MOM AND DAD disappear right before the escort dance, so Jeremiah goes to find them. I can't help but notice that when he gets back, there's a strange look on his face. He looks thoughtful, and that's when I first notice that something's wrong.
Before I can think more about it, the escort dance starts which causes laughter and cheers from the crowd. I find myself laughing more than once as Jeremiah catches my eyes and makes silly expressions at me.
At the end, though, I notice him looking upset. I have no idea what to do about that.
For about half an hour, we're all sitting around the table laughing and joking and just having fun. When we get up to dance with our escorts, Adrian and I get into position. I glance over and find Belly standing there but no Jeremiah in sight.
My eyebrows furrow and I start looking around to catch a glimpse of curly blonde hair, but I can't. He's not here.
I keep waiting, but he doesn't show up.
"Shit," I mutter under my breath. Looking up at Adrian, I send him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry."
He just smiles and nods to the exit door. I smile back and then pick my dress up so it's easier to move. Quickly walking around, I start looking for Jeremiah. Once I'm sure he's not inside, I step outside, the cool summer breeze making me feel light on my feet.
I look to my left and then to my right but don't spot him. Walking down the stairs and around the side of the building to the pool, I suddenly see a hunched figure sitting on some steps. Even in the dark, I can recognize that body anywhere.
I start making my way over to him and then freeze. His shoulders are shaking. His head is hanging limply, one of his hands holding it up.
He's crying.
Immediately, I walk closer just as he lets out a soft sob. My heart clenches. I reach out my hand to touch his back as I sit down beside him. His head shoots to the side to stare at me. There's red in his eyes where the white should be, and the blue in his irises has turned so sad that I don't think I've ever seen him like this before.
"What happened?" I ask quietly, hoping my voice sounds calm even though that's the last thing I'm feeling right now.
I keep rubbing his back reassuringly as he looks down at his hands and holds out a phone. I notice that it's Susannah's.
Confused, I take the phone from him and look at the email that is open on the screen.
And my heart drops.
And my breath falls short.
And it feels as if someone tore open my chest and took out my heart, squeezing it over and over and over until there was nothing left.
On the subject line of the email, are the words Re: Upcoming Cancer Trials.
I can't stop the sob from leaving my chest. I feel like screaming. I feel like throwing something.
How the fuck had I not noticed? That Susannah had started getting more tired, that she had been sleeping more, that something wasn't fucking right.
Turning my body, without thinking, I wrap my arms around Jeremiah and hug him as tightly as I possibly can. I hug him with everything in me because I can't even imagine what he must be going through right now.
"I'm sorry," I sob into his chest. "I'm so sorry."
My tears start soaking his blazer as his arms come up around my waist and hold me closer to him. He hides his face in the crook of my neck, his nose against the spot where my shoulder meets my neck.
We stay like that for who knows how long. Silently sobbing into one another, holding each other tightly, our bodies flush together. My hands move into his hair, fingers intertwining with his curls and pulling him even closer to me. His arms tighten around my back once more before I lean my head away to look at him.
His eyes are even more swollen than before, and a fresh set of hot tears roll down my cheeks at the sight. My hand moves to cup his cheek, my thumb swiping his cheeks softly to get rid of the tears.
"Jere..." I breathe, getting even closer so that our noses are brushing.
"I..." he croaks out, his voice raw from the crying. "I didn't fucking know."
I swallow hard. "I didn't either." I wipe away another tear. "It's not your fault, Jere. Don't feel bad."
"I do. I do feel bad. Fuck."
He clamps his eyes shut, his head leaning down so that his forehead touches my temple and his lips brush my jaw. I hold him close to me.
"Susannah is going to be fine. She's going to be fine, she's going to do the trials, and she's going to be fine. We can't lose hope, okay?"
I don't know how comforting I am with my shaky voice and snot running from my nose, but Jeremiah hugs me tightly and somehow I know that he's coming to terms with the fact that Susannah's cancer is back.
He pulls away with a sniffle, and I shoot him a watery smile. The corners of his mouth lift in a tiny smile as he brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear and stares down at me.
Exhaling, I caress his cheek once more and then move to get up. Jeremiah lets out a soft whimper, and I swear I can't breathe in that moment.
I smile down at him and hold out my hand. "Come on, let's go inside. Everyone's waiting for us. Let's hold back on this just until the ball is over, okay?"
He nods, sliding his palm over mine. Subconsciously, I let out a content sigh. He gets up, with zero help from my muscles, and intertwines our fingers together.
We walk hand in hand back to the main hall, and even with an added weight on both of our shoulders, the air between us seems sort of lighter.
The dance is almost over as we walk in and head back to our table.
Susannah looks over at us. "Kids, where were you?"
Jeremiah and I share a look before he opens his mouth. "I ate something. I think maybe the shrimp was bad. Dani came out to find me."
I'm surprised she doesn't notice both of our bloodshot eyes, but I'm glad she doesn't.
"Oh no, honey, I'm so sorry. You know, the caterer is gonna be hearing from me."
We turn back to watch the rest of the dance, but I can't focus on it. Adrian shoots me a concerned look and I just shake my head at him. My hand is still in Jeremiah's as we both stand there with our eyes on the dance but not really watching it at all.
"I'll be right back," Jeremiah says out of the blue when the dance ends. I send him a confused glance, but he doesn't look at me.
"Oh no, honey, are you going to be sick again?" Susannah asks worriedly. "Where is that ginger ale? I'm going to get you one from the bar."
She gets up and starts walking away. Jeremiah's face is serious and he doesn't even look at me before he starts walking up to Conrad and Belly. Not sure whether or not I should follow him, I do it anyway because doing stupid things is what I'm known for.
