It's been exactly 29 days since I last went back in time. I don't know why I haven't. At first I thought it was just taking a minute for me to go back, but no I don't think I'll ever go back at this rate. I came back trying to find a way to stay here in the present yet I found nothing and I'm in the present anyway.
The first couple weeks were hard. I cried so much because I was never going to see Haerin again. I was never going to see the girl I've grown so fond of. I don't know how to live without her anymore, but I have been. It fucking sucks. No matter what I do I can't go back. I want to go back. I could still see all of Heesoo's entries almost like they were in real time. The diary that once was evaded of mentions of me was now slam full about me.
I refused to read them because of how heartbreaking it was. Heesoo would write about Haerin and the other girls hurting because they feel like I'm gone. One in particular made me sob for hours.
March 11, 1998
Today was the worst day for Haerin since Minji left. I found her at the park at midnight sobbing into the jacket Minji gave her several weeks ago. I tried to take her home but she refused. I've never seen her this sad before. Hanbi came eventually and we both stayed with her until the next day when she finally fell asleep. We did however have to call Jungwon to come get her to carry her home. I cried a lot that night too. I'm done trying to help and get to know her. I won't let her sit around and hurt my friends. I've tried over and over again and I'm tired of it. Honestly I hope I never see her again so we can all move on.
Heesoo
I stopped reading her entries after that one. It hurt too much. They have every reason to be upset with me and I absolutely hate that I'm making Haerin go through this. She doesn't deserve this. I know past Minji don't owe me anything, but I just wish she would at least give them closure.
Recently I've been doing okay. I've finally accepted that I'm most likely not going back and that's for the best. Everyone should be able to live their lives like they were supposed to. I belong here—and they belong there. Every now and then I'll cry though. I'll cry until I'm almost throwing up thinking about what I did to Haerin and them. How I just left her there after we told each other how we really feel. How I hurt her so deeply. How if I ever do go back I know she'll hate me.
I can't dwell on the past though. I have to move on for my sake. It would have never worked out anyway. We couldn't be together. I felt Hanni place her hand lovingly on my face pulling me out of my sad thoughts.
"It'll be okay Minji, you'll get over it eventually." I told Hanni, not about the time traveling but about Haerin. I told her something that I realized way too late. I told her that I thought I loved her even though we were only together for a short period. I told her that I loved Haerin and we couldn't be together because she moved away. It was a lie, but I couldn't exactly tell her the truth.
Hanni took the news horribly at first. I know she feels deeply for me and I love her. I really do. I just know now it's not the same as what I felt for Haerin. At least I don't think it was. You can't be in love with two people at the same time. It doesn't make sense. She was upset—angry that I led her to believe there was a chance. However we are still best friends and I do love her so I didn't let her run away from me this time.
"I know. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did." Hanni nodded, giving me a comforting smile as she caressed my cheek. I leaned into her touch playing with the button of her school blazar. "I'm sorry for what I did to you." The Vietnamese girl seemed shocked by my words. I never bring this up so it's understandable.
"Can we not talk about this?" Hanni removed her hand from my face getting up from her bed and leaned against her bedroom wall.
"Han, I need you to know that I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't mean to upset you—to hurt you." I get up walking so I'm standing in front of the smaller girl.
"Minji you've already apologized, you don't have to keep doing it." She frowned looking down to the carpet covered floor.
"I know but it was wrong I shouldn't have led you on like that. I should have told you from the beginning that there was someone else." Hanni looked up with a pained expression on her face making my heart hurt even worse than it was earlier.
"Did you ever like me? Did you ever at one point in time think there was a chance for us?" I sighed, closing my eyes. There was a time before I went back where I thought Hanni and I would end up together. Everyone around us always said we were going to get married and grow old together and I believed them, until Haerin came along.
"Yes." I don't want to lie to her anymore and I want us to be friends like how we used to be without all the hurt and suffering. Hanni laughed, but not her hearty adorable laugh, a sad one.
"This fucking sucks." I grabbed Hanni by the waist pulling her into my embrace. I'm probably crushing her, but I want to hold her—to be close to her. She tried to pull away, but I just held her closer to my chest.
"Hanni I'm so sorry I know I'm always apologizing to you, but it hurts seeing you upset." Hanni finally wraps her arms around me, hugging me back, making me relax a bit. I'm always relaxed when Hanni and I touch.
"I forgive you Minji. You can't help who you fall for, it just sucks that it wasn't me." I nod feeling tears leave my eyes. I wish it was Hanni. I wish I would have just let Hanni love me then everybody would be okay. No one would be hurting.
After that conversation Hanni and I did homework together. My grades have been going up so that's a plus. I honestly don't deserve a friend like Hanni. She takes time out of her day everyday to help me catch up with work that I gave up on during my time traveling. I looked at my watch seeing that it's getting close to dinner time so I packed up my things getting ready to leave.
"Aren't you going to stay for dinner?" Hanni asked, stopping me from packing my things.
"Oh I don't know, I probably shouldn't today. I don't want to bother your mom." It's more like I don't want to see her mom. It reminds me of what I lost. Who I lost.
"No, you haven't stayed for dinner in forever and my mom misses you. You know that she thinks of you like her daughter. I mean she probably even loves you more than me." I sigh, setting my bag back down. It would probably be rude not to stay since she asked.
