October 4th 1993
Through Duff's Eyes
There is no hope left inside me. Every day is just a miserable day without any spark of happiness.
I sleep and wake up with the same misery and this time i truly believe that there's no return to happiness.
I'm getting scared for myself because the unimaginable amount of alcohol i consume on a daily basis.
I forgot the taste of water. I only drink vodka and wine.
Inside our house there is no voice. None of us talks. We just exist.
Skylar when she realised the reality, the loss of our babies, she doesn't talk at all. I missed the sound of her voice.
She doesn't move for hours, she just stares to blank barely blinking.
She doesn't go outside, not even to the balcony.
She doesn't eat anything. I feed her a small amount of food because if she will continue to act like that she will collapse.
She got so skinny and i am afraid she will suffer from anorexia.
She doesn't wash herself. Every two days i carry her to the bathroom undressing and placing her in the bathtub. I wash her hair carefully and then her body.
In the bathtub either she keeps staring at infinity or she cries and i do anything to make her feel a little bit better but i don't succeed every time.
Deep inside it kills me more seeing her like that and being unable to help her.
When it's bed time i know that she's faking sleeping. She closes her eyes as soon as i arrive in the bedroom to make me think that she's asleep but i know that when she thinks i am asleep she opens her eyes and stares at the ceiling or sobbing or going to our babies' room.
When i believed she was asleep i looked at her for a moment. She seemed calm and there's long time passed since she was truly calm.
I caressed her hair and kissed her forehead.
I still do it most of the times.
I tell her every day that she's the strongest person i know and few people could bear what she's through throughout her whole life.
Three days ago i got so scared.
I had left home because of the new album release... It was night... And when i returned home i saw Skylar lying on the floor on her back in front of the stares.
At first i thought she passed out because she barely eats something.
When i approached her i saw a needle nailed in her arm and she was unconscious.
She started using heroin again.
No way was she dead.
She was still breathing.
She's choking on her vomit.
There's no possibility i will let her die in my arms because of a heroin overdose.
I tried everything to turn her back and luckily after many trials she threw up and became conscious.
Nothing changed. She's still like she was before. No word. No food. No move. Nothing.
I have to do something more effective to motivate her keep going.
I will suggest Raquelle and Slash to let Skylar babysit their daughter. She will be willing to keep the baby and be more cheerful at least for two hours.
I called Slash secretly to explain the situation. It's been a long time since we communicated.
I told him to tell Raquelle what is happening and persuade her to call Skylar and recommend her about the babysit.
I hope everything will work right.
Slash was willing to do what i told him.
He wants to take Raquelle out for a date.
With all the things that are happening the past half year all of us lost their relationships with the others.
Half an hour later at seven in the afternoon i heard a phone call.
It was Raquelle. She told me that she's willing to let Skylar keep the baby in order to help her find herself again.
She also warned me about the safety of her daughter.
Now the most difficult part.
Raquelle will try to persuade Skylar.
I called Skylar to come over to the phone because it's something important from Raquelle.
She came here and i passed her the phone.
She could barely talk. I don't even know if she understood what she was talking her about.
At first she told that she can't do it and that she has no idea about what babies need.
After minutes of begging by me and Raquelle she was persuaded to keep the baby for couple of hours.
After some minutes she was thinking of what she's going to do and i saw a difference in her eyes.
There was a spark after a long time.
She's getting more and more energetic as the time goes by. She finds her energy again.
She started getting ready to welcome our goddaughter and of course i helped her to clean the house.
I finally hear her voice again.
I think i'm getting optimistic about us, i have a hope that she will shine again.
There will be a spark between us again.
Half an hour or so later we heard the bell ringing and we immediately reached the door to open it.
We saw Slash and Raquelle beautifully dressed ready for a date and little almost white haired Ariel playing with her toy inside the Moses basket.
Skylar took the basket and the baby was smiling at her.
I saw her smile after a long time and everything inside the house was bright again.
Whenever Skylar sees a baby she gets so delight like the baby is hers.
We said goodbye to Slash and Raquelle, they were so exited about their date.
Maybe it's time to give Ariel a sibling.
Skylar took Ariel out of the basket and put her on her lap.
They played with baby's toys and i was beside admiring this miracle happening.
This scene is emotional to be honest.
She passed the baby to me because she wanted to search for some fairytales we had bought for our babies.
When i held the baby in my arms was a feeling i was missing for long time.
I felt a relief, like all my problems were instantly solved.
She's so cute and beautiful. Her little voices lights everything.
She likes grabbing noses and hair for some reason like all babies but i don't mind.
I can't get angry at this little face.
