Around a month has passed since the day of the first appointment at the therapist. Blind Channel's Europe tour will start in less then two weeks and before that, they'll have a few last shows in Finland. Today is the first one of them, an all age show in Espoo. But it's not only an exciting day for me because it's the boy's first day of the tour and I'll have to take photos of the show and prove that I was good at my job. I'm incredibly nervous because while the boys are preparing their gig and making sure everything will work out tonight, someone important to me will come to Espoo.
During the last weeks I chatted quite a lot with Jamari and we also called again after the disaster the day he texted Blind Channel. Although we haven't spent time together for years, we get along so well and it feels like nothing has changed, as if we were still as close friends as back then. Since Jamari planned to go to Helsinki this weekend anyway, he decided to go there a day earlier so we can meet in Espoo today.
We agreed to meet at the venue a few hours before the gig and that's why I'm now sitting here, behind the venue where luckily no fans are waiting and seeing me. It's not even November yet but although I'm wearing one of Joel's Blind Channel hoodies and a warm jacket, I'm freezing cold. Well, maybe that's also because I'm sitting on the cold ground.
"Marlene", I suddenly hear Jamari's voice and as I look up, I can see him approaching me. "Jamari!", I happily shout and immediately jump up to hug him. "Wow, it feels great to see you again", Jamari mumbles and hugs me even tighter. "I can only agree...", I whisper while starting to tear up. Seeing him again after all these years feels unreal. I have given up all hope that I'd ever see him again and now he is truly here, holding me in his arms. "I can't believe that you really recognized me only from the pictures on Blind Channel's Instagram..."
"Yeah, me neither... It's crazy. But you barely changed. You're wearing your hair like back then and in general, one can see that you've grown up and that you're now an adult but you still look the same. Also, your body language and the way you move is just like back then. Maybe you stand a bit more upright but only slightly. I think the combination of all that is what made me recognize you and the name of your Insta profile in addition to that."
"I didn't even want them to post a picture in which one can see me... But I guess it's the best they could have done for me", I mumble and hug him closely again. "Why didn't you want that?" "Long story... I'll probably tell you later", I dodge his question because talking about Aava is really the last thing I'd now talk about. "Okay. Then tell me, how is your life now? I mean, I missed fifteen years in your life. What are you doing now? How long have you been with Blind Channel by now?"
"Well, where shall I start? Teija is still my best friend. Do you remember her? She was also at the camp but we didn't spend a lot of time with her. I think I told you about her" "Yeah, I remember. But wow, it's cool that she is still your best friend! Does she live in Helsinki, too?" "No, she doesn't. Actually, she lives here in Espoo and will also come to tonight's show. But about your other questions... I haven't known for a long time. This is my first gig with them and the pictures they posted when you recognized me were the first ones I did of them. A few weeks ago, I quit my job or rather someone else quit it for me – meaning that I was terminated – and now I'm one of Blind Channel's photographers. And apart from that, there's not a lot going on in my life."
"So your life was rather boring before and now it's gonna be exciting and full of new adventures?" Jamari chuckles quietly after asking that. "Yeah, probably. But if I'll really work as a photographer for you, my life won't be as adventurous as I thought it would now become." Jamari truly plans to open up a new photo studio in Helsinki and give me a job there. "So, tell me about you. What happened in your life during the last fifteen years?"
"Well, not a lot either. After school, I studied photography and after working in a few photo studios, I opened my own studio in Kemi where I also got to know a wonderful woman who now is my fiancé. She lost her job in Kemi, too, but the company she works for offered her a job in Helsinki and that's why we'll move there, soon." "So we both have big changes ahead... When will your wedding be?" "It's planned for next summer. Isn't it crazy that when we met, we both couldn't imagine being in a relationship one day? And now I'm engaged and you're in a relationship with one of the most popular musicians in Finland at the moment."
