Warnings: Infidelity, kind of toxic.
The night had started out like any other night. It was boring, until it wasn't. She made it fun, like she always did, and had brought you to a party, it was New Year's Eve after all.
The night flew by, people had fun and cheered, and she held her arm around you.
She was laughing with the other people, too engaged in the conversation to notice the way you adored her from the sidelines.
"Three, two..." people cheered with champagne glasses in their hands. Before you knew it, you felt her soft lips on yours. It was a tradition after all, so you kissed her back.
It didn't last long, unfortunately.
People didn't question her actions. No one cared that she hadn't brought her fiancée, or that she kissed her best friend instead of him.
Maybe they were too inebriated to pay any attention to it. You were both high, everybody had to take the edge off somehow.
How else would they keep up the act of feeling happy and content with their life?
Eventually the party died down. Some people were passed out on the couches and there was glitter on the floor. Girls were carrying their shoes down in the lobby, soon disappearing out the door only to hail a taxi.
You asked to walk Phoebe home, but she had to carry you.
"You should stay here for the night, since you can't get home safely."
You knew she was right. But this was how it always started.
She sat you down on the couch and you felt like the room was slightly spinning. Then she sat down beside you and her laughter filled the room.
"Are you good?" she asked as she pulled herself together.
"Surprisingly, yes."
"Good," she said while leaning into the pillows.
Getting high with her was now routine. It always ended the same way, with regrets. Then you both would swear to not make the same mistake again, until it was too late.
"You look so pretty in this light," Phoebe said in a hushed tone, like she feared others might hear her even though the two of you were alone.
"Why are you whispering?" you asked, whispering back to her and poked her arm.
"I don't know..." she said and laughed while looking around the room.
"Well, you look even prettier," you stated, and she turned her head to look at you. She didn't have to open her mouth to speak, her eyes told a story of their own.
The look in her eyes were kind but rough, like she was tired, or high. Which was exactly what she was. Too stoned to make good choices.
Her hand slowly made its way to yours, her fingers grazing your own. She looked down only to look right back up when you didn't move your hand away. A soft smile tugging at her lips, like a shy smirk.
She carefully intertwined your hands and exhaled in relief. It was subtle, but you noticed it.
You paid attention to everything about her.
In a crowd full of people, you would always observe her. She was always on your mind, and it was hard to distinguish if it was right or wrong of you to think of her so often.
"Why do we keep doing this?" you asked her, knowing how all this would play out.
"I don't know what you mean..." she answered, trying to avoid this conversation.
"Does he know?"
"Does who know what?" she asked back.
"Paul... does he know about us?" you asked her directly, making it nearly impossible for her to misunderstand the meaning of your words.
"No," she mumbled. "And he's not going to either," she went on, tucking your hair behind your ear in a delicate manner.
It was too harsh sounding to be reassurance, making it seem more like a threat.
You became silent. Guilt washed over you as you both sat in silence, looking at each other.
It had all started in a hotel.
Just one night, sharing the same room.
You both swore it would stay between the two of you, never repeated or mentioned ever again. It had been a mistake. A mistake you both kept making.
"I love you," she whispered out, and her face immediately changed.
She hadn't meant to say it. It was like she put salt in the wound.
It was obvious that she regretted saying it, but she couldn't take it back.
Her words, the truth about her feelings had already slipped past her pretty lips.
"Leave him."
"I can't," she quietly said. "You know that I can't," she went on only to avoid complete silence in the room.
"But I do love you," she once again stated, then placed a kiss on your cheek.
It was unclear if she repeated it to hurt you or if she wanted to convince you, only adding insult to injury.
"You're my favorite person in the world..." she said as you stayed silent.
What were you supposed to say back?
She had already said she wouldn't leave him. No words you could come up with could change her mind. She was stubborn, and you both knew it.
"I promise that I will always love you more than him."
Her words echoed in your head, you weren't sure if it were the drugs or if you were losing your mind.
Then she kissed your hand to prove her so-called love that she had for you.
But still it was like she hadn't decided, about taking or leaving you.
"I can't leave him now," she quietly said while gazing at the floor.
"But I will, soon," she followed up. That was a white lie she told to soothe the pain.
It felt good to hear it, but you knew she hadn't meant it. She would never mean it.
"I've heard that one before... but we never break bad habits," you said and laughed.
"Yeah, like when I say I'm stoned for the last time, I do it again and repeat," she said, laughing with you.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to stop doing this," you admitted, avoiding her eyes.
"What do you mean?" she asked, and you felt her stare.
"Getting high and... doing dumb shit with you," you said, instead of saying what you really meant.
"Right..." she said lowly. She knew you had lied. After all, you knew each other too well. But it was only fair, she had lied to you just seconds ago.
"You know, I hate that I love you, right?" you said shortly after, regretting it, just as she had done after admitting her love for you.
"Why?" she asked, slightly taken aback.
