Aarzoo
My heart ached when I returned his button. But I couldn't keep it despite knowing it was his and not Atif's. For once in my life, I left all my miseries behind. There was different peace with Adam. I cherished and soaked each moment I spent with him. I almost started to believe I was his mother and he was my own. I know I could never take the position of his mother. Whoever that woman was. I know nothing about her besides her name, Yumna. No matter how good a friend I was to Farris, he never talks about his late wife. I started knowing Farris gradually.
He was an ocean. There's only so much deep I could dive. The memories of his late wife were buried in the deepest surface of the ocean where it was impossible to reach. I respected that. I did not want to meddle with things he did not want to show. No matter how generous Farris was with me, it always felt like he was not it. He could be beyond that. And maybe that part of him was not meant for me to know. It felt like I was living two lives. A life that was surrounded by Farris and Adam, and on the other hand, there was a life I was living with Atif as his wife accepting and doing all my wife duties despite being freed from that marriage. Atif insisted many times to reveal the truth to our families but for some reason, I couldn't build the courage to face my parents. He felt he was wrongdoing me by making me do all that I was doing for him but he was helpless due to my requests to carry on things however they were. I don't know if what I was doing was right or wrong but I knew that it made me happy. And as long as it kept me happy, I was ready to do it. But at the end of the day, it's me. And my life was not meant to be easy.
My phone rang when I was ironing my outfit for the next day. I told Atif to pick it up as it was next to him on the bed. 'It's your mom' he said as he flashed the phone screen at me. 'Attend it and put it on the speaker' I told him and he did as I said. He first greeted my mother and asked about her health and the well-being of the family. My mother sounded more excited than usual. 'What's the matter Maa?' I asked her as I laughed softly continuing to iron my outfit. 'You seem happier than usual?' I asked.
'Why wouldn't I be happier? There's going to be a marriage and you all should come!' she exclaimed and laughed out of joy. Atif glanced at me raising his eyebrows asking 'Who's?'.
'I don't know!' I whispered to him.
'Who is getting married?' I asked her.
'Do you remember Zaheer? Your aunt's son?' she replied and my blood ran cold. I stopped ironing and stammered to speak out of anxiety 'Wha-what about him?'
'He is getting engaged. The dates are yet to be finalized' She said. 'You and Atif should come with family. No excuses' She laughed again. 'Maa, I don't think we'll be able to make it...' I said as my hands were now starting to sweat. The dark memories of the past started lingering around my head. My screams, torn clothes, and bloody wounds started flickering into my eyes.
'We know Atif is recovering but it would matter a lot to us if you both could be there. Please try' She insisted upon which Atif immediately agreed. 'We'll be there aunty; don't you be sad' He said leaving me speechless. He then disconnected the call only to find my dress burnt under the iron box. 'Aarzoo careful!' he yelled and pushed me away from the iron box turning the switch off. 'Are you okay?' He asked me as he held my shoulders. He shook me and I looked at him. 'Yeah- yeah. I'm okay' I told him as I wiped the sweat off my forehead. He quickly opened the windows letting out the smoke coming out of the iron box.
'That would've led to fire' He said.
'Why did you agree?' I asked him.
He glanced at me and replied 'You should be there with your parents during good and bad. What kind of a question is that?'
'I don't want to attend his engagement!' I defended.
'But why? What's the reason?' he asked.
'Look, you have to focus on recovering, your parents, and here, I am working. There are too many reasons not to go.' I told him trying to prove my point.
'My parents wanted to leave anyways, we can attend the engagement and drop them off in India' He said. 'But I'm working. Farris is a friend but he's really strict with work....'
He dialed Farris from his phone while I was still talking. After a few seconds of dialing sound, Farris picked up the call. 'Hi, Atif! what's up? is everything okay?' he asked.
'Hey, sorry for disturbing you at this hour. But I was wondering if it was okay if Aarzoo could take off for a few days?' Atif asked him 'And why would that be?' Farris responded. I gripped my pant into my fist praying Farris denies the request.
'We have to fly back to India for a personal event, I hope that's okay' Atif said. 'Yeah man, it's okay, carry on' Farris laughed formally.
'Have fun, safe journey' he said and disconnected the call before Atif could say anything. I shut my eyes tight out of disappointment and sighed.
'Doesn't he say bye?' Atif glanced at the phone and scuffed.
I sat on the bed accepting my bad fate. He sat next to me and grabbed my hand 'Don't worry, everything is going to be alright.' he said smiling. I forced a smile at him and placed my hand on top of his for being so comforting.
'I promise' he said and I continued to smile. Now genuinely.
'I don't need you to promise me.' I told him. He looked back at me with a confused face.
