“Let’s begin from the very, very start. How about that? And I’m going to tell you everything, Harry. So I need you to be patient with me, because I’ve never done this before, and I am very, very afraid that once I have poured out my story you will push me out of that door, so please, be patient with me.” Zayn spoke up, as if giving himself and Harry the guidelines to what was about to follow. The two boys were tucked up in Harry’s bed. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do, it was just them, and that gave Zayn some comfort as he prepared his words. Harry edged his body towards Zayn’s once again, their faces inches away from each other.
“I’d never judge you, Z.” the words rolled from Harry’s lips, and Zayn looked at him gratefully, before he leaned into the older boy and placed a soft kiss on Harry’s lips, before returning his head to where it had been.
“It started when I was young. I was thirteen, and so far my life had been happy, but that was the year my Mum had been working a lot, like she was at the point where she was staying at work all night and day, I’d barely see her and when I did she looked rough. I told her she needed a break, and she agreed…although she left work for a week or two, but never went back. With the lack of work she turned to pills, and that led to her hypochondriac behaviour and her depression. She’d stay in bed all day, and it was scary. She even used to cut herself. When was fifteen, I had to make a game out of collecting the knives from around of the house or any other sharp objects so she wouldn’t cause herself harm. I had to get my younger sisters to collect knives from around the house. It was disgusting.
Because of my Mother’s illness, if that’s what it can even be classed as, my Dad got very stressed. His work was doing the opposite of Mum’s, and he was on the edge of redundancy. The stress of it caused him to drink, something he had never done before, because of his anger problems. And this one night, it was the night that sparked everything else off…he came home and I was in the bathroom and he just barged in, and he stunk of alcohol, he was tall compared to me, I was this scrawny little thirteen year old, there wasn’t even a chance of me being able to fight back, he just yelled a bunch of drunken stuff at me, and he picked me up by the scruff of my neck like some sort of animal and lunged me into the large bathroom mirror. After that he just left. He left my lying on the floor, shattered glass leaving cuts all over my skin, blood coming from cuts that were everywhere. I sat in that bathroom until midnight trying to patch myself up that night. It’s left me with scars that I’m going to carry around with me all my life. But, rather me than my sisters.
That’s the other thing…I’ve been bringing up my two younger sisters. With my Mum in her condition and my Dad like he is, I was the only one who could take care of them. I had to make sure they were washed, fed, clothed, and they got to school safely. That’s why I had so many late marks at school, I had to sneak out of classes to go and pick them up, I even snuck out of an exam to pick them up. I spent my teenage years with people at school thinking I’m some bad ass, who skips school, but really I was bringing up Waliyha and Safaa. I was the only one there for them, they’re too young to understand what happens at home. They couldn’t start to possibly understand the sacrifices that I have made for them. I’ve had to steal money to keep them fed. I can’t get a job, I couldn’t stay out of school, and I cant take them out of school either. I’d rather die then cut off their right to education. I want to see them go to university and live good lives. I’d do anything for them both to end up as teachers or lawyers, something beneficial with their lives. They’re such clever girls, if it wasn’t for them; God knows where I would be now.
So that’s how I grew up, keeping pills out of my mother’s mouth and putting food into my sisters’. Of course I met Niall and Liam at high school. They’re my best friends, and again, without them I don’t know what I would be doing right now. Liam, as crazy as it sounds, is the Dad I’ve always wanted. Liam is always there to make sure I’m okay, to keep me in track, to make sure I do homework, he makes sure I go to lessons, and even though we’ve had a bit of scraps and fall outs, nothing serious. The poor bloke’s had to put up with me as a friend, he’d be better off without me, hell, everyone would be better off without me, but still, he’s there, no matter what, and I love him for that.
Then there’s Niall, my little leprechaun. The pain I have caused him over the years is unbearable. You see, Harry, Niall had feelings for me, and he never told me, he just kept hinting it. He tried to impress me. The more I look back and think about it, the more I realise what he’s done. I mean yes, there were the normal things like saving me a seat at lunch or something, but he’d force himself to smoke as a way of trying to make us bond, even though he hated smoking. He’d hold my hand, he’d listen to whatever I’d say, he was just constantly there, but he was there because he loved me, not because I was in trouble or pain. I never knew all of this, I should have picked up on it, should have looked after him better. I never looked after him like I should have, I never treated him with the respect he needed from me. Everything is out in the open now, and he and Liam have actually gotten feelings for each other, but still, I fucked a lot of stuff up for him.
I guess, that brings me onto Alex Johnson. The kid you beat up last night, that’s Alex. He’s a drug dealer, and I heard he had really good connections. I needed money, my Dad was finding out that I had been taking his money, so I had to do something to keep the girls fed and clothed. I started working for Alex. I was a runner. I was practically a pizza delivery boy, but with drugs instead of pizza. At first it went well, I was getting more money out of these customers than Alex asked for, so I could take some of the profit and then Alex would pay me on top of that. I was getting good money, and my sisters were getting on fine. But, the money wasn’t enough. I went to Alex and asked for more money, and he said that if I wanted more, then I had to earn it. That’s when I started having sex with Alex. I didn’t really care what he was doing, because my body went through so much because at every other chance my Dad got he beat me up, so I didn’t really care if Alex was throwing me around like a toy. It was just money to me, that’s all I thought of it as. Then I met you. and it wasn’t just meaningless sex and money, it was something I really didn’t want to do, but everytime I snapped at Alex, it would cause him to snap…that’s probably why I have a black eye. I never realised how cruel he was, he’s a sick, twisted bastard, Harry. He was threatening that if I didn’t do as he wanted, he would hurt Niall, Liam, and my sisters. So I had to keep going. I didn’t want too, but I’m not putting other people in danger, not with someone as dangerous as Alex.
