Riley grabbed Eran's hand. "I want to go to my apartment... to check the mail and stuff."
Wh-what? You want to separate? Eran hung his head, conflicted. I-I don't want to be apart.
"I'll give you directions on the way," Riley said, to Eran's surprise.
He's showing me his home? Eran nodded in agreement. This means he trusts me more and we've gotten closer. Though Eran felt happy, he couldn't bring himself to smile. Something didn't feel right. Something unsettled him.
It was as they drove that Eran started to wonder if the reason Riley was choosing to go home that night was because he was hoping to find something sent from his father.
Regardless, when they went to the mailbox they saw Riley had received no packages and no letters. Eran watched Riley's face for any signs of disappointment but it was hard to tell with him. He should be smiling or at least look somewhat happy on his birthday. He's been weird since earlier. It started when we got to Bubba's.
Riley quietly led them to the door.
Was the party a bad idea? Eran felt worry wash over him. He probably hasn't spent a birthday properly in years. Such crappy parents. But did we stir up past memories? Maybe he's been thinking about his dad this entire time.
Eran shivered when he stepped into the apartment. Of course, the heat was off—there had been no skin there to absorb it for over a month. Still, the building walls made it warmer than outside, so Eran took off his coat. The apartment was small enough to feel cozy to a family of three but big enough to feel like a hollow cave to one person alone. Though he wanted to look around and see the sort of place Riley had spent his time alone in for nearly a year, he sat down on the sofa—stiff on all but one of the cushions.
He watched Riley flip through junk mail and press the button on the phone to play a waiting voice message. Though it was Eran's first time hearing the voice, he immediately knew who it was.
"Hey, Riley. It's me. You've been staying somewhere else, right? Is it with an older woman?" His father laughed softly at his own teasing. "Uh, well, I'm thinking about ending the lease."
Riley's coat fell to the floor as his grip went limp.
"It's about up, so now's a good time. You're graduating soon, eh? Well, anyway—Oh yeah, I'm in the country now, so I guess I'll come by within the next couple of weeks, see where you're living and all. We can talk about it when I get there. So, well, in the meantime you should start packing up the apartment, eh?"
The machine beeped, signalling the end of the message.
Even though it came just yesterday, he didn't say anything about Riley's birthday. Maybe his dad will bring something like a gift or present when he comes to visit. Eran scolded himself for getting naively hopeful himself. Worried, he walked over to Riley and picked up the coat.
Riley unfroze and went to the fridge. "Wonder how many boxes I'll need." He unscrewed a bottled water and gulped it down.
Eran approached. "Riley."
"I can make some tea if you want."
Increasingly worried but unsure of what to do, Eran decided to hug Riley.
"Why are you hugging me?" Riley chuckled. "It's not like I'm sad."
Sure, sure, you're not sad.
"You've been pretty quiet tonight," Riley said softly. "Did I do something?"
Eran pulled away and looked up at the young man. Where's this random guilt coming from? You're the one who's been weird; I've only been watching you. I'm watching you now and what are you going to do? "Would you rather have your own apartment close by?"
"What?" Riley was taken off guard by the sudden question, or he didn't understand it.
"We would just visit each other..." Eran's fists tightened and he clenched Riley's shirt. "No." He shook his head against his boyfriend's chest. "It's impossible for me to sleep alone now. If you're not beside me..." Trying to explain, Eran looked Riley in the eyes and glared. "How the hell could I sleep alone knowing you're sleeping alone—only streets away?"
There was no response.
"Will you still not live with me? Do you not want to see me? Do you want to break up?"
"C-calm down, Eran," Riley coaxed and stroked Eran's hair. "I don't want to be a burden... I..."
A burden? You mean because I'd be the one providing for you? "We can talk about the details with your dad. He can know as much or as little about us as you want." In realization, Eran's eyes widened. "What if he comes when I'm away? Maybe I should stay here..."
"What? No! Your professor needs you, and isn't it a great learning opportunity? You have to go."
"But I'll be gone for four days and three nights. That's 96 hours. That's plenty of time for him to show up. I don't want to come back and find out you've just obediently gone with whatever your dad decides.
Eyes narrowed, Riley replied sarcastically, "But you want me to just obediently do whatever you decide."
Idiot! "No," Eran replied firmly. "That's why I'm asking you to decide."
Riley only silently frowned.
Taking Riley's face in his hands, Eran explained. "You're the only other person I've let into my apartment, and I'm asking you to live with me. Why won't you move in?" You can't possibly still be worrying about your father.
Still, Riley was silent.
"That," Eran snapped. "That's it. You've never given me a real reason." Eran impatiently took a deep breath and stopped biting his tongue. "Do you want to live with your dad again?"
Riley's eyes widened and he took a moment to reply. "No," he said softly.
"You want to live with your dad again," Eran observed decisively. "Do you think he'll stay this time? It doesn't sound like he's even giving it any thought when he's ending the lease. If he came and saw you were living in some crappy place, what do you think he would do? No matter what it'd be, your dad doesn't ever plan on sharing a home with you again."
Eran tried to not regret being blunt as hurt flashed across Riley's expression. However, that expression then turned into a glare. "I know that," he said through clenched teeth.
"What will you do?" Eran asked with conviction. "What do you want to do?"
Riley only sighed.
Damn it, why won't he talk to me? "Do you really not know, or is it something you don't want me to know?" Eran asked, looking down sullenly.
Riley left Eran to sit at the kitchen table.
'I love you.' 'You mean everything to me.' 'I'll be your family.' Eran only thought the words he wanted to say to Riley. Was there anything he could say to end his lover's silence? 'Are you coming back with me?'
Riley rubbed the back of his head. As if reading Eran's thoughts, Riley told him, "You can go back."
"Alone," Eran verified.
Riley nodded.
You said you'd spend every second with me before I leave for the conference. Do you really want that shattered family more than me? Eran hated himself for thinking heartlessly and selfishly, yet couldn't help but feel unwanted. I'd even... Eran would even skip the one day of the year when he was allowed—no, supposed to remember the past, walking by stone after stone with his parents. A day he loathed but didn't dare ignore due to being bound to Guilt. Riley, you mean everything to me. Stupid asshole.
"At least..." Eran squeezed his eyes shut. "At least let me hear you say you love me."
The couple of seconds of silence that followed nearly gave Eran an anxiety attack, but Riley soon spoke. "I love you."
Should I kiss him? Hug him? Don't leave me, Riley. Despite his feelings, Eran left Riley's apartment and returned to his own.
Once inside, he grabbed a blanket and laid on the sofa, only bothering to take off his sweater and slap his cell phone into its charging stand before escaping to sleep.
Eran woke up mid-morning regretting having slept at all. The oppressive negativity of his forgotten bad dream still lingered.
He struggled to reach his cell phone. 'Why won't Riley move in with me?' he typed and sent.
Jay responded 20 minutes later in three consecutive messages: 'He's afraid you'll leave him'... 'You know, walk out on him'... then before Eran could ask, 'I wasn't sure either, but I think I figured it out when he told me his dad called.'
So he talked to Jay after that, Eran jealously thought.
A fourth message came. 'Good news is that means he really loves you :DD'
If he loved me, he would know I wouldn't leave him. If he really loved me, he'd want to stay with me anyway—and if I left, he'd chase after me.
Riley, you're an idiot. If you tried to leave me, I'd kick your ass and drag you back.
"Damn it," Eran swore aloud and sat up, deciding he couldn't take any more. Riley, I'm coming.
A/N: I'd say this is their first fight but... Do you consider this a fight?