I have to squint beyond the glare of the stage lights to be able to make out the silhouettes of Mr. Yang and the few other execs who join him.
The intro to our song begins and I shift to my position, suddenly unsure of how to pose or act or just exist. A small voice in my head screams at me, telling me I've done this a million times off stage prior to this.
This should be a breeze, I shouldn't be this nervous. But as the first verse starts and Jiho sings in tune with Rachel, I feel my entire body tense up.
They sound so good together. Now that my vision has cleared I can clearly make out the look of approval on Mr Yang's face.
It's the wrong time to be overthinking about this. I shouldn't be wondering if Jiho was indeed looking at Rachel instead of me like the rest of the girls have been saying. I shouldn't be thinking about how she has shifted closer to him, so close that their hands could brush each other's at any moment.
Something about the way they are standing just seems so intimate. A familiarity that shouldn't exist but does. Images of Rachel and Jiho meeting each other secretly like we've been doing begin to poison my mind.
The thought of Jiho sharing a tofu stick with her, a stroll hand in hand or a rendezvous in the secret Firefly cafe makes me feel sick.
The chorus takes over and I harmonise with Rachel while Silver and Jiho sing the main lines. Silver smiles at me and I try to do the same, hoping my placid expression can mask the blatant jealousy I feel inside.
Rachel and Jiho take on the first part of the second verse and they are so amazingly coordinated, their chemistry fills the entire stage. The way she looks at him when she sings and the way he is looking at her.
They are just like..lovers.
My stomach churns as Silver sings the first line to our verse. Time feels like it stretches into forever yet at the same time his part ends in the blink of an eye and before I know it my verse has come up.
My heart is beating a thousand miles a minute and I rap my verse the best that I can, but my voice comes out choked and emotionless. I catch Mr Yang's glare from the front row and try my best to make up for it in the pre chorus right down to the last verse.
He crosses his arms over each other once we are done and I turn to the side only to see Rachel high five Jiho happily.
They did well, I have to give them that. They were in perfect harmony during their verse and Jiho is smiling so widely at her. My heart feels like a solidified stone that has sunk to my stomach.
Today has turned out worse than I expected. No not worse, horrible. This is the last thing I needed, getting distracted like this when we are so close to the showcase.
I hate to admit this to myself but maybe Jiho is a distraction I don't need. This realisation makes me feel like a ball has lodged in my throat. This is the first time I've ever liked a guy like this and the thought of not meeting him again makes me feel physically sick.
The four of us stand in a line and bow in unison. The executives are silent which can't be good and all I want to do is rush to the fitting rooms and find a corner where I can be alone to gather my thoughts.
Which are currently all over the place.
"Umm, the outfits look good," Mr Yang shrugs his shoulders, surprising me. I thought he was going to have my head with his first sentence.
"But Jina, if you screw up that verse again, I'm pulling you out of this performance. Got it?"
My skin burns, knowing that the entire auditorium and the rest of the girls backstage must have heard that. I can feel Silver, Rachel and Jiho's gaze on me when I nod.
Oh, so now he finally notices that I exist.
The moment we are dismissed I rush to the back, ignoring the looks of pity thrown my way. The stylists are thankfully silent as they help me out of my shiny black thigh high boots and crisp white shirt that has been cinched at the waist with a belt.
I put on my sweatpants and shirt and then help them take out the clips in my hair, my fingers trembling and throat bobbing.
I'm on the verge of tears and I hate this. I don't remember screwing up this badly in front of Mr Yang ever. And it's all because I'm jealous about two people who may or may not be dating each other.
Could Jiho be secretly seeing Rachel too? Maybe he's a player who dates more than one girl at a time. The idea of it is so painful I have to bite down hard on my lip to keep it together.
Dalia would never let anyone affect her like this. She'd probably swallow her pain and deliver the performance of a lifetime
The memory of her is like a balm to my nerves but then Rachel comes bounding in, her voice all high pitched and happy.
"Mr Yang tapped his finger to his knee during my verse with Jiho. You know what that means, right?"
"Yah. Yah, we know. He enjoyed your performance. We get it, Rachel. Woohoo," Kim says half heartedly from the refreshment table. The croissants are meant for staff and strictly off limits to us but she has half a croissant stuffed in her mouth, her face somber. She missed a step during our dance number and Mr Yang grilled her for it immediately after.
I slowly drift towards her and take a low calorie carrot smoothie, feeling some comfort in her proximity. Misery does love company after all.
Rachel ignores Kim's lack of enthusiasm and walks up to us, much to my disdain. She grabs a croissant which surprises me because I've never seen this girl eat refined carbohydrates in all our years of training together.
Instead of eating it, she plays with it in her hand. Both Kim and I stare at the mess of dough and crusting in her palm.
"Jina, what the hell happened to you up there? You'd better not screw up my performance. I will literally kill you if you do."
"If you 'literally' kill me you'll be going to jail and there goes your chance of debuting," I answer bluntly, not in the mood to take criticism from the person Jiho is most likely two timing me with.
I can't shake their chemistry out of my head. It looked and felt too real. There must be something there, I'm sure of it.
Rachel just rolls her eyes at my answer. "Whatever."