"Because you'll never be mine. You'll be his, and I'll just be waiting."
She didn't say anything, now she was the one that stayed silent for a change.
But her silence confirmed your statement.
That was the harsh unspeakable truth. The reality you desperately tried to avoid.
You would never get to call her your own. She'd be his but sneak off to be with you.
It made you wonder if anyone had caught it, the longing stares between the two of you, if anyone had seen the way you'd slip away with each other at parties.
Secretly she wondered too if anyone suspected it.
No doubt it was wrong. She shouldn't be having an affair, nor decide to get married when she loved someone else more than she loved her fiancée.
Maybe she liked the adrenaline of it all.
Maybe she craved validation.
Maybe she needed to have someone to go back to if her marriage didn't work out.
"Will you actually leave him?" you asked her, hoping, secretly praying she'd say yes even though you knew you couldn't bear the true answer.
"Maybe."
It wasn't a yes, and it wasn't a no. It was simply uncertain. She hadn't decided, probably never would. If they ever were to break up, he'd be making the call, or so it seemed.
It was wrong of you to think it, but the thought crossed your mind; if you get caught, he might decide to leave her.
"You're mean, y'know..." you stated.
"Oh?" she muttered out, not knowing what to say.
"It was mean of you to make me fall in love with you."
"Oh," Phoebe realized what you had meant.
The guilt started out in her stomach and then made her head spin, and the drugs certainly didn't help with that. It was affecting you both negatively, but you decided it was what you deserved for doing this.
For going behind his back, for betraying him and his trust.
You couldn't really blame her though, for making you fall for her.
She wasn't responsible for what you felt, but neither were you.
It just happened, without any of you realizing it.
And you were too late to stop it.
It's always there in your subconscious.
At times doing you worse than good.
Love is pain, after all.
But that wasn't the true problem.
You could have loved her from the sidelines, but you didn't, you had to ruin it by acting on it. That was the mistake you first had made in the hotel room.
And now you were making the mistake once again.
It was a sad reality. Still, you kept repeating it, like it was worth it. Somehow, in some way, her touch and admiration were worth getting hurt over. But you always wondered if it did you worse than good.
If she was wearing you out over time.
If you should just run, before it's too late.
If the two of you should let each other go, and just live.
But you couldn't. She made you feel something. And something was better than nothing.
"Kiss me, please..." she said quietly. She knew she shouldn't have let herself ask that of you. It would end up with more guilt. More pain, just like what you both felt now.
Your lips carefully met hers. The pain disappeared. Only for a moment, everything was fine. She placed her hand on the back of your neck and pulled you closer.
Her grip was firm yet soft.
She clumsily got on top of you, sitting on your lap, forcefully kissing you like you were a drug and she feared going through withdrawal. Only pulling away when she couldn't breathe.
"We shouldn't do this," you said, your voice barely above a whisper.
"I know."
Truthfully you were tired of waiting for her to want all of you.
To want you more than a friend.
But friends don't look at each other like that.
Like they can't live without the other person's touch.
And they most certainly don't have an affair.
Right or wrong didn't matter anymore. You had already crossed the line and messed up your relationship. If you were friends or lovers was irrelevant.
It was not important, not like before.
You knew you shouldn't have, but you started dragging her t-shirt upwards.
She smiled softly, forgetting that what you were doing was ethically wrong.
Failing to remember that this was the mistake you kept making.
She pulled her t-shirt over her head and dropped it behind her and leaned down to meet your lips once again. Your mind and heart weren't cooperating.
You knew the best thing would be to pull away and stop before you did something that was impossible to take back.
But you couldn't make yourself stop, you ached for her to love you.
And you knew you asked for too much when you wanted to have her for yourself.
So right now, this was enough.
To be with her in all secrecy, to never speak of it again, to repeat the mistake one last time.
It wouldn't hurt, right?
One last time. One more night where you made bad choices.
Kiss the lips that were already taken. Admire the body of someone else's soon-to-be wife.
It didn't matter really; you could blame it on the drugs if you got caught.
That's what you thought in your head as you sloppily kissed her collarbone.
Slowly she got off your lap, only to grab your hand and pull you up from the couch. She dragged you with her towards her bedroom. Stumbling as she walked, undressing herself while leading the way, like you had never been in her bed before.
Both of your clothes were scattered on the floor.
"What are you waiting for?" she asked.
You didn't answer.
"We're going to be fine."
Her words were nice to hear, if only they were true.
She walked towards you, small silent steps.
Slowly inching closer.
She rested her forehead against yours.
"We'll be fine," she whispered and closed her eyes, "I love you," she reassured you.
You inhaled sharply; Phoebe always had her way with words. So convincing, yet heartbreaking.
Her hand found your cheek, and her thumb softly caressed your skin lovingly.
You leaned in, kissing her softly. She smiled into the kiss, and you felt your worries disappear.
