Christmas season brings with it a vast array of joyful music, and bright glowing color. Nights so cold you laugh, stumbling into your house pulling off six jackets just to sit by the fire with family watching cringey hallmark movies that all have the same plot line, but no one seems to care. Everyones drinking warm hot chocolate covered in whip cream and a beautiful sprinkle of cinnamon. The snow colors the world in a layer of white that shines bright, blinding drivers. The ice on the road makes it dangerous to walk on alone. Stress levels and anxiety skyrocket as purposely distant relatives suddenly appear carrying presents filled with insincere generosity. Fighting breaks out over families forced together. Children cry when they wake up to find nothing under the tree but false hope that this year would be different. And sometimes mothers die.
Liam and Isaac's mom didn't die on Christmas, but it was the day after. It wasn't a surprise when it happened. Not to her or their dad anyway. They knew it was nearing the end. They'd tried everything they could, but it wasn't working, and waiting for someone to find a cure was only making her suffer more. Liam wasn't told until he was older that it was breast cancer. He remembered moments from the last time he saw her. Little instances, small smiles that he hadn't realized at the time were teary eyed, hiding pain. Isaac had been older, he remembered it more vividly than you would have liked.
It was late when they told them they could go into the room. There were at least three doctors, a nurse or two, and their father, sitting on the bed, holding her hand. She looked tired, weak, and frail, but she still wore a smile on her face. Isaac had broken into sobs a few years ago. Liam had come running up to him after school, holding a card he'd made for Isaac's birthday in art class, they were supposed to be for valentines day, but the date coincided. Liam had the widest smile on his face that Isaac had ever seen. His mind started to flash back, to little snippets and memories. Liam had their mother smile. Isaac never told him. It always hurts too much.
She seemed far too calm in that moment, and it made Isaac want to scream. He wanted to yell, to scream at whatever fucking god decided that their mother needed to die. But he couldn't. He couldn't because Liam didn't know. Isaac wasn't supposed to know either, but he found out on his own. He had been standing outside the room when they found out. He had to google the word "terminal." Liam had been left blissfully ignorant. He knew she was sick, but his mind just choked it up to a cold. That eventually she'd feel better, and they could go home. That she'd be there on Isaac's birthday. That she'd be there to take them to their favorite beach in the summer. To run threw the shallow water.
"Hi babies, come here," She said quietly, holding out her arms for them to climb next to her.
"Hi mommy! I made you this!" Liam held out a little paper flower he'd made in school.
"Oh sweetheart it's beautiful," she smiled softly at Liam and ran her fingers through his short hair, rubbing her thumb over his cheek.
"Just like you are mommy!" Isaac watched as something shifted in her face. Suddenly tears pricked at her eyes. Isaac moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around hers, resting his forehead on her shoulder. Tears flowed steadily from his eyes.
One of the nurses sniffled and left the room.
"Mommy, why are you and Izzy crying? Is the flower bad?" Liam asked, he used his small hand and rested it on her cheek.
"Oh no, no baby, it's beautiful. I just-mommy has to go away for a little while, okay?" She held his face with one hand. The other arm came to wrap around Isaac's shoulders, pulling him into a hug.
"Like on a trip? Where are you going?" Liam tilted his head like a confused puppy.
Their mom smiled, "Somewhere beautiful baby."
"Like the flower?"
"Just like the flower sweetheart," She wiped the tears from Isaac's cheek.
"When will you be back?" Liam smiled.
A doctor left the room, tears in her eyes.
She hesitated, "Not for a long time baby," Liam frowned," Hey, but listen okay? I'm always with you. In here," she rested her hand on his heart.
Liam tilted his head the other direction, "You're gonna be in my shirt?"
She laughed, tears still in her eyes. It was the last time Isaac ever heard that sound.
"No baby, not in your shirt," she paused, seemingly thinking for a second, "You know how this flower is beautiful, and how much you love the beach because it's so beautiful? And rainbows, and butterflies?"
Liam nodded with enthusiasm, smiling brightly.
"Well, whenever you see something beautiful, just remember that I'm there with you, looking at how beautiful it is too."
"I can tell you about them when you get back!" Liam jumped excitedly.
"Yeah baby, yeah you can tell me all about it someday."
One of the doctors still in the room whispered something to their dad. He made a gesture and she nodded solemnly.
"Hey Liam, baby I love you so much!" She kissed his head and hugged him.
Liam hugged her back giggling, "I love you too mommy"
Liam climbed down from the bed and ran out of the room when one of the nurses said something about getting him a snack.
Isaac sat by her side, not looking up from the floor.
"Isaac," he didn't move, "Isaac, sweetheart, look at me."
He tilted his head up and met her eyes. She pulled him onto the bed next to her.
