Whoa Baby
Chapter 42- The Future Lies Ahead
"I never look back in the past darling, in distracts from the now."- The Incredibles {Edna Mode}
Though it had only been two days that JC hadn't showed up at the house it felt like I hadn't seen him in a week. I understand why though, thinking about it later on maybe I was a bit harsh about my feels. As human beings, our first reaction is to put the blame on others, and accept later that you too are wrong; because pride makes you so strong headed. Teenagers are worse. We're so hell bent on the fact that we are always right and we know everything about everything within our eighteen years of living.
The thing is though, I don't blame everything that has happened on JC. I blame myself mostly because I could have been the one to stop it. He doesn't know it though, that for a while, I would beat myself over it constantly. I was shamed, and maybe a part of me still is, because when you're born into a family like mine, a Christian family who believes that sex before marriage is frowned upon, then you're going to feel horrible about yourself, and guilty, because you know you did something nasty; sin. Though everyone sins every day, this one, out of the many handful, is taken to a higher standard.
In example, oh you lied about your age, that's a sin. Oh, you're pregnant... and not married, that's sinful. Oh, you murdered your neighbor... that's cynical. Sin is sin, yes, but I think sin in the eyes of a mortal is measured in levels. That we may see sin differently, as in which is worse; pregnant teenager or murder. We may not love or agree upon the sins committed, but God will forgive no matter what if you repent. In my point of view anyways.
I realized too, over the time I had to think about my actions, is that I have to forgive myself first in order to forgive JC. It's not so easy to forgive someone however the reason or situation may be. Christian or not, it's still hard to forgive people, it's no different. Yes you have God on your side, but you still have the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions. As Abraham Lincoln once said: "To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own." So I have to forgive myself first for the decisions I made, and tell myself it's going to be ok, and when I accept that, that is when I'll be able to forgive JC.
It may not be today, tomorrow, or next week, but eventually and with time I'll accept it. Move on, find peace; for me. And the hardest part of all is that I do not have a single clue how I'm even going to start to erase the regret and find forgiveness. I don't know how I'm going to find a way to forgive myself; and I think that's what I hate the most about myself.
But then again, I guess I'll start with God, and going back to church and praying. That sounds like a good start to me. Hopefully, a little trust will go a long way.
So I parked my car in the drive way of JC's house, a clean paved driveway, one that looked cleaned recently since we got a few inches last night. I stared at the gray house with black shutters, much opposite of my white house and black shutters. I had a knot pulling in my stomach, afraid to step back into the house for many reasons; new and old, but seeing Carrie's car parked in the driveway seemed to tell my mind that Carrie would be there if anything were to go wrong. Not that things should go wrong, or will go wrong. No, no.
Grabbing Colton's carrier from the back seat I made sure he was wrapped up in enough blankets before taking him out of the car and walking up the front wood porch steps to the Ace's residence. I rang the doorbell once, looking down at my phone in my hand with two bags on the crook of my arm. Ten in the morning, they should be up.
"Hi Carrie." I greet as cheerfully as possible when she opens the door. With a smile on my face while carrying what felt like fifty pounds in my hands.
Her mouth parted as she looked at me surprisingly. Maybe shocked to see me out of my house. "Paisley, I didn't know you were coming."
I instantly became nervous. "Oh, should I have called? I'm so sorry I-"
"No, no. Not at all. You're welcome to come any time. I'm just surprised to see you here." She explains, a small grin playing across her lips. She looks down at the baby with an expression of awe, "He gets more adorable by the day." She coos bending down to see him. "Come in, come in." She ushers waving me inside. "Those carriers are heavy if I last remember." She comments.
"Yeah they are." I gasp surprisingly. I walk into the house for the first time in a great while. Ten months to be exact. I don't remember much, and I don't know what I expected but everything at first glance looked normal. All the wood was dark, stairs directly in front of me when I walked in and I could easily distinguish that the kitchen was on my left and a living room of some sorts was on my right.
"Well JC is still in bed. I can wake him up for you if you'd like?" She offers, pointing up the stairs.
"Do you mind if I do? I kind of just want to surprise him." I said lifting up the baby carrier and small present in my other hand.
"Sure. I think that will start his morning with a smile on his face. For a change at least." She faintly chuckles. She points up the stairs, "First door on your right." Carrie tells me. "If you need me I'll be in the basement." She indicates towards a door somewhere behind her.
