In a span of less than twenty-four hours, Hyunjin's whole world had been turned upside-down. After spending a night in paradise with you, it seemed like he woke up from a dream only to be confronted with a nightmare that was reality. He hardly had any time to stop and breathe that morning when the article was released. Immediately after getting a frantic call from his manager, Hyunjin was rushed to multiple meetings with various company executives and publicity agents to address the rumor that was spreading and maintain his image.
"So, are the rumors true?" He was asked countless of times.
"No, not at all."
Hyunjin adamantly refused these claims over and over again. He couldn't understand how they came to be, given that he never even had as much as a conversation with Karina in his life. Somehow, a blurry shot of his phone wallpaper became a full on relationship accusation, and he wanted nothing more than to prove them false. Of course, Hyunjin wanted to prove his innocence to his fans, but most of all he wanted to clear any misunderstandings with you.
Stressed from all the damage control he had to do that day, Hyunjin finally had a moment to himself when he returned to his dorm. Sitting at the edge of his bed, his head hangs low, both hands holding his face. Though he spoke to so many important figures today, he hadn't gotten a chance to talk to the one person who mattered most to him. Hyunjin just hopes that you don't believe the stories. How could you, when he's done so much to indicate his true feelings? You're the first person he calls when he has a day off, and the only one he's ever shown his unfinished artwork to. He's obsessed with you, your body, your face, your laugh, the way your nose crinkles when you smile, the way your voice sounds when you say his name, the way you care so much about people in your life even if they don't deserve it, the way you make his heart stop with only a kiss. No, he's never verbalized any of these feelings to you, but he came extremely close to doing so last night.
Last night, when you held each other in silence, basking in unspoken affection, he wanted to pour out his heart to you then and there, but he couldn't find the words. He may never find the right words. Maybe none exist that could adequately express all that he felt for you, and Hyunjin was too scared he'd mess it up. But now, all he wanted to do was speak to you. He needed to tell you that the scandal isn't true, that there wasn't another girl for him, that there could never be another. Hyunjin needed you to believe him, to know that for him, it was only you.
He quickly dialed your number, anxiously waiting for you to pick up. When you finally do, Hyunjin asks to see you right away but you decline. He wasn't expecting you to resist meeting him so much, and he definitely wasn't expecting to hear another man's voice with you. Who could you be seeing at this hour? Whenever you had spare time, you'd always spend late nights with Hyunjin. Who were you with right now? Could it be that you're on a date? Were you sleeping with other guys?
Hyunjin feels sick to his stomach as he contemplates the possibilities of your whereabouts. I should go find her. He thinks to himself, ultimately deciding against it because he doesn't want to appear possessive. But seeing you seems to be the only antidote to this unsettling dread building within him.
Is it too late? Hyunjin fears that he's missed his opportunity with you. Fuck, he should've never listened to Minho. He should've just trusted his own heart and told you what he really wanted instead of playing along with this whole 'friends with benefits' deal you proposed. He was never comfortable with the thought of sharing you with any other guy, you were meant to be his and his alone. He only agreed to it because he didn't want to lose you, but now it seems like you're slipping through his fingers.
For hours, Hyunjin lays curled up in his bed, hoping he could sleep away the worry. Instead, he restlessly tosses and turns, wondering if you are back in your own bed as well, or perhaps in the bed of another. Images of you kissing another man, laying undressed underneath his body flash across Hyunjin's mind. He thinks he'll vomit if he keeps picturing it. He has to do something to stop that from happening.
Hyunjin decides that he needs to come clean to you. He's been hesitant, afraid that he'll push you away, but he can't bear to see you leave him without knowing how much you mean to him. It's now or never, he has to do it. He needs to lay everything down on the line and pray that his words get through to you. Will you accept his confession?
Just then his phone rings and his heart rate speeds up. You're calling him. This is it, even if you are reluctant to hear him out, Hyunjin is determined to speak to you. He's ready now, ready to tell you everything.
—
You had agreed to meet him and hear what he has to say. This very well could be the last time you ever see him again, depending on how the conversation goes. As you approach Hyunjin's dorm, a familiar knot grows in your stomach. You remember the time you journeyed to Jaehyun's dorm, ready to confess your feelings and unveil your heart, only to have it shattered before you. Will this time be any different, or are you stuck in an endless loop of disappointment and heart break? Oh god, what if Karina is there again? What if this was a meeting for Hyunjin to end things with you and prove to his girlfriend that you mean nothing to him? Was this a setup?
You almost turn in your tracks and head home but remind yourself that you don't want to be a coward any more. Inhaling deeply, you firmly knock on the door three times, holding your breath as you wait for it to open. To your relief, Hyunjin greets you, and a quick scan of his apartment confirms that he is alone. As you carefully enter, he tries to kiss you but you automatically turn your head, his lips landing on your cheek instead. You didn't mean to, but you were reflexively avoiding him.
This reaction made Hyunjin grimace, a twinge of pain hit his chest. He cautiously motioned you to his room, where you could have a private conversation. Hyunjin takes a seat on his bed, leaving space for you next to him, but instead you sit down on a chair by his desk across from him. You both sat with your backs arched, each nervously monitoring the others' expressions. There were a few moments of tense stillness, before Hyunjin finally spoke up.
"Thank you for coming to see me." He spoke with a gentle wariness.
"Of course, it seemed like you really needed to talk."
"I do. I have so much I need to tell you. You don't know how relived I am to see you now." He carefully looks up at you with doe eyes.
You return his gaze, giving him your full attention. "So, what do you need to say?"
"That article that came out today, it's not true. I've been spending all day handling the rumors with my manager. I don't know how it even happened because I've never spoken to Karina before. I'm going to release an official statement soon, but I just wanted to let you know first." Hyunjin bites his lip as he awaits your response.
