Headaches & Hazbins: Book 1:...

Da Specterpants

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Ya either go up or down... A small-time robber, Asher C. Burns, takes the trip down after he meets his end in... Altro

Bio/Info
Chapter 1: Sacrifice
Chapter 2: Hell-O!
Chapter 3: We'll Be Right Back!
Chapter 4: Clang Clang Clang
Chapter 5: Workaholics
Chapter 6: Dress to Impress
Chapter 7: You Don't Mess With Crows
Chapter 8: Wrench In My Plans
Chapter 9: Crow Collectors
Chapter Egg: Humpty Dumpty Dumbass Fucking Demon
Chapter 10: Fight Club: Part 1
Chapter 10: Fight Club: Part 2
Chapter 10: Fight Club: Part 3
Chapter 10: Fight Club: Part 4
Chapter 10: Fight Club: Finale
Chapter 11: Exterminated
Chapter 12: Herr Doktor
Chapter 13: Joyride
Chapter 14: Roadtrip!!!: Part 1
Chapter 14: Roadtrip!!!: Part 2
Chapter 14: Roadtrip!!!: Part 3
Chapter ???: The Crow
Chapter 15: By a Campfire on the Overlook
Chapter 16: Cutthroat Competition: Part 1
Chapter 16: Cutthroat Competition: Part 2
Chapter 16: Cutthroat Competition: Part 4
Chapter 16: Cutthroat Competition: Part 5
Chapter 16: Cutthroat Competition: Part 6
Chapter 16: Cutthroat Competition: Finale
Chapter 17: Where Did You Go?
Chapter 18: Ain't No Club Like Fight Club: Part 1
Chapter 18: Ain't No Club Like Fight Club: Part 2
Chapter 18: Ain't No Club Like Fight Club: Part 3
Chapter 18: Ain't No Club Like Fight Club: Finale
Chapter 19: Dazed and Confused
Chapter 20: The False Exterminator
-=Howdy! I'm Still Alive, I swear!=-

Chapter 16: Cutthroat Competition: Part 3

58 3 1
Da Specterpants


Asher: *Sniff* *Sniff* Mmmm! Smells like a cozy campfire!

[The opening they entered looks to be a large clearing inside the dead forest. The dirt inside the clearing is all blackened and partly scorched. Towards the center of the clearing, the ground seems to steep downwards. The ground looks more burnt the closer it is to the center of the clearing. Some of it still seems to be burning or fueled by small pieces of dead wood. There are piles of cinder and ash blowing away high into the sky. In the direct center of the clearing is a large dent in the ground that has some small shimmering flames around it. Besides the flames giving off a flickering light, the ground in the very center seems to be giving off a faint white glow. Besides the clearing, the source of the third smoke column can be seen. Like the other two from before it's another burning pickup truck that rests to the far left of the clearing. They then avert their attention to the rest of the clearing to see if there's anything else interesting. Nothing in particular catches their eyes. Asher takes another puff of his cigarette.]

Jerry: See anything?

Asher: Besides the giant ass crater and the wreck beside it? No, nothing really stands out to me.

[Jerry turns around and walks towards the back of the truck. He jumps out and takes a few steps to the side of it. He looks at his surroundings while steadily holding his shotgun.]

Jerry: C'mon. Let's take a closer look.

[He walks to the passenger door while still keeping an eye on his surroundings. Asher puts the truck in park and takes the key out of the ignition. He opens the driver's door and steps out. He then closes the door and walks to the front of the truck.]

Asher: What exactly are we taking a closer look at? I mean there's not much to look at besides oddly glowing burnt dirt...

Jerry: Well, if it isn't obvious this is where that chunk of glowstone hit the ground. And judging by the surroundings it hit pretty damn hard.

[Jerry gestures towards the very center of the crater. The center seems to slope down a slight bit into the ground where there's just more scorched dirt. There are still a few flames lingering in the center with some white specks of light fluttering off of them.]