I nod my head, heading up the stairs quietly. I push the door open, slowly, with my index finger and peek into the room. There's a faint light so I can see around the dark room. My eyes wander to his bed finding his back facing me with his covers up to his chin. I didn't think of JC as much of a sleeping in person; especially since he claims he hasn't been sleeping well. It's ten in the morning, I'm up at eight the latest, if I'm that lucky that is.
I left the door open as I walk into his room. I put the carrier down just for a moment so I could take a break and breathe. That thing is darn heavy for an eight and a half pound baby. I went up to the curtains and drew them open a bit to let in some light. I check out his room and notice how everything looked so plain. Looking back Colton is whining as he tries to push away at the blankets I've bundled him with. I grab him off the floor propping him on the bed away from JC feet.
I take off the little hat Colt has on and fold the blankets aside. He's much happier now, his eyes darting around curiously to see where he is. JC, sleeping peacefully in his bed starts shifting around. I shrug off my jacket and throw it at the end of the bed. Putting the present next to the carrier I shake his shoulder lightly. "JC." I murmur. He sighs bringing his hand up in the air swatting me. That's when I notice he's shirtless. "JC I have a surprise for you." I say louder.
He squints his eyes when he notices me. He looks over to the bed seeing the carrier and the present. With another sigh as he sit up rubbing his hand through his hair and down his face. "What are you doing here?" He asks with a yawn.
"Happy Birthday." I say handing him his gift.
He shook his head as he drops it, "You didn't have to get me anything."
I shrug my shoulders grinning, "I wanted to do something nice." I reply sitting at the foot of the bed with my legs crossed like a pretzel.
He grins lazily rubbing his eyes. "All you had to do was bring the baby over. That makes me happy and is nice enough." He says stretching over to turn the carrier to him. "Hey dude, you're out of that house." He chuckles. With Colton kicking his legs to get out JC unclips him from his restraints and takes him out carefully.
Moving the carrier to the floor I watch him lay Colton on his lap on top of the navy blue comforter, cradling his hand behind Colt's head. He smiles and made faces as the baby kicks and squirms. I smile at the sight. JC looks up grinning with messy bed hair and morning scruff on his face. "Thanks for bringing him." He says politely.
"You're welcome, and a happy birthday." I reply folding my hands.
"I want to apologize for the other day. If you need time I should understand and respect that." He mumbles looking down. His two index fingers locked in Colton's little fits. "We all make mistakes, so please, just remember to forgive yourself too."
I felt so touched that he said that. I would have leaned over to hug him, but we were pretty far apart, and if I lean over I'll probably hug his knee or something, "Thank you." I grin. He nods his head and looks back down at the baby. "Are you going to open your present?" I ask curiously.
"You didn't have to get me anything." He repeats shaking his head.
"Just open it." I instruct. He sighs letting go one of Colton's fists. With one hand he takes the white tissue paper out and throws it to the side. He reaches in the bag blindly grabbing the first item with a confused look on his face.
It's a black photo frame with a section to put three pictures. The biggest picture was of us the day at the hospital. Baby Colton was already born a day later. JC was sitting on my hospital bed holding the baby and I was sitting behind them smiling for the camera. The second picture, a bit smaller than the first, is a picture of Colt the day I brought him home. He was sleeping in his crib, his hands tucked under his head. The last picture was a more recent one. JC sitting on my couch with his legs propped up so that Colton rested against them. JC smiles and Colton just began to do that little smirk with his lips that reminds me of JC.
It was a thoughtful gift. "Thanks Paisley." JC says with a grin, "I'll put it on my desk."
"There's more." I tell him pointing to the bag. He narrows his eyes reaching his hand in the bag. With a chuckle as he takes it out he stares at the front cover of the complete TV show box set series of Breaking Bad. Something he said he wanted to watch.
"You remembered?" He laughs, surprised as he flips it around.
"Of course I did." I say obviously. He looks up at me from underneath his eyelashes and grins.
"Drake has watched every episode. He makes references about it all the time. He thinks he can be the next Walter White." He chuckles, gazing at the back of the DVD box.
"So, you're friends with a potential future drug Lord." I say nonchalantly, nodding my head, "Nice, well, at least he has goals." I say jokingly.
"Yeah, it's just a joke. Or so I think." He chuckles, putting everything back in the gift bag I had put everything together in.
"So what do you usually do on your birthday?" I ask, crossing my legs together Indian style.
"Nothing." He responds simply, shrugging his shoulders.
"Really?" I question. To think I was the only one I knew who didn't really like celebrating birthdays.
