Katsuki lowered the radio as Shouto climbed into the passenger seat. Katsuki inspected his face, hoping his friend was back to his old self.
"Morning."
"Hi," Shouto mumbled, fastening his seatbelt. He tossed his bag by his feet.
Katsuki watched with sad eyes. Shouto was still in a funk. He was unsure whether he should be concerned for Shouto or be angry with him. What would possess his best friend to shut him out like this?
Shouto'd been acting strange for two weeks now. He rarely smiled, at least around Katsuki. For a moment, Katsuki wondered if he'd done something to upset Shouto, but that didn't make sense. Their friendship was built around honesty. When Katsuki crossed the line, Shouto said so without hesitation.
That's what made this so hard. It wasn't Katsuki's intention to be selfish, but his feelings were hurt. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, that Shouto couldn't talk to him about. So for his friend to choose silence, Katsuki figured it was serious. And if Shouto insisted that everything was fine whenever he was prodded about it, then there was no way for Katsuki to help.
Shouto twisted his face in confusion as he peered at Katsuki. "What?"
Katsuki sported a fake smile, not caring if it was obvious or not. "Nothing," he replied before setting his truck in reverse and backing out of their driveway.
The ride to school was uncomfortably quiet. Shouto attempted to make conversation to pass the time, but Katsuki wasn't interested. There was only one topic he was willing to discuss, and Shouto made it clear that he wouldn't budge no matter how many times Katsuki brought it up. So, Katsuki didn't.
The first time Katsuki detected a wisp of a smile on Shouto's face was before their Japanese literature class. Katsuki just finished a rather tough algebra exam, but his dread over not doing as well as he would've liked came second to his friend's change in attitude.
Shouto proceeded down the hallway alongside that new kid, Hitoshi Shinsou. Katsuki didn't have the best impression of Hitoshi. He was quiet, wore way too much plaid, and looked like he hadn't slept in months. But if that's what's most offensive about him, then Katsuki couldn't muster enough energy to care about the guy.
Still, he was surprised Shouto was with him. Were they friends? Shouto never mentioned him. But they seemed more than acquaintances at least as Shouto offered a tiny smile as Hitoshi said something to him.
Katsuki was unsure how to interpret that. As of late Shouto was an anxious mess around everyone, including Katsuki. Yet this guy that'd been here for less than a month brought out a smile from him with seemingly no effort at all. What the hell was that about?
When Shouto's eyes met Katsuki's, his smile dropped instantly. He surveyed the rest of the students in the hallway, that worrisome expression returning. Clutching his books to his chest, he rushed into the classroom, leaving Hitoshi behind.
Katsuki froze, perplexed by what transpired. Maybe he read the situation wrong after all. Maybe Shouto was mad at him, even though Katsuki was clueless as to why that could be.
Shouto's desk was in the center of their lit class, Katsuki's desk right behind him. Discomfort settled in Katsuki's stomach as he shuffled inside, his gaze falling on his friend who appeared to be on the verge of a full blown panic attack.
Katsuki didn't even care anymore if he caused this. All he wanted was for Shouto to be okay.
"Hi Katsuki," Shouto said weakly as Katsuki passed him.
Katsuki offered a quick hello and sat down. Once he was settled, he cupped a hand on Shouto's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze.
As Shouto spun around, Katsuki leaned forward. A tenth grade classroom wasn't the ideal place to have this conversation, but this couldn't wait. Miss Kayama was too busy writing today's lesson on the board to notice anyway.
"Are you mad at me?" Katsuki whispered.
Shouto scrunched his face. "No," he whispered back. "Why would I be?"
Katsuki let go of Shouto's shoulder. "You practically ran away from me when you saw me in the hallway."
"That had nothing to do with you," Shouto said, frowning. "I promise."
"Then why can't you tell me what's going on?"
"Nothing's going on."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
Even if Shouto wasn't the worst liar on the planet, Katsuki wasn't an idiot. Shouto wasn't himself, and hadn't been for a while. Now Katsuki knew how Shouto felt last year during his suicidal episode. It was the worst pain imaginable, watching a friend succumb to hurt and not knowing how to fix it.
He glanced toward the front. Hitoshi's desk was closest to the door yet instead of focusing on Miss Kayama, his eyes were on Shouto. Well, they were until Katsuki spotted him. The purple haired zombie (as Katsuki referred to him) snapped his head forward as his complexion deepened to a rosy hue.
Katsuki snorted. Freak deserved it for being nosy.
Still smiling, he addressed Shouto again. "Seems like your new friend's worried about you too."
"Huh?" Shouto subtly glanced over his shoulder at Hitoshi before looking back at Katsuki. "What are you talking about?"
"Well he was just looking over here. So either he's worried about you like I am, or he has a crush on you."
He meant it as a joke, but Shouto certainly wasn't laughing. No, his body stiffened, his lips pressing together in a tight seal.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Katsuki blinked twice. "Nothing," he said before laughing awkwardly. "I was just joking."
"Well it's not funny," Shouto said through his teeth, "so shut the fuck up."
Katsuki's jaw dropped. Shouto's did as well, though his was less drastic. Still, the regret in his face was evident from the moment the words left his mouth.