"I don't want you to go," his voice broke.
"Oh baby I don't wanna leave you. I love you so so much sweetheart. I'm gonna be right by your side, forever okay? I love you boys more than anything in this world."
"I love you too mom."
She smiled, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"I need you to promise me something," he nodded, "Be happy on your birthday, and on your brother's birthday, and when the summer comes around go to our beach, have fun. Don't let me ruin your Chrstmas baby, you're allowed to be happy, even if I'm not there."
"What if I can't?" his voice broke again.
"Oh sweetheart, you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to cry, you're allowed to be angry, it's all allowed. I just want you to keep being happy too."
He nodded slowly.
"Thank you baby. And Isaac?"
He looked at her, still teary.
"Protect Liam okay," she was smiling,"He already gets into enough trouble."
He nodded.
"I love you so much Isaac."
He hugged her painfully tight, and let out a choked sob.
"I love you."
She was gone two hours later. Clutching a piece of crumpled paper in her hands.
Isaac and Liam never really spoke about her. It didn't take too long for Liam to realize that she wasn't coming back. Especially not considering the way their father reacted. Every night he'd end up passed out on the couch, tears staining his face and an empty bottle of unknown alcohol hanging loosely in his dead hand. They were too scared to talk about her at home, so they didn't. They thought about her, all the time, but neither of them said anything.
Until a year later. December 26th. It was the only day in the year when they would let themselves miss her. Every other day they would try to remember they way that she laughed, how she smiled, the sound of her ever fading voice. They remembered her and celebrated her life. But on that day they cried, and they sobbed.
Each year the cries seemed to get worse. Two years ago Liam broke down in Isaac's arms on his bed. He gripped the fabric of his shirt and basically yelled. He'd forgotten the sound of her voice.
Liam smiled as the season steadily approached. He pushed the looming dread to the side, just a few more weeks. It wasn't healthy, that was obvious, but it was how they worked, so he didn't do anything about it.
He loved the snow, and despite the connection, he loved Christmas. It was the only day of the year they were 100% certain to be safe from their father. Usually drinking was bad in their situation, but on Christmas Eve he drank so much he was passed out for days. Every year. So every year Isaac and him would slip out of the house and go to the same empty diner to eat in. They were usually the only people there. The waitress was the same for the last four years. She never asked them about why they weren't with their family. She never even mentioned that it was Christmas at all. Just let them eat and talk like their lives were normal. Like their father loved them. Like their mother was alive. Sitting at home. Waiting for them to come home so she could force feed them hot chocolate, and yell at Liam for never wanting to wear his winter jacket. Like tomorrow they wouldn't wake up and cry for hours. They could just exist. Two brothers sitting together on Christmas eating pancakes and talking about school, or whatever seemed the most normal.
It was their normal.
Liam felt the crisp air on his skin as he walked towards the school. He stopped outside, standing by a tall tree by the parsing lot. He closed his eyes and smelled the frigid air. His nose scrunched, it smelled like snow. He didn't care how many people told him that was weird. Wintered had a smell, and so did snow, and it smelled like snow.
His eyes were still cold when he felt warm hands snake around him. He smiled and leaned into it's warmth. He slipped his arms past the zipper of their jacket and wrapped his arms around him, clasping his hands around the middle of his back. He pushed his face into his warm chest.
"I feel like I should be upset that you don't have a coat, but honestly I'm okay with you doing this instead," Theo smiled down at him, kissing the top of his hair. Theo's warm hands slid up and down his back.
"I'm okay with it too," Liam mumbled.
"Why didn't you go inside? It's freezing," Theo reprimanded.
Liam looked up at him with a pout, "I wanted to meet you out here, we don't have first period together."
Theo sighed, "Okay, but next time just wait inside and I'll meet you there okay? Then you don't have to be cold."
"I thought you liked this," Liam tightened his hold for a second for emphasis.
"I do, but I'd much rather like if you didn't get sick 'cause you refused to put on a jacket."
"I like your jacket better," Liam smiled.
"What if I give it to you?"
"No."
"No?"
"No. I like it 'cause you're wearing it," Liam explained.
Theo rolled his eyes and smiled, "You're really clingy today."
Liam looked up and glared at him. He pushed back from Theo and turned walking towards the school.
"No, no, that's not a bad thing, it's cute!" Theo yelled, following after him.
Liam started running.
"Li! Where are you going!" Theo ran after him. "Li!" he yelled.
He ran up behind Liam and picked him up off the ground. Liam laughed and tried to fight back.
"Nope, you said I was clingy. I won't be anymore," He laughed.
Theo easily spun him around and hugged him, pressing his face into his neck, 'You are clingy," he huffed, "but so am I."