I reach the three of them just seconds after Jeremiah gets there.
"Conrad," he starts. "We need to talk, all right? It's important. It's about Mom. I found something out."
Holding my breath, I look over at Conrad who has a hesitant look on his face.
"Um...yeah...We'll—we'll talk about this later, okay?"
"No, it's important," Jeremiah insists.
"It's okay." Conrad lifts his hand and touches Jeremiah's chest.
And suddenly I know. And I know Jeremiah knows.
"You already know, don't you?" Jeremiah confirms my suspicion. "You've known this whole fucking time and didn't tell me?"
He starts getting mad, and I set my hand on his chest as if that'll stop him from doing something stupid.
"Jere..."
Then my hand is off of him because he lunges forward as his fist connects with Conrad's jaw.
I gasp, holding my hands to my mouth. They start fighting each other, and Belly runs over to me with a horrified look in her eye.
"Stop fighting," I try to say, but neither of them pays me any attention.
Susannah suddenly appears and demands, "Stop it. Both of you, stop it."
They get off one another and get up. I turn to see a furious look on Susannah's face.
"What is going on?"
"Mom..." Jeremiah can't even finish because his voice cracks.
"We know, Mom," Conrad finishes for him quietly. "We both know."
A sadness falls heavily on each of our shoulders, far too much to even start getting rid of. Just the thought of never seeing Susannah again, never hearing her voice again. It's too much.
I inch towards Jeremiah and reach between us to grab his hand. I give it a squeeze, and even though neither of us looks at the other, he squeezes back.
"Know what?" Belly asks, looking between us.
With my other hand, I rest it on her shoulder.
We all fall silent.
✧ ✦ ✧
IT IS NEARLY two in the morning. Belly, Steven, Mom, and I talked earlier and laid in bed, all of us bawling our eyes out. We just held onto each other, our tears soaking the pillows, as all our pain and sadness became one.
It was probably the most I've cried in my entire life.
Now, I'm lying in bed unable to fall asleep. I keep tossing and turning and thinking about Susannah and Jeremiah and Conrad and Belly and Steven and Mom.
What if something really does happen to Susannah? What if this is the last summer?
I swallow hard, another set of tears starting to itch their way into my throat. Getting up off the bed, I head to the door to go outside and try to organize my thoughts. As I leave my room, I look across the hallway and see a light coming from someone's room.
Jeremiah's room.
I hesitate for only a second before my feet find themselves moving. Before I know it, I'm right in front of the door and my hand is lifted and knocking on it lightly.
It takes a minute, but the door opens to reveal a heartbroken Jeremiah Fisher.
We stare at each other for a moment. I observe the bags under his eyes, his swollen and bloodshot eyes, the melancholy look on his face.
"Can't sleep," I all but whisper in the silence of the quiet house.
He looks down. "Me neither."
Without saying anything, he moves to the side of his door in a gesture that I know means he's inviting me into his room. For the first time in two years.
I walk in and notice that almost everything is exactly as it was before. There are a few new posters on the wall, and his desk is in a different spot, and his vinyl shelf has moved across the room, but it's still everything Jeremiah. His scent is prominent, and his room feels safe.
As it always has.
Wordlessly, we both get into his bed and Jeremiah turns off the lamp. We face each other but aren't touching. Jeremiah pulls the blanket over us, and I dig my head into the pillow. We watch each other for a long, long time.
Out of nowhere, I hear a sniffle from the other side of the bed. A lump starts to form in my throat at the sound. Even in the dark, I can see the single tear sliding down his cheek. Reaching forward, my thumb brushes away the stray tear, and Jeremiah wraps his arm around my waist to pull me into his chest.
He leans down and presses his forehead to mine, his breath warm against my face. I put my arms around his torso and lean even closer into him.
It's silent for a minute before he whispers against my cheek, "I'm sorry."
I look over his face. "For what?"
His bright blue eyes stare into mine. "For everything."
For a beat, I don't say anything. My hand is still on his face and I move my thumb back and forth across his cheek.
"I'm sorry too," I tell him quietly. I feel his arms around me tighten. "I should never have chosen him over you," I continue, wanting to get it all out there. "You're my best friend, you always were. I'm so fucking stupid—"
"Shut up."
His mouth moves over my face, his lips softly touching the top of my cheekbone, right below my eyes. We're quiet for a second, just holding each other.
"Can we go back to how we used to be?" I whisper hesitantly.
I watch him frown and shake his head slightly.
"I don't want to be friends."
Mirroring his frown, I blink and then tilt my head down.
"Oh."
I should've known things couldn't go back to the way they were. Of course, they couldn't. I fucked up, and Jeremiah is probably only being nice to me because he needs someone right now.
I feel a finger underneath my chin pulling my head up. Our eyes meet, and I notice one side of this mouth tilted up just the tiniest bit.
He closes his eyes and sighs as he brings me closer into him still.
"I don't want to be just friends."
Oh.
I freeze for a second. I'm quiet for a long moment, mulling this over in my head.
By the time I open my mouth to say something back, I hear his breathing soft and steady.
𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 !
1. more. chapter.
question: what is your absolute favorite trope that you can read over and over and what are your favorite books with that trope? (on wattpad or real paperback books)
mine is definitely enemies to lovers and my fav book is from lukov with love by mariana zapata (aka one of my fav authors of all time). it's a sports romance about ice skating and it's so freaking good i cannot.
i'm also a huge fan of "she fell first but he fell harder" and rn i'm reading hands down by mz which does SUCH a good job at this trope like literally