I don't think I've taken a breath for the thirty-two seconds I've been standing here.
My eyes are just locked on to Rosé and she was staring back at me for the four seconds that followed me opening the door, but now she's looking down at the floor, apparently finding her white Chucks much more interesting than me. Or rather she doesn't know what to say to me and I understand that because I'm not quite sure what to say either; but I'm very aware that Jisoo's standing right in front of me, obviously seeing what's going on and I falter, forgetting the right etiquette for answering a damn door.
"Are you gonna let us in or shall I shut the door and we can knock again?" Jisoo quips and I'm broken from my daze, making eye contact with my other friend.
"Oh, yeah, sorry," I mumble and stand aside, letting them through.
My entire body tenses when Rosé makes her way in, wringing her hands nervously in front of her and biting her lip, and I make a point not to breathe even now because I know exactly how she smells and it's intoxicating. Plus it'll make me think about last night and well, not appropriate.
So she just brushes past me and I shut the door, following her into the living room and trying not to think about how even though she looks beautiful naked, with jeans and a t-shirt on, she looks beautiful, too. It's like someone just gave me glasses and now I can see clearly. Damn it.
"Where are you baby?" Jisoo half-yells and I see Stella poke her head over the top of the sofa, widening with excitement as she spots her mom.
"Here, mommy!" Stella shouts back, jumping down from the sofa with an audible thump and sprinting toward Jisoo, jumping into her arms when she gets there.
I just stand awkwardly next to Rosé, not knowing what to say or do because now I'm sort of left alone with her. Well not alone, but Rosé and I are about five steps from the door and Jisoo and Stella are in the living room so yeah, that totally counts as alone.
"So, Rosie?"
The blonde beside me lifts her head. "Yeah?"
"You're okay with looking after Stella now?"
Ah. I was wondering why Rosé was here. Not that I didn't want her to be, but... Shit. I don't even know.
"Sure," she replies, tucking her hair behind her ear and I barely let my head twist, eyes sliding to the left to look at her. She doesn't stare back, and I know she knows I'm looking at her because her eyes drop and she swallows audibly. Why won't she look at me?
"Great," Jisoo grunts as she picks up her daughter and hitches her on her hip, cradling her carefully.
"Wait," I say, finally processing that Rosé's looking after Stella. "Where are you going?"
I eye her curiously and it's only now that I realize Jisoo's not wearing her work clothes, but a white and baby blue sundress. Her hair's a little tousled and I can tell she's wearing more make-up than usual, and I narrow my eyes. She's all dressed up. Why? And also, why didn't I notice when she walked in the door?
Oh, yeah. I was too involved in looking at my best friend who I just happened to have the most incredible sex with last night. That kind of thing tends to distract me.
"And why are you all dressed up?" I add.
Jisoo grins at me, her eyes flicking to Rosé. "I have a date," she answers and looks down to Stella to see if the little girl heard but she's way too preoccupied with playing with her short blonde hair.
"Seriously!? With who?" I almost screech. Jisoo has a fucking date! But wait, hold the phone... It's only midday. "What kind of lame ass date is this?" I ask and I feel Rosé's eyes snap to me disapprovingly. At least she looked at me. "It's at lunch," I deadpan in explanation.
Jisoo tilts her head to the side, face clearly unimpressed. "Who's the one with the date here?" She says, making a jab at my single life before she flicks her hair like one of those hair shampoo ads. Stella begins playing with her necklace instead. "And it's with a customer at work. He's a busy man and so am I, and it was the only time we could do it," she shrugs.
I think it over but then nod, because yeah, that's fair enough. Jisoo's always busy and even though I'd totally offer to look after Stella whilst she went out for needed sexy times—I swear that girl hasn't gotten laid in like, years—I guess that a lunch date isn't that bad. Especially with her schedule.
But as my thoughts run, I hear Rosé speak up from beside me and my entire body jumps at the chance to hear her voice. She's been quiet for the entire time and now my body's feeling all tingly because she's talking. I kind of really like the sound of her voice. Damn it.
"Jisoo, you know the rules on dating a customer," Rosé mumbles and I scrunch my eyebrows together. Rules? "If Seokjin finds out he's going to be pissed."
Jisoo just rolls her eyes. "They're not rules. More like... guidelines, and he won't find out anyway," she says and waves her free hand flippantly. "Plus this guy is totally cute. His name's Suho."
My mind picks up on the name faster than I tell it to and then I gasp. I totally remember that guy. "Hold up," I say, holding a hand up and lifting an eyebrow. "Isn't that the nerd guy?"
