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Nagmamadali ako sa paglabas ng opisina dahil sa mga nakarinig, I'm already okay. But everytime I hear things related to him, I just can't help to be affected! Ayoko nang bumalik sa mga araw na halos hindi ko na kayang umahon sa sakit na nararamdaman, I'm done with it!
Hindi biro ang mga pinagdaanan ko para bumalik ako sa lusak na pinanggalingan ko, I'm already okay. Bakit ba pakiramdam ko ay hindi pa rin?
When will this feeling ever stop?
When will I ever be happy again?
"Jasmine, wait up!" I heard him called
I'm shaking but I still managed to walk straight out of here, idagdag pa ang sakit ng ulo ko dahil sa hangover. I knew it wasn't a good decision to go to school today, kung hindi lang talaga dahil kay Daddy, paniguradong hindi ako nag-iisip ngayon
Melancholy suddenly embraced my soul, pilit kong pinipigilan ang maluha. I shouldn't be affected anymore! I'm fine, he's probably fine, we are all fine! Bakit ba pilit ko pa ring binabalikan ang nakaraang hindi naman talaga para sa akin?
"Sandali nga!" his deep voice rumbled
One touch and I know that I have to let go the thin string of emotion I've been holding ever since I've heard it. I buried my face into my palms and started to cry,
I felt his hands holding my elbows, hinila niya ako palapit sa kanya at ang pagpalahaw ko ay mas lalong lumakas. I don't remember when was the last time I cried like this,
But this is the first time, someone is comforting me..
"Ssh.." he softly hushed, he held me by his arms. Marahan ang pagkakahagod nito sa likod ko, I was sobbed real hard when I felt that he's guiding me to walk towards somewhere
Habang umiiyak ay kusang sumunod ang mga paa ko sa lugar nang pinagdadalhan niya, he stopped at a gazebo. Magaan ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin, like I'm some fragile glass that's breakable anytime.
"Are you okay?"
I halted upon hearing his question, the big question I've been meaning to answer myself everyday..
Am I really okay?
Sunod sunod ang naging pag-iling ko bilang sagot sa kanyang tanong pero mukhang hindi niya nakuha iyon, "Why are you crying?"
His voice sounded so concern and panicky, it was soothing that I've felt comfort while hearing it. Kahit ang pagkakabigkas niya ay nagbigay ginhawa sa akin, I wanted to stop crying but it just won't stop. Pinalis ang mga luha sa mata ko at sinubukang tumayo
Naging mabilis ang aksyon niya dahil sa ginawa ko, he held me and I took that opportunity for support. My knees were wobbling, I'm tired but I also wanted to go home..
"Leave me alone, I'm fine.." nanginginig kong sambit, "I just want to go home,"
He looked at me tenderly, nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakita ang pag-iling niya sa ideya kong pag-uwi. "No.."
Umiling din ako dahil hindi ko makuha ang ibig niyang sabihin. This is the very first time he saw me this weak, I've never been weak to anybody. Not even my family.. Kuya Jarvis may have seen the worst state of me but they never knew how weak I was. I've always wanted to look strong in front of them,
"I'm driving you home.." my heart throbbed, trying to fathom what he said
Parang akong napapaso sa mga hawak niya lalo nan ang magsimula siya sa paghila sa akin patungo sa parking lot. I still have class but I don't care about it right now! Pero siya, sigurado akong importante ang mga klase niya. I always heard he's a top student so missing a class would mean so much to him
"I.. can go home alone, you still have class!" I sobbed, pointing out the reason why he shouldn't drive me home
We're not friends or even acquaintances, mas pabor pa nga siguro kung magkaaway dahil hindi naman kami nagkakasundo. I'm not that heartless to order him around na bring me home, he should know his priorities in life
Dumireto siya sa sasakyan niya, a silver Benz, I haven't thought of him as a guy who likes sports car. Pakiramdam ko ay mas bagay sa kanya ang mga SUV type, besides, ni hindi ko naman alam kung ano ang dala niya kahapon sa Polteris. Maybe he owns some SUVs too!
I wandered as we walk towards his car, he's bringing me home. Then, babalik pa ba siya sa klase pagkatapos akong ihatid? I'm gazing at him, confused with his actions all of a sudden. Dahil ba iyon sa naging pag-iyak ko? Ngayon lang ata tumagal ang pagsasama namin na hindi kami nagtatalo,
He opened the front seat and offered me to go inside, I muttered a small thanks. Sinarado niya iyon at mabilis na umikot papuntang driver's seat, I was silently watching every move he makes. I'm still in daze because of crying and this.. his sudden concern
"Seatbelt," he reminded before maneuvering the car
Tahimik ang naging byahe namin pauwi ng bahay, I shouldn't be shocked when he knew where our house is dahil ilang beses na siyang nakapunta doon. We are entering Taguig when he broke the silence between us. Tanging ang mahina tunog galing sa stereo ng kanyang sasakyan ang nasa likod noon,
"Why are you crying?"
