A/N - still on a roll 🫡 how long will it last...
TW - whole chapter either is upsetting or contains violence
I promise (I think) this is the last evil thing they're going through ❤️
~~~
Xander
Identity.
A person's sense of self, established by their own unique characteristics.
Expression.
To say or show one's thoughts or feelings.
Love.
An intense feeling of deep affection.
Three things I'd struggled with for as long as I could remember, and three things I felt like I'd just been shoved back to square one with. I wanted nothing more than to be viewed as an equal, to be treated normally, to be fucking accepted; yet I couldn't do so much as walk down the street with my boyfriend's hand in mine without being fucking beaten to shit.
My head had been pounding for hours now, the painkillers Zane had given me doing absolutely nothing for me as I lay there- weak, defenceless, fucking repulsive.
And just like that, I hated myself like I was 14 all over again.
It had taken a lot for me to get to where I was today, to accept myself for who I was today, to express myself the way I did today; yet I felt nothing but disgust as the events that had occurred today replayed constantly in my mind. The kicks to my stomach, the blows to my head, the punches to my face- I shivered and groaned, poorly attempting to roll onto my side, only to remain on my back still.
I just wanted to sleep.
I'd had to endure more questions from Zane than I wanted to, but not as many as I thought he'd ask initially. He'd finally let me go when he saw I could barely sit up on the sofa any longer, and I'd been lying on my back, alone, staring at the ceiling since.
I was just glad Jax wasn't hurt, I would've never forgiven myself if the same shit happened to him. Speaking of the devil, my phone rang and I winced as I reached for it on my bedside table; I'd refused all kinds of medical attention that didn't come from my eldest brother himself or a prescription box, so here I was suffering in fucking pain.
23 missed calls, shit.
"Jax-", I tried to speak first, but he was having none of it.
"Don't ever do that to me again", he snapped, "I've been sat here shitting it, Xan, don't ever do that to me again".
"M'sorry", I mumbled, putting the phone on speaker and dropping it on my chest, my arms were fucking aching, "phone was on silent". His exhale filled the line and I picked at my- well Xav's faded Lion King t-shirt, waiting for him to say something.
"Are you okay?", he asked quietly, all previous agitation gone, "please tell me-".
"I'm fine, yeah?", definitely not fine, "just really fucking pissed off".
"Me too", he sighed, "I wanna see you". That was a problem, Jax's parents were strict, homophobic, and all round dicks- and while he was 19 he didn't have anywhere else to go right now, and I hated it.
"I wanna see you too", I squeezed my eyes shut, the unfamiliar burn in them and the lump in my throat making me uneasy, "I'm sorry".
Silence filled the line and I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, I just kept messing this up.
"Sorry for what?", he asked, "you have nothing to apologise for Xan". That's exactly what Zane had told me, but I was having trouble believing the pair of them.
"I just wanted today to be perfect", I whispered, clenching a fist when a tear rolled down my cheek. I hated crying- I fucking despised it; crying alone, crying in front of people, the sound of it, the causes of it, the feeling of it - I hated it.
"I know you did", he said quietly, "but what happened wasn't your fault, if anything I should be apologising for leaving you and-".
"No", I snapped through clenched teeth, "how would you have explained that to your parents?". His silence was the answer I needed; at least my siblings were on my side in all of this.
"I could've made something up and-", now he was just chatting shit.
"Jax, stop it", I picked up the phone again and took it off of speaker, holding it to my ear once more, "I did it because I love you, and I'd rather have it happen to me all over again than see you hurt".
"Xander-", he breathed out but I cut him off, knowing I couldn't say anymore without my voice cracking and me finally losing it.
"I'm gonna try and sleep yeah? Please don't beat yourself up over it", I muttered.
"Poor choice of words", he chuckled weakly and I cracked the smallest of smiles, "I love you, text me when you wake up". My chin trembled as I squeezed the phone with a force that I feared would have broken it.