Jerry: But as you can clearly see, It's not here anymore.

Asher: (Sarcastically) Must've been those damn wizards...

Jerry: Yeaaaaahhhh– No. It looks like we're a bit too late. Chances are someone else must have gotten here before us and snatched the glowstone before we could. They probably grabbed it and headed for the hills before anyone else showed up.

Asher: You're saying that like we've already lost even though we just got here. Are you giving up before the party gets started?

[He looks at Jerry and smirks.]

Asher: Feel free to call it and give up bud, but I'm sure as hell am not!

[Jerry looks at Asher blankly for a few seconds. Then he smirks as well.]

Jerry: Well you convinced me to come all the way out here in the first place. I might as well see it all through to the end.

[Asher gives him a thumbs up and a nice sharp-toothed smile.]

Asher: (Happily) That's the spirit!

[The two face toward the center of the crater and begin to approach it cautiously. Asher takes a deep breath from his cigarette and takes it out of his mouth. He blows the smoke into the sky above him and flicks the cigarette into a pile of burned dirt. As the two approaches halfway into the crater, Jerry speaks up.]

Jerry: You take a closer look at the center. I'll make sure no one tries to snake up on us.

Asher: Please do a better job than ya did four days ago. We don't want to have any repeats.

[Jerry glares at Asher.]

Jerry: Yea, yea. (Muttering) Water under the bridge my ass...

[Asher snickers at Jerry's reply. He continues to walk forward while Jerry stops walking and begins to survey the treeline for any potential danger. After a few seconds of walking and carefully navigating down a small slope deeper into the crater, Asher arrives at the center. He takes a close look at the very center.]

Asher: Huh... Oddly pretty...

[The dirt ground of the center is giving off a faint white glow due to the plentiful amount of white cinders spread around the area. White sparks slowly rise from the cinders and delicately climb into the sky. The closer to the center of the crater you look the more cinders you can find. Mixed sporadically into the cinders looks to be a few specks of bright light. Kind of like the specks Asher saw when he looked up at the ceiling of Hell. Asher reaches into his vest and takes out a cigarette. He places it into his mouth and reaches into his vest for his li–]

Asher: (In Head) Oh... Right... My lighter is back in my bag... And I left the matches back in the truck... *Annoyed Growl* Dammit... How the hell am I going to–

[As Asher is just about to finish complaining, his eyes stop on the very center of the crater. He looks at a patch of glowing white embers mixed in with some burnt dirt. Asher stares at it for a few seconds, thinking his choice through.]

Asher: (In Head) I mean... I could... But am I really that desperate that I'm going to light my cigarette with what is essentially holy fire?

[He stands there for a few seconds blankly staring at the embers. Then he shrugs.]

Asher: (In Head) Yea, I guess I am.

[He takes two steps forward and crouches down in front of a small patch of white embers on a dried-out stick. Asher picks up the stick and holds it in front of himself. He quietly stares at the glowing white embers. A few cinders fly off of it and slowly float away directly upward. He continues to stare at it for a few seconds before shaking his head and snapping back to the situation. He then carefully moves the burning part of the stick to the tip of his cigarette. A few seconds later the cigarette begins to catch and gives off a bit of smoke. Asher pulls the stick away from the tip of the cigarette and places it back on the ground. He stands up and looks at the tip. It has glowing white embers on the tip of it and is giving off the same cinders as the stick. Asher looks at it a bit intrigued.]

Asher: (In Head) Huh... Well alright then...

[He closes his eyes and grabs his cigarette with his left hand.]

Asher: (In Head) If it works, it works I guess.

[He begins to take a nice puff from the cigarette.]

Asher: (In Head) Hopefully this will help me stay focused– *Cough*

[Before Asher can finish his thought his eyes shoot open and he begins coughing rapidly.]

Asher: *Cough* *Cough* What the fuck! *Cough* *Rapid Coughing*

[He then seems to lose his balance and fall to his knees forcing his hands onto the ground to hold him up so his head doesn't hit the dirt. Asher's vision starts to become distorted and gets brighter as the ground begins swirling and spinning around rapidly.]