"Good afternoon everyone," Miss Kayama said from behind her desk. "Let's brush through attendance real fast."
Shouto, head down, swung toward the front, his back now to Katsuki. Katsuki slumped in his chair as Miss Kayama conducted roll call. Somehow, in a few short minutes, things went from bad to worse.
He could count on one hand the number of times he heard Shouto curse, and none of those times were ever with such hostility. Especially with Katsuki on the receiving end.
What was the big deal? Katsuki made a harmless joke about the weird kid that joined their school all of two weeks ago.
Wait, two weeks?
As Katsuki thought it over, a hypothesis unraveled. Shouto's change in demeanor started around the time Hitoshi transferred to UA. Why that was, he couldn't say. But the answer was there, Katsuki was sure of it.
Maybe Shouto's hallway antics weren't because Katsuki saw him, but because Katsuki saw him with Hitoshi. And just now, Shouto snapped at Katsuki for suggesting Hitoshi had a crush on him.
That couldn't have been a coincidence. But what was it about Hitoshi Shinsou that had Shouto so on edge? More importantly, what about it made Shouto feel like he couldn't tell Katsuki?
Was Hitoshi bullying him?
No, that didn't make sense. Shouto seemed happy when the two were talking on their way to class, at least before Katsuki caught them. In fact, the way Shouto smiled, there was an innocence to it. Not that Shouto wasn't already innocent, but something was different this time. If Katsuki had to compare it to anything, it'd be the way he used to smile around Camie when they first started hanging out since he was nervous and inexperienced.
So that meant...
No. There was no way.
The idea that anything was going on between Shouto and Hitoshi was comical at best and offensive at worst. Shouto knew he wouldn't have had to hide that from Katsuki. Katsuki wasn't homophobic. Plus, not once in their almost decade long friendship had Shouto ever indicated that he was even remotely interested in boys. He was all about Momo Yaoyorozu when they were younger. He even dated her.
Then again, he also dumped her.
Still. Even with a one in a trillion chance of Shouto liking guys, there was a zero percent chance he'd ever be interested in Hitoshi Shinsou. Shouto was way too good for some purple haired creep who owned nothing but flannels and Timberlands. Katsuki didn't know why Shouto was so bothered by the comment he made, but it had nothing to do with having a crush on Hitoshi.
Katsuki needed to cut back on the amount of hot sauce he added to his rice during lunch. It was causing his brain to formulate these wild conspiracy theories.
Forty minutes passed of Katsuki not digesting a word of today's lesson. His mind was occupied elsewhere, the subject of which now calling after him once he stepped into the hallway.
"Wait, Katsuki."
Shouto hugged his books with one hand while the other grabbed Katsuki's wrist. Katsuki shivered at the contact. Shouto's hands always felt like icicles. But he toughed it out. He always toughed it out for Shouto.
When Katsuki faced him, Shouto's eyes resembled those of a helpless puppy. It was a kick to the gut. How did Shouto not fall apart from such sadness? Katsuki was about to fall apart just from looking at him.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you," Shouto said. "I shouldn't have done that."
Yeah, you shouldn't have, Katsuki wanted to say. Instead he replied, "It's whatever. Don't worry about it."
Sporting that same pained expression, Shouto let go of Katsuki's wrist. "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting too. It's just...I'm really stressed with school. And some other things."
Just then, Hitoshi walked by them. He winked at Shouto, and Katsuki was 99 percent sure he wasn't supposed to witness that. Shouto blushed and looked away while Katsuki suppressed a look of irritation. He never paid Hitoshi any mind before, but now that he had reason to, Katsuki realized there was something about that guy that rubbed him the wrong way.
But he was getting sidetracked. Hitoshi wasn't important right now, Shouto was.
"Sho," he said, "if something's bothering you, you don't have to keep it from me."
"I know," Shouto replied. Judging from the way he looked at Katsuki, his response was sincere. "I know. I just can't right now. I'm sorry."
Katsuki smiled gently as he threaded his fingers through Shouto's fringe. It wasn't the answer he wanted, but it was the first shred of honesty from Shouto he received in weeks. For now, it'd have to do.
"Don't be sorry," he said. "But let me know if there's anything I can do to help. You know I'm always here"
Shouto's face softened. "Actually," he said, voice shaky, "there is something you can do."
Katsuki blinked twice. He didn't expect Shouto to jump at the opportunity right away, but it was a pleasant surprise. And whatever it was, Katsuki was determined to follow through with it.
Shouto pressed his lips together as he tightened the grip on his textbooks. "When you're done with baseball today, do you, um, mind giving me a ride somewhere?"
*
"Do you want me to go in with you?"
Shouto shot Katsuki a half smile. His best friend had too big of a heart. At times, Shouto felt he didn't deserve Katsuki. Especially after losing his temper today.
Of course Katsuki had no idea. It was Shouto's fault anyway. His crush on Hitoshi was probably obvious to anyone who paid attention. Shouto tried, multiple times in fact, to tone it down at school, but he just couldn't. When Hitoshi was around, Shouto turned into a pathetic, lovesick schoolboy.