"I love you too", I whispered, cutting the call and letting the phone fall to my side; I dropped a hand over my eyes and exhaled slowly, trying to force the tears back inside of me. Sort yourself out Xander, toughen up. A silent mantra that I'm sure Santiago would be all for, and my eldest brother would hate to know I was thinking to myself.
~
Sleep was so close to my grasp, yet so far; the dull aching, throbbing, stinging of my body doing nothing but keep me awake, keep me alert, keep me angry. It felt like when I was shot all over again- defenceless, weak, nothing but a liability who added another thing onto Zane's plate.
I definitely needed therapy again.
I closed my eyes and tried to appear unconscious when my door opened without warning, there was only one person under this roof who entered rooms uninvited, and I didn't even know if I could face him right now. Added weight to the end of my bed made me tense- subtly I hoped- I just wanted to be alone.
"I know you're awake", you knew it was bad when Xav's voice sounded that quiet, "look at me".
Piece of shit.
I slowly peeled my eyes open, the blurriness making it take a little longer for everything to focus; my twin was perched on the edge of my bed, legs bouncing and making it vibrate, facial expression more than hurt, concern written all over it.
"I'm fine", I said before he could open his mouth again, "I'm fine". He just examined me, I squirmed under his intense stare and tried to lift myself up into a sitting position to emphasise my point. Tried and failed.
"And how are the lies working out for you?", he gritted out, "talk to me".
"And say fucking what, Xav?", I snapped, running a hand down my face, "that I'm not fine, that getting fucked up in the streets because I'm gay didn't just set me back at least 4 years? Because I'm not fine, and it did".
"I know", was all he said as he stood, I thought he was gonna walk out and leave me to wallow in self pity but nope, idiot came closer, going so far as to lift me into a sitting position carefully, "you're shaking, you're angry, and you need to let it out so-".
"I have a boyfriend", I was the one cutting him off for once and his lips tipped up into a small smile, "his name's Jax, he's a fucking nerd and has an obsession with animals, he wants to be a vet for fuck's sake - but I love him, a lot".
"You have somewhat of a type", he commented and I scowled, "I'm sorry, I'm happy for you- but I'm not happy about what both of you went through today and-".
"I was taking him for food", was I just stalling my inevitable breakdown? Maybe, "that Italian place downtown? I was gonna take him on a proper date, not just our hookups in random fucking places; this one was meant to be for real- and then this happened to me Xav".
"I know", his gentler tone nearly had me bursting into tears on the spot, if this was anyone else I would've kicked them out by now, "I know".
"Do you?", I shook my head, "do you know what it's like to wonder whether you'll still have a roof over your head after you tell your family you like people of the same gender? Or what it's like to stand in the mirror and stare at yourself, disgusted, because you wish you weren't born this way? Or what it's like to hold hands with the person you love in public and end up like this?". My chest was heaving, throat tight, sanity ready to slip at any given moment.
"I don't", Xav shook his head, "but after being by your side through the majority of this, watching the good and the not-so good parts of you finding yourself, I know what happened to you today is hurting you more than you're letting on man so please, please just let it out". I looked in every direction that wasn't his, biting down on my tongue so hard that I could taste metal, before shaking my head.
"I can't", I whispered, fixing my gaze elsewhere, "I can't". He sunk back into the bed, right in front of me this time, cupping the back of my head in his hand and forcing me to look at him.
"It's me you're sat here with hm? Me. Not Zane, not the others, it's me", he levelled me with a knowing look, "the same person you've shared a bed with countless times, bathed with, argued with and laughed with within five minutes. The same person who used to wet the fucking bed on the other side of the room from you, the same person who took the fall for half of your shit growing up, the person who was born six minutes before you. And the same person who sat next to you on that park bench when we were 14 and listened to you come out to me even though you were terrified- don't for a minute think you can't fucking cry in front of me Alexander".
"I don't- I can't-,", my chin trembled and my throat tightened, it felt like I was being fucking strangled.