Asher: *Coughing* What the hell is– *Cough* *Cough* Is happening... *Cough*

[Asher begins to cough as his vision seems to get worse. More blurry, distorted, and brighter. He then begins to sweat heavily and closes his eyes as a bolt of pain runs through his nerves.]

Asher: *Pain* *Cough* Fuck! *Cough* It hurts! *Rapid Coughing*

???: Wow. That didn't outright kill you?

[All of a sudden Asher's vision begins to straighten out. His head starts to clear up, he begins to stop coughing, and all that pain he just felt is almost gone. Then in a sudden burst, everything clears up. His vision is straight, he's completely stopped coughing, and all that pain he felt immediately vanishes. Asher stays on his knees and hands breathing heavily. He still seems to be sweating a bit but otherwise, he seems to have recovered. Just in shock.]

???: I'm almost impressed...

[Asher puts his right foot on the ground and begins to shakily stand up. He moves his left hand onto his temple and begins to rub the sweat off of it while letting out slightly pained groans. He still seems to be in slight shock by what just happened.]

???: Almost...

[He stands up completely and stops shaking. Still rubbing his forehead he blinks slowly regaining his bearings. He stares in front of him dazed and confused. He then begins to look around at his surroundings in the crater for something. Anything.]

Asher: I... What...?

[He stops rubbing his head but continues to look in front of him confused. He seemed to have regained his senses.]

Asher: What the hell just happened?

[He sees that the cigarette is still in the corner of his mouth. Through everything he just went through it remains where he lit it. Asher grabs it with his right hand and holds it in front of him. He looks at it confused.]

Asher: (In Head) I just took one puff of this thing and I hit the ground like a first-timer...

[He then lowers the cigarette and begins to look at his surroundings. He looks incredibly confused.]

Asher: (In Head) And... That sound... That was someone talking, wasn't it? Was... Was that the voice I heard a few days ago?

[Asher rubs his head as he thinks back to when he got his throat slit a few days ago. He seems to recall it quite easily.]

Asher: (In Head) It sounded like it... The exact same weird voice... Yet...

[He continues to look around not being able to find where the voice came from.]

Asher: (In Head) No one is around...

[After looking around to no avail his attention then turns back to his cigarette. Specifically at the white embers on the tip of it which seems a bit brighter.]

Asher: *Sigh* This whole trip is just one weird wacky mess...

[Asher shrugs and places the cigarette back into his mouth. He takes in a short puff and blows out a small cloud of smoke with no problem in the slightest. He then looks at his hands still confused. For some reason, his gray skin seems to be a bit brighter. In fact, all of the environment around him appears a bit brighter and more saturated. The white embers in the dirt and the red sky of Hell are both more radiant in color. He then clutches his hands together into fists. He feels a bit different. More invigorated and energized. He then punches his fist forward and lets out a deep breath of smoke.]

Asher: *Deep Exhale* Huh... Weird.

[Asher pats the dirt off of his hands and crosses his arms. He looks off in front of him at the center of the crater.]

Asher: Now, weird physical breakdown out of the way... Where was I?

[He looks back at the center of the crater and seems to recall his objective.]

Asher: Right. Hunting for glowstone.

[Asher takes a nice puff from his glowing white cigarette and blows out the smoke. He then looks at the very center of the crater where the white cinders are and gives the area another good look now that his vision has cleared.]

Asher: (In Head) I'm guessing this is exactly where the glowstone hit the ground... Very violently according to the surroundings.

[He looks carefully around at the direct center. Then, something catches his eye that he didn't notice before. There are a pair of tire tracks near the center of the crater that seems to trail off in the opposite direction Asher came from. There also appear to be a few footsteps beside the tracks.]

Asher: Hmmm...