Those small eyes which are the most innocent and shiny looks at you and all problems, troubles, worries are gone.
After some minutes Skylar turned back holding about five fairytales on her hand.
She wiped them with baby wipes to be clean.
Ariel started to be uncomfortable and niggling.
Either she wants to sleep or she's hungry.
Raquelle told us that if she feels hungry to make her boiled potato or heat water and put powdered milk for babies and mix it and for alternative she gave us a bottle of milk that she breastfeeds her.
While i was trying to reassure her Skylar was cooking the potato.
When the potato was ready she mushed it up and put it in a small baby bowl and took a small yellow plastic spoon which Raquelle brought us.
Fortunately she was eating and became calm again.
She was putting her hands inside the bowl and made herself dirty but that's okay, we will clean everything.
We did to her the airplane trick people do to make babies eat easier.
After she ate all of her food, it was time to change her diaper and clothes.
I've never changed a diaper in my life and i am a little bit scared that i will drop the baby on the floor.
Me and Skylar lay down the baby on our bed trying to figure out how to change the diaper.
Ariel was sucking her hands and moving her legs looking at us.
The smell started being more and more distinguished and disturbing so we had to change it quickly not to irritate baby's body.
After some time we achieved changing both her diaper and clothes and now she's completely ready for sleep.
Skylar asked me if i mind letting her read the fairytale to the baby and of course she had my permission, i would asking her either if she wanted to read the fairytale.
She was between Sleeping Beauty and The Little Mermaid fairytales.
She decided to read The Little Mermaid fairytale to help the baby sleep.
She lay the baby in one of our babis bed and she sat on a chair in front of the bed.
It would be so fun to have all the three babies lay here.
She started reading the story to Ariel and i was standing outside of the room admiring the view in front of me.
After half an hour the baby was finally asleep.
She had created punches with her hands and placed them around her head.
She's so cute while she is sleeping, especially her cheeks, they are so soft.
Skylar left the room quietly after ten minutes.
We sat on the couch and Skylar lay on my lap and some time later she fell asleep.
Finally she slept normally after months. I can hear her deep breath it relaxes me knowing that she feels better.
Almost fourty minutes later i heard baby crying and i didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to wake Skylar up.
I can't let baby cry. If i move Skylar will wake up. Fuck!
Eventually Skylar heard the crying too and stood up like a hurricane.
She rushed to the room and i followed her. She arrived earlier than i did.
As soon as i arrived the door i saw Skylar been upon Ariel's head with her hair shaking her gently to reassure her and help her sleep.
I heard her starting to sing a song to lull her to sleep.
You are just too young to find the
Senses in your life
Looking for something else like the
Dream that you have
Filled your life with something
Else like teardrop in your eyes...
I didn't want to interrupt this moment.
A realisation came to my mind.
This song was her sister's favourite to play on the piano.
...You are not a fool no
You are the beautiful one
You are like the sun
'Cause this one river flows in you
You are not thе no one
You just look for more herе
Who does care because you are the one with it inside...
This song is so relaxing, the meaningful lyrics, the beautiful melody makes this song perfect
...Looking for something else like you dream
Filled your life with someone else like teardrops in your eyes
Who does care what you are
While the river flows in you.
When the singing ended, the baby was already asleep.
She was about to leave the room and when she has her head up, saw me standing outside of the door and gave me a smile.
That was the most real smile she offered me the past months.
I'm so proud of her.
One hour later Slash and Raquelle came to take the baby back home and we told them to bring her to us more often.
After that we fell asleep.
It was the first time we slept normally after everything happened. This sleep was so peaceful.
April 3rd 1994
In the morning of March 23rd i woke up in my bed with shap pains in my stomach.
That's not gonna turn out being positive.
Pain was nothing new to me, nor the sickening feeling of things going wrong with my body especially the past three months.
Every day i made sure i had a vodka bottle sitting next to my bed when i woke up.
I tried to quit drinking in 1992, but started again with vengeance after only a few weeks. I just could not stop. I was too far gone.
My body couldn't take the full assault of alcohol without bitching back at me.
My septum had burned through from coke and my nose run like continuously like a leaky faucet in a neglected men's room urinal.
The skin on my hands and feet cracked, and i had boils on my face and neck. I had to wear bandages under my gloves in order to be able to play my bass.
But this kind of pain was different.
This pain was unimaginable like someone taking a dull knife and twisting it in my guts.
The pain was so intense I couldn't make it to the edge of bed to call Skylar or 911.
I was frozen in pain and fear, whimpering.
There i was, semi naked on my bed, inside the house i had bought with the hopes of one day having a family of my own to fill it.