"You guys were great. Like a real couple," I say reluctantly, part hoping she will tell me something I clearly don't want to hear.
She smiles coyly which is the most annoying thing and shifts on her feet shyly. "Let's just say we've gotten a lot closer recently."
Her answer feels like a thorn that has lodged in my side, sharp and gnawing and impossible to ignore.
"Oh," I say, taking a huge sip of my smoothie, silently wishing it was soju instead.
Some of the other girls are sitting on the sofas provided, snapping pictures of each other but Grace and JinJin aren't here. JinJin must be going through her duet which explains why Rachel is here, wasting our time with this pointless conversation.
Thankfully, Grace saunters through the open doors and Rachel catches sight of her.
"Anyway toodles girls. Nice talking to you." Rachel waves her fingers in the air frivolously, trying her hardest to imitate those ditzy mean girls in kdramas. If I wasn't so preoccupied with the possibility of her and Jiho, I would have laughed.
She walks away, her red dyed hair gleaming under the white lights and her skirt swishes between her legs like dancing curtains.
I look away and try to concentrate on the blank wall in front of me, hoping the white nothingness can distract me from the chaos in my head.
Jiho can't be dating her secretly. Right?
"God, she's annoying when she gets all braggy like that," Kim mutters and I nod, agreeing with her whole heartedly. "But you have to admit they look cute together. Looks like Grace was telling the truth."
She pauses to swallow the rest of the pastry in her hand and I don't know why it feels like she just swallowed all the air in the room along with it.
"What do you mean by that?" I ask, finding it hard to breathe for a second.
Kim leans in, her dark eyes alight with excitement, eager to share gossip I've been left out of. "Apparently Rachel's phone is filled with messages from someone named J. Can't be a coincidence, right? Maybe she's the one who was photographed with him at the market."
The carrot juice on my straw turns from sweet to bitter and I want to scream at her that it was me at the market with him. But then I would only be outing myself which is the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot.
Not only will I get kicked out of the company, Jiho's career will suffer too. Not that I care about him right now.
Kim eyes me curiously, eager for my reaction but I feel like a stiff doll, calm and collected on the outside but ready to explode from the inside.
My lips slowly stretch apart into a forced smile. "Wow, that's big news."
"I know right! I'm not her biggest fan. To be honest Jiho can do so much better but what can I say. You can't fight fate."
I decide to leave Kim to her croissants and head to an empty couch to clear my head. Everyones on their phones whilst JinJin and Chan belt out chords on stage outside.
I want to get out of here but we still need to go through encore so I pull out my phone and sift through QBS news sites absent-mindedly. However, after a few seconds of blank staring my fingers take on a mind of their own and soon I'm reading through messages exchanged with Jiho.
They're under an alias Jeju - because that's the most romantic destination for him in Korea - and all his words are so sweet and tender. Everyday I receive a good morning and goodnight message, some cute emojis and then there are those more detailed messages where we share our insecurities and past experiences.
Things you don't share with just anyone.
But the thought of him doing the same thing with Rachel has me in a tailspin. I can't focus, I can't ignore the pain in my chest and this is the last thing I should be feeling at this point of my career.
I see Binna walking in after changing out of her dance outfit and she immediately catches my eye. "You, okay? You look like you're about to throw up."
She squeezes my shoulder and I catch sight of Rachel typing into her phone and smiling to herself. I really do feel like throwing up.
"I'm, okay. Didn't do my best today. That's all." I murmur but my voice is hollow and I hate that a boy has made me feel so out of control at a time like this.
Binna must notice me staring at Rachel because she leans in and whispers softly. "Don't worry about her. Everyone knows idols don't openly date each other. Jiho would not be so obvious if there really was something going on."
"But you saw it as well. How they acted?" I look down at my boots, my feet turned in towards each other dejectedly.
"It was nothing. Come on, Jina. We're made it here. Forget about them. This showcase is about us. Nothing else should matter."
She's right. She's so God damn right.
Someone from stage crew informs us to head outside for a final briefing and we file through the doors. I push past the heavy velvet curtains and make my way on stage.
The Viva boys are there as well and I notice Jiho staring at me but my face is stoic as I focus on the execs.
"Okay, well done everyone! There were some obvious hiccups but that's to be expected on the first day. Rest up and we'll take it from the top tomorrow." Mr Yang bows and we all make sure to bow much lower in respect.
Once the execs leave, the girls start to chat with the Viva boys, everyone now more comfortable with each other. I see Jiho shifting around as he talks to the terrible trio - JinJin, Rachel and Grace.
He looks up at me but I quickly turn away. My chest feels like it's caving in on itself like quicksand and I hurry to head home.
"Bye everyone," Binna and I greet the rest before making our exit. Silver waves at me and I smile at him, ignoring the tall, gorgeous idol who's obviously focused on me right now. It takes all my resolve to not look at Jiho before I leave the auditorium.
The sound of Rachel chortling echoes behind me and I can't help but wonder if it was Jiho who made her laugh.
Hey guys. What do you think? Is Jiho secretly seeing Rachel or is it all in Jina's head? Curious to hear you thoughts :)