she still thinks it's her fault. She's the one who brought them here, after all. She says she wanted to make it up to you as an apology for everything that's been going on with you lately, and she sees it as a failure. I mean, the result... I'm sorry. You should tell her you don't think it's her fault. It's the only way to stop her from thinking too much."
"Right now I need to get my priorities in order. You can be the one to tell her. I need to do something."
"What...?"
The elevator doors open, and Maddox, ready to escape the conversation to find what she needs to look for, finds herself face-first with Erica Hahn, who's carrying the pager in her hand and looks relieved when she sees the two surgeons in front of her. "Great. Dr. Webber said you were on my service today. Scrub in."
"Who?"
Hahn looks at her as if she doesn't know anything about why she's been absent the last few days. "You. Karev, go talk Ms. Archer through her procedure," Alex gives a fake smile, clearly upset that he's the one left with the option not to operate. "I've been called in for an emergency operation. As you may know, Dr. Bailey's son was admitted this morning. Take a look at this," Hahn hands her some x-rays and Maddox frowns. "What do you see?"
"You can't see the heart here. That would mean he's got his stomach in his chest," Maddox mutters, horrified. "It's visceral hernia. A positive collar sign. This is a diaphragmatic hernia, which is the least of his problems because the force of the trauma injured his thoracic aorta. Here is the colon, and around the colon there is fluid, which could mean that the colon has ruptured and there is fecal matter floating around that could infect the aortic repair. That complication can be fatal."
"It's good to know you're doing your homework. I paged the chief and we are trying to repair the aorta while he takes care of the diaphragm and colon. It's not an easy procedure, so I need you to stay focused. Can you concentrate?"
"Yes, Dr. Hahn."
The woman just nods, and Maddox is less and less sure that there are still people left who don't know what happened just a couple of nights ago. Everyone walks carefully around her, as if she's going to break. Like she's not a surgeon at one of the best hospitals in the country, like she's just a little girl.
Maddox makes eye contact with Webber, who is already inside the operating room, surveying the situation and gives her a nod. Maddox returns it, somewhat nervously. If she wants to help Tuck and Bailey, she has to think that this is just a good surgery, and that the one sedated is a random kid she doesn't know.
"Is everything ready?" Bailey's voice is commanding as well as hesitant in the OR.
"Dr. Bailey, you shouldn't be here," Hahn reprimands her, putting on her mask. "Please let us do our job."
Bailey nods, flustered, until her eyes shift to Maddox. "Are you scrubbing? I thought you were in pediatrics."
"Uh, I was, before I.... left. I'm on Dr. Hahn's cardio service today."
"No," Bailey denies, and Maddox's heart sinks in her chest. "No, no."
"Dr. Bailey?" Webber squints.
"Call Cristina Yang. Page Yang, Dr. Hahn."
"It's my surgery, Dr. Bailey. I choose who goes into the OR, and I've decided that Dr. Easton is a good candidate to do it. Now, please leave my OR."
Maddox looks away, feeling her spirits dropping. Beside her, Lexie looks at her with pity.
"No!" Bailey continues. "Yang has to do this surgery. She's a very talented surgeon and cardio is her thing."
"I know what you're thinking, Dr. Bailey," Maddox decides to interject. "My father hates who I am and my mother did nothing to deny that she thinks the same thing. I'm beaten down. I'm defeated, aren't I? And you all watched me fall apart. I can do my job and leave the personal stuff out of this OR. Let me prove to you that I can do as much for your family as you did for mine."
"If I ever did anything for your family, if you value what I worked for...," Bailey sighs, her voice shaking. "You'll step out."
"Dr. Bailey," Webber warns, a hint of menace in his voice. Still, Bailey doesn't flinch, waiting for a definitive decision from the resident, who slowly releases the suctioner and removes her cap, gloves and mask, disappearing behind the door. "Call another resident, nurse, please. You disappoint me, Miranda. Do you think the girl needs this? Especially from her mentor? You know her. You know her, for God's sake. I refuse to believe this is you talking, because if it is, I'm very disappointed."
Maddox's hand slides down the little Tuck's forearm. He is no longer under anesthesia but resting. The young resident thinks he will need someone with him at his side, that he will be scared, that he will wake up not knowing where he is and wondering why his parents are not around, so Maddox grabs a stool and decides that resting next to Tuck is better than sleeping in the on call room. The little boy's tiny hand closes around her fingers as her fingertips caress the back of his hand, and it's enough to make Maddox's heart swell in her chest again: even though she didn't participate, everything turned out okay.
"You'll be fine," Maddox whispers to him. "You know I was here when you were born? I was just an intern, and I was probably really scared, but while you were being born, I was doing my first real surgery. I'm the elevator guy," Maddox mumbles back with a smile but sad tears in her eyes. "The elevator guy wouldn't be as scared as I am right now. I've learned that today I can be anything I want. I can be the elevator guy, who would have made it through your surgery, or Dr. Easton, who puts on a brave facade and a smile on her face even though she doesn't feel like it, or Maddox, who is too caring and probably too emotional."
"Or you can be Maddie," Bailey enters the room, but Maddox doesn't turn around. "You can be the doe-eyed girl who wants to help everyone. Maddie, always there to listen, always with a nice word for everyone on her lips, even when people don't deserve it. The girl who puts everything she is into something until she brings out the good in it. The girl that people admire, care for and love. And the people who don't see Maddie, don't deserve anything from her. Today I am one of them. I overstepped my boundaries in the OR, and I'm so, very sorry. I had no right to bring anything from the past, I couldn't control my thoughts and I took it out on you. You didn't deserve it, so I apologize, Maddox."
"I understand," Maddox nods, still teary-eyed. "You weren't Dr. Bailey today. You were Tuck's mother."
"That's not an excuse."
"You were a scared mother. I've had plenty. 'You're too young to be a doctor,' 'I want the real surgeon to do this, this is my son we're talking about,' 'I don't want the rookie anywhere near my kid's surgery.' I know what that's like. It's fear, and I understand that. Fear brings out the worst in people. But you know what? When I come back and give them the good news, they burst into tears, thanking me for saving their baby. I do my job. I have to push those negative thoughts out of my mind, because if I didn't, because if I didn't know how to do it, I wouldn't be a surgeon. And precisely because I am a surgeon, I understand when the fear comes out."
"Fear is not an excuse to undermine one of my most promising surgeons," Bailey says. "I wasn't a surgeon today, and you were. I was not up to the challenge, and you were. Today you proved that you are both Dr. Easton and Maddox. And right now you're Maddie, holding my son's hand when his mother implied you weren't capable of healing him."
"Like I said, I understand a scared parent."
"A scared parent!" shouts Dr. Bailey. "A scared parent... protects their child with their life. A scared parent doesn't leave their child alone when that kid is scared. A scared parent will face anything to love their child. A parent doesn't walk away when things get tough. And you, Dr. Easton, Maddox, Maddie... you deserve that."
It's the first time Maddox turns at such moments to look at her, and Bailey's heart breaks at the silent tears soaking the young woman's face. "Not everyone gets what they deserve, right? You had a right to want to protect your son from everything today, but did she have to leave? Did I deserve that?" The brunette breaks into tears in front of the resident, who walks over to her and wraps her arms around her, realizing only at that moment that her son's fist is clenched around the girl's fingers.
"It's going to be all right. I promise you it's going to be okay."