[Asher walks around the burning crater and towards the tracks. He takes a good look at them and the footprints. As he examines the tire tracks he raises an eyebrow. It's the same kind of tire track he saw earlier from the other pickups. As for the footsteps, there appear to be at least three pairs of them. Two of them look to be about the same size while one looks to be a bit bigger.]

Asher: (In Head) Alright, so... Judging by the footprints and tire tracks... Whoever got here before us must have driven up, gotten out, loaded up the glowstone, and then made it while the going was still good.

[He takes a puff from his cigarette and blows out a cloud of smoke. The white embers glisten before floating off.]

Asher: (In Head) There were three of them, one bigger than the other two. The big one must have loaded the glowstone up while the other two covered him. Then, once it was loaded, bolted it as soon as they could.

[He looks back at the very center.]

Asher: (In Head) Yea, that adds up...

[He walks over to the very center and gets on a knee beside it. He stares at the dirt and looks at the odd white glow coming from the cinders. They're identical to the ones coming off of his cigarette. His eyes stop on a small pile of white cinders in front of him. There are a few sparks fluttering off of it. Asher reaches over and pushes the dirt aside with his bare hand. After a quick sweep, he reveals a small glowing piece of glowstone around the size of his thumb. He takes it out of the dirt and inspects the small crystal carefully. He brushes the remaining dirt off with his thumb to clean it off and get a good look at the remarkable holy white color.]

Asher: (In Head) Yea. This reeks of Heaven...

[He rubs the piece of glowstone delicately. After his thumb grazes off of the piece it seems to react glowing a bit brighter for a few seconds before returning to its normal glow.]

Asher: (In Head) Huh... Weird. I wonder if these smaller specks are worth anything.

[Asher then tosses the piece of glowstone up into the air and catches it. He stands up and places it into his front vest pocket.]

Asher: (In Head) Alrighty... That looks to be everything of noticeable interest around here. I should probably let Jerry know the situation.

[Asher turns towards where he came from and walks back up the small slope out of the center of the crater. When he gets out he sees Jerry walking around keeping his eye out for anyone who might be eyeing them. He notices Asher walking up from out of the crater.]

Jerry: Find anything?

Asher: Nothing much, the big piece of glowstone is gone and there were some tire tracks next to it indicating a possible lead on where we should go next. Sooooo– We have that to go off of.

[He walks over to Jerry and stops in front of him.]

Asher: Oh, and whoever was here before us missed a few smaller pieces lying in the dirt. They're smaller than the ones you have stashed back at the workshop. Are they worth anything?

Jerry: No, not really. Nobody is gonna pay any mind to the smaller pieces. It's the big one that fell where the money is at.

Asher: Eyes on the prize I suppose...

Jerry: Speaking of which, if we want to stand a chance of getting our hands on the prize we better get moving.

Asher: That makes sense. But do you mind if I take a closer look at that wrecked truck before we move on?

Jerry: Any particular reason why?

Asher: I want to make sure that it matches up with the other two previous wrecks. Who knows, we could be dealing with something else besides dynamite.

Jerry: Alright, you got somewhat of a point. Sure.

[Jerry raises his left arm and taps his lift wrist with the barrel of his shotgun a few times.]

Jerry: Just make it quick, we're on a pretty tight schedule.

Asher: Sure thing.

[Asher walks away from Jerry and towards the pickup wreckage they saw when they first arrived. He approaches it from the side and stops at a safe distance. It looks identical to the two previous wrecks. The cab is currently on fire causing a thick column of black smoke to rise into the sky. The back of the pickup is wrecked but not on fire. It looks like it went out on its own recently. Like before it looks like something exploded inside of it. Unlike the other two pickups, there aren't any corpses inside of it. Asher raises an eyebrow a bit confused.]

Asher: (In Head) Hmmm... No bodies in the truck... Front and back...

[Asher takes a few steps to his right and navigates to the back of the truck. He looks at the other side of the wreck for any sign of life. Nothing.]