"Okay I'll stay." Hanni smiles big, dragging me out to the kitchen where Mrs. Pham was cooking.
"Mama Minji is staying for dinner, is that okay?" The older lady whipped her head back in surprise, giving me a big smile that was identical to Hanni's.
"Of course she can stay! My baby hasn't been here in so long!" She runs up to me engulfing me in a hug before going back to the stove stirring whatever is in that pot. I know this is Hanbi, but they are different from each other. Young Hanbi is ferocious, child-like, just all around crazy. Mrs. Pham is loving, caring, and also pretty crazy.
"Thanks Mrs. Pham." I said as Hanni and I went into the dining room attached to the kitchen. After a while of us chatting the older lady brought in the food sitting down as we ate in silence for a bit.
"I visited your mothers grave recently." I almost choked on my food at Mrs. Pham's words. She never really talks about my mom. Every once and a while she'll mention her, but not as a topic of conversation. They were once best friends that drifted apart. I wish I knew the reason. She doesn't know that I know they were close. Well she knew I knew they were friends, but not that they were best friends and what happened to their group of friends.
"Oh. I haven't been yet." I haven't been there since the funeral. I just couldn't bring myself to.
"Have you guys cleaned out her stuff?" I just shake my head while I chew the delicious food.
"No, my dad refuses to even look in the closet. He just now is starting to open up about her and his feelings about her death." Mrs. Pham hums with a small frown on her face.
"You're dad is a good man Minji. He loved your mom a lot." I smile not knowing what to say to that. Why is she bringing this up right now? After a couple seconds of silence my curiosity took over me.
"Why did you and my mom stop being friends?" Mrs. Pham seemed startled by my question. Is that being too invasive? I mean it's not really any of my business. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry, it's none of my business." I try to wave her off so she knows she doesn't have to tell me.
"No, it's fine. Your mom and some of our friends from our childhood got into a bad accident. After that she changed and she didn't want to be around anyone for a while so naturally we drifted apart and then she moved away." Mrs. Pham gave me a smile, however, it did seem forced.
"I heard about the accident from my dad. He said they all died, but I thought you were in the car with them?" I could see tears start brimming in her eyes. Damn it I shouldn't have brought it up.
"No—I was sick that day so my mom didn't let me go. They were going on a camping trip during winter break. Heesoo was the only one that survived." I felt my own eyes tearing up, imagining my mom watching all her friends die. The survivor guilt she must have felt—I just can't imagine. I remember reading in my mom's diary that Haerin comforted her as she was dying. I felt my throat close, imagining Haerin die. She is dead. She's dead. It's honestly a miracle that my mother survived.
"How? How was she able to live when everyone else died? It just doesn't make any sense." I feel myself getting frustrated thinking about it. Why did none of them survive and my mom did? Mrs. Pham just shook her head shrugging her shoulders.
"When the police found her all I know was that she was mumbling about someone saving her. She kept calling out a girl's name that we used to be friends with, but it didn't make sense, since we hadn't seen her in a long time. In fact she named you after that girl." I felt my world stop. It was like all the weight of the earth was crashing onto me and I couldn't breathe. Minji saved her? Past Minji saved my mom? "In fact you look so much like her it's astonishing. It's crazy how much you look like her." Mrs. Pham seemed to be in deep thought for a moment before she shook her head laughing before going back to eating.
"That's crazy how come you never told us this!" Hanni spoke for the first time with a shocked expression on her face. So she didn't know anything about the accident apparently. Mrs. Pham just shrugged saying she had no reason to.
"What happened to the girl that saved her?" Mrs. Pham seemed to think for a moment before she responded.
"I don't know honestly. I still don't know if it was true or she was just being delusional or in shock about the accident. This girl would always come and go. She went on vacations a lot. I think that's why she got pulled out of school so her family could go on more vacations." Mrs. Pham gives me a small smile urging me to eat my food before it gets cold. As I stuff myself with food all I can think about is that Mrs. Pham may remember me in a sense. Did my time traveling alter the future, but if it did nothing really has changed in fact nothing has changed at all besides my mom's diary.
"Thanks for sharing this with me."
"No problem sweetie. I know your mom was a closed off person and didn't really like to talk about her past so if you ever want to talk you can come to me." I look over at the older woman giving her a smile.
"Thank you."
-
I walked home from the Pham residence with lots of thoughts circulating in my head. The main one was the fact that Minji—well past Minji—was the one to save my mom. How did she know to save her if she wasn't going with them? Hell she refused to even get to know them when we were switching back and forth. I'm starting to think I hallucinated all of this. The only way I know I didn't is because of my mothers diary that was now in my possession. I wish I could still talk to her. Maybe then we could communicate back and forth about what's been going on in the past.
-
March 31, 1998
It's been an entire month without seeing Minji. I'm starting to think she just moved away without telling anyone. She would be the type to do that. I know I talked about wishing her away earlier, but I was just angry about what she did to me, to Haerin, to all of us. I want her to come back. I miss her. Haerin has completely closed herself off. She hasn't talked in weeks, only to Jungwon. It's starting to worry me. I wish she would come back if not for us then for Haerin. I hate seeing her like this.
Heesoo