"That's truly crazy", I quietly say and look down at my feet. "Back then, we were so young. Had no idea of how life works. Were so naïve. And now we're grown up adults." "Are you sure that we really behave like adults? I mean, I don't know about you but I'd still be down for the stuff we did back then at the holiday camp. You know, ignoring rules, spending the whole night in the same bed just to make sure we can spend time together before leaving..." "Oh well, maybe you are right. And my consumption of alcohol during the past few years was not childish but definitely not how a woman my age usually behaves. Sometimes I still behave like a young adult"
While laughing, I shake my head, thinking of the many nights I spent in the bar. "But honestly, the holiday camp... We were still kids, had no idea of the real problems of life. We could just enjoy the week without any worries and do whatever we wanted to", Jamari mumbles and pushes a curl of his hair behind his ear. "Oh yes... Do you remember the last breakfast? When we decided that the food was so delicious that we just had to eat everything to be able to say that we enjoyed it to the fullest?" "Absolutely!" As I mention that morning, Jamari starts laughing loudly. "I can still feel the pain in my stomach and the feeling of being sick because of eating way too much when I think of that."
For a while, we just reminisce until suddenly Jamari's facial expression turns more serious. "Sorry for destroying the moment but I need to ask this now because it just doesn't make any sense to me. If the holiday camp and the time we spent with each other really means so much to you... Then why didn't you go to the ten year holiday camp anniversary? Every former participant of the camp was invited to spend another weekend at the camp and come together with everyone they got to know at the camps."
"Wait, what are you talking about? I have no idea what anniversary event you mean", confusedly, I look at Jamari. "Around ten years ago, we received an email that the holiday camp is now ten years old and to celebrate that, every former participant was invited... Didn't you get that email?", Jamari quietly asks. "I don't remember...", Quickly, I took my phone out of my pocket. "But I haven't read emails from that account I had as a student for years... I don't even know if I still know my password."
With trembling fingers, I open the website and type in the username I had back then. "Think, Marlene, think", I mumble to myself, hoping that I'd remember my password. Then suddenly, I have an idea. Quickly, I type in the letters and numbers and after the website loaded for a while, I am actually logged in. The notification that I have more than five hundred unread emails appears on my screen. More than five hundred... Although this was my student's account only for school stuff and the school never sent emails to students who had already graduated, people still seemed to send me emails.
"Type the name of the camp in the search... Otherwise it'll probably take hours to find it", Jamari suggests and as I've typed in the first few letters, I can already see the email Jamari was talking about before. I don't even need to open; just by reading the subject line I know it is the invitation to the anniversary weekend. "Fuck...", I mumble while tearing up again. "And you were there?" "I was", Jamari whispers and takes a break to swallow. "The only reason I was there was to see you again. I mean, Taina and Vaana were good friends, too, but I didn't feel as close to them as to you and I really missed you. I hoped you'd be there but..." "I wasn't", I interrupt him but probably he can barely hear my voice because it's shaking from all the feelings I feel right now.
"No. You weren't. I didn't know anyone there and without you, it just wasn't the same. Of course, it was nice to be at that place again and remember all the great moments we had together but I couldn't really enjoy it. Hey, Marlene, are you crying?", he suddenly changes the topic as he sees the tears running down my cheeks. "Hey... Of course, it's sad that we didn't meet again ten years ago but now we are in touch again. Now I will not let you go again."
Carefully, Jamari presses my head against his chest. He is taller than Joel so that it's even easier for me to be in this position with him. I don't feel uncomfortable being this close to Jamari and it also doesn't feel like doing something I shouldn't do while being in a relationship with someone else. At the holiday camp, Jamari and I were this close, too. We were and apparently still are close friends; the physical closeness is part of our friendship; nothing more and nothing less.
"Do you want to go inside and get a tissue? Or do you have one with you right now?", Jamari softly asks while gently rubbing my back. "If that's okay for you... And no, I don't have one with me. I thought I wouldn't cry when seeing you again and if, then only happy tears", I try to grin while saying that, but I fail. It hurts too much to know that we could have met before if I would have read my emails. But Jamari is right. We met again, we are united again and we have to focus on what will happen in future. We can't change the past anyway.
Slowly, I remove myself from the hug and wipe my tears away before walking towards the backdoor that I open with a key I was given before I went outside.