'Promises are taken when there is no trust.'
'I trust you.' I said as I held his hand firmly. He looked into my eyes and had the most beautiful smile on his face. We looked into each other's eyes.
'And by the way, Drevis is throwing a party tonight' he said changing the topic suddenly.
'Party? Why?' My mind deviated for a while. 'Guess?' he said almost like a child. My nose crinkled as I chuckled out of confusion. 'Alright, I'll give you a hint. It's for me!' he smiled cutely.
My eyes instantly lit up with joy 'Are you getting back to work?' I asked him. He nodded laughing. I started jumping out of excitement for him. 'I'm so happy for you!' I said and grabbed his arm. He placed his hand over mine and smiled. 'Thank you for being so supportive. It wouldn't have been possible without you.'
'C'mon, I didn't do any-'
He bent down and kissed me on my cheek. My eyes popped out and I was too stunt to move. I looked at him and found him smiling charmingly at me. I stared at him without any expression. He then went to bed and tucked himself inside turning off his side of the table lamp. I quietly went to my side of the bed and turned off the lights.
'Be sure to be early from work tomorrow. I'm not leaving without you.' he said. I nodded in response. 'You know I can't see you nod in the darkness' he laughed. He knew what I would do and yet wanted me to say it anyways.
'I will be back soon.' I told him and he responded with a long sigh before I knew he closed his eyes to sleep.
~
'There's a new case meeting, I need you to attend it with me' Lawrence said as soon as I entered the office the next morning. 'What? When?' I asked as I placed my bag on the table. 'Where is Farris?' I asked him. 'I have the lead for this meeting' He replied indicating to follow him.
We entered the meeting room and I saw the back of a woman. Her straight long hair and good physique from behind made me think how beautiful she must be. But as we walked in front of her, we witnessed multiple bruises all over her face. Blood clots on her cheekbones, around the forehead. Almost half of her face was purple.
'Good morning ' Lawrence spoke professionally overseeing her injuries. I looked at her and automatically my hand went over my chest. 'Are you okay? Who did this to you?' I asked her as I couldn't hold myself.
'My husband did' She said.
'I need a divorce' She added and wiped off the tears that slid down from her cheek. She looked at me and said 'He did these with his belt' pointing toward the bruises on her face.
'Tell us more.' Lawrence said opening his laptop to type down the details. 'I cannot handle this abuse anymore'
'My husband and I got married about two years ago. We got married with consent but zero interest...' she started to speak and I could immediately relate to her.
'He did this to me because he never loved me.'
'He did this to you because he never loved you?' I exclaimed as I couldn't believe my ears.
'He used me' she said as she couldn't control her tears. 'He treated me like his slave. To do his work and satisfy his pleasure' She started to weep. My mouth dropped open as I couldn't believe how someone could be so cruel.
'That's evil' I said as I grabbed her hand consoling her. 'Men are evil' she said.
'When they're in the form of husbands, they're monsters' she said clenching her jaw.
I thought about Atif. How well he treated me despite our bond. He never laid his hand on me without my consent, never mistreated me, and never did anything that could hurt me. How men out there are so cruel but I was treated with gentleness and care irrespective of whatever happened in our lives. Deep down I was happy I ended up with Atif. I just got lucky maybe. I thought to myself.
'I need a divorce but I am not financially independent.' she said. 'Is there anyways I could do it with whatever money I have?' She asked.
'Attorney Farris is the best lawyer in town ma'am. You should know who you're meeting.' Lawrence said. 'I will give you everything I have. Please do this for me' She jotted her fingers almost begging. 'I'm sorry, I'm afraid we can't help you.' He denied her request. 'Please!' she burst out crying uncontrollably in front of us. 'He won't let me go. He won't let anyone help me, he will kill me!' She continued to sob. I felt so sorry for her but I was more than helpless. I couldn't give her anything but sympathy.
~
'We should've helped her' I told Lawrence as we walked back to our cabins. 'There is nothing we can do!' he replied. 'We could try!' I argued. 'Are you crazy? Farris would chop us alive and feed us to the stray' He replied as he stopped walking.
'Have you seen her condition?' I asked him to know if he did or was really blinded.
After a long sigh, he said 'I know it aches the heart but this is how the world is. You can't live in a cruel world with such a heart. People would slaughter it without mercy' He said. I stared at him in response and looked away. We entered Farris's cabin and there he was. He looked different. For the first time, I saw him without his suit. It rested on the backrest of his chair. He was wearing a white shirt and his sleeves were folded until his elbows. He partially sat on the table staring at his iPad with his glasses on.