"Just because he’s a man with glasses and has braces doesn't mean he's not a nice guy," Rosé cuts in and I whip my head around to stare at her, my eyes growing wide at her tone. She just fucking snapped at me. What the hell?
(At least she talked to me.)
"I didn't say that," I reply, dipping my tone and I manage to hold her eyes for three seconds before she glances away, the muscles in her jaw tightening visibly. Why is she pissed at me?
"You were implying it, though," Jisoo chimes in with one raised brow; and shit, what is this? Pick on Lisa day? Jheeze.
"You're twisting my words," I spit back and Jisoo rolls her eyes again. She almost does it as much as I do.
"No, I'm not," she says and looks over me, a smirk playing on her lips. "You're just jealous because you haven't had sex in months."
The second the words leave her mouth, my entire body tenses. I feel my muscles lock, bones go rigid and I swear I stop breathing as I let my eyes flick to Rosé. I just need to see her reaction to Jisoo's words, and sure enough, she is reacting. Her head's dropped back down again, eyes focused on the ground, or her Chucks or whatever, but I can see through the slight curtain of hair surrounding her that her ears are turning pink.
And that's when it hits me.
Fuck. Last night really did happen.
(Not that I thought it didn't but this is just confirmation of what I already knew.)
"But anyway, you've gotta go to work," Jisoo says, pointing to me. "And you've gotta look after her," she continues, pointing to Rosé and then back to Stella who's now pressed her face into her neck. But then Jisoo's eyes narrow and I somehow tense further, knowing that she's taking in the way Rosé's pointedly look down. "What are you doing, Rosie?"
Thankfully, Rosé straightens up right away, her eyes flicking to me but I just look away, not wanting to meet her eye. It really did happen and now I'm not sure what this means for me and Rosé. Or rather, our friendship. If there was one thing I learned from high school, it was that I don't sleep with my best friend. I totally did that and lost my best friend because of it. Now I've done it again.
Really, I deserve a clap on the back.
"Nothing," Rosé replies quickly and I know Jisoo's suspicious.
Which is exactly why I'm not in the least bit surprised when I see Jisoo eying both of us warily, her vision flicking between both of us like she's trying to figure something out. "Okay, what's going on?" She finally asks, a little demanding and angered but it just makes something snap inside of me.
"Nothing, God. Look, can we just fucking leave already?" I retort through a hiss and I know I'm being unnecessarily angry and rude but I can't help it. It's just like self-defense. "My shift starts in like, eight minutes and I'm gonna be late as it is."
And Jisoo must feel bad about me being late for my shift, or reason that keeping me here after I just looked after her daughter for a few hours is probably a little unfair and so she nods slowly, but stares at me and Rosé, almost examining us two for a long moment before she eventually gives up and walks toward the door. Then I grab my coat and leave, all stepping outside my building and stopping because this is where I'm supposed to say goodbye.
But I don't bother and just kiss Stella on the top of the head before pulling up the lapels of my jacket and turning away with another word.
And as I walk away, I hate that even though I know both of them are watching me leave, there's only one pair of eyes burning holes into the back of my head.
***
My shift was supposed to end at eight, but when Yeji, one of my colleagues, came in with red rimmed eyes and smudged mascara tracks down her cheeks, telling me that she'd just had an argument with her boyfriend and thought they'd broken up, I felt a pang of sympathy and told her to go home. I needed some distraction anyway, and so I stayed on for the late shift. She'd thanked me, and I rolled my eyes and as she walked away and even tried to check out her ass as a little thanks to myself, but I just didn't feel the same thrill anymore. I knew who had the best ass, one that I'd had the pleasure to touch and it seemed my body did too because I didn't even react, nor was I interested.
Really, last night totally fucked with my mind.
Anyway, I finish at eleven and close up, entering the alarm and heading out the door after turning out the switch. I lock it, stick the keys back in my pocket and turn around, taking a deep breath as I look up and down the street for a cab. Of course, there aren't any and I roll my eyes because I just need the sky to cloud over and start bucketing down with rain and then I'll have a cosmic approval to feel the way I do.
Though I'm so confused at the minute that if the weather reflected my feelings, I'm sure it might suddenly snow or the sun might pop up now and then. I'm just that kind of confused.
With a deep sigh, I begin my walk home, holding my coat close to myself. My feet really fucking ache, my back does too, and I know I'm going to have to set a reminder on my phone or something to tell Seokjin that I took Yeji's shift because otherwise she'll get paid for the hours I did; and Yeji is kind of one of those girls that would just take the money instead of telling him that she didn't do the hours.
