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One cannot hide for long. At some point, all lies made would be brought out into the light, all things unsaid would be said, all things undone would happen. I should know that, of course, but in those moments I seem to have forgotten it.
As I stand in the doorway, the paper in my hand, the one she had written for me, still only half-read, my eyes open wide as I watch her at the desk, my box of lilac letters before her.
"Serene," I call out as she abruptly stands up, leaving the paper in her hands to fall onto the desk.
"Hy- since- since when? Why... why did you never speak of this?" she questions, raising one of her hands to her forehead. I look down, tightly closing my eyes.
She exhales hardly, and I raise my head. "You want me to have told you when you were still in a relationship with another man?" I ask her, and I laugh dryly as a way to hold back the tears that were beginning to form in my eyes. "No. No, you wouldn't have wanted that."
I look at the paper in my hands, and I walk to the desk, placing it beside the many letters of my creation. "Even now, Serene, I couldn't tell you. As hard as I thought about it, trying to figure out the right timing, trying to figure out the right words, nothing came to me. Because it was always him."
I do not look up at her. I do not need to. She does not need to look at me.
"It was always him, Serene. Felix. It was always Felix. It was never Hyunjin. It never even came close to that," I murmur, and my head stays hung low as the tears begin to escape my eyes. "Even- even now, Serene. Time might have passed since you two separated, but it's so clear. You're so in love with him, and he's so in love with you, and I- I am just not the one."
I look up finally, and I chuckle. "You try to hide it, but, Serene, just look at what you're writing, telling me that it's for me. Reread it, go on," I say, nodding my head for her to get a hold of the paper again. She does not take it, but I do not quiet. "You describe him so unawarely. Every word you write is meant for him, and it is nothing but a simple lie whenever you tell me the words are written for me, for all you ever saw was him." I bite my lip, looking away from her.
"I saw the entire universe in you, but to you, I was nothing, maybe just a simple friend, but him- Felix- he was, and still is, the man you love. Everything was right there, the way I looked at you, the way I got when you were around, my feelings, my love for you- it was all right there- but you were too busy loving someone else to notice any of it. And, all- all I ever wanted was for you to look at me the way you looked at him. I- it's just-"
"I'm sorry," she suddenly cuts me off. "I truly am sorry." And so abruptly, she grabs her purse, running out of the office.
I am left in a mess.
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