Hearing those words come out of his mouth undid the knot in your stomach. The tension leaves your body and you finally relax your shoulders. Everything you were worried about was false and the cycle was broken. Hyunjin hadn't let you down like so many others did in the past. You're convinced that he never could, that he's just that perfect.
"Thank you for telling me this, you didn't have to." You shyly smile to yourself.
"I had to though, I couldn't let you think that there's any other girl in my life. Because there isn't, it's only you."
You blush at his admission. You didn't know where this was coming from but this conversation was a complete 180 from what you were anticipating it to be. The anxiety you felt was slowly being replaced with butterflies.
"I actually have something I want to show you." Hyunjin gets up from the bed and moves to his closet. He pulls out a large canvas and reveals a painting you hadn't seen before. Depicting a woman's face, it was shaded with glowing hues of oranges, yellows and reds. It was like she was the sunset, her gorgeous features spread across the vibrant sky. You'd never seen anything like it. It was beautiful.
"This is amazing Jinnie, one of your best pieces yet." You express your admiration.
"I finally finished it, thanks to you."
"Thanks to me?" You're confused as to why he was giving you credit for a painting you'd never seen before.
Hyunjin sets the painting down and approaches you again. He takes your hand, guiding you to stand up facing him. "Do you remember the time you helped me pick out paints at the art store?"
You nod, your hand still held in his.
"It was to finish this painting. I was struggling to figure out how to color it, but you helped me." He beamed. "But that's not all."
Perplexed, you look up at him with furrowed brows.
"You gave me the inspiration to complete this painting."
"I inspired you? How?" You ask.
"It's the way you make me feel." Hyunjin fidgets with your hands in his. You can feel your heart rate pick up, warmth radiating from your cheeks in anticipation of where this conversation was going.
"What do I make you feel?" You whisper.
Hyunjin closes his eyes, leaning forward until his forehead touched yours. With a shallow breath, he replies. "Love."
You're frozen in place. Unable to move nor speak. You try to fathom what was happening but before you could fully understand, Hyunjin speaks up again.
Lifting his head, he moves his hands to cradle your face, tilting it up so that your eyes are locked on his.
"I'm in love with you."
As soon as the words left his lips, you felt like your soul left your body. Your head was spinning at the realization of his confession, unable to process what it meant. Hyunjin loves you? This isn't something you thought could happen in a million years. You weren't prepared to react. He loves you, but do you love him? Certainly, you knew you were falling for him, and falling fast. You spent days dreaming about being with him, being his girlfriend and his only lover. He was the focal point of your fantasies, no matter how hard you tried not to picture him in that light. He was everything you were looking for, he was perfect.
He was too perfect.
This was too perfect.
As always, whenever you come close to living out your desires, you mind sneakily sabotages the moment. This was too good to be true, it can't be true. Everything about this scenario was perfect...except for you. You don't fit into this scene. All this time, Hyunjin had cared for you, he showed you his affection through his actions and now through his words. He wasn't afraid to love you.
But you on the other hand, were ready to run away at the first hint of trouble. You were ready to abandon your relationship altogether once you caught ear of his potential scandal. You didn't even think to give him a chance to explain himself. You were too afraid. You were too afraid of getting hurt. You were too afraid to love him.
Still staring up at Hyunjin, your eyes start to sting. "I can't—we can't..." is all you could muster.
Hyunjin looks at you worriedly, his grip on your cheeks tightening slightly. "Why can't we?"
Tears start rolling down your face. "I'm not ready Jinnie. I'm not enough for you."
"Why would you say that? You're more than enough for me, Y/N." Hyunjin frowns.
"I'm too insecure, Hyunjin. I almost ghosted you over rumors that weren't even true, and we aren't even together. How's it going to be once we really are? I'm just not ready for a relationship." You sniffle.
Hyunjin's eyes start watering. "It's okay, Y/N. We'll work through it together. I'll do whatever it takes for you to trust me. I just can't pretend that I don't have feelings for you any longer, because I do. I care about you so fucking much."
"Please stop. I can't do this Jinnie." Every word he said was making it harder for you to accept the fact that you couldn't be what he needed. You attempt to pull his hands away from you, but he wasn't budging. Instead, he brings his face closer to yours.
"Forget what I said. Let's just go back to normal, like we were before."
"How can we? You just said you—"
Hyunjin attacks your lips with a kiss. It was desperate, rushed, and laced with your tears. It was his plea for you to stay, his last attempt to convince you that everything was going to be alright. Or maybe he was trying to convince himself.
You pull away, staring back at him with tears in your eyes. His heart cracks, the fissure growing until he feels it completely shatter. He fucked up. He ruined everything. He shouldn't have confessed to you. His worst nightmare was coming true, he scared you away and now he's losing you. He feels like he's losing a part of him. The part that is comfortable enough to share his passions, the part that is filled with warmth and tenderness, the part that feels like home. If you leave, you would take this part of him with you, and he could never feel whole. "Please don't go." His voice quivers.
"I'm sorry Jinnie." You slowly back away. It takes everything in you not to run back into his arms, to the place you know would wash away all the pain you felt right now. You couldn't do that though, it'd be like putting a bandaid over a bullet hole, pretending that it fixes everything when it doesn't. Doing so would be selfish, because you know you're still broken inside, and you couldn't bear to see Hyunjin break himself just to pick up your pieces. "You deserve better, someone who isn't afraid to love you."
Hyunjin stares at you, speechless. His mouth is agape, his eyes begging you to stay. He's crumbling before you and you can't stand the sight.
As you gather yourself to leave, you look back at him one last time. "I'm sorry it's not me."