"Yeah." He says again, shrugging his shoulders as he lets Colton hold both of his fingers. "Usually Drake and I just go out and shoot the shit." He says, "My mom makes my favorite cookies. Drake and I go to the arcade. Nothing fancy."
"You don't like celebrating your birthday either?" I figure.
"Nah, haven't really celebrated my birthday since I was, like, thirteen. Drake and I just go to the arcade, eat pizza, grab some ice cream, but that's kind of it." He says, sitting Colton up while supporting his head.
"Well that's something." I say, fixing Colton's cloths. "What's your favorite cookie?" I ask.
"Caramel pecan." He tells me, "I don't really like cake."
"Huh, I've never had that before." I mutter.
"That's unacceptable. I'll have mom make more. It's really hard to share." He says, trying to act serious; keyword trying.
"So, when are you guys going out?" I ask, kissing the back of Colton's head as he tries turning to look at me.
"I don't know. I haven't even talked to Drake in a while." He mentions, turning Colton around so that he was facing me now.
"Well maybe it's a good idea to call him up and bond. You guys can start watching Breaking Bad." I suggest, making a funny face to Colton, hoping to get a smile out of him.
"What time is it?" He asks, looking around. I grab my phone from the baby bag, "Quarter past ten." I tell him, tossing my phone back.
"Oh yeah, he's totally passed out. Somewhere." He add, shaking his head.
I pursed my lips, slowly they stretch out into a smirk, though I tried to hold it back, "Have you been, you know, passing out... somewhere."
"Not that it's any of your business, but yeah. More than previously." He responds. Yeah, I guess I really didn't need to know that.
"Sorry, I was just teasing. Just don't forget that condom or you'll have another one of these little guys running around." I end with that annoying little baby voice as I start planting kisses all over Colton.
"Just shut up." He states seriously. "That's like... No, stop talking." He says, finding it difficult to speak.
"I'm just pulling your leg. My lame attempt of being funny." I says, scrunching up my nose when I smell something stinky. "He needs a diaper change. You want to do it?"
"Not if it's a pooper." He says with a slight smirk, crawling out from the bed anyways.
Loud thundering footsteps echoed through the house, startling me and JC. "Oh hey Mrs. A!" A male voice greets, trotting up the stairs at the same time, "Johnny, you birthday bastard you better be awake!"
"Call upon the devil and he shall come." JC mutters, chuckling under his breath. Drake came bursting into the room, pausing at the door and looking around the room.
"Ay, preacher's daughter. Thought you were locked in your dungeon until you turn forty." Drake comments, leaning against the doorframe.
"Does he even know my name?" I snicker, reaching down to the baby bag to get a fresh diaper and some wipes.
"Who knows?" JC shrugs.
"Standing right here. Listening to every word." Drake drawls out.
"I'm aware." I chuckle, motioning my hands for JC to pass the baby over. "You can deal with him, I'll change the stinky diaper." I say, nodding my head over to Drake.
"Didn't think you'd show." JC says, going to high five his friend.
"It's February 20th, of course I'm going to show up." He says, slapping him on the arm. "Now go look decent, I've got money to spend, a record to beat, and a craving for greasy pizza." He says, shoving JC toward his closet, "Baby momma, want to take a day to chill with your homies?" Drake offers, snapping his fingers to me.
"No thank you. Baby momma has a baby to take care of." I snicker, laying Colton on the bed on top of the changing surface, as I carefully and quickly change his diaper.
"Suit yourself with your boring life. " Drake dismisses, waving his hand at me.
"You harassing her?" JC questions, walking into the room with his PJs in his hands, throwing them aimlessly in his closet.
"Of course. Ready? Got your box of tissues? You know, so when I beat your high score you don't have to use your shirt sleeve." Drake snickers.
"You've said that every year, twice a year, and you still haven't beaten my high score." JC points out, grabbing something out of his closet. After dressing Colton back up, I put him in the carrier, buckling him up, and tucking the blankets all around him. "You're leaving too?" He asks me.
"Yeah. What did you think I was going to do? Wait in your room all alone until you got back?" I chuckle, pulling the hat tighter over his head.
"Maybe I'll stop by later." JC mentions, grabbing the carrier as I shrug on my coat.
"Only if you bring me some of your mom's caramel pecan cookies." I joke, grabbing the baby bag from off the floor.
"I'll think about it." He chuckles, "Doesn't he look like me?" JC says, turning the carrier to Drake.
