Payu tilted his head back on the bed and closed his eyes, waiting several minutes before beginning.
"Several months ago, P'Pakin asked me to meet with a business associate of his. His name is P'Kittisak. He wanted a new headquarters designed closer to Bangkok. P'Pakin asked me to take the job as a favor to him. I didn't really want to do it because I knew how much of my free time it would take. And while I trust P'Pakin, I didn't really know this other person and what they might be like. People in their line of business aren't always the best of people. So, I was nervous but I didn't really know how to say no. So, I agreed to meet with the man."
Payu looked over at Rain who still sat with his head resting on his knees with eyes trained on Payu's face. Rain had stopped crying and Payu didn't know if that was a good thing or not.
"The first time I met him, P'Pakin and P'Chai went with me. They joked around a bit and at the time I got the impression they were friends. I guess I felt relieved and more confident that it would be okay. So, I agreed to take the job."
Payu paused, looking down at Rain's hand. He held tightly to Rain's hand but Rain's hung loosely in his with no grip. He knew he should feel relieved that Rain was letting him hold his hand at all, but it hurt knowing that Rain didn't really want to be holding it.
"At the meeting, he explained the job to me and we discussed compensation and the timeline, which was a very fast turn-a-round time. The amount of money he offered me was shocking to be honest. I guess I felt flattered that someone like him would want to hire me and that the payoff was that big. But then he started talking about how long I had to get it done. I was freaking out inside because there was just no way I could get it done that fast and still do my job at P'Mhok's firm. I looked over at P'Pakin and he just nodded at me. I knew he was telling me to say yes. I should have said no. I know that now and I kind of knew that then. I just couldn't get my mouth to say the words "no thank you." So, I said yes. I said yes and I wish every day I hadn't."
"Also at that first meeting, P'Kittisak introduced me to his daughter, Hathai."
At that, Payu felt Rain's hand pull from his and move back to rest with his other hand under his knees. Payu struggled to breath and looked up at the ceiling. After a moment, he looked over at Rain whose head had turned back down, no longer looking at Payu.
"Rain, I promise nothing happened with Hathai. Absolutely nothing. Her father asked her to be in charge of a lot of the design decisions. So I did work with her a lot. But nothing happened. I swear. She didn't know about you because I didn't talk to them about you. I didn't really want them to know about you. We became friends. But that's it. She's actually really nice and I think you'd like her. Not her father, but her I think you'd like. But I need you to understand that our relationship ended there."
Payu waited a moment hoping Rain would respond. But Rain remained still and did not react.
"Rain, sweet boy. Please look at me. I want you to look at me while I tell you this."
Rain slowly turned his face towards Payu but his eyes remained shut.
"Please," said Payu again.
Rain opened his eyes.
"I did not have a romantic relationship of any kind with Hathai. None at all. Please tell me that you hear and understand that before I go on."
Rain quietly stared at Payu. After a few moments, Rain softly answered, "I understand." Then his head returned to its downward facing position.
"Thank you Rain."
Payu took a few breaths and continued.
"So, I told you and P'Mhok about the project and you both were very understanding in the beginning. I know it took almost all my time away from you and you never complained. You were such a good boy. Too much of a good boy, it turns out."
"About a month into the project, I just knew I wasn't going to meet the deadline. There was no possible way I could do it without help. I was so nervous because I didn't know what P'Kittisak would say. If it had been P'Pakin, I would have just told him and renegotiated but I didn't really know this other man. But I had no choice, so I met with him to discuss the deadline. I asked if we could move it back or if I could have someone from P'Mhok's firm step in to help. He said no and was not happy that I had asked. He told me I was lazy and untalented. He said that he had trusted P'Pakin when he recommended me. Hathai tried to reason with him and defend me but he smacked her in the face and told her to shut up. I knew then that I had fucked up taking this job."
Payu put his head in his hands and took some steadying breaths. When he sat back up, he noticed Rain had lifted his head and was watching him.
"What did he do P'Payu?" Payu stared at Rain for a moment before responding to his question.
"He didn't do anything to me exactly. He gestured to his bodyguards and"
"He has bodyguards?" Rain asked.
"Yes, he has bodyguards. Big ones. Anyway, they came over to stand behind me. He stood up and told me that I was going to finish the project on time and without help. He didn't say anything specific would happen but he said he knew that I lived with my brother and that I had a boyfriend. He asked, "You wouldn't want anything to happen to either of them would you?" And so I just shook my head no and said I was sure I could get it done."
Payu clenched his hands, nails biting into the skin.