"Just let it out", he whispered, pulling my head into his shoulder, "please".
And that was all it took.
My body trembled in Xav's hold, silent sobs wracking my entire being as I clung to his back, burying my face into his shoulder even more. My cries grew louder, longer, more frantic as I struggled to catch my breath; the whole situation being way too overwhelming for me.
My head grew light as the bawling intensified, my brother doing nothing but rub my back to let me know he was still there, listening to everything I couldn't say out loud.
He didn't tell me it was okay, because it wasn't, he didn't tell me I was okay, because I wasn't, he didn't tell me to calm down, because I couldn't. Xav listened to me when nobody else would, when nobody else could, and I'd be lying if I said I would've made it this far without him.
~
Xavier
What I'd just had to listen to was one of the most god-awful sounds I'd ever heard in my life.
I could count the amount of times I'd seen Xander cry on one hand, but that? That took the fucking title by a mile off. I felt sick when I took in his sleeping appearance, he looked like he was in pain even when unconscious.
I'd sat there with him while he cried for twenty minutes before he all but knocked out afterwards; and now I was fucking angry. Did my anger impair my rational judgement? I wouldn't know, I rarely got angry - but what came out of my mouth when I entered the kitchen told me I was anything but sane right now.
"I want to kill them", the room fell silent and I shifted my weight between my feet, "the guys in the hospital who did that? I want to kill them".
Zane made eye contact with Marco, it was only the two of them in the room, and took a few steps towards me.
"Xavier-,", he said in his 'you're not thinking straight' tone.
"No, don't try and talk me down from it Zane- you didn't just see what I saw up there", I shook my head dismissively, "you didn't just hear what I had to". He stared at me, for what felt like an eternity, before he glanced over his shoulder and then back at me.
"You do understand-,", I groaned, the side of my fist colliding with the doorframe to get their fucking attention.
"That I'm taking a life? Yeah, I know", I snapped, "do you understand that he's a fucking mess up there because people have something against same-sex relationships?".
"You'll do good to remember that I too am in a same-sex relationship Xavier", oh yeah, fucking idiot Xav, "what's to say I haven't experienced something similar?". I closed my mouth, not having thought about that at all.
"I'm sorry", I sighed, "you know I don't think before I speak".
"I know", his mouth curled into a smirk, "and I think-,".
"Have you?", I couldn't help but ask, "experienced something similar?". He just watched me momentarily, that same stupid neural expression I'd grown accustomed to seeing written all over his face, before he gave a faint nod.
"Multiple times, nothing you need to worry about though", he downplayed his experiences as fucking always, "you've never killed anyone before". I was well aware of that, I didn't think I had the stomach for it; Chase hadn't either, that was because he didn't have the heart. My 21 year old brother wouldn't hurt a fly and I loved it about him.
"I know", I nodded, "but I want to Zane, I need to- to give me, to give Xander some peace of mind here". He was crumbling, I could tell; and all it took was a little push from our cousin to sway him completely.
"The boy wants to defend his brother Zane, they are each other's protector", he wasn't wrong, "we were going to do it anyway, may as well bring him along for the ride". I didn't know whether to smile along with Marco or fucking run; the guy was terrifying when it came to hurting other people.
"Very well", Zane gave in, rolling up his shirt sleeves and sighing, "if you change your mind-,".
"I won't", I said seriously, "I have to do this for him- he'd do it for me". And I believed that without a doubt in my mind.
~
I was on edge as fuck, and I think Zane had caught on. Who am I kidding, he catches onto stuff before anyone else does. I was in the backseat squirming like I had fucking ants in my pants, all of this pent up energy needing a release...and where better a place to release it than the idiots who had beaten my twin brother senseless?
"Xavier", my gaze shifted from the window to Zane, who was now facing me from the passenger seat, "I need you to pay attention to what I'm about to say hm?". Pay attention, I could do that.
"Yeah", I forced myself to focus on him, dead in the eyes, "I'm listening".
