I thought about calling Mariam in the weekend, as well as yesterday. But we have never spoken over the phone yet and I did not want to seem rude. It just felt wrong to call her.
Nevertheless, when I saw her today morning in the class, I wished I did.
She said Hi quickly when she came in. But she came in right on time and the professor was already writing on the board, as usual. I did not have the chance to talk to her, nor to apologize.
The girl who had added me to the WhatsApp group, Farah, comes and sits next to me every Tuesday and Thursday during this class. She talks to me, she asks how I am. She is nice. And she keeps me company.
I am redirected back to earth when the professor mentions that the class is finished for today and he will see us on Thursday.
Farah turns around to me before packing up her things.
"How are you finding this course? Easy? Tough?" she asks.
"Fine, I guess."
"I've seen all of this material before. I worked on a project that I needed to have all this information for. So really, if you need anything, I'm your guy."
"Thank you, truly. That is very nice of you."
Farah, I have been told, is one of the smartest people here. She is always getting the highest grades and has been listed as the first one on the Honour's List for most of her semesters. She told me once that she dreams of pursuing her studies in one of the top universities in the world. And that she has been working on it since her first year.
I wish I knew what I wanted to do after I am done. And I wish I was as determinate to get it.
But all I have planned for now is to finish this semester here and go back home for my senior year. After that year, I do not really know what I will be doing.
Farah finishes packing up and stands up.
I am trying to look around to see if Mariam left, but all the students are up and walking and I cannot see her.
"Caleb."
"Yes?" I look back at Farah.
"I noticed that you have a break after this class. I do too. Would you like to hang out for a bit?"
"I would love to. But to be honest, I have promised my friend to join him for breakfast. We do that on Tuesdays, it seems. Maybe another time?" I try to sound gentle.
She nods.
"Or maybe you can join us? If you'd like that, of course."
Farah's eyes lit. She nods happily. I text Danny quickly and turn my face back up to check again for Mariam. I want to apologize. I need to. But when I look up, none other than Farah and I were left in the room.
"Shit." I say under my breath.
"What was that?" Farah asks.
"Nothing. Sorry. Let's go."
When we sit down for breakfast, Danny and Farah recognize each other from a class they took together the previous semester.
"You were the one with the hundreds when all of us failed." Danny said.
"We kind of hated you." he added.
"Normally." she answered laughing.
The breakfast goes smoothly. Every now and then, I look at my watch. I do not know why I am in a rush. I will not be texting Mariam even if I leave right now. However, we did meet half an hour last time before the class. And I keep wondering if she will be there early today too.
But Danny and Farah's previous encounter and the fact that they hit it off makes the breakfast take very long, too long.
"Are we gonna keep sitting here?" I ask.
"Why not? Your class isn't for another..." Danny checks his watch, "45 minutes. That's a lot of time."
That I need to spend with Mariam.
But why is it hard for me to say?
I shrug and stay in my place. Farah tries to include me in the conversation the whole time they are talking. Danny seems less interested in whether or not I have something to say. He has more than enough to say to fill the whole time left, it seems.
I leave them a little before my class and they stay there, chatting. I go down to the building and take a look inside the class, Mariam is not here yet. I stay outside until the class is about to start, then I come in. And a minute later, she follows and takes a seat.
When the class is done, I stop her before anyone else talks to me.
"Mariam."
"Hello, Caleb."
"Can we talk?"
"Sure."
We move aside. The hallways are vast. But at the same minute every day, all classes end. Therefore, no matter where you stand, there will be traffic of students around.
"Actually, can we go outside? I can barely hear myself." I tell her.
"Sure."
We sit on the bench we sat on last time.
"I wanted to apologize for what happened last week."
"It is not a problem."
"It is not?" I am a little surprised.
"It isn't. These things happen."
"You hear things like that a lot?"
"All the time. And this country's majority is Muslim. Even Muslims sometimes say things like that without noticing." she laughs a little.
"Well, I hate that I was one of those people. And I am very sorry."
She nods, approving, accepting my apology. She looks genuinely okay. Maybe I exaggerated. And maybe she is too easy going.
"So why don't you wear like a veil or something? If I may ask. You don't have to answer that." I add one sentence after the other. I am afraid to say something wrong, again.
"I simply choose not to."
"So, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't like a thing. Like, you have to wear a veil?"
"I mean, Islam says you do, yes. But also Islam says a thousand other things. It is full of rules. And when I say rules I don't say it negatively, by the way. But in general, many people cannot follow all the rules."
"So you just choose some? Whatever you like?"
"No. Not at all. In fact, you should not focus on only what you like because sometimes this leads you to doing only what is best for you, and not what is best for humanity. You try to follow as many rules as possible, and keep on trying to do your best everyday. You push yourself forward. That's the idea. Until you reach perfection, you have to keep trying to do better. And you won't reach perfection. So there's your answer."
"You know, aside from Islam -the religion- what you just said is insightful in a general perspective. I'm an atheist, for example. But I can still adopt this philosophy; having to do better every day. In fact, I think I like it."
Mariam nods.
"So what kind of rules you do follow?"
"Oh. A lot." Mariam chuckles. "Islam is all about human beings and how to treat other people. General morals." She starts talking to me about what she does in her daily life as well as what her philosophy towards her religion is. Mariam is so convinced of every point she speaks. She is confident. She and I keep discussing religions and life for a long time, without keeping track of the hour, until it is almost sunset, and she has to leave.
"Should we sit together to study tomorrow? Lea and Andrew will be there." she asks me before she leaves.
"Sure."
She smiles, turns her back and walks away. Leaving me with a thousand more question and a thousand thought. It occurs to me that if Mariam had not decided to leave, I was never going to do that. Not for lunch, not for dinner, not for rest. The talk we shared was one of a kind. It was exactly why I needed this trip. And now, I am finally getting it.