Drake towers over the carrier, looking down to Colton with an observing frown and his hands in his pockets, "Unfortunately yes." He bends down, staring more intently. "Actually, he looks more like baby momma over there."
"He so does not." JC scoffs, bringing the carrier higher up to get a closer look.
"Who knows, who cares. I just want to hit the road so I can play some games." Drake says, turning away.
"You bringing him to the car for me?" I ask, walking out the door behind him.
"Yeah. This things is getting heavier, don't you think?" JC mentions, lifting the baby carrier like a dumbbell.
"I've noticed." I agree, "Good sign though. Heavier carrier, heavier baby." We chuckle walking out the front door to the freezing cold. I unlock the car, opening the back door for JC to buckle him in. "So I'll see you sometime tonight?" I repeat, starting up the car now.
"Yeah if it's not too late." He nods, holding up his index finger to Drake who honks the horn at him.
"Alright. Don't smoke, even if Drake does." I tell him pointedly, sitting in the driver's seat.
He chuckles backing away slowly, "There's a lot of bad habits that Drake does and I don't catch on."
"Good." I said with a stiff head nod, "I'll catch you later." I tell him, "Oh and JC." I call again, stopping him in his tracks, "Happy birthday."
===
It was late at night, close to midnight. Colton had fallen asleep in JC's arms around eight, then had woken up a few hours later crying for food, so JC had feed him then too. After putting Colton to sleep again, everyone yawning around this time of night, JC and I still sat on the couch talking about stupid little things and what he had done with Drake today.
"So he didn't beat your high score then, huh?" I snicker lightly under my breath, rubbing my eyes.
"Not even close; and he won't stop trying until he beats me." JC responds, shaking his head.
"If that we me I would have gotten tired of it a while ago." I comment, propping the couch pillow, so my head was up higher, "I can't believe we've been talking for almost four... four and a half hours." I say with a yawn, covering my mouth with my hand as I did so.
"We haven't had a conversation this long since..." He pauses, thinking about it and then chuckling, "Since the first time we ever talked." He says after thinking about it, yawning too. "Do you remember that conversation we had that night on the Drop Off?" JC asks, propping his arm up on his elbow so that he rested his head in his hand.
"Not really." I mumble, narrowing my eyes as I trying remembering. To be honest I try my best to erase everything about that night.
"That was probably the first and last civil conversation we ever had." He snickers, clearly remembering. "God, what I'd give to go back to that." He confesses, looking off to the distance.
Same, I thought to myself. I'm sure our reasons were different though. "If you're trying to bring back that conversation we had the other day-" I begin to warn with a light shake of my head. Gosh, will boys ever learn.
"I just want to have one simple conversation Paisley, is that so much to fucking ask for?" He blurts out, narrowing his eyes with a scowl on his face. It was sudden and unexpected because I figured we both didn't have that much energy in us.
I glare back, not liking that he swore, "Things aren't the same as they were then JC." I remind him, looking down on the coffee table to the baby monitor. Even though there was no visual f Colton.
"For Christ sakes Paisley, can you just pretend?" He more than demands then questions after rubbing his temple and throwing his hands in the air angrily.
"JC I'm not going to pretend. This is our life now, not what it was last spring." I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and reminding myself what I was now telling myself to move on. A step towards forgiving myself, and forgiving JC. "If I've figured out one thing it's that no matter how much you keep dwelling on the past and wanting to change things life keeps going. You'll get so caught up that you'll miss the most precious things that happening now." I took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"I'm talking about conversation, Paisley. Can't we have conversations like that again? You know when I believed for a moment not everyone in this town was so hell bent in believing the worst in people, and that maybe there are some sympathetic and compassionate people sprinkled in the world. Do I have to so much as to pull the birthday card?"
I quietly stared at him for a moment, beginning to faintly remember the conversation we had. Sitting on the patchy green grass that had just come up, the spring weather meeting us for the first time that Easter day. The almost foreign warming feeling of the sun kissing your legs, neck, and face. Then there was JC, leaning back on his arms casually with a wide grin on his stubble face. The feeling of satisfaction that you may have just gave this person new found hope in themselves.
"What is it you want to tell me?" I whisper to JC, mimicking his earlier position with his head in his hand.
"I just want us to talk to each other Paisley." He says, his tone of voice still raised and annoyed even with my calm demeanor.
"We can't talk if we keep drawing lines now can we?" I tell him, licking my chapped bottom lip.