"The three boys who attacked Alexander, they've been discharged from hospital with various injuries", images of Xander lying in that bed filled my mind and I clenched my fists, glancing out of the window, "hey".
"Sorry", I made eye contact again, cracking my knuckles individually.
"Don't apologise", he told me, "anyway, Marco has sent some of his men to...collect them, and we'll meet them at his house".
"We're doing it at Marco's?", I leaned forwards, glancing at my cousin who was smirking while driving, "you just kill people in your house?".
"Why wouldn't I?", he raised an eyebrow, "doing what I love from the comfort of my own home". See what I mean? Fucking sadistic.
"And when it comes to it, you need to leave everything but your anger outside of that room", I gulped, "you're doing this because of what they did to our brother yeah? If you have second thoughts, of course I won't make you do anything you don't want to...but try to separate yourself from what you're about to do hm?".
"Yeah", I nodded, wringing my fingers together, "can I ask you a question?". He pulled a packet of gummy bears from his pocket and ripped them open, humming while facing the front.
"You can", he replied.
"What's it like?", my voice lowered in volume and I shifted in my seat, "when the person, y'know-".
"Dies?", Marco chuckled, "one big relief Xavier, another thing brushed off of your plate, and the satisfaction that revenge has been fulfilled". I glanced from him to Zane and he nodded in agreement, lunatics.
~
"So you didn't come over to hang out with us?", I stared at Eli and Zeke as I pulled on a pair of leather gloves, "you came to use our basement?".
"You guys just...sleep at night knowing this shit happens downstairs?", I cocked my gun and tossed it between my hands; sure I knew how to shoot, but actually aiming it at someone and pulling the trigger? New territory.
"Yeah", they said in a 'duh' tone, I guess this was the result of being raised by Marco.
"Leave Xavier to get his head in the game", the devil himself appeared and I snorted, peering over my shoulder.
"Okay Mr High School Musical", I was met with a statue-like expression, "Troy Bolton? Wildcats? Nothing?".
"Is he speaking English?", he asked his brothers who shrugged, god how was I related to them?
"It's like you've been raised in the wild, embarrassing", I tutted, cracking my neck and sighing.
"Says the one who hasn't killed anyone yet", Eli raised an eyebrow as they began to trail back upstairs where they came from.
"Elijah", Marco shook his head, "both of you". He waved a hand and they vanished, gone as quickly as they came; leaving Marco and I near the front door alone.
"Turn off all kinds of second thoughts you're having now", he stared me in the eyes, "think of your brother, only him, don't even speak- just act".
"Yes sir", I nodded, gripping the gun in my hand and clearing my throat, "they're down there?".
"Zane has given his speech, all yours", he gestured to the basement door and I nodded, opening it and descending the concrete stairs without any hesitation- for Xander, Xav.
~
Three chairs.
Three chairs and three low-life pieces of shit tied to them- hardly conscious and heads hung low. I could barely make out their faces, Xander must've got them good already.
Two guys were blonde, one with black hair, and even from their slouched positions and lack of identification, I could tell they were our age.
Turn off all kinds of second thoughts. Marco's words circulated around my head and I clenched my jaw, aiming the gun at the first guy's head.
As much as I'd tried not to since I got down here, I made eye contact with my eldest brother who was foreseeing the whole ordeal, I wondered if he could see the slight tremble in my hand as uncertainty filled my mind yet again.
Think of your brother. The image of him lying there made me wince, his words of self-hatred making me tense, the look on his face, the sound of him crying overruling everything else as I smirked and pulled the trigger.
His head snapped back, blood splattering all over the wall behind him and the fucking disgusting smell of death spreading through the air.
Satisfaction, Marco was right.
I didn't dare look at Zane, wondering what he thought about me, how he saw me, now that I was no better than the rest of them; but the fact I'd done it for Xander? No regrets whatsoever.
"Again", his voice snapped me out of my trance and my lips curled into another smirk- didn't have to tell me twice.