I stifled a new set of tears upon hearing it, I shifted my weight turning my body to the side. Tingin ko ay nakuha niya ang naging kilos ko, I don't want to answer him. I don't even want to share anything about it, not a single word. I felt a heavy burden on my side, pakiramdam ko ay anumang oras ay papalahayaw na naman akong muli
I'm tired of crying, who likes crying anyway?
I guess the only thing I hate about loving someone is moving on. I shouldn't have attached and depended myself so much to him, lalo na kung iiwan niya lang rin naman ako. With his bullshit reasoning? Ni hindi man lang niya ako sinubukang intindihin, he knew about my problems. I opened myself to him, yet he still didn't stay.
"I'm gonna stay with you.. I'll try my best to understand you. That's how much I love you,"
Sa umpisa lang siya magaling, putangina, sa umpisa lang lahat!
"I don't know why did you cry all of a sudden? One moment you were happy, then the next, you're crying in despair." nilingon niya ako, "I just want you to know that I'm here, I will always be here.."
His last words were softly said, halos hindi ko na iyon narinig pero dahil sa pagiging tahimik ko ay naging malinaw iyon. I just closed my eyes, not wanting to take in with whatever he said
Narinig ko na 'yan Kislev, I'm not falling for it again
I woke up with some murmurs around me, mabigat ang mga mata ko kaya hirap idilat iyon, gawa nang pag-iyak
"Thank you for bringing my daughter home,"
"No problem tita," he paused, "She was just really devastated so I had to bring her home,"
I felt a brush on my arms, marahan ang pagkakahagod doon. Someone sighed before talking,
"Why did she cried? Maga ang mga mata niya,"
Tumikhim siya, "Wala siyang nabanggit but she walked out from the meeting upon hearing the news,"
"What news?"
"The date of the competition, tita. It will be held in Paris on April 3rd," he said
"I don't remember her having bad memories in Paris and on that specific date," she sighed, I felt her staring at me
"Maybe it has something to do with Tyrone.."
"Who's Tyrone?"
Kahit na pagod pa ang mata ko ay pinilit kong idinilat iyon kaya nabaling ang atensyon nilang dalawa sa akin. Mabilis na humiwalay sa akin si Mommy at inalalayan ako sa pagtayo. Saka ko lang natanto na nasa kama ako, how did I got here?
Ni hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog ako sa byahe, I looked at Kislev and he's still here. Anong oras na ba? Hindi pa siya babalik sa klase?
"Hija," I closed my eyes
When I opened my eyes, I saw her smiling at me. Sinubukan niyang maging sinsero iyon pero naghahalo ang pagtatantsya niya sa pagpeke noon. I clearly remember the days when we were great, if it weren't for her cheating issues.. I'd probably loved her more
Tears quickly pooled my eyes again, and I tried to stop it from falling but I failed. Tumulo iyon at nakita ko ang pangamba sa kanya nang makita iyon. She quickly held me in her arms and allowed me to cry over her shoulders. Si Kislev ay tahimik lang sa gilid na nanonood sa amin,
I'm trembling from his embrace, hindi ko napigilang yakapin siya dahil sa mga pagkakataong ito ay kailangan ko iyon. I remember we were like this whenever I got bullied back then, siya ang kakampi ko sa lahat ng bagay. She takes care of me, maybe because I was the princess of the family. I'm her only daughter. Pero nagbago ang lahat ng iyon dahil sa ginawa niya
When she decided to have an affair and leave her family, her first family. I loathed him so much lalo na nung nakita ko kung paano nasaktan si Daddy at si Kuya Jarvis dahil doon. It was wake up call for our family, tanging si Justin lang ang nanatiling inosente sa lahat ng bagay. And we all decided not to tell any single detail to him, dahil ang epekto sa akin noon ay sobra na. My dad can't take it if Justin would be compromised too.
Mabilis akong humiwalay sa pagkakayakap sa kanya, na para bang pagkakamali iyon. It was. We're still not okay, I was just having a bad day and I needed comfort. But that doesn't mean that we're okay..
"Ah!" iniwas ko ang tingin ko dahil sa nangyari, I glanced at Kislev who was looking at me dearly. Yumuko ako at humugot nang lakas ng loob bago siya tinignang muli,
"Thank you," mahina kong bulong
"You're welcome,"
He sincerely smiled, it was a sincere one because it mirrors my expression whenever I was genuinely happy with the things that I'm receiving,
You're weirding me out, Kislev.