"Marlene, are you okay?" Joel immediately asks and walks towards us as we approach the guys. He probably saw the few tears that are still dropping onto my hoodie. Without giving me time to answer, he pulls me close and presses a soft kiss on my forehead. "Overwhelming emotions?" "Yeah... And I found out that we could have met earlier if I would have read my emails. There was a meeting of the former participants at an anniversary of the holiday camp."
I carefully withdraw myself from Joel's hug so Jamari wouldn't have to awkwardly stand next to us. "Hi, I'm Jamari", he then introduces himself to my boyfriend. "And you are probably Marlene's boyfriend, right?" "Exactly. I'm Joel, hi" The men shortly hug each other before they both look at me as if I knew how to continue. But I'm still awful at social situations so I don't have any idea what to do against the silence now either.
"Do you have time to see our show tonight?" Joel then luckily stops the silence. "No, unfortunately not. I got to leave in...", Jamari quickly takes a look at his watch, "around an hour." "Okay, if you want to, you can listen to us having sound check then. Or did you plan something else?", he looks from me to Jamari and then back to me again. "No. I like the idea of hearing your sound check. Marlene, what do you think about it? Maybe we can still talk a bit while listening to the songs", Jamari suggests and after I nodded, we walk towards the stage and the crowd's place.
I knew that time would fly by fast with Jamari but I didn't think it would feel like such a little amount as it actually did. As I hug Jamari goodbye, it feels as if he had only spent half an hour with each other although it must have been two to three hours. "See you soon, Marlene. This time, I won't stop texting you. And I can only repeat what I told you fifteen years ago: You are incredibly strong. Whoever that Aava Joel mentioned during our first call is and whatever happened, I know that you, the woman who is now standing in front of me, has survived a very hard time and is incredibly strong."
Gently, he rubs my back one last time before he leaves towards the backdoor again. "He seems to be a nice guy", Joel immediately comments on Jamari as I enter the band's backstage area again. "He for sure is. It was nice to see him again", I smile softly. "And that's all thanks to you...", I then add. It's true. If I hadn't kept in touch with Joel, I wouldn't have the job at Blind Channel now. Therefore, they wouldn't have posted me on their Instagram, Jamari wouldn't have seen me and sent a message to them. I wouldn't have been in touch with him now. Apparently meeting Joel and hooking up with him was the best that could have happened to me a few months ago.
Time flew by really quickly. Due to helping the guys, I didn't even have time to meet with Teija who had tickets for the concert before the show. Thinking back to this morning when we were on our way to Espoo, it on the one hand feels as if it's not this morning but a few days ago because so much has happened since then. On the other hand, time flew by so quickly that the time I spent with Jamari and with the guys before the shows felt like only an hour.
And now, they are already playing their last song, Dark Side. Although I already know almost all of the songs they play at the moment because I was with them when they practiced, it's crazy to see them performing live on stage. The energy; the way they interact with each other... Their shows are definitely among the best ones I've ever seen and that's not because I'm in love with one of them. Of course, I also have to do some work and take photos and film every once in a while but I can definitely enjoy the show to its fullest. Actually, I'm really sad it's already over and Joona is already taking the picture of them in front of the cheering crowd.
The moment Joel leaves the stage and enters the backstage area to hug me though, I feel like the happiest woman on earth again. "You were amazing!", I shout, trying to be louder than the guys who cheered, too. "Absolutely!", Sofia agrees with me and soon, Joel and I are part of a big group hug with the guys, Sofia and Kristiina. "Let's celebrate! Guys, I know where the beer is but where's the water for our girls?"
After clinking our glasses, toasting to an amazing start of the tour, Joel mumbles something into my ear that I can barely understand because the guys can be quite loud sometimes – even now when they are pretty exhausted from the gig. "The fans should be outside by now. Do you want to text your best friend? You know, I promised her to celebrate with us and since you said she'd be here tonight.. I thought she could join us now. I already talked to the boys, they are fine with that."
"Of course! If she's still here, she'll for sure be happy about it! Let me just call her, in case she's not using her phone right now." Quickly, I dial her number and soon, I can hear her voice. Understanding her is really hard though because not only are my surroundings pretty loud right now, but she seems to be surrounded by other excited fans and therefore quite some noise, too. "I assume you are still here... Listen, you can come to the entrance to the back part of the building. You have to go to the street, then pass the venue and then there's a small path. If you follow that for a few meters, you can enter the kind of backyard of the venue and there's a door to the backstage area. Call me when you're there and please try to make sure there are no fans following you. I'll open the door for you."
