Frozen in the middle of the sidewalk, you re-read the headline pasted across your screen.
"[BREAKING] Stray Kids' Hyunjin rumored to be dating Aespa's Karina"
Your mind goes blank as you stare at the words, taking several moments for you to fully process what they meant. When it finally hits you, your whole body feels...numb. You're surprised how little you feel. Maybe all your mental barriers worked, and faking it until you make it actually paid off. You did it, you successfully prevented yourself from falling for Hyunjin—but why did your victory feel so empty?
Everything played out they way you wanted it to, but achieving your goal was somehow anticlimactic. You thought you'd be more proud of yourself, happy that you mastered your control over your emotions. What you didn't expect though, was for 'mastering' your emotions to feel like not having any emotions at all. You're somewhat disappointed with this realization, unsatisfied with the outcome. Still, it was better than feeling like a fool and getting your heart broken again.
You continue towards your company building, entering the dance studio for your rehearsal. As you walked into the room, you notice your group mates hesitantly greet you with concerned faces, clearly they had heard the news and didn't know what to expect from your reaction today. You shrug off the awkward tension and proceed to run through rehearsals like normal, your members gradually shedding their tentative behavior after seeing you in good spirits. After your rehearsal finished, Lisa asked if you wanted to grab lunch with her, to which you agreed.
"So how are you? I didn't hear from you last night." She asked as you both sat at the restaurant table awaiting your food.
"Sorry, I fell asleep before checking my phone. I'm good though, don't worry about it."
"Did you see the article about Hyunjin?" Lisa was never one to shy around any topic.
You straighten up in your chair. "Yeah, I did actually. What about it?"
She looks at you with one eyebrow arched. "Damn, you weren't kidding when you said you didn't care if he was seeing other girls."
"Yup, it doesn't bother me." You start to fidget in your seat.
"Even if the girl is Karina?"
Your stomach slightly turns at the mention of her name.
"The same girl who you caught with Jaehyun?"
"I know who Karina is." You snap. At this point, you feel your blood start to boil. You've had enough of this conversation. You get it, Hyunjin is dating another girl. Another girl who happens to be the same girl who was sleeping with the guy you fell for in the past. God, why did it have to be her of all people? I mean, she is talented, kind, and not to mention, drop dead gorgeous. Maybe that's why all the guys go for her, because she's the ideal girl. She has everything you lack, she is the type of girl that guys want to date, make their girlfriend, fall in love with—something you'll never be.
Lisa opens her mouth to reply, but stops halfway and just sighs instead. "Right, I know you know who she is. I'm just, surprised you're handling this so well." Lisa cracks a smile at you. "I'm proud of you! You've always been so strong, leading our team since we were trainees and dealing with your personal issues at the same time. I've always looked up to you for that."
As you process her words, the air starts to leave your lungs. Your chest feels tight and you have an uncomfortable pit in your stomach. Lisa was giving you kind words but you hated it. Every compliment she voiced was like a punch in the gut. Your body was physically rejecting her words because they weren't true.
It was a lie. You weren't handling this well at all. Just because you hadn't expressed your emotions didn't mean they weren't there. They were there, you just tricked yourself into thinking that they weren't. You bottled them so deeply inside you that you fooled yourself into believing that they didn't exist. Some say that ignorance is bliss, and unfortunately for you, you couldn't feign ignorance any longer. Everything Lisa was saying were lies. You aren't strong. You're weak. So weak that you couldn't even confront your true feelings. So weak that you once again fell for a man who didn't want you. So weak that you are crumbling at the thought of him with another woman.
Tears start welling up in your eyes as you come to this realization. Lisa is startled by your sudden teariness and gently takes your hands. You're trembling as she holds them between her own.
"Hey, what's going on? Did I say something wrong?"
"Yeah, everything. Everything you said about me is wrong. I'm fucking pathetic." You sigh.
"Shut up, you're not pathetic. You're amazing Y/N. If my leader is pathetic then what does that make me?"
"But I'm not strong, Lisa. Just look at me, crying over a boy again." You wipe your tears in frustration.
"Crying doesn't make you weak. Acting like you don't care when you actually do makes you weak. You are strong, Y/N. You're strong for loving hard, and you're strong for always standing back up after getting knocked down."
You flash her a feeble smile. Lisa always knew how to cheer you up, that's why you trusted her so much. "How many times is it gonna take for me to learn not to fall for the wrong guys?" You groan.
"It does matter how many, because you will pick yourself up and get over them every time. Starting now, with Hyunjin." Lisa huffed.
"But he was like, the perfect guy. How am I supposed go get over him?" You pout.
"By moving on to the next perfect guy! C'mon, you said the same thing after Jaehyun broke your heart. I feel like I'm having deja vu." Lisa rolled her eyes. "The reason you think these guys are so perfect is because you haven't experimented enough with other guys. You don't even know what else is out there!"
She did have a point. Up until now, you've only been with a handful of guys, and never dated more than one guy at a time.
"Why don't you hit up someone you know? It doesn't even have to be romantic. Just hang out with your guy friends more so you don't get all googly-eyed at every dude who gives you some attention." Lisa smirks.