Hindi ko alam kung kailan umalis si Kislev, I went upstairs to take a rest at naging maayos naman ang tulog ko buong maghapon. Nagising lang ako dahil sa mahihinang katok mula sa pintuan ko, dumilat ako at nakitang madilim na ang kwarto
I heard the door open and someone went inside, lumubog ang paanan ng kama ko kaya napatingin ako doon. Justin was smiling at me sadly kaya naman naalarma ako doon. Did something happened?
Mula sa kanyang pwesto ay lumipat siya sa tabi ko, umatras ako at hinigit ang comforter para mabigyan siya ng espasyo. May ideya na ako kung bakit siya nandito pero siguro naman ay hindi niya alam iyon.. Besides Kuya Jarvis, he was the one who was with me when I was crying over Tyrone. Alam niya ang lahat ng hinagpis ko, she was even there when I was battling with my mental health. He's my ally!
"I heard everything.." he whispered, enough for the two of us to hear
"If you're just here to talk about him, please leave me alone.." mahina kong pakiusap bago bumalik sa pagkakahiga sa kama. I won't entertain any thoughts about Tyrone again,
"Are you really okay? It's been years, are you still hurting?"
Nanatili akong walang imik doon. Siguro nga tanga ako, tanga pa rin ako hanggang ngayon kasi nasasaktan pa rin ako. I can't even accept what happened to us, so I'm probably stupid.
Ang tanga tanga mo, Jasmine!
"Ate, you should move on.." I could feel his smiles, the concerned one. "You deserve some better. Yung taong maiintindihan ka, mamahalin ka, and the boy who would stay with you through thick or thin."
"Let go of the things that keeps on hurting you. Mahal kita ate, I just want you to be happy. Remember what I told you?" he sighed, "No one ever hurts my sister, I'll beat the fuck out of him. I don't care if I'm in still in highschool. I'm gonna protect you, Kuya Jarvis and I will protect you no matter what."
I silently cried once again as I heard his little voice in my head, masyado pa siyang bata noong nakita niya akong umiiyak. He was hurt too when Tyrone broke up with me. He treated him as a big brother, lalo na noong ikinasal si Kuya Jarvis at kami na lang ang naiwan sa bahay noon.
"Ate.. why are you crying?" he sat beside me,
Mabilis kong pinalis ang mga luha sa mata ko at sinubukang ngumiti sa kanya, Justin hugged me at napaiyak ako lalo dahil doon. He's just a Grade 5 student pero ang tangkad niya maaabutan na ako.
"Ate's fine," pilit kong pagpapakita sa kanya noon
I held his face, making it face me. "From now on, Kuya Tyrone won't be visiting us anymore ha. We kind of had a problem and we're no longer together.." pagpapaliwanag ko
Tumagal ang titig niya sa akin at nakita ko ang dilim ng ekspresyon niya, gayang gaya nang kay Daddy. With the way he looked at Mommy when she ran away, "Is that the reason why you're crying?" he asked
Ayokong aminin sa kanya iyon dahil mataas ang tingin niya kay Tyrone kaya siniguro kong hindi siya masisira sa paningin ng kapatid ko pero taliwas pa ata iyon sa magiging plano ko
"Don't worry ate, no one's gonna hurt you again! I'm going to kill them! Ipapasuntok ko kay Kuya Jarvis!" he even closed his fist like he's about to call a fight
Natawa ako dahil sa ginawa niya kaya mabilis ko siyang niyakap, we ate ice cream the whole afternoon and enjoyed some movies. He made sure that I'll be okay, he was there when I needed comfort the most.
He kissed my forehead making a lone tear fell from my eye, mahigpit ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin at doon ko binuhos ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. I treasure Justin so much, he made me completely happy when I was suffering from my anxiety and trauma. Siya na lang ang kakampi ko, sila ni Kuya Jarvis. Iwan man ako nang lahat, I'm sure they won't leave me alone..
I closed my eyes and prayed, I mentally noted to myself everything he said.
I'll try my best, Justin. I'll move on, I know I deserve someone better..
Mabilis kong ibinaba ang cellphone ko pagkatapos mabasa ang mensahe ni Jeron at Oliver, talagang sabay pa nila naisipang magiwan ng mensahe. Oh well, pinagsabay ko rin naman sila. Jeron was my 89th victim whilst Oliver was my 90th.
Was. Because I'm breaking up with them right now
"Get out of my way!"
Nilingon ko ang komosyon na nangyayari sa corridor, I sighed as I saw how the girl was miserably picking up her things na tinabig ni Ysabelle. Tumagilid ang ulo ko at pinagmasdan kung paano sinipa at tinapakan ni Ysabelle ang mga gamit na pinaghihirapang pulutin ng babae
What did Kislev ever do to her? She was known to be one of the most prim and proper students in Beaddleton, but after I saw her in the comfort room. Nakita ko kung gaano kalaki ang ipinagbago niya,
Umiling ako at mabilis na tinungo ang babae, the people surrounding them quickly gave me space. Ngayon ay nasa akin na ang atensyon nila pero binalewala ko lang iyon. I blocked Ysabelle's way kaya napatigil siya, even the poor girl looked up to me.
