I can't react and I'm frozen, I can't even blink and I'm holding my breath as I feel James' arms tightly wrapped around me, pulling me against his body.
I've touched many people and things. At first I couldn't do it, I remember how I went through everything but then I learnt that I just had to concentrate and managed to succeed to be more... corporeal, I think. And since then I learnt that I've always kept that concentration. It's basically all I can do and a way to fool myself to think I'm not just a creepy ghost. I rather open a door than just go through it because that is just creepy. By now I'm so used to keep my mind focused that it comes naturally. Like breathing for a living person or even myself. I don't have to do it, but I do it unconsciously.
Even though, I have never been touched before by another human being. At least not since I died.
It feels... weird. Too warm and solid, it's electrifying and it makes me tremble. It's also shocking and all that anguish I felt before he hugged me disappears. I stay limp in his arms, I don't react, I just stare at the horizon over his shoulder but he hugs me even tighter. I also feel him trembling and soon after I hear something that's not right.
Is James crying?
I pull away before I can even get used or comfortable in the embrace, just to check on him and he is pale, his lips are a light shade of purple and he's clearly shivering, but he is also crying and his expression shows the most heartbreaking ache I've ever witnessed.
"A-are you okay?" I ask. Whatever worry I had before is gone when I see him. He looks terrible, ill and about to faint.
Naturally, I reach to grab his arm to guide him to sit but when I do his expression shows even more pain and his body kind of spasms so I retrieve my hand immediately, almost as if I touched a hot surface. Did my touch cause that on him?
"S-sit down, James. You look ill," I say, but my voice is trembling and I have a bad, terrible, horrifying feeling sinking in the pit of my guts, eating me from within.
"I'm f-fine," he says but his voice sounds shaky, betraying him completely. "I just need... a few minutes. That's all," he adds and slowly moves to sit on the bench.
For the first time I look around to see if someone else is passing by and saw him basically hugging himself. A boy is staring at him with a confused expression but then just gives James a what-a-freak look and resumes his way, leaving us alone again.
I focus on James one more time and I keep seeing tears falling down his cheeks, sorrow furrowing his brows and a grimace that tells me he is in pain.
I'm about to ask him what's wrong when he speaks first. "H-how... how do you go on with... with that much pain?"
For a few seconds I don't understand what he is asking and I'm about to request him to rephrase that when I remember what he told me before about touching ghosts and how he didn't like it because he could feel all what they did, the sorrow and pain. He hugged me, which means he felt all what I feel and now he is... he is crying, like I can't do. He is crying because of me. I did this to him.
My hand flies to my mouth, covering it as my eyes widen in horror. He rubs his face with his hands and wipes the tears way. It seems the colour is coming back to his skin but he still looks awfully pale and sick. And even if he brushes the tears away, these keep falling.
"There's so much... so much pain," he keeps rambling. "It eats you alive. So much fear and loneliness." He looks up to meet my horrified eyes and I can see in his expression all what I always feel and push to the back of my mind. "So much ache," he whispers. "How can you even smile when you feel like that?" he asks once again, a new tear falling down his cheek and I feel tempted to brush it away, but if I touch him I'll cause him more pain... and he'll get colder. It's winter already, no need to make things worse.
"Why did you do that? Are you mental?" I spat instead of answering his questions. "You said you don't like touching ghosts then why did you hug me? You don't even like me why did you do this to yourself? Why?!" I shout, getting angry because I can't even control my own emotions.
James looks at me with confused eyes but that's better. Part of the loneliness and sorrow are gone and that's good. Those aren't his emotions, he shouldn't suffer for them. They belong to me, they are my struggle.
"I can't understand you. You told me to leave you alone and I did, I apologised for what I did and obeyed but then you came after me. Time after time. Why? And not only that but you also hug me! You hugged me when you know better than anyone what that feels. Why did you do that? Are you a masochist?!" I keep shouting, pacing from one side to the other and getting more frustrated by the second. I know James' eyes follow me but I can't stand still.
"I— I was worried," he mutters and that makes me stop. I stare at him with wide eyes in disbelief.
"Pardon me?" James looks down and a bit of a blush comes to his cheeks that he tries to hide from me.
If ghosts could have a headache I'm sure I'd have a migraine by now.
"How couldn't I? You disappeared for a week without notice. You just left and then I couldn't find you and you didn't come the next day or the day after that. I was worried!" he raises his voice this time, but then takes a deep breath and continues. "I thought that you stopped coming because of me and I felt so guilty because you don't have to do that. What I said that day was just in the spur of the moment, you can't take it that seriously."
"I— I disappeared for a week?" I echo his words, completely confused and suddenly feeling like everything around me is spinning. My knees give out and I end up crouching down, my eyes keep watching him, though.
"You didn't know?" he asks, as confused as I feel. "Weren't you at home or avoiding college?" I shake my head because words fail me. "Where were you then?"
"I— I don't know. Last thing I remember is leaving the library," I start to explain, recalling what happened—a week ago. "Then I just ran until I reached the town limits and tried to keep going. I remember feeling weaker with every step and then I just blacked out. Next thing I know I'm back in Art History, on my desk, in the middle of the class with no recollection of how I got there."