You cross your arms and frown. "I do not get googly-eyed...but I guess that's not a bad idea. It could at least take my mind off Hyunjin if I hang out with some other friends."
"Exactly! I'm a genius. You're welcome for the expert advice." Lisa gives you a triumphant smile.
"Yeah, yeah, thanks I guess." You mumble.
Once you both made your way back to your dorm, you plop down in bed, scrolling through your list of contacts. Who should you hit up to take your mind of off Hyunjin? You start regretting spending all your time with him instead of putting effort into your other friendships.
When you come across the name of an old friend you haven't seen in a while, your fingers hover over the message button. Mark Lee. He actually used to be your closest guy friend back in the day. You'd see him from time to time whenever you came over to Jaehyun's place, and needless to say, you both got along like two peas in a pod. Mark was like the brother you never had, outgoing and silly but also caring. The both of you shared countless inside jokes and he never failed to make you laugh. You loved him in a platonic sense, but unfortunately had cut him out of your life when you cut ties with Jaehyun.
You feel sorry for ending your friendship with Mark so abruptly, especially since he wasn't the one at fault. You truly did miss him, so you decide to send him a message in an attempt to rekindle your friendship.
Me: hey Mork, how have ya been? 😊
You used your old nickname for him, beaming at the fond memories. To your relief, he responds equally as affectionately soon after.
Mark: hey crybaby, long time no see!
How ironic for that to be your nickname.
Me: it really has been a while, I was wondering if you were down to hang out and catch up sometime 👉👈
Mark: I thought you'd never ask, I'm free tonight if you are! We can meet at our usual spot.
You reminisce about all your fun times with Mark at the local 7/11. The two of you would visit there on late nights to stock up on snacks whenever you got cravings. His favorite was the instant curry udon, while you always went for classic spicy ramen. You'd dispense hot water into your bowls and eat them at a small table on the side of the building, cracking jokes the whole time and just enjoying life.
Me: see you at 10 🫡 be there or be square...
Mark: no one wants to be a square 🫡
With that, you put down your phone and head to the bathroom to freshen up. Already, your mood was lifted after your short conversation with Mark, and you couldn't wait to see him in person again. You hope things will be the same as before and that you could win your friend back, but a part of you is scared that he resents you for ghosting him for so long. You want to apologize and explain everything to him.
After slipping on a warm hoodie and slipping out the door, you start walking towards the nostalgic convenience store. It wasn't too far of a walk and you had the route memorized, so you pull out your phone to scroll through your notifications. As you read up on emails, the screen turns gray and a name appears across the top. "Jinnie" was calling you. Not sure what he wanted to talk to you about, you timidly answer his call.
"Hello?"
"Y/N, hi. Are you busy right now?"
"I'm about to meet someone but I still have a few minutes left, what's up?"
"I just wanted to see you...we need to talk."
Hyunjin sounded so nervous, his voice wavering. Perhaps he felt bad that he had led you on, now that it was revealed that he was seeing someone else. You want to assure him that all is well, he hadn't done anything wrong. It was you who had made it clear multiple times that you were just friends, so he had nothing to worry about. Clearly, he has other things to focus on and you will continue focusing on yourself as well, starting with renewing your friendships.
"Talk about what? If you need to say something you can tell me now, over the phone." You question him.
"But I kind of wanted to talk to you in person..."
What could be so critical that it needed to be discussed face to face? You're confused as to why Hyunjin keeps insisting on seeing you when you are nothing more than a casual fuck for him, especially when he has other options out there if he needed it.
"If it's so important, can't you talk about it with someone else?" You start to feel annoyed.
"Because it's important, I want to talk to you. Please? You're the only person I want to see right now."
Now you're getting pissed. How could Hyunjin continue saying things to make you feel like you're special to him? Does he think he can sweet talk you into sticking around and being his side chick? You may be a bit naive when it comes to love, but you're not that dumb.
"Sorry, I can't right now." Approaching the 7/11 shop, you see Mark waiting by the glass doors. He spots you and gives you an enthusiastic wave. You smile and wave back as you walk towards him. "Why don't you hit up your girlfriend instead?"
Hyunjin pauses before asking. "Girlfriend? Are you talking about Karina?"
He finally said it. Was he actually going to admit it now? You're tired of beating around the bush with him. Hyunjin doesn't need to hide this from you, he doesn't owe you an explanation, but you wish he would just be honest.
"Yes, Karina." You say with your jaw clenched.
"Y/N, it's not like that. I—"
"Y/N, hey! Come here!" Mark pulled you in for a bear hug, finally seeing you after so long. "How have you been girl?"
You giggle in his tight embrace that caught you by surprise. "I've been good, glad to see you again!"
"Who was that?" You hear Hyunjin's muffled voice coming out of your phone still in your hand.
You quickly try to end the conversation now that you had reached your destination. "Sorry Hyunjin, I have to go now."
"Was that a guy's voice?" He immediately questioned.
Why does he care? You think to yourself. Just like he doesn't owe you any explanations, you don't owe him any either.