"You mean... I'm invited to party with all of you tonight?!", Teija excitedly asks the moment I have finished talking. "Exactly. I mean, you can also just go home tonight but if you want to, you can join us." "Oh my god, Marlene, of course I want to! And you are sure that it's okay for all of them? I mean, I'm only your best friend, I'm not connected to the band in any way and I'm a fan. Are you sure they are fine with me being there?" Teija carefully tells me about her doubts. Although I know that it isn't necessary because they are really welcoming and Joel has already asked them, I understand her reaction. As a fan, she's afraid she might annoy them or that they are not really happy she is there and probably finding out more about their private life.
"Don't worry", I assure her, "Joel of course asked them if that's okay for everyone. And they all agreed. So get your ass over here before they change their minds." We both chuckle for a second before I add something. "But maybe you shouldn't ask everyone for autographs and photos, that would probably annoy them. Just enjoy the time and party with us." "I won't! And I'm already on my way. Give me another one or two minutes and I'll be there."
"I can't believe Joel really keeps his promise", Teija mumbles as we hug each other. "God, I'm really gonna meet one of my favourite bands now. Sorry, but I'm a bit nervous" "Don't worry, they won't bite you", I chuckle and softly nudge her before we make our way to the main backstage area. Joel immediately approaches us as he notices that I'm back. "Hi, you're Teija right? Yeah, I remember that you wanted to take a photo with me when you saw me on my way to Lene", he greets her with a smile on his face.
"Oh yes, don't remind me of that! I feel like I behaved in a not really kind way. I'm kinda embarrassed." She definitely feels bad about that, one can clearly see that by the fact that she immediately blushed and looked at her feet when Joel mentioned the situation. "Yeah, but I had a bad day, too, that's why I was rather harsh, too. Let's just forget about it. And now, do you want some beer? I mean, you can't be the only one not drinking anything, right?" My boyfriend doesn't even give her time to answer, he's already on his way to the bar. "Ehh.. Yeah, that would be nice", Teija laughingly answers although Joel for sure can't hear her anymore.
For a while, we just party together and Teija gets to know the other Blind Channel members and of course also the crew, Sofia and Kristiina. "So, you are the best friend who made Marlene realize that Aava isn't doing her good at all and who also helped her to get out of that shit?", Sofia now asks Teija. Right now, we're sitting on stools around a small, round table at the bar which is part of the backstage area with Kristiina.
Kristiina also knows about Aava by now. They all do. They don't know details but when they noticed that the post on Blind Channel's Instagram was changed so I wasn't part of it anymore, they of course had some questions. Also, I knew I had to tell them one day. Especially because if I had a bad day and just some certain words or actions could trigger memories of back then, they couldn't know why I reacted the way I did or what was the problem. If I didn't tell them about my past, they couldn't avoid such topics in order to not make me feel bad. Thus, I one day told them that I had been in a toxic relationship when I was a teenager and that I was manipulated, threatened and that some certain topics or phrases could still trigger memories and even panic attacks.
"Yeah, I am", Teija quietly said. "I couldn't take seeing my best friend suffering like that, I had to do something. But I think nowadays, you're thankful for that, aren't you?" "Oh, I am... I don't know if things would have ended this well if I had been with her for even longer or if I wouldn't have gone to the police." "By the way", Tiina now interferes, "you told us that you planned to call the responsible people to try to find out what happened after you went to the police. Did you already do that?"
"Yeah, I did, last week." Since I still sometimes had panic attacks, the therapist suggested I could try to find out if anything happened to Aava after I had reported what she did to me. She thought it might help me to get over my past. At first, I wasn't really convinced because I was afraid that I'd be told that nothing happened and she wasn't sentenced at all and it could make me feel worse but Joel and I talked a lot about it and eventually, I decided to follow the therapist's suggestion. It took quite a while until I finally found the phone number of the police officer I had talked to but then Joel sat down together and with him holding me tightly, I managed to call her.
