I can't say whether or not I'm truly proud of my life.
I know my skills are nothing to scoff at, I have superior intellect, athleticism, and more.
I've achieved high standards in sports and academics.
But; it still feels like something is missing in my life.
I've agonized over this feeling inside me for years. But have never come to a solid conclusion as to what is missing.
It started a few years back when nii-san left for ANHS.
This gapping whole in my life started to grow exponentially.
My brother is a major role model in my life. His calm, collected, and calculating demeanor is one I try to embody in my life.
He has claimed many successes throughout his life, and no doubt he will continue to succeed.
I very much want to live life like my brother. To garner ample amounts of recognition and lead others to become better.
But; most of all. I want my brother to give me that recognition. To come to me and say I did well. To applaud my feats is all I need.
But, since my elder brother's departure, I don't believe it was just his leaving that caused this whole in my life.
In my attempts to gain my brother's attention, I closed myself off from the rest of the world.
I only needed to improve myself to gain that recognition. Everyone else was impeding my growth.
I dedicated all my hours to studying, improving my athleticism, reading, and much more. All in hopes of gaining that desired recognition.
Pushing away all of those close to me to solely focus on my goal. I didn't care about friendships. Those were only distractions in the end. So I isolated myself, making myself truly alone.
But, there was a presence within ANHS once I joined that sought to change that.
Fukumoto Akio.
At first, he was an extremely aggravating and irritating force in my life.
He never seemed to have a serious attitude and constantly harassed me.
I tried my best to distance myself from him, pushing him away so I could reach my goal.
But he persisted. He constantly widdiled his way into my life no matter the situation.
It hurts my pride to admit this, but he has grown on me.
I don't find his presence utterly horrible anymore. And I even find myself at times asking for his thoughts on some matters.
Not only that, but he seemed to notice this void within my life.
Within days of meeting me, he already knew everything about me. He saw this void within me and sought to reconcile it. He observed this hole within me that longed for connections and a friend, and he forced his way in to fix it.
I may never truly understand his reasonings, but I believe he truly wants to help me grow.
To grow from this past self I so dearly hold onto, to grow into someone stronger.
I know it will not be automatic, and I may not want to change. But, there is a hope within me that with Fukumoto-kun's help, I can.
With the help of a friend, I can.
Not that I consider him a friend at all.
Not do I want to only gain nii-san's recognition but also Fukumoto-kun's. To be able to show him that I have changed and grown for the better that's my goal.
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AN's:
HEY HEY HEY
two chapters in one day, only made possible by a short ss lol
i've posted all the chapters i worked over the break now so may be a bit till the next one
cya!