He kissed Liam's neck. Liam shivered.
"Fine, but only because it's cold," he stayed, basically, half inside Theo's jacket as they made their way into the building.
Isaac was slightly dreading the season. Christmas would be fine. He actually thought it might be fun now that they had friends, and boyfriends. Scott's mom already told him that Liam and him were welcome to come over to their house for Christmas. She didn't know the details of what had happened with their dad, but she'd seen and heard Scott comfort Isaac after enough small nightmares or panic attacks over the last few months to know it wasn't good. He loved Melissa, part of him felt guilty for loving her.
He wasn't worried about Christmas, but he knew that Christmas implied staying over, which meant that when he woke up it wouldn't be just him, Liam, and their dad passed out downstairs. There would be other people in the house. Other people around to witness him breakdown the second his mind registered what day it was.
He tried his best not to think about it.
Scott had seemed to notice his change in demeanor as Christmas vacation drew closer.
"Hey. I know this is sort of a weird question but... you've seemed kind of on edge recently, y;know, tense, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I just... I wanna make sure you're okay." He spoke calmly, but there was a hint of nerves.
They were sitting on Scott's bed. They were supposed to be doing homework but Isaac had spent the last half hour just staring at the papers in front of him. His mind whirling around. He tuned back in when Scott spoke. He didn't want to lie to him. He really didn't want to. He trusted Scott, he really really did. Would Liam be okay? If he knew? He would wouldn't he?
Isaac didn't realize how long he had been processing Scott's words until Scott rested a hand on his shoulder.
He checked back in suddenly, "Sorry I-no... no I'm-I'm not okay."
Scott sat up and moved the papers out from in front of him. He turned his body to face Isaac's and he squeezed the hand that was on his shoulder.
"What is it Iz?" Scott asked quietly.
The next few seconds were a bit of a blur. Isaac felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes, and he let out a choked noise. Scott reacted immediately, he moved to have his back against the wall and pulled Isaac towards him. He ran his hands through Isaac's hair as he sobbed into his shirt. After a while Isaac's breathing leveled, and the tears ceased.
Scott stayed quiet. He knew Isaac wanted to explain he would.
Isaac took a noticeable deep breath, "I--my mom, she-she... was gone, on the 26th."
Scott held him tighter, "Oh, Isaac," Isaac gripped his shirt, "Everything will be alright."
Scott ran his hand up and down Isaac's back.
"I just miss her."
"I know," Scott said, "I know she misses you too."
"I-I'm usually fine, until the day. Liam and I... we kind of have a system... had. I just don't know how it'll work now... I don't like not knowing." Isaac's voice was soft.
"Okay, so how 'bout this," He moved Isaac to look at him and wiped the hair from his face, "talk to Liam-"
"Last time I took your advice about talking to Liam it went badly," Isaac huffed a laugh.
Scott smiled, "Okay, well maybe you just did it badly. Tell him you're worried about it, see what he says, maybe he's worried too, and if he isn't then at least maybe he could help you not to be."
Isaac smiled and kissed him gently, "You're really good at this."
"Thanks. You still wanna do homework?"
"Absolutely not." Isaac said, wrapping his arms around Scott's waist and closing his eyes. Scott smiled and ran his finger through his hair repeatedly until he fell asleep.
Saturday, Liam was getting ready to head over to Theo's. Isaac stopped him before he could leave. His hands were shaking. He kept trying to hold them together, to stop the movement but it would slow down.
He took a deep breath, "I-okay. I know we've never really talked about it. I just... the 26th-" Liam stiffened a little,"It's-It's gonna be different this year and... god it's freaking me out, like a lot."
Liam seemed to register the urgency in his voice, "Hey, it'-it's okay. I don't really know... what's gonna happen.'
"We aren't really alone this year. Scott knows by the way. I hope that's okay."
"Of course that's okay. If you trust him you can tell him whatever you'd like. I'm going to tell Theo, I want to, it's just...'
"Fucking difficult?"
"Yeah,' Liam smiled,"We could just... I don't know. See how it goes? If you wanna be alone just tell me. If not then well y'know, and vice versa."
Isaac wasn't a huge fan of not knowing, but he was willing to give it a shot, "Okay," Liam smiled, and Isaac had a thought. He processed it for a bit before taking a deep breath. It had been long enough. For some strange reason a part of him kept saying that if he said it, if he told him, that it would make him feel better. He looked at the floor by their feet, "I-I feel like I never told you this but..." too late to back out now, he smiled at Liam, "you have her smile."
Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he pulled Isaac into a bone crushing hug.
His voice was soft when he spoke, barely above a whisper. Isaac almost missed it when the words left his mouth.
"You have her eyes."