'Yes Lawrence' He glanced over him for a second and instantly looked back at his iPad. In less than a second, he glanced at me as though he was not expecting me. 'Sit' he pointed towards the chairs for us to sit on as he went to his seat. 'What's the update?' He asked.
Lawrence narrated to him the entire incident that happened a few minutes ago. I looked at him with the hope that he'd show mercy. He stared at Lawrence resting his chin on his hand throughout the conversation and exhaled at the end.
'Good job Lawrence' he said leaving me completely astonished. Lawrence looked at him with fear and confusion on his face.
'I mean it' Farris said with his eyes wide open.
'For once you used your brain to make the decision and not your heart' I looked away emotionally not wanting to be a part of this conversation. Lawrence got a call and he excused himself from the conversation.
'You will learn too' Farris said to me.
'Learn to be heartless?' I questioned him and he stared dead into my eyes.
'Learn to use your brain' he said and looked away. I scuffed.
'She wants to meet you.'
'ugh!' Farris exclaimed. 'Bring her in' he said after pressing her forehead for a while.
I watched him wear his suit back while Lawrence had gone to bring the lady.
I saw the look on his face change as soon as he saw the lady's condition. She told him about her problem and I felt nothing but sad for her. She was not going to get any help here.
'Please! I'll give you all I have. Just help me get this divorce' She pleaded. 'I'll get this divorce for you' Farris said and her eyes brightened with hope. She wiped her tears and looked at him for his further saying. 'I don't want any money from you. Consider this a help' He added.
She started bawling her eyes out again not being able to comprehend how to repay him back. 'Thank you.' she kept repeating. Over and over and over.
I looked at Farris as this was a shock to me. So he does have mercy for others. From that moment, I started respecting him more. He probably saved that woman's life. I smiled knowing he can show kindness. I watched him get back to his routine but I couldn't take my eyes off him as I felt for once he showed his real self. The kind one he is from within. Suddenly everything he did was sweet. I noticed how he cared for people through little gestures. The best part was he did things without wanting any credits. My moments of admiring him were soon intervened by a call that Farris got. 'Yes Mrs. Susan, what's up?' he casually greeted her over the speaker and I went back to complete my report.
'Mr. Farris...' She was breathing heavily out of extreme worry.
His attention completely shifted to the call in a second. 'What's wrong?' He asked picking up the phone and keeping it over his ear. Seconds later he rushed out of the cabin leaving everything behind. I chased him leaving everything hoping Adam was okay. I hopped in the passenger seat of his car and he drive as fast as he could. I kept asking him what was wrong but he drove kept pressing his fingers on his lips without saying a word. His behavior showed how worried he was and so I kept quiet praying for Adam's health and safety. We went to a lavish residence where I have never been before. I followed him inside and soon understood it was his home.
'Don't worry, he's okay now' Mrs. Susan said as soon as we got in and I rushed towards Adam who was standing and looking at us. I ran towards him getting on my knees, holding him by his shoulders, looking at his face, and checking his body if he was hurt from falling or anything like that.
'What are you doing?' Farris asked me. 'He's okay-' I told as I turned to find him holding a big black cat.
I fell on the floor as it stared into my soul with its big yellow eyes 'Oh my goodness!' I gasped for air holding my chest. Adam giggled seeing my reaction.
'Mr. Arnold got choked with one of Adam's Lego blocks' Mrs. Susan said.
'Mr.Arnold?' I whispered to Mrs.Susan. She rolled her eyes towards Farris and pressed her lips controlling her laughter. I did the same. I can't believe Farris has told everyone to call his cat mister.
'He coughed it out, he's okay now' She added clearing her throat.
Farris sat on the couch as he petted his cat. I exhaled out of relief. Thank God everyone's okay I thought to myself and had a look above where I was sitting. My jaw dropped as I was standing in front of a huge portrait of Farris and a young beautiful woman. Farris embraced the woman from behind, her hair strands on his face, and both of them had the brightest smiles on their face. I've seen Farris smile before but there was something different about this smile. It felt real. Like he was really happy.
'That's my wife, Yumna' He said bringing me out of my thoughts. 'She's...' I struggled to complete my sentence.
'Gorgeous!' I said. He smiled ear to ear and nodded agreeing with me. Soon enough his smile faded. 'This was the last time she was happy' he said.
'What happened to her?' I asked him not sure if it was appropriate but my curiosity got the best of me. After a long pause and deadly silence, he started to speak
'Yumna faced severe post-pregnancy depression. Her depression went to another level when we found out that there was something wrong with our child. Upon finding out about Adam's health, she did not receive it well. We did everything that could be done to get her better but she didn't. Multiple medicines, and an ample amount of therapy, nothing got her better. She constantly felt sorry for giving me an abnormal child and felt guilty for the baby. She was such a brisk soul and I couldn't see her like that. I tried my best to make her feel good about herself but I knew I clearly failed one day.