That night when he took photos of my bruises was a warning. It was a warning that if I didn’t start doing what he wanted more, he was going to do worse than that. I hated myself on that night because of…you know that day when I came in school and passed out in front of you? When I had to get my arm in a cast? That was my Dad. My Dad had hit me a few nights before, so when I did some work for Alex that night, Alex wouldn’t give me the money, then he threatened that he would get my sisters, he pushed me to the ground and then told me to get lost. I was so scared I felt almost like I was in a completely different mindset. I was so paranoid that I checked my sister’s bedroom window was locked that night. You don’t know how it feels when you don’t know if your own sisters are being watched. I came home that night, checked the window and went to my own room. I was tired and petrified. I was so deep in thought, that I never…I never heard him come up the stairs…” Zayn finally took a break in his story when his breath started to hitch, as he relieved that night, fully conscious. He felt Harry hold him protectively. Harry had been so supportive; he just kept listening and listening, but more importantly, he stayed. Harry’s thumb gently rubbed circles into Zayn’s hands.
“Keep going, be strong, you can do this.” Harry whispered, before placing a kiss on Zayn’s hand. Zayn nodded, and started again.
“He came up the stairs, and in my room. Before I had any chance of fighting back or even realising what he was doing, he opened my window and pushed me out of it. I fell from my window onto the conservatory, slide off from that and landed in the garden. It practically knocked me out unconscious. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I thought that if I died, who would take care of Safaa and Waliyha? I didn’t realise what had actually happened to me until I woke up in your classroom, and you were there. I’ve had nightmares ever since. That’s what the nightmare was about last night. My own Father threw me out of a window, and nearly made me break an arm. Carrying that around with you…that’s a lot to put on your shoulders.” Zayn’s voice cracked, and he didn’t realise that there were tears coming from his eyes until he had watched Harry lean over and kiss them away.
“Oh Z, so much has happened to you, why does it happen to you? Why?” Harry suddenly cried, before tears started to pour down his face, and Harry flew to the crook of Zayn’s neck and shook as he cried. Zayn held him and let out all of the tears that he had been holding up inside, and for a few minutes, the boys drained themselves of tears, before Harry looked up at Zayn with watery green eyes.
“I don’t want this to happen to you anymore, this isn’t fair!” Harry cried, before holding onto Zayn tightly, as if he was going to slip into mid air. Zayn held onto him, extremely confused as to why Harry was crying.
“Harry, why are you upset?” Zayn asked, his tone coming out more blunt than it was supposed to be. Harry looked up at him as if he was being stupid.
“How can I not be upset? The one person who I should have been protecting has been stuck in a world of hurt and lies and pain, I should of done something, I should of let you live here, you have to live here, please, bring your sisters and live with me, I can’t have you out on the street having sex for money, I can’t take it!” Harry wailed and cried into Zayn’s chest, and Zayn sighed as he kissed the masses of chocolate brown curls that came from his lover’s head.
“I can’t live with you Harry. I want too, I really, really want too. But I can’t.” Zayn sighed sadly, and Harry looked up at him with sad eyes.
“Why, Zayn? Because I’m your teacher? Like that matters, I’ll buy you and the girls’ a house if I have too!” Harry went on, sitting up in the bed and throwing his arms around in emotional outrage.
“No, not that Harry…there’s still another thing to tell you.” Zayn said, as he laid out in Harry’s bed and looked up at him, unashamedly admiring Harry’s toned abs and biceps. And the few little tattoos that went up the sides of his arms, for that matter…Harry’s face fell and he looked down at Zayn, quickly linking their hands together once more.
“What is it, Z?” Harry almost whispered for some reason. Zayn’s thumb was stroking Harry’s, and Zayn was looking down at their hands lovingly.
“My Mum is almost five months pregnant. There’s going to be another baby, I have to be there to look after they’re born.” Zayn sighed sadly. The baby that was expected was the cherry on top of all of his problems. It was causing extra stress, worries and money demands. Harry looked at Zayn in shock, but his face fell and so did his tense torso. Zayn’s eyes drifted from Harry’s body and back up to Harry’s face again.
“I’m sorry Hazz, I have to be there for the new baby. I don’t know how Mum will cope with it being the way that she is.” Zayn whispered, before he leaned up and wrapped his arm around Harry’s torso and slowly brought Harry’s body down on top of his.
“I understand, Zayn. But we have to do something about all of this. I won’t be able to live if something happened to you.” Harry whispered into Zayn’s neck, and Zayn couldn’t help but gulp as he looked up at Harry’s ceiling, a horrible voice at the back of his head telling him that if something happened to him, he wouldn’t live through it either.