Saying all that gives me a nauseating feeling but it's not like I can throw up, I just feel sick. What did really happen when I reached the town limits? Did I pass out? But then how did I come back? Is that why we can't leave the places we are bound to because even if we try we are back to them?
"What happened, James?" I ask him but he looks as lost as I do. "How?"
"I don't know. Is that why you were so surprised in the middle of the class?" he asks and I nod. "I was surprised too because I never saw you get in and I arrived first."
"I just... woke up there. I... for a moment I thought you brought me back but... Argh, what's happening?!" I shout, frustrated and mostly scared. I ruffle my hair, leaving it in a horrid mess but I don't care. James is the only one that can see it and it's not like he will mind.
"That is certainly weird. I never knew of something like that happening," he muses and I sigh heavily. "I knew ghosts were bound to places and were always lingering around them, but I never thought they couldn't actually leave. Something dragged you back, I don't know what, but it happened and it took a week."
I shiver at his words, wondering what and how that happened. Is this some superior being's doing or is it just how energy works? What am I made of? What am I? Is this like magnets, that the more I pull away from a place the stronger it pulls me back? And why was I out a week? Well, technically six days as I passed out on Wednesday and it's Tuesday now. Where did I go during that time? What happened to me during those days?
I heave a tired sigh and rub my face again. My head is so full of questions I can't even utter them out loud and I'm sure James doesn't know the answers. And even if he did, I don't want to bother him anymore. Being held in his arms was... nice. New and different, but nice nonetheless. At least for me it was. It felt warm and alive, but for him it felt like death. I know for sure one thing and that is that I can't ever touch James again, even by accident. the more reason now to keep my distance and not only from him but from anyone else.
Oh God... No wonder why Mum cries every time I touch her. Every time I did she felt my pain, she felt death touching her and that surely reminded her of losing her only child.
I can't breathe and I'm chocking again. I hit my chest with my fist several times as if like that I could relieve some of the ache there, that claustrophobic feeling but nothing happens. It's still there, in the centre of my chest, suffocating me.
"Why?" I ask in a whisper, feeling terrible for what happened to James because of me. "Why did you follow me? Why did you hug me?"
"I came after you 'cos I knew you were upset and something happened, plus I wanted to apologise. It seems that's all I do," he muses and his ashamed tone makes me forget a bit about the chaos in my mind. "But then I saw you so... lonely and miserable here and I just... I dunno, I just moved before I could even think of what I was doing."
"That was a stupid move," I declare flatly and he chuckles. "But thank you. Still, you're a fool for doing that. It only caused you pain," I remind him, looking into his blue eyes that still look a bit watery.
His face has recovered some of his colour, but he is still cold. I can tell by the way he snuggles inside his hoodie, making himself look smaller.
"It's your pain, though," he comments and that makes it worse, so much worse because it means I gave him that ache. "How do you do it, Paige?"
"I'm used to it. It's my pain, you shouldn't even know about it. You shouldn't have done that, James. No matter how guilty you feel, you don't go doing things you hate and are uncomfortable for you," I remind him and he actually shrugs. "And seriously, what do your really want? Why do you keep coming after me? If it's guilt, I told you already it's okay, you don't have to do that."
"It's not guilt," he says and I blink in surprise, my lips slightly parted in a small O.
"What?"
He chuckles as if my reaction amuses him, which only adds points to the theory he lost his mind.
"At first I thought you were like every ghost," he starts explaining, a little shrug to make it sound more casual. "But then when I told you to stay away you actually did. You didn't insist anymore when I told you I couldn't answer your questions or that I didn't want to help you. Every other ghost has pestered me until I give up and that's why I hate them. They don't know the meaning of no and they just ruin my life. But you stayed away despite the way I treated you." He smiles kindly at me and I can only blink. Any other reaction is something I can't accomplish. "You're the loneliest ghost I've met and after touching you I can say for certain that I've never met a ghost that feels so much pain as you do. And even like that, even if you're constantly suffering you still left me alone when I asked you to."
"Because you asked for it," I say as if that's the most obvious thing.
"Exactly. No other ghost did that, you're the first. You didn't force me to help you, you gave me the choice and respected my decision." His smiles widens a bit, become more endearing. "That makes you a special ghost. And I think it's remarkable you manage to look so cheerful when you feel like you do."
"I don't have another option," is all what I can say.
"That's why I want to give you another option," he continues, confusing me again.
"How do you plan on doing that?" I question.
He leans forwards, closer to me and that startles me, so I pull back but as I'm crouching down, I end up falling on my bum. His amused expression disappears and it's replaced by concern, so I hurry back on my feet and step away from him. His eyes follow me so I just smile widely to make him know I'm okay.
"So... how do you plan on doing that?" I repeat to distract him and his smile comes back.
Looking up to meet my eyes this time, he says, "On my own will, I'll help you, Paige."
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Cliffhangers just happen, I swear I don't do it on purpose D: Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Also... I'm a working woman! I finally found a job and I started today ^.^ in a primary school. I hope I'll do well.
Dedication to @Jayy_Martinez
Bel, xx
NU: Thursday
PS: If you have fan art you'd like to submit, you can always use my tumblr: http://belwatson.tumblr.com/submit (you don't need an account to submit, just an email and it doesn't even have to be real, although no one but me will see it).