"So, of course the police officer couldn't tell me anything but she gave me a number I should call. I don't really remember who that man was but I think he was a prosecutor or something connected to that. At first, he misunderstood me and thought it was about something that happened not a long time ago so he told me that Aava is in prison right now but obviously, that's not connected to what happened to me back then." "She is in prison? That means she won't be able to harm you in any way right now!", Sofia immediately answers.
"It does...", I softly smile. "I then told him that I'm asking about a different situation that happened fifteen years ago and well... There was a discussion in court, I just wasn't informed about it for some reason. Since she has done the same with other people before me, she actually received a suspended prison sentence. So she got punished for what she did to me." "That's amazing!" Kristiina immediately shouts. "I mean, of course not the fact that you weren't her only victim but the fact that she got sentenced to prison and that she is in prison right now are really good. She doesn't deserve to be free and able to do the same shit with other people", she then quietly adds.
"Yeah...", I quietly say and look at Joel who is sitting on the couch with Niko and emptying another bottle of beer. Well, he'll be the one suffering from a hangover tomorrow. "But without Joel, the call would have been too much for me, regardless of what I was told", I mumble. "I'm just so happy that I got to know him. Not only because he makes me feel better in general, he also helps me to deal with my past and finally get over it."
"By the way, how did the two of you get to know each other? I only remember that one day, he was at yours and you invited us to party at yours but I had no idea who you were and where Joel knew you from." "Oh well", I quietly laughed and Teija and Sofia, who know the whole story, exchanged a look. "You probably know Joel enough to know that he used to hook up with random women he got to know in a bar. And well, I did the same with guys. So, when we saw each other at the bar, we were flirting a bit, went to mine and after that, we both couldn't really move on with other people but felt drawn to each other for some reason", I quickly sum up our story without telling the details about how I wanted him to finally leave me and to never approach me anymore.
"Well, that's love... Sometimes you find the love of your life in situations in which you really don't expect it. I mean, with me and Olli it's a totally different story but for sure not how I expected to find a boyfriend. Honestly, I didn't think I'd fall for him but when I did, I was really lucky that he felt the same and that he was also okay with how we got to know each other. I mean, that's for sure not what people like him would usually do. But I'm so fucking happy that he gave me a chance, he's the best that could have happened to me." The wide smile on Kristiina's face and the sparkle in her eyes tell even more than what she was saying. I can see pure love in her face.
"Oh yeah, same goes for me with Joel", I add as suddenly, someone wraps his arms around my waist. "Did we hear our girls talking about us?", Olli, who did the same to Tiina as Joel did to me, now asks grinningly. "You did", Tiina responds before she turns around to kiss Olli. "Luckily you only said good things about me", Joel chuckles and as I turn around to him, too, he places a soft kiss on my forehead. "Hey, love", he whispers before taking another stool and placing it between Kristiina and me.
As Olli sat down between Kristiina and Sofia, we start talking again. "May I ask how you got to know each other and what you mean when you say that you were lucky that Olli gave you a chance?", Teija asks Kristiina. Of course, she doesn't know her and her story at all. I actually don't know how they got together either so that question is quite interesting for me, too. "Well, that's quite a long story and I don't know if everyone here is interested in me talking about that for a while now", Kristiina wonders loudly. "Well, I of course do know about our story but I've never heard how you experienced that all so actually, I'm really interested in hearing that", Olli says while taking Kristiina's hand.
Since we all agree, Kristiina agrees to tell her and Olli's story of getting to know each other. "But I gotta warn you, it's a rather long story and maybe also a bit cliché and something that sounds rather like a love story written by a teenager than reality", she quietly laughs before she takes a deep breath and starts telling.
So... This is it. The epilogue of my second story. Although this story was never planned to be this long, it's crazy for me that the story is fully told already. I don't want to let go of Joel and Lene...
Also, is anyone of you interested in hearing the story of Kristiina and Olli? I might have some plans already... 👀 Follow me to be notified when I'll tell you more about it!
Again, thanks to all of you who read this story, commented and voted on it! Especially I want to thank IamLizziet because you are always there for me when I need someone to talk to. You also made it possible for me to write the darker chapters of Marlene's story and that means a lot to me! 🖤