I might be mad in love with you
Even hide all the pain I've been through
But I'm still hurting
~Seasons by Lloyiso
Trigger warning: Mention of blood
********
Day 9: Loss
"Was she any trouble?" I ask Ithan.
"Ira could never be a problem" Ithan scoffs at me and I laugh, he's not lying Ira has to be the easiest kid to ever take care of.
"I've been thinking" I begin, he looks at me "About Mickey" he looks down.
"I want to go and see him... I mean I know I do see him often but I want to go see him with Ira and Michale as a family" I finally and he walks up to me and holds my chin.
"You can't go with someone who thinks it was you who killed your son, you can't go with someone who treats you and your daughter like trash and you won't go with someone who until today never even bothered to hear your explanation, left you and moved on like it never happened, No. " he says getting agitated, I hold his hands in mine.
"But-but I can go with Mickey's father... Yes I was never given the chance to explain- and-you know I don't blame him, he was and is still grieving and-"
"Oh and so you weren't? Ilana if there's one person who went through it all, it's you... Michale wasn't the one who had a child die in his arms and he most certainly did not give birth on the same day he lost a child and then he was not expected to pickup the pieces because he had just given birth, no but you did" he vents out, I hold back the tears as I get hit by the flashbacks, my heart starts to ache.
5 years ago
Driving during this time is a bit difficult, I look at my rear window and watch Mickey sing along to the song playing on the radio I smile.
"Mickey Boy, where did you learn this song from " I ask him he squeals
"Daddy always plays it in his car" he says shyly, I laugh "And you like it" he nods and continues singing this time I join him.
"Do you know why daddy listens to this song" I ask him, I watch him shake his head through the rear window, I smile thinking about it "This was our wedding song" I say parking in near the salon, avoiding a long walking distance.
"I'm so inlove with you, and I hope you know" I sing along to the song.
"Make sure you exit through the other side there's cars on this side" I say exiting the car, collecting him on the other side, holding his hand and crossing the road to the other side, I enter the salon with a very bouncy Mickey next to me.
"Good morning Mrs Roberts, here to do the usual or something different"
"The usual wash please" Mickey runs off to play with the other kids by the play area, I sit down and call Michale but he beats me to it.
"I was just about to call you" I say smiling, rubbing my very round belly.
"But I always beat you to it, so how's my lovely wife and the little one" he asks.
"We are perfect just about to wash my hair and I know you said I should wait for you to come back home because I'm not supposed to be driving but it was just a 5 min drive from home"
"I knew you weren't going to listen anyways you can be abit impatient, call Mickey for me" I call Mickey and he comes running and I hand the phone to himm
"Hey daddy... I know, I should protect mommy and the baby... Okay...Love you" he says his goodbyes and hurries off to play.
"I can't believe you expect our four year old son to protect a big balloon like me" I laugh.
"Yeah well I've got to teach him while he's still young, pregnant woman aren't easy" I gasp.
"Oh no you didn't I-"
"Bye I love you" He cuts the call.
"I love you" I smile looking at the phone, he cut on purpose.
I shake my head smiling, I look at the play area and don't see Mickey, my smile quickly fades away and I walk towards the area the kids were playing.
"Hey guys, where did Mickey Go?" I ask looking around.
"He said he-he uhm-was going to get his teddy bear in the car" the little girl says and my heart drops, I quickly rush outside and there he was in the middle of the road.
"Mickey" I shout shaking "Get back here" he turns and looks at me, I walk towards him when a truck comes out of nowhere and hits him and everything goes blank, I scream and run towards him but someone pulls me back I don't know who but I'm fighting this person.
"Mickey" I scream sobbing "Plea-please let me go I ne-to Mickey!"
"God please no ahhhhh" I fall to the ground and see blood between my legs, but I don't pay any attention and run towards Mickey, his small body laying there lifeless, I kneel infront of him and hold him to my chest, my lower abdomen burning with pain I scream shaking him.
The next happens and then the paramedics come after some time, whilst I'm still trying to wake Mickey up, I can't see clearly what's happening around me and I simply don't care.
"Ma'am is that his blood or yours" I look at her blankly and continue to cry
"Why isn't he waking up" I ask the lady."Please wake him up" I beg her.
"Wait you're pregnant" I bend down screaming when an excruciating pain all of a sudden hits me.
"I think she's about to give birth, rush her to the hospital" they push me towards the ambulance but I keep resisting.
"Ma'am we don't want you to lose the child" she says and I just continue to cry.
"Please try to save -ahhhhh- Mickey" I'm put into the ambulance and then it rushes to the hospital.
"It looks like she's 7 months" they say doing a scan, I feel the urge to push.
"I n-push" I say.
"Looks like we're having the baby here, get ready" I begin to push involuntarily.
And then the last thing I hear besides my sobbing is a baby's cry.
Back to present
"I should have never even go-gone there in the first place he told-" I whisper, Ithan moves to wipe my tears.
"Hey hey, it wasn't your fault okay?" I shake my head.
"Don't do that, if it wasn't my fault then who's to blame?" I look at him. "There's no one else to blame but me Ithan, I was told not to leave and yet I did" I say crying.
"He would be here if it wasn't for me" I say and he quickly pulls me into his arms and hugs me tight.
I should have been the one to die that day.
***
"We're going for a walk" I say to Michale, who seems quite glued to his laptop, I zip up Ira's Jacket, after today's breakdown I needed the walk I felt emotionally drained.
"I'll join you guys, give me-" I interrupt him. "No no, you don't have to, you look busy" I say, he looks up at me then at Ira, puts his laptop down picks Ira up and heads for the door, leaving me to tail after them we walk quietly side by side around the neighborhood, passing some yards that display the tender emotion of happiness, kids laughing, people laughing and the others showing the empty emotion of sadness or maybe it's just me.
"Daddy can you put me down?" Ira asks, I look at the road beside us, so close to the sidewalk we're on, he's about to put her down.
"No" I say slowly becoming breathless, breathe one, the anxiety slowly wanting to build up. "No" I repeat, what if she ran onto to the road, "No" breathe two.
"Ilana" someone touches my shoulder and I flinch, I look up and see blue eyes looking at me, one looks confused and the other concerned, I smile, touch my forehead and a small laugh escapes.
"I'm fine" I say, still staring at me "I'm fine let's go back it's getting late"
Time is running out I only have 21 days.
__________(diverselyunique) ________
One of the most emotional chapters I've written so far, now we know how Mickey died, it's sad and painful, the death of a loved one isn't the easiest thing to go through, and I hope if you've ever gone through it you find comfort in knowing that they are watching over you.
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Yours truly
-Diverselyunique