She chuckled when she pushed you down on the bed, and soon enough you were both giggling as she crawled onto the bed to get closer to you again.
She kissed you harder than before, and her hands roamed your body, never really deciding which part of your body she was going to focus on. Her rough fingertips traced your skin, down your stomach, only to go upwards to your breasts. She fondled them and kissed the sensitive skin, softly biting, leaving marks everywhere.
Slowly she kissed her way up to your neck, and you got more aroused by each second that passed. She knew how to turn you on, she knew your body like it was hers. Her hot breath hit your skin and sent shivers down your spine.
She pulled away from your neck when her hand crept in between your thighs.
"Can I?" she asked as her hand hovered over where you wanted her most.
You nodded, only to be met by her captivating smile in return.
Her eyes were shimmering in the moonlight that came through the window. For a split second you thought of giving her the moon if you only could.
The cold breeze from the open window hit your skin and you noticed that it wasn't silent anymore. She lived by the hospital and the sirens go all night.
But it wasn't enough to distract you from her touch. Soft moans escaped your lips as she pleasured you slowly, in a teasing manner.
She grinned when your legs twitched.
You loved it when she grinned, but not in this moment with her cocky attitude. She knew your body when she really shouldn't have, it was not something to be proud of.
Maybe in some messed up way, that's exactly why she was proud.
It just made it so much more confusing and chaotic.
This love was so destructive but still intoxicating.
It was why you couldn't keep away from her.
She added more pressure making you gasp, and leaned closer to you, slightly hovering. You cupped her cheeks, pulling her in for another kiss. It took her off guard, making her lose her balance, so she crashed into you. Teeth hitting teeth. Laughter filled the room.
She was so gorgeous like that.
Her smile so bright and wide.
It was why you fell for her.
She sped up the pace and you grabbed the back of her neck pulling her closer to you, tugging at her hair as the knot in your stomach was building up. Your moans eventually drowned out the sirens, maybe even the neighbors could hear you.
Well, that wasn't your problem. So, you didn't really care. Too occupied chasing your release, trying to buck your hips to meet her fingers for more friction.
Every stroke got you closer, and soon enough you were clenching your thighs together, trying to trap her hand.
She kept stimulating you, smirking as your grip on her hair got even tighter. In a matter of just a few minutes, you came undone, and arched your back and closed your eyes shut.
The pleasure you felt drowned out all the guilt you had felt earlier.
Now you were just satisfied as she rode out your orgasm.
When your body had stopped shaking and your breath got even again, Phoebe smirked down at you. She straddled your hips, and you looked up at her with knowing eyes. Your hands rested on her thighs, slightly scratching her with your nails, feeling her soft skin on your fingertips.
You dragged her upwards, making her grind on your stomach and she got the message, so she took control again, hovering over your face before she slowly lowered herself down to meet your tongue.
At first, she rode your tongue, and did all the work herself. She liked being in control. But when she got closer, she took ahold of the bedpost to keep herself from suffocating you.
Your tongue swirled around her clit, and she threw her head backwards as loud moans escaped her lips.
Her thighs cradled your head, trapping you in place as her whole body was shaking over you. This was certainly a good way to start the new year.
She kept grinding down on your tongue while you lapped up all her wetness. All you could think of was how you wanted her for yourself. She was so gorgeous like this.
She was worth worshipping. The altar was her hips, the place you had your hands right now, guiding her to an orgasm. She came on your tongue while whimpering quietly, and you kept pleasuring her until she decided to pull away so she could lay down beside you instead.
"Fuck..." she panted.
That could mean a lot of different things in these circumstances.
"Fuck what?" you asked unsure and wanting clarification.
"We shouldn't have done this..." she answered sadly.
"Why didn't you stop it then?" you asked, feeling hurt.
"I don't know."
You scoffed at her words. How could love hurt this much?
"I guess I wanted to be with you one last time..." she went on.
"There's a last time for everything, but I don't think this was it... we keep doing this, and we both know we shouldn't," you stated.
Truthfully you didn't want it to be the last time. You loved her too much to just let her go. You couldn't. There would be too many what ifs replaying in your head if you just left her alone.
She was like an angel in disguise. She was the way to your heart.
Being with her was all you ever wanted.
But not being able to be with her made her the devil. Someone made out to be evil. It must've looked like that from the outside at least. That she was someone who just strung you along.
The truth was that it was just too complicated.
"I will always love you more than him, remember?" she asked with a smile on her face.
"Yeah, I remember."
She pressed a gentle kiss on your lips.
That was why you kept doing this. Repeating the mistake. You loved each other. It was messy. And it certainly wouldn't be solved this night. But there would probably be more nights where you make the mistake again, get hurt, and fall deeper in love.
She was the gun in your lips that would blow your brains out if you let her, and you would. No doubt, you'd let her destroy you.
Maybe she already had.
Happy New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, depending on where in the world you guys are right now.
Let's hope we get a new Phoebe Bridgers album this year lol