"Why are you being rude to the girl? Wala namang ginagawa sa iyo?" I asked
She scoffed and laughed hysterically like what she heard was a joke, "Why do you care so much? Hindi ba't ganyan ka rin naman?"
I smirked, pinantayan ang tingin sa kanya. "Yes, but things changes."
Dinaanan ko siya at dumiretso sa babae para tulungan siyang tumayo, "Are you okay?" I asked
The girl trembled in fear and nodded continuously, "T-thank you,"
I smiled at her and offered my hand, mabilis ko siyang nilagay sa likuran ko at hinarap si Ysabelle na nakatanga pa rin dahil sa nangyayari. The look on her face is priceless!
"Sa susunod, 'wag mong idamay yung mga taong walang namang ginagawang masama sayo. Alamin mo kung sinong kakalabanin mo, you looked pathetic tormenting somebody who did nothing wrong to you." I smiled,
"In short, mukha kang tanga."
Iniwan ko siyang tulala doon habang pinagtatawanan siya ng ibang tao, ang iba din ay natuwa sa ginawa ko. I titled my head when I heard the crowd clapping their hands, bakit ganun ang naging reaksyon nila? I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction, akala ko nga ay iba-bash pa ako dahil sa ka-plastikan.
I hurriedly ran to my room nang makitang malapit nang magsimula ang klase. This will be the last day that I'll be attending my regular class since magsisimula na rin ang practices namin kaya special classes na ang a-attendhan ko.
"What was that?!" bulyaw ni Rebecca nang magkasalubong kami sa labas ng classroom, mabuti na lag at walang pakielam ang mga tao dito kaya hindi nila inusisa ang pagsigaw ni Rebecca
Patago akong umirap bago siya nilagpasan para dumiretso sa pwesto ko, naramdaman ko ang pagsunod niya. She's asking what was that? Well, that was real. It wasn't a show. Hindi ako nakipagplastikan noong tinulungan ko ang babaeng binu-bully ni Ysabelle.
You may not believe it but what pushed me to change is because of what Justin said,
You deserve someone better
You deserve someone better
You deserve someone better
Yes, I really do deserve someone better, and for me to able to find that someone kailangan kong bumalik sa kung sino ako noon. Kasi minsan naisip ko, hindi ko naman makikilala si Tyrone kung hindi ako kung sino ako dati.
Before I thought Tyrone was better from my ex-es because he was the best! But it turns out, hindi pala siya better. He was the worst among them! That's why the thought of bringing back the old me made me realize what I've lost after everything that happened
"You're back to your old you? I like that," bulong ni Helena, tinignan ko siya pero kinindatan niya lang ako
Tama kaya yung desisyon ko?
Tama bang balikan ko yung dating ako para malaman ko kung gaano kalaki ang pagbabagong naganap sa akin?
Bago pa magsimula ang klase ay napalingon ako kay Rebecca na parang may sinasaniban, I even heard her murmuring words
"Lord. Oh Lord, I'll pray to you everyday. I'll even attend mass every Sunday, o kung gusto ninyo ay araw araw basta ibalik ninyo ang kaibigan ko! Kinikilabutan ako dahil sa mga ginagawa niya!"
Tinamaan ng magaling, napailig na lang ako pagkatapos marinig iyon. Parang gusto ko siyang kalimutan, parang hindi ko siya kilala
The class finished early than expected, nag-aayos lang ako ng gamit habang sina Rebecca ay nagbabalak na kung saan kakain ng lunch dahil apat na oras ang break namin bago ang susunod na klase. That's why I love Fridays, sobrang luwag ng schedule ko!
I'm about to pick up my bag when I heard Helena calling out my name, "Jasmine! Someone's looking for you!"
Nilingon ko siya at agad na kinabahan dahil hindi siya ang naabutan ko. I saw him leaning on the door frame again, with his hands inside his pocket. Ang kanyang uniform ay nakabukas ang dalawang butones at kita ang panloob niyang t-shirt. He's standing manly there while looking at me intently,
Even though my knees are weak without knowing the reason why, sinubukan ko pa ring makarating sa pintuan nang hindi natatapilok o natitisod. Why am I so tensed?! It's just Kislev!
Tumikhim ako bago siya tinignan, "W-why are you here?"
Nagkibit balikat siya bago nagsalita,
"Have lunch with me?" my heart was pounding and throbbing so loud
What?