I also need to do the laundry and change the sheets on my bed and—
Fuck. I can't even pretend like I'm thinking about anything else. I'm thinking about last night and Rosé.
It's all I can freaking think about.
In fact, I managed to fuck up at least three customers orders because I was so caught up in my head that I kept forgetting how many shots of espresso they wanted or whether they wanted a cream or coffee based frappe. Like shit, my mind is working to hard to divert my oncoming thoughts to something else completely spontaneous that I can actually feel a damn headache coming on.
I need a fucking Advil, or like a few whiskey shots and beer chases and even a cigar, just to try to forget.
Although I know how stupid that is: to think that I can just forget about what happened between me and Rosé. I mean, I could ignore it and pretend like it never happened, but today was enough proof that Rosé and I are all kinds of weird and awkward around each other and I don't want to not be friends with her. I want my friendship back. To like how it was, before we slept with each other.
And I know she doesn't feel anything for me because of how she acted toward me earlier. She didn't even want to meet my eye, and the only time she even talked to me was when she was snapping at me. Rosé wouldn't have reacted like that if she like liked me. If she did, she probably would've been fine with it and okay, that kind of sucks a little that I can't even get my best friend to like me, but I'm fine with it.
Because I don't like her. Not like that anyway. She's an amazing friend, the most amazing friend, but I just don't think I feel that way about her.
Like, okay, last night we two had a connection but both of us had been drinking. Both of us just wanted to get laid and we were both there for each other. It was just.. convenient. And most importantly, it was a mistake.
And I don't want a silly little mistake to ruin my friendship with her. I'm certain she doesn't either.
Which means I need to talk to her. I need to talk it out with her and get past this awkward after-sex stage.
And I need to do it as soon as possible.
***
I stare up at the building, my hands buried deep in my pockets and my neck aching from the unnatural angle it's tilted at.
I know I need to talk it out with her. Hell, that's the only reason why I came here, but I can't help but feel nervous.
It feels like I'm about to throw up my stomach and my nails are digging so deep into my palms that I'm sure I might bleed soon. Because this isn't just another conversation with another one of my one night standers, telling them that I don't want to repeat what happened because I don't like them, this is having a conversation with my best friend, telling them that I don't want to lose our friendship because of what happened.
It may seem like the same thing, but I know it's not. They're two very different things, especially because with one night standers I couldn't give a shit how they felt—I’m kind of a bitch—but with Rosé, I care so much about how she feels.
Fuck, I care more about she feels than I care about myself, or anyone else for that matter. She's my best friend.
So I brace myself, take a really, really big breath and head inside, stepping into the elevator cart and going to Rosé's floor. When I step out and look to my left to stare at Rosé's door at the end of the hall, my heart's hammering so hard against my chest I think it might actually burst through and my pulse is roaring so loud in my ears I may not be able to hear properly again.
Still, I force my shaky limbs to take me to her door, and I don't even hesitate in rapping my knuckles against it because I know if I do, the hesitation will lead to doubt and the doubt will lead to over-thinking and the over-thinking will lead to my quick escape down the hall with my tail between my legs and my friendship with Rosé left in a trail of dust behind me. And I came here foI a reason so I'm sure as hell not leaving until I've done what I need to do.
The second that thought goes through my head, I hear the sound of locks clicking and then the door swings open. Then Rosé's right there, her eyes widening and lips dropping open into a silent 'o' as they take in who's standing before her.
And I instantly feel uncomfortable, and just shift, hating the silence but forcing myself to look her in the eye as I say, "We need to talk."
Rosé stares at me for what feels like the longest thirty-one seconds of my life before she stands aside, letting me in.
***
Now that I'm here, I realize just how stupid it was to think that I could talk this out with Rosé when not even twenty-four hours ago, I was having sex with her in this very same apartment.
Hell, on the sofa that I'm now staring down at, debating whether to sit on, I was grinding against her in the least innocent way possible and her hands were wrapped around my neck and urging me deeper into a kiss.
Shit. No. I need to stop fucking thinking like that.
"Do you want anything to drink?"
I spin around, my eyes meeting hers. "Uh, no," I reply. "Thank you."
She smiles sheepishly, still standing by the door and there's a good five meters between us and I just want to cross it and hug her, tell her I'm sorry and just sort this out but I'm just too damn nervous and awkward. I don't even know where to start.
"So," she starts and I thank her inwardly. I don't think I could've started it. "What did you wanna talk about?"