Asher: (In Head) None on the other side either... Hmmm...

[With no results he walks back to where he was standing before. He looks at the wreckage for a few seconds before changing his gaze to the ground around it. He looks at it seemingly a bit confused. Then, something catches his eye in the dirt. A small metallic object shines from the light of the wreckage fire. Asher walks over to it and kneels down in front of the object. He brushes the dirt aside to get a better look at whatever it is. It gives off a golden shine. Asher immediately recognizes what the small metallic object is.]

Asher: (In Head) A bullet casing?

[It is in fact a small bullet casing. He looks around where he's kneeling and finds a few more scattered here and there. He picks up one of the many bullet casings and stands up. It's rather small, about the size of a quarter. It's warm to the touch as well. Asher takes a few steps back and takes a closer look at the entire wreckage. He notices that there are more bullet casings than he first realized. A few dozen of them are littering the ground around the burning wreckage.]

Asher: (In Head) There's a lot of them. I guess this is where we heard those gunshots coming from earlier... But something is still off...

???: Whatcha find?

[Asher jumps a bit as a voice behind him startles him. He turns around and sees Jerry walking towards him. Asher gives him a nod.]

Asher: Oh, it's just you. I found some bullet casings.

[Jerry walks over to Asher and leans down a bit so he can see the casing a bit better. Asher holds the casing up above him for Jerry to see. Jerry places his shotgun in a pocket on his apron and scratches his chin.]

Jerry: Hmmm... I'm still new when it comes to bullets, but that casing looks like it belonged to a point forty-five round.

[He rises back up and regains his slouching stance.]

Jerry: I guess that's what created those gunshots we heard earlier. It's the same caliber as the pistol I gave you. But I don't think it's anything we need to worry too much about.

[Asher flicks the bullet to the ground in front of him. It blends in with the others.]

Asher: I'd be less worried if there wasn't a shit ton of them on the ground. They're scattered around the area and there's a good amount of them around the wreck.

[The two look at the ground. They can make out where more of them are due to the flicking shine of the flames from the wreck.]

Asher: Not to mention, the thing was still warm. Meaning that whoever shot it was here recently...

Jerry: Well... We heard those gunshots pretty recently as well, so I'm betting you're right.

Asher: Yea, that's a bit worrying... But... Ya know what worries me more?

Jerry: What?

Asher: Just look.

[Asher points over to the pickup wreckage. Jerry looks over at it and begins to examine it as Asher did before.]

Asher: I don't see a single bullet hole in that entire wreck...

[Jerry examines the side of the wrecked pickup truck. The metal is dented and incredibly burnt but besides that, it seems pretty solid. There aren't any holes in any of the metal parts.]

Asher: There's bullet casings, but no blood...

[Jerry looks at the ground in front of him and around the wreck. He can see all the bullet casings that he saw before along with some more here and there. But that's all he sees besides burnt dirt and ground. There isn't any blood on the ground like Asher said.]

Asher: There aren't any bodies in or around the wreck either... It's just... Weird...

[Jerry takes another look at the cab and the back of the wrecked pickup. There isn't a single corpse located in or around the vehicle. The previous occupant's fates are unknown.]

Asher: And if you look even closer you'll notice that there aren't bullets in the ground around the wreck or in the trees behind it...

[Jerry doesn't even look this time. He raises an eyebrow and looks down at Asher.]

Jerry: What exactly are you getting at here bud?

Asher: Honestly... I'm not too sure... All I know is–

[Asher faces behind him and Jerry towards the treeline of the forest. He glares at it suspiciously and blows some smoke out of his mouth. He then turns around completely and faces toward the dead trees at the edge of the crater.]

Asher: I think we should be paying attention to what's behind us instead of the wreck...