"It's driving me crazy that for some reason the only way I can find myself having a goddamn good night's rest is when you tell me sweet dreams. Do you know how damn annoyed I am-"
"Can you try talking to me without swearing? Especially when you're in front of the baby." I interrupt, shaking my head with a sigh. I don't care if Colton is almost two months old, I personally don't want to hear the swearing either. He took an exaggerated deep breath, rolling his eyes, throwing his head back and mumbling to himself angrily. "I'll call you every night. How's that sound? Is that what you want me to do?" I ask.
He's quiet for a minute, staring up at the ceiling until he mumbles a yes. I think at least. "I just don't get why." He continues muttering.
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about JC. Maybe it's something psychological. Maybe your mom used to say that to you when you were a kid to get a good night's sleep." I shrug my shoulders, coming up with some theories.
"Yeah. Maybe." He stutters, looking off into the distance again.
"What?" I question, figuring he had something going on in his head that he wasn't telling me about.
"What? Nothing. Nothing." He repeats, waving his hand at me.
"There you go again. Drawing lines, shutting me out." I sigh, leaning my head back on the couch as well, "Whatever it is JC you can tell me. As troubling or dark as you may seem to think I'm sure we can handle it together if you just trusted to tell me." I remember his mom telling me something about not wanting to "bother" me with his problems. It wasn't a bother, because at least I got to understand why he's always the way he is.
"I just don't want to worry you. I'm a big boy." He smirks, "I can handle it on my own. I just blow up sometimes. I'm working on that though."
"Is everything alright? Like at home or work? You've just been acting different for a while and I don't know what I can do to help." I say, feeling more concerned now that he's hinted about a problem.
"Just call me tonight." He says patting my knee. With a yawn he gets up, stretching his arms and cracking something.
"I don't know how I feel about you driving this late at night when you're tired." I say, shaking my head.
"I've driven out later with only a few hours of sleep. January 8th to be exact." He chuckles, walking out the room. I follow, stretching and walking like a penguin.
"Call me when you get home so that I know you're safe. God forbid something were to happen." I say as we stand at the front door, JC putting on his shoes as I yawn again. "Trying to decide if I should sleep three hours or stay awake to feed Colton again." I say, rubbing my eyes.
"Sleep." He decides for me with a serious look, "But not before I confirm my theory tonight."
"Deal." I nod, holding my thumb up, "Drive safe." I whisper as he opens the door, "One last happy birthday. Tell your mom I really enjoyed those cookies." I comment as well.
"Will do. Night." He says lastly, going out the door quickly. I go up to my room and quietly look for my PJs folded and stashed under my pillow.
Since I had already showered when JC was feeding Colton I just had to change into my PJS and brush my teeth. Taking out my contacts and dong my little bathroom ritual I put my hair into a bun as I walk back to my room. I peak into the crib, looking down at Colton to find that he once again pushed away all this blankets. I needed to get him one of those baby type snuggies. Tucking him in his blankets again I kiss his forehead, then snuggle into my bed and under the covers.
I stared at my phone for a bit, waiting for the call that allowed me to officially go to sleep. It took about ten minutes when I felt the phone vibrate in my hand. With my eyes closed I brought the phone to my ear and whispered the habit greeting of hello.
"I'm still alive." JC comments with a soft chuckle.
"Yay." I say weakly, not being able to come up with something witty. "I'm really tired, so good night JC."
"Night Paisley." He says, hesitantly.
"Sweet dreams. I hope you get some sleep." I say, mentally falling asleep after that. Shutting off the phone and plugging it in the charge was all from Paisley the Zombie.
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HELLO FRIENDS!
So as many of you have known/read we were upset with the last chapter but since many of you were ok and enjoyed and felt that the fight was necessary we decided to keep it up. So thank you for that support and positivity. If it weren't for you guys we would have taken it down.
SO WHA-LA this chapter. Yeah. Good stuff. Just like Paisley we're mentally sleeping and not really feeling this author's note. We just want to sit down and watch the Original's season finally we missed.
Chapter picture: Goes out to this girl @xoxchelsay_ for the adooooooorable banner. Even if the baby in the picture is a girl xD. Thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
Chapter song: Just because our brother is playing this right now and it sounds really groovy. Slow motion by Trey Songz
PS! If YOU or someone you know, knows how to make a stellar trailer hook us uuuuppppp! We'll shout you out with a dedication too. You know we're tired when we're trying to talk cool or geh-hetto.
PEACE!
Comment. Vote. Fan. Follow us on Twitter.- Kylie & Kelsey