I bite my lip and watch her come toward me, making sure to put a large gap between us as she brushes past and takes a seat in the armchair. A seat for one. Great. If I didn't feel rejected before, now I sure as hell do.
"You know what I wanna talk about," I sigh and gingerly take a seat on that sofa. I desperately force my brain to block out the images that snap to mind.
Rosé just nods and I watch her gulp. "Yeah," she says and blows out her cheeks, dropping her eyes before lifting them and meeting me again. "Look, Lisa, I—"
"It was a mistake," I blurt out and I'm not sure what made me do it, but now it's just out there and I watch her face go from shock to what I think is rejection and then to hurt. My chest tightens at the sight, and I wish I could just pluck the words from the air, tuck them back in my pocket and bury them deep inside like I never said it because now, seeing her reaction, I don't think last night was a mistake. Shit.
I just can't stop fucking things up.
I go to say that, but then her face shifts and the words I want to say slide back down my throat, away from my tongue because she's now just sitting there, hands folded on her lap and she's looking at me with an expression I just can't read. It's blank, but somehow it's not a negative blank and I feel my heart stutter because I know I'm not going to like the words that are about to be spoken.
And I don't.
"I agree."
I didn't realize two little words could completely crush me. Something inside of me breaks and I swallow, suck in my lips and do the only thing my body can do: nod. I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling like I was hit by a ten ton lorry, or why my heart feels like it's lodged itself in my throat because that was the sole purpose of coming here; to tell Rosé that it was a mistake. But now she's confirmed it, now she's agreed, it feels like I was just rejected by something that I just... rejected myself
It doesn't make any sense, but I figure that I'm only feeling weird because I never get rejected. Like literally, ever.
This is just a first. That's why I feel like that.
That's all.
Still, I can't stop myself from saying, "You do?"
Rosé just looks at me, her eyes holding mine as she swallows, taking her time to answer. "I do," she finally replies and if possible, my heart sinks again. "I just think... I think it's better if we forget about it," she continues, dipping her head, eyes going to her hands, fidgeting around on her lap. "We were drunk," she begins again, voice a little stuttered but I can't hear anyI You cut her off, deciding that if she's going this way about it, telling me every reason why it was wrong, I'm going to join in.
"Yeah, we were drunk," I echo with a shrug, pressing my lips together as I stare at her with cold eyes. "We were drunk and we needed a warm body and we were just there for each other."
This time Rosé tilts her head up, eyes flitting to me and I grind my teeth together a little, curdling the words that I know will solidify my friendship with her but ruin any chance of anything ever happening again.
(Not that you'd want it to, obviously.)
"It meant nothing."
I literally see the light disappear from her eyes, but she holds strong, not physically faltering or reacting to my words. I've got to give her that because inside, I'm screaming to say that I didn't mean it because I don't know what the hell last night meant, but I know it didn't mean nothing. There was something there, I know both of us felt it, but I don't think that I like her and I don't think she likes me, either, so it doesn't really matter.
"Exactly," she monotones. "So we'll just forget that it happened, and you can just ignore that I ever... well, you know."
This catches my attention because I don't know. "That you ever what?"
Rosé bites her lip and looks at me, her face showing that she's said too much. But I don't know what's going on. I don't have a clue and I feel like „ the only one that doesn't because Rosé's face is half-confused and half-disbelieving like she can't figure out whether I'm screwing with me or not.
"That I ever..." Her head dips, fingers stilling in her lap and her voice turns into a whisper. "That I ever liked you."
I freeze, my eyes wide and lips parted because damn... I wasn't expecting that. I just stare, blink and a million thoughts rush through my head. Rosé likes me? Or liked me? When the hell did that happen? How didn't I know? I always know when someone's into me and this has completely blindsided me. Seriously, what the fuck? I literally didn't have an inkling and now she's staring at me like I should probably say something soon but I don't know what to say. I'm confused, and now I feel a little light-headed and shit.
"What?" She says instead, and I can tell she's conscious of the way I'm staring at her. I just can't help it.
"You..." My voice cracks and I clear my throat, a crease forming between my brows. "You... liked me?"
"Well, yeah," Rosé answers, the words coming out through a dry laugh, but it sounds pained and I wince.
How did I not know that?
My eyes dart around her apartment, my mind trying to process the information just given but I just can't. It's just so much to take in and I don't know how I didn't see the signs before. She was always a little touchier with me then she was with Jisoo, but I thought that was just Rosé being Rosé. She always smiled at me a little longer than necessary, and always used to go that step further, like bringing me my favorite chicken noodle soup from that strange little store on the corner when I was ill and spending all day watching Disney films with me, but I just thought that was Rosé being my best friend.