"Hyunjin, I'll talk to you later. Good luck with whatever issue you're dealing with, I hope you figure it out." And you hang up the call.
Slipping your phone into your pocket, you move your attention to your friend who was already headed to the instant noodle aisle, picking out your favorites. Once you both prepped your bowls, you sit down at a lone table under a street light, warming your hands around the steam that came from the boiling water.
"So what's been going on in your life, crybaby? Still sobbing every time someone is mean to you?" Mark playfully punches your shoulder.
You roll your eyes and ruffle his hair. "You act like you don't cry every time we watch a ghibli movie."
"Hey, you'd cry too if your parents got turned into pigs." He splits his chopsticks and started digging in.
"Anyways, I wanted to apologize for ignoring you after the whole Jaehyun situation. I was a bad friend and you didn't deserve that." You shyly meet his eyes.
Mark smiles wide. "Aw, you don't have to apologize, I'm just happy I have my friend back! I missed you, ugly."
"I missed you too, dummy. I was just running away from my problems instead of confronting them like a woman." You huff.
"I don't blame you. Jaehyun was a mess for weeks after you left. I mean, it was his fault for fucking up, so I guess he broke his own heart."
"Wait, he was?" This was your first time hearing about how Jaehyun reacted to you ending things.
"Yeah, he kept trying to reach you but you had him blocked on everything. He even tried using my accounts but you blocked me too."
You scratch your head in embarrassment. "Oh yeah, sorry about that."
"It's all good. I know you were just trying to move on. But next time don't forget to bring your pals with you okay?"
"I won't, I promise this time!" You held out your pinky and Mark hooked his around it.
"Jaehyun was stupid for taking you for granted. He really liked you, you know?"
"Really?" Your curiosity was piqued.
"Yeah, I don't think he's ever felt that way about a girl before, so I guess he just didn't know how to act."
"I mean, not sleeping with Karina would've been a good start." You mutter.
Mark chuckles. "You're right, that was dumb of him. He wasn't even that into her, and isn't she dating that guy from Stray Kids now?"
Your noodles slip from your chopsticks and splash into your bowl. Noticing your sudden tenseness, Mark curiously watches you.
"Funny thing about that actually..." You begin revealing all the drama that had occurred between you and Hyunjin in these past months. Mark listens intently to your story, nodding his head and letting you pour out all your frustrations to him. "...and now he wants to talk to me in person." You finish.
Mark appears deep in thought. He holds his chin in his hand, resting his elbow on the table. "Have you ever considered that maybe he feels the same way about you?"
"Dude, you're supposed to me my friend here, not set me up for heartbreak again." You complain.
"No, no, but listen. You had no idea Jaehyun had feelings for you back then, right?"
"Right..."
"And the both of you being oblivious to your mutual feelings led to mistakes and misunderstandings." Mark explains. "Everything you're telling me about Hyunjin makes it seem like he's hesitant to confess to you because of the same reasons you're hesitant to confess to him. You're both too scared of losing each other by taking a leap, but the more you guys try to avoid the topic, the more it's going to drive you apart."
"Mark, you're missing the point. Hyunjin doesn't feel that way about me and he's seeing other girls. It's in the news!"
"Oh yeah, and the news is always true isn't it?" Mark crossed his arms. "How many times have there been false rumors circulating about you? You can't trust shit that comes from media outlets."
You're annoyed that Mark isn't taking your side, but he did have a point.
"Why don't you just hear him out? If it turns out that he was playing you all along, and that painting with you, watching movies and all the quality time you spent together was just some sick ploy to get into your head, then I will personally beat the shit out of this guy."
You laugh at Mark's brazen statement. "Don't act tough, you couldn't even hurt a fly."
"Seriously though! I think you should give him a chance. From how you describe him, he seems like a sincere guy. And give yourself some more credit too, who wouldn't fall for your awesome personality? You're a great catch, Y/N."
You meekly grin at his words. It felt great to have such supportive friends. "Alright, maybe I'll take your advice. But if it backfires in my face, you owe me 100 shin ramen bowls."
"Deal, you got this! I bet that dude is so in love with you, he's probably dying to have you call him back already."
You both stand up and dispose of your trash before heading home. Mark gives you one last bear hug before you part ways. Thinking about your conversation, you decide to be brave and hear what Hyunjin had to say, even if it might break your heart. You unlock your phone and dial his number. The phone rings only once before he picks up.
"Y/N?"
"Hey Hyunjin, I'm sorry for hanging up on you earlier. Do you still need to talk?"
"Y-yeah. Yes, I'd like to talk if you're free now. Are you sure I'm not...interrupting anything?"
"No, I finished my meeting already."
"Okay then, can I come over? Please?"
"Actually, I'm still outside. I'll come to you instead."
"Okay, yeah. I'll be here. See you soon."
"See you soon."
You continued on your path, one that might lead to devastation, but at the very least give you some closure. You're tired of running away and ignoring your problems, you're done with being a coward. This time, you'll face things head on. You'll put your heart on the line, and you hope it'll be worth it.