"You should have told me P'" Rain said with more behind his voice.
"Yes. I know. I should have. At the time, I didn't want to scare anyone. I thought I could handle it. I should've told you. I should've told Saifah. I probably should have told P'Pakin. But I just thought I could handle it. I'm the Architecture Faculty God. Shouldn't I be able to handle one high-pressure job?" Payu said, choking on a bitter laugh.
"P'Payu, everyone needs help sometimes."
Payu shook his head.
"I didn't want it to become anyone else's problem."
"But I always share my problems with you. Your problems are my problems too. You should know that." Rain interrupted.
"I know. I mean on some level I knew that but I just couldn't admit I was underwater. So, I just decided I would finish the job on time. And I did. I finished it. On-time. And P'Kittisak loved it. Which should sound great and should make me feel proud. But it doesn't because look at what it cost me. I look around and see one well-done project surrounded by the absolute mess I've made of everything else in my life. P'Mhok is upset with me for taking so much time off at work and missing deadlines there."
"And then I look at you. Because I didn't want to ask for help, because I couldn't admit I was scared, I might lose you. All over my ego. The person I have been these past few months is not who I want to be. It's not me. Not really. I should have talked to you. I know that. But I can't change that now. All I can do is say I'm sorry. Over and over because what else can I say? I can say it won't happen again because it won't. I swear. I can promise to communicate better. I can promise to be honest when I am overwhelmed and scared. I can promise to be better. To do better. To go back to the way we were before this. But I don't know if it is enough for you because the one thing I can't do is take it all back like it never happened. Because it did. I did this to us."
Payu paused and reached out again for Rain's hand, unsure if Rain would accept the gesture. Rain looked down at Payu's hand on his, allowing Payu to hold it. He moved his legs to sit cross-legged facing Payu.
"Thank you for finally telling me all of that. I really do wish you could take it all back and that you had not done any of this. That I had not felt like this for months. Alone. Abandoned. I questioned if you still loved me. If you were leaving me. If you had met someone else. If you had finally figured out I was too immature for you. If I hadn't been a good boy. My mind did not shut off. I suffocated from it. And you never noticed or cared. I tried so hard to be a good boy. I studied and turned everything in on time. I ate all my meals. I made sure I slept. But you were never there to notice."
"I'm so sorry Rain."
"I believe you are sorry. I do. But that doesn't erase how much I hurt. How long I've been hurting. To be honest, I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now other than sad and disappointed."
Payu cringed at the word disappointed but knew it was deserved.
"All I can say right now is that I don't want to break up." Rain said. "Not yet, anyway."
Payu felt the tears start to fall down his face. He was relieved that Rain wasn't breaking up with him today but terrified that it was still something Rain was considering.
"I'm going to need some time and I don't know how long that will be. I don't trust you like I did. I don't quite believe that you still love me like you did."
"What can I do? I'll do anything. Anything you need." Payu said, still crying.
"I don't know how to answer that right now. I think I need some time alone without you so I can think about what happens next. I'll move back home for now. Whether it's for the long-term, well we'll just wait on that. Can you do that? Can you give me some space until I'm ready?"
Payu looked down at Rain's hand in his for a while before answering.
"Yes. I can do that. I'll do whatever you need for however long you need it."
Rain pulled his hand from Payu's and stood up. Payu followed him up onto his feet.
"Do you promise to let me know once we can talk again? And can you just send me one text each day so I know you are okay? I won't text back if you don't want me to." Payu said.
"I can do that. One text a day just to check in. And I will let you know when I'm ready." Rain answered.
"Can I get a hug before I leave?" Payu asked with his arms shakily outstretched.
Rain nodded and moved to rest his head on Payu's chest. Payu tightened his arms around Rain and kissed the top of his head.
"I'm so sorry Rain for all of this and for disappointing you. I love you Rain, so much. I will wait for the day I can call you Monkey again."
Rain pulled from the embrace and looked up at Payu. "Bye P'Payu."
"Bye sweet boy." Payu answered and turned to walk out the door. He nodded to Prapai and Sky on his way out. He walked slowly to his car, got in, and shut the door. He rested his head on the steering wheel and cried.
Notes:
So, unusual for me, but I felt I needed to write the next chapter quickly versus waiting until next weekend. I hope the backstory does not disappoint. In my mind, my story is more about Payu being a real person not a "God" like they talk about in the series versus what the backstory actually was. To me, the backstory wasn't really the point. It's about his perceived infallibility by others in his life. All people screw things up and I wanted to show that he could too. Anyway, happy reading? Although, it's sad as fuck. Sorry.