It didn't help that Hitoshi was a natural flirt. Not that Shouto didn't appreciate having a hot guy wink at him and call him cute every once in a while, but Hitoshi didn't actually like him back. It was just playful banter to him, and Shouto was so desperate for Hitoshi's attention that he tolerated it, even if it was bound to cause more pain in the long run.
"I'm fine," he told Katsuki. "I need to do this alone."
Katsuki nodded from the driver's seat. "Understood. Should I wait here for you?"
"I'll take the train home. I'm probably gonna be a while."
"Fine. But text me when you get home so I know you're safe."
Shouto snorted. "Classic Katsuki. Always so protective."
Katsuki faced forward with pursed lips. "Shut up," he muttered.
This time Shouto was the one to ruffle Katsuki's hair. As he did it, Shouto questioned why he didn't do it more often. Katsuki's hair was incredibly fluffy, like the fur of the cuddliest puppy.
"Thanks for the ride."
He hopped out of Katsuki's truck and stared at the entrance before him. It looked exactly the same after all these years. He knew this would be hard, but it didn't register how much until now.
Deep breath in, deep breath out. Shouto repeated this technique as he strolled past the gates and up the steep hill. The engine of Katsuki's truck roared in the background, signaling that his best friend drove off.
There was little light out as the sun had already set. Given that, it was miraculous that Shouto remembered where to go. He'd only been to this place once, and it wasn't a memory he looked back on fondly. He didn't even want to come that first time. A month shy of turning nine, Shouto thought if he ignored the truth, then he wouldn't have to live with it.
And while he accepted the truth years ago, he still had no desire to come here.
Until now.
He passed a few people as he walked toward his destination. Some in groups, some alone. Some old, some devastatingly young. A little girl no older than four carried a rose in one hand, her other hand held by a man, presumably her father, struggling to hold it together.
Shouto wondered about their stories, how often they visited this place. He couldn't imagine why anyone would make a habit of this, though of course he was biased. He'd been here for all of two minutes and he already wanted to turn around. But if he didn't do this now, Shouto didn't think he ever would.
His face remained stoic when he found it. The flower arrangement looked different, but that wasn't a surprise. The rest of his family came here frequently, Rei almost every weekend. Everything else was just as Shouto remembered it over six years ago. And just like the memories, the hurt flooded him as if no time passed at all.
He sat in front of it, not caring about the dirt that was bound to stain his jeans. The first sign of the moon slipped into the evening sky, light fading faster now. Yet, there was still enough for Shouto to survey the words carved into the granite before him.
TOUYA TODOROKI
JANUARY 18, 1997 - DECEMBER 16, 2013
Straight to the point. Just like death. There was no buildup, no grand finale, and definitely no sequel. This was it. An X on an emotionally torturous treasure map. Some reached it faster than others and once they did, the map was thrown away.
Shouto dipped his head. He had no idea what he expected to happen, but he hoped for something. A sign that his brother's spirit was with him somehow. But all he felt was the hard ground he was sitting on, the ground that housed Touya's casket six feet beneath it.
The thought of what his brother's corpse looked like now sickened him. Shouto never saw Touya's dead body. His parents opted for a closed casket. Plus with being so young, Rei insisted Shouto didn't have the memory of his brother tainted by what happened to him.
But Shouto was older now. He did the research. Touya's body wouldn't have fully decomposed, but it was well on its way. And even knowing that, if Shouto was offered the chance to dig up Touya's coffin, he'd do it in a heartbeat just to hug what was left of his brother's body one last time.
"Hi Touya," he whispered.
His teeth chattered as he held in his tears. Shouto didn't come here to cry. He came here because he couldn't think of anyone else to talk to about this.
Sitting cross legged, he picked at his fingernails. "I'm probably talking to no one, but I really hope somehow you hear this."
Shouto was unsure if he believed in an afterlife. It seemed promising, but idealistic. But if he didn't believe, that meant a drunk driver cut Touya's one chance at life short. Sixteen years, just one year older than what Shouto was now. That was all Touya got. It wasn't just cruel, it was downright sinister.
Shouto sniffled. "A lot's changed since you left. Mom and Dad got divorced." He let out a faint chuckle. "You're probably happy about that."
Of course, Touya didn't respond. Still, Shouto kept listening for his brother's voice. It was the worst kind of wish to make, the one that would never come true no matter how badly he wanted it to.
"Fuyumi and Keigo are dating," he said. "I wish you could've been there when it happened. Your reaction would've been priceless. But Keigo's good to her. They'll probably get married one day."
Shouto nodded to himself. It was nice to recap some of his family's highlights, even if he was talking to himself, but it was just to stall time. The real reason he was here, well, that was a lot harder to say.
"I..." he began, "I met someone."
Since he met Hitoshi, nothing made sense to Shouto anymore. He questioned everything, but most of all himself.
"His name's Hitoshi." Shouto trembled as he forced the words out. "He's really nice. And I...well, I like him."
He stopped to take a deep breath. While he admitted it to himself, Shouto never voiced his crush aloud. If he wasn't already sitting down, he'd probably fall to his knees. Adrenaline, anxiety, Shouto felt them both at the same time.
"I really like him," he choