TW: this chapter will contain a very sensitive topic, so please don't read if that affects you.
Stay safe and remember there is always someone there to help.
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"Where do I even start.." he says.
Felix smiles, like he wasn't just screaming at us a minute ago. "Just start from the beginning. What.. happened?"
He looks at Felix, then reaches into his pocket. "Before I say anything then.." he pulls out a red envelope, and I suck in a deep breath as I see it. "I think you should read this."
He puts the envelope on the table, and I snatch in the second his hands is pulled away. I open the letter carefully, and pull out the well known paper. I look at both Jisung and Felix, before I start to read.
Dear Minho,
From Ji
College huh?
You're so lucky. I am so happy for you, this is what we both wanted so badly. We both applied to the same college that night with high hopes, and then made love all night. Quite the combination.
I remember for days my stomach was churning. I was so scared that one of us wouldn't get in, and the other would have to go alone. It's such a far trip, and we only applied to start all over together.
I'm so ready to just leave and go away with you. When you first brought up the idea of us going to another country, and living there together— I have to admit I was a little nervous.
But I was ready after all the thinking. I was ready to spend my whole life with you, to have a home together, to maybe even elope if we loved each other all that much. I was so ready, until I wasn't.
I didn't get in, Minho.
I was planning on telling you before break, so we would have all break to think about all our choices together again. I was going to bring you to a cafe to tell you, and was hoping you would still love me.
But that's when I got bad again.
That's when my days started to get foggy again, they started to blend. That's when I started to not feel any real emotions, thats when I started to fake my smiles and laughs.
I knew it was that time again, I knew it was coming. I was just going to have to deal with it by myself again, I was just gonna have to let it pass and eventually become better again.
I was doing all of that, while you were smiling and thinking we were totally okay again. I don't think the fight triggered it, I don't think things can trigger it. Or maybe I'm wrong, I really don't know. I don't even know what "it" is.
But the thing is—
This time, it hasn't past.
And this time, it's telling me to do bad things to myself.
My days blend every single day, and I feel like I'm a hamster locked behind a glass cage. I can see the world happening around me, but I cannot access it. All I have to do is run on my little wheel, and burrow myself under layers.
I haven't felt anything since that day.
I was afraid it was going to get bad again, even though I knew my fears would come true. I was afraid it would come back the strongest it's ever been, and I was right.
I feel like these thoughts are swallowing me whole, and they are. So when you told me today, that you had gotten in, I knew I was going to be swallowed.
When you left, I ran right upstairs to my bathroom. My bathroom is my safe room, because it's the only place without any windows. And you were there an hour ago, so it's even safer.
I've been sitting here for hours.
I have thrown up basically all my guts, and I have been staring at it for a very long time. I know this is the end of me, but I don't want this to be the end of us. Or the end of you.
I want you to live.
I want you to go and enjoy your life, I want you to forget me. If i could have it my way, I would make you forget me forever. I would make you forget me so my death wouldn't affect you.
I want you to know, Minho— that this isn't your fault at all.
What I'm about to do, and what I'm about to ruin has nothing to do with you. This is simply who I am, and I cannot live like this anymore. I know it's not going away this time.
So if I don't make it, if I am on the channel ten news, please don't do anything bad. Remember this isn't because of you, and this isn't something you could have fixed.
Reminder I love you Minho, remember our happiest moments together. Remember me for who I was, and not who I died as.
I love you beyond death, Lee Minho.
I fold the letter back up, and bite my lip to hold back my tears. Felix looks at me with concern, and Jisung looks at me with a look I cannot quite understand.
"So if you.." I clear my throat. "If you did that.. how are you here now?" I ask.
I don't want to mention anything in the letter at all. My heart could not handle that. I just want him to tell me the truth, then leave. I don't want anything more than that, and nothing less than that.
"Because I survived. I didn't lose enough blood to kill me, but I was weak." He says.
"So then why did they say you were dead?" I ask, genuinely. It almost comes out as a whisper.
"My mother." He says. "She locked me in a mental hospital, to rot there until I was 'fixed.'"
"So then why did you chose to send the letters now?" Felix asks. "You've been out for years, right?"
Jisung shakes his head. "I only got out a couple months ago." He says. "I've been in there the past decade."
Me and Felix look at each other with wide eyes.
"W-what?" I ask.