I never thought it meant more.
"You—You did?"
Rosé jerks her head back, her breath hitching. "You didn't know?" She asks, slowly.
I just suck in my lips, wanting to explain that I didn't with words but I'm a little speechless at the moment and so all I can offer her is a slight shake of my head because no, I definitely didn't know. Rosé's eyes grow wide at the movement and I watch her ears turn pink since apparently she didn't know that I didn't know, and as confusing as that may be, I can't really focus on that because now not only do I feel incredibly stupid for sleeping with her last night, but now I feel really fucking guilty.
"I thought you knew," she adds quietly, clearly taking in my shock and I just shake my head again, but then we both delve into silence.
It stays like that for a long moment, the only sound being the breaths Rosé and I take but it feels like I need to say something. My best friend has just told me that she had feelings for me and now I'm all kinds of confused. I can't tell her I knew, or that I liked, or like, her back because I didn't. Before last night, I never even thought of Rosé more than a best friend. I always thought she was just the most beautiful, most kind, most caring and loving best friend I'd ever known and that was that. Sure, I thought she was incredibly hot, too, but I know, I think Jisoo's alright so it totally doesn't mean anything.
"How long?" I suddenly blurt out, but it's said through a breath and Rosé doesn't flinch. I think she was expecting it.
"Um, a year," she whispers and my eyes flicker up, taking in the way she's a little slumped in her chair and a pang of guilt strikes me heavily in my stomach as I process her words. A year? How the hell have I been that oblivious. "I mean, I always thought you were... pretty amazing but," she pauses and finally looks at me. "I only knew for certain, about a year ago."
I swallow, my throat feeling so thick I fear I may not be able to breathe but I just nod. I'm not even entirely sure what the hell I'm nodding to but I'm doing it anyway. "Right," I croak and shift, clenching my hands together nervously on my lap. "Rosie, I—"
"It doesn't matter, Lisa," she quickly cuts in and my brow furrows as she drops her gaze to the carpet. "I know it's stupid and I know if you'd known you wouldn't have gone through with it so you don't have to feel guilty."
She has a point, but it doesn't mean I feel any better. "But, Rosie—"
"No, honestly," she interjects again and she offers me a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. "Last night we were both drunk and it went too far. I just wanna be friends with you again, with no weirdness."
It's exactly what I came up here to do, to make sure my friendship with Rosé wasn't ruined, but it still feels like someone just popped a pin into the side of my balloon heart. My heart deflates inside of me and I look away because I don't like the way she's staring at me, with glossy eyes and knitted brows. It's like she's trying her best not to cry and I hate that because I know she wants to cry because of me.
"O—Okay," I agree through a cracked tone. I cough, clear my throat and force a gentle expression on to my face. "Yeah, let's just forget and be friends."
I don't mean the words, and there's a voice in the back of my head shaking its head and clucking its tongue because nothing inside of me wants what I just said. But I don't know what I want. She's my best friend and okay, we slept together but I've slept with more than my fair share of women and I haven't wanted to date them. Admittedly, none of those women were my best friends, but still, my point still stands. Just because Rosé and I slept together and are best friend doesn't mean that we two should start dating. I don't want that.
I think.
"Okay," she breathes out and smiles, but I can see the sadness lingering behind her eyes. "So can we hug and make up? 'Cause we were always touchy and I wanna get past the first awkward hug."
I laugh a little and nod, standing at the same time she does. "Sure, Rosie," I say and step forward, wrapping my arms around her waist.
Her arms go around my neck and I shut my eyes against the memory of how it feels to be pressed against Rosé like this without any clothing on, because I have to try and forget about that. We two are trying to get back to normal and thinking about how it felt to move inside her whilst our chests rubbed together is probably not the best way about going about that.
She nuzzles into my neck and I do the same back to her, my fingers digging into the fabric of her shirt as I inhale her scent; but it's the breaking point because she pulls away and I drop my arms to my side, smiling at her. We two can do this, I know we can. Nothing's changed, apart from the physical barrier, but I can just prop the one we had before back up and neither of us will go further than pinkie linking and hugging. Maybe I'll have to tone down on the cuddling, though.
"So, we're friends again?" Rosé asks, her face scrunching with hope in the most adorably way.
I grin, roll my eyes playfully and offer up my pinky. "We'll always be friends, Rosie."
She smiles, links her pinky around mine and squeezes gently.
I just take a deep breath.