Never before in my life I wanted someone to kill me, but i was in such pain i just hoped to be put out of my misery.
Then i heard footsteps on the stairs. Skylar was back.
"Duff are you here?" I heard Skylar calling me
"I'm in our bedroom" I wanted to answer but i couldn't. I only could silently sob.
I heard her approaching the bedroom
She opened the door.
I guessed it was the time i would die in her arms.
She freaked out seeing me like this.
I know she knew that this was coming.
She pulled some sweats on me and began to try to move me.
She tried to keep her calmness.
I don't know how he managed to carry a 200 pounds man to her car.
As she carried me to the car the searing, stabbing pain in my intestines spread farther down to my quadriceps and around to my lower back.
I just wanted to die.
She took me to the doctor i used to visit when i was kid.
Doctor Brad Thomas and Skylar carried me to his first-floor office.
The administrated me medicine over and over again but the pain never left not even for a second
The rushed me to the emergency room in another hospital.
Doctor told Skylar to drive me there as it would be faster that waiting for an ambulance.
He said he was going to meet us there.
Skylar drove as fast as she could.
Every little movement made me cry.
As they put an IV drip into my left arm at the hospital the staff asked me questions i couldn't answer.
Name?addres? how much do you drink on a daily basis? are you on drugs right now?
I was mute from pain, morphine wasn't working as i knew it should.
They wheeled me into a room next to another guy.
"I broke my back, i'm glad i dont have whatever you have" he told me.
Doctor Thomas and an ultrasound technician ran a scanner over my organs and i saw doctor's face go white.
My pancreas, apparently swollen to the size of a football had burst.
I had third-degree burns all over the inside of my body from digesting enzymes released by the damaged pancreas.
A surgeon with thick glasses explained the surgery.
They had to take out the top part of the pancreas -cut it off. Sew me back up.
And then I'd have to be on dialysis for the rest of my life.
Skylar never left my mind. I was thinking of her and how will she continue living if i die.
I took on my hand and looked at the necklace she gave me
"You're My Hero" was written upon it.
I can't leave her like that. She's my hero too. I must fight and win for her.
Suddenly i understood the pleading mouthed by miserable souls back to antiquity, those left breathing after being run through with rusty sword or scalded with hoy oil. I was there.
I summoned all my power to whisper to tyr the ER doctor.
"Kill me"
I begged over and over again.
"Please kill me. Just kill me. Kill me. "
(Duff's Book, It's So Easy And Other Lies, first pages)
April 4th 1994
Through Skylar's Eyes
I'm still trying to get well after what happened to Duff. I was about to lose him.
He never believed that he will reach thirty years. He was living the life. And he was right. Almost two months after his 30th birthday he almost died.
I feel much more better now. Time is actually a doctor.
But today i feel something will happen, something that will not be good for everyone.
I'm home alone getting ready to sleep. It's half hour after midnight.
I lay on the bed hugging Duff's pillow which smells like him, to feel him here and help me to sleep.
I saw my sister Ariel sitting beside me on the bed caressing my hair. But I wasn't awake, i was still sleeping...
Hey Skylar it's me Ariel again
It's been a long time since we last communicated. I missed you.
I saw what happened to you the past year and everything goes the way it was meant to happen.
I am not talking bullshits, i know exactly what i am saying.
Before i reveal you the real reason why i came to talk to you i have to tell you something else.
Dad will rott inside the prison until he gets old and betrayed by his heart. The man who was driving this car will rott in prison too. He will do an attempt to kill dad but in the end he's the one who ends up the dead by our father.
I wanted you to know that because i don't want you to be afraid of him.
Now! The first and last reason why i visited you tonight is to take you with me.
This is the very last time i visit you because soon we will be together again.
This is your last day on earth. At night we will reconnect.
Don't be scared, i always take care of you, especially now i am not gonna leave you.
Since you were born there was an aim. A purpose you didn't set and you didn't know it existed.
There is meaning behind every single thing that happened to our lives.
The purpose of your existence was to save Duff. His life isn't over yet, he will live for many years.
After your death he will manage to overcome all of his addictions, he will create his own family with a woman he will love forever and they will never separate to the last day of his life.
Don't be jealous he will never forget you not even for a second. You will always live in his heart and thoughts.
He will be heartbroken for long time. He will never get over your death but for you he will try his best to make you proud.
You were sent to him as his angel to save his life and then disappear.
It was meant for you to meet Duff to save him from death.
In the evening you will goodbye Duff for the last time and Raquelle, then you will write a letter explaining everything and then i will come to take you with me.
It will seem like a suicide but it was meant to happen on April 5 1994.
Until we meet again...