[Jerry turns around as well and looks in the same direction as Asher. He reaches for his apron and takes out his shotgun. Asher moves his right hand behind him and keeps it near the grip of his pistol. The two stand there cautiously, staring daggers at the dead forest in front of them, waiting for something to happen. Then–]

*BOOM*

[A loud explosion comes from the dead forest in the direction the two are looking. The unexpected sound causes them to take a step back. A second later a large cloud of thick black smoke rises from the dead trees directly in front of the two demons. Suddenly, a pickup truck comes crashing through the trees in front of them. The vehicle's cab looks to be on fire and the driver, if they're still alive, has no control over its direction. It continues speeding forward in the exact direction of Asher and Jerry. Without much of a choice, the two jump out of the way onto the ground. Asher to his left and Jerry to his right. The flaming pickup speeds narrowly past the two and crashes directly into the wrecked pickup they were looking at before.]

*CRASH*

[The out-of-control pickup crashes violently into the wreck causing the already large fire on both wrecks to combine into an even bigger one. The pickup flips the wreck onto its side as it piles on top of it. The large fire created by the double wreck creates an even bigger smoke column that climbs high into the sky. Asher and Jerry both quickly collect themselves and look at the large double wreckage.]

Jerry: Fuck! That was a close one!

[The two get on their knees before standing up all while keeping their eyes on the huge wreckage. Jerry cleans some dirt off of his shotgun and checks to make sure it's still in working condition.]

Asher: Eh. I've had closer collisions.

Jerry: Let me guess, Travis?

Asher: Aye. That guy is the crappiest driver in the entirety of Pentagram City.

Jerry: *Sigh* There's always one of them...

*Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

[A loud burrrrrring noise can be heard nearby. Asher and Jerry both look around for the source of the noise before turning to look at where they were looking before. The treeline the out-of-control truck came through.]

Jerry: What the hell is that?

Asher: Knowing our luck, someone who wants us dead...

*BRRRRRRRRRRRR*

[The burring noise gets louder. As it starts to get louder it becomes more recognizable to the two. It's a truck engine. Suddenly, in the exact same spot the out-of-control pickup came from, two more pickup trucks speed out. These pickup trucks aren't on fire like the previous one that came flying out of the woods. The drivers of the trucks quickly hit the brakes causing them to skid to a stop. Jerry breaks open his double-barrel shotgun to make sure it's loaded. It is, and he quickly closes it. He and Asher both take some steps back away from the trucks cautiously.]

Jerry: I think you were right bud...

[Asher waves his hand dismissing Jerry's comment.]

Asher: (With A Hint of Sarcasm) Now, now, we don't know that. Maybe we won some sort of prize!

Jerry: Would our prize happen to be a few bullets to the brain?

[Just then the passenger door to the pickup on the right opens up. A demon with red skin, short curly black horns, a pair of goggles over his eyes, a red bandana over his mouth, denim overalls, and a dirty shirt places his right foot onto the truck's sidebar and leans out. The demon spots Asher and Jerry standing there.]

Bandana Demon: (Yelling) Oi! That crystal is ours!

[The Bandana Demon raises his fist and hits the side of the truck he is in. Then all the doors to the truck he's in and the one beside open up as three demons step out. Along with those three eight more who were seated in the back of the pickups stand up and hop out of the back of the trucks, four from each truck. As soon as they get into view, Asher and Jerry immediately see that they're all carrying weapons. All the demons who came out of the back of the right truck have a variety of blunt weapons like baseball bats, crowbars, or even a sledgehammer. But the demons coming out of the left truck including the driver of the right one are all carrying firearms. The drivers and passengers seem to have pistols while the demons from the back of the left truck all have Thompson machine guns in their hands. Then the Bandana Demon points at Asher and Jerry and yells.]

Bandana Demon: (Yelling) Kill 'em!

Asher: Nevermind! I was right the first time!






----------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: And now, on a completely unrelated note-

HOLY SHIT! 100 Votes! Or stars... Either one. I never thought I'd hit that number! That's just more motivation to keep on writing! And... Drawing I guess... Eh, you'll see what I mean when the cover comes out. Until then, thank you all so much! And let there be light!

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