I missed a call from her one noon when I was having an important meeting. Later that evening I stopped by a bakery to get her favorite croissants and my phone beeped with a message 'I love you.' I smiled at my phone as this was one of the first times she was telling me that in months. Just when I was typing back, she sent another message 'take care of our baby'.
I instantly knew something was not right and flew my car back home. But by the time I reached home, It was too late. I rushed to our bedroom as fast as my legs could take me but what I saw in the room next made my skin crawl.
I fell to my knees as my legs couldn't carry me anymore. In front of me, I saw my wife's dead corpse hanging on the ceiling fan, right above our baby. It was beyond my two-year-old's compression as he looked at his mother's feet swing above him. Our baby was giggling and throwing his hands in the air trying to get to her feet like he tried to get to his toys hanging over his crib'
The hair on the back of my neck stood up as he narrated and finally told me what happened to his wife. She took away her life. It was devastating to know the truth and I regretted asking him that question. I wish I hadn't. It was going to be difficult to process this. I can only imagine what he must have gone through all this time. I looked at his face but not a single drop of tear formed in his eyes.
'I was too late. I couldn't save my wife. And I will live with that for as long as I live' He added.
I hesitated but eventually touched his back and patted him. 'You're a strong man.' I told him and he smiled at me and said,
'When you're being dipped into unbearable cold water over and over and over, after a few dips, you wouldn't feel anything.'
'Grief is likewise'
~
I went back home from his place that day. The entire house was quiet as his parents were resting in their room. I entered Atif's room and found him standing shirtless facing his back at me. He looked at me as he heard me walk inside. 'I'm sorry!' I told him before closing the door. 'No-no get in' he replied. 'I need your help.' he added.
I walked inside with my gaze fixed on the floor. 'What's the matter?' I asked him and he shared his confusion about deciding his attire for the party. I saw how he had scattered his shirts all over the bed thinking about what to wear. I noticed a white shirt among all the others and instantly my mind flashed memories of Farris in a white shirt. I picked up the white shirt for him and said 'Wear this'
He took it from my hand and without any second thought started wearing it. My eyes happen to fall on the scar on his chest as he buttoned his shirt. I couldn't take my eyes off it as it almost took him away from me. He looked at me and asked 'What happened?' to which I nodded my head and said 'nothing'.
He looked down at his scar and looked back at me. 'Does it still hurt?' I asked as I looked into his eyes. He walked closer to me. He held my hand and placed it on his chest with his hand over mine and said 'Now it doesn't'
My heart raced as my hand was placed into his bare chest and my eyes were lost in his. 'What are you going to wear?' he asked as he let go of me.
'I don't know-' I stammered to talk. Still not over the moment.
'Can you wear something in white too?' he asked and I glanced over at him wondering why.
'We could twin!' he smiled and I chuckled over his innocent request.
'Yes. We can' I nodded and chuckled.
We then entered the party together, there were firecrackers that lit up when we entered. Atif and I were surprised to see the grandeur of the party. The party was grand with so many guests. Atif caught my hand while making a fabulous entry with all the doctors, friends, and co-workers cheering for him. I looked at him and he looked back at me and smiled. At that moment, I felt acknowledged. I felt like he did notice my efforts. Nothing went in vain and at least he's grateful. I smiled back at him.
I was surprised to discover Farris at the party. I noticed him being on call on the other side of the room as we entered. He was alone on the other side while the entire crowd was gathered around us. I quickly recalled how Drevis and Farris are friends and that might be the reason he was invited. I looked at him while he was busy on a call and didn't pay attention to me and Atif. The party was lavish and amazing. Atif was the show-stopper. It was for him after all. His friends and the people who were complete strangers to me greeted me and treated me with so much respect. I walked around the house admiring the luxury the house possessed. Drevis is rich I thought to myself and smiled. After several minutes of strolling around the house, I got back to the living area where the majority of people chilled. I came back to find Atif and Farris sitting next to each other on the couch. They both started laughing hard at one of the jokes that Drevis had cracked.
The next thing I know is that my heart raced as I watched him laugh. I realized how I can watch him smiling all day. The way he brushed his hair randomly in a conversation, the way he maintains eye contact but also closes his eyes while laughing. My heart was galloping like a horse in a race as I realized I was now in love with him.
I never knew falling in love was this easy.
For me, love exists in
His eyes,
His smile,
His voice
And in every ordinary thing that feels magical.