~
Isabella
I'd given Xander as much space as I could before caving and going to check up on him. He was lying on his back, unmoving, just watching his plain white ceiling in fake interest when I crept in, closing the door behind me and sitting down on the edge of the bed. Only then did he look away and let his eyes meet mine; the swelling on his face was going down big time thank god, and he didn't look as drained as he did when I'd last seen him a few hours ago.
"Hey", I said quietly, glancing up at the ceiling, "looks...fascinating". He snorted, peering back up, then down again, sending me a weak shrug.
"The only position I can lie in without it hurting", he muttered, fiddling with his fingers, making my heart break all over again, "I'm sorry for snapping earlier".
"Already forgot about it", I smiled, "I wanted to try and cheer you up".
"I think I just need to be angry for a little bit Bella", he admitted and I nodded, going to stand back up, until he kept talking, "I didn't say you couldn't try". My smile returned and I sunk back into his mattress, pulling out the blue nail polish from my pocket.
"I thought you could do mine, or I could do yours", I shrugged, "or if you don't wanna do either-".
"I'm too sore to sit and do yours", he declined, "but you can do mine". I grinned and unscrewed the top, placing the polish on the bedside table before shuffling closer and placing his hand on my knee. I leaned over and dipped the brush, then brought the paint to his left thumb first, silence filling the air for a few minutes while I concentrated.
"Can I ask you something?", I said quietly and he hummed, "could you tell me about Jax?". I looked up just in time to catch the small smile on his face before it disappeared.
"He's shorter than me, brown hair that could probably pass as blonde, one blue eye and one grey- he says he hates it, it's one of my favourite things about his face, aside from his lips", he stopped and breathed out a tiny chuckle, "he's obsessed with animals and wants to be a vet, he loves comic books, hot chocolate, sleeping- he's a vegetarian, and he really wants to meet you guys". That was a lot more than I believed he'd spill.
"He sounds great Xander", I beamed, "and judging by your face, you think he is".
"I do", he nodded, lifting his hand and examining it, "you're good at this".
"I try", I chuckled, "uh, how come we haven't met him yet? If you both seem so eager".
"It's not that easy Bella", he sighed, "some people aren't too accepting- well, exhibit A". He gestured to his body and I bit my lip, nodding a little and dipping the brush again.
"I hope you know that those people were dicks, and they were fucked up, and that there are people who accept you", I told him seriously, still being able to see the hurt in his eyes, "this may be easier said than done, but please don't let people like that change your view of yourself".
"I'll try", he gave a tight-lipped smile that signalled it was time for me to move on to lighter subjects, "have you seen Xav?".
"Not for a while, no", I declined, "probably with Addy".
"Yeah, probably", he agreed before yawning, "is there food downstairs?".
"I was gonna order something", I revealed and he smirked, wincing as he reached over for his wallet.
"I'll chip in if you buy me-", oh please.
"I'm capable of buying us dinner", I swatted his hand away, "think of it as a get well soon present".
"Sure, whatever", he rolled his eyes as the door opened and Xav waltzed in like he owned the place, "do you know how to fucking knock?".
"Nail painting?", he ignored him, "where was my invite?".
"Up my ass", and he was slowly coming back to his usual self, "she's doing mine, back off".
"I'll let you off because you're all beaten up", he narrowed his eyes at him and lay back on the bed beside Xander, "can you guys believe Marco and the twins don't know what High School Musical is?".
"I knew there was something off", I entertained his statement, even though I couldn't care less about it.
"Yeah, that was the answer we've been looking for all this time", Xander deadpanned.
"I know, right!", Xav sighed loudly, "so strange". Xander and I made eye contact then looked at Xav with a 'really?' expression.
Same Xander, same.
~~~
A/N - Xander 💔💔💔
In fact just Xander and Xav in general >>>
I think this book's gonna be longer than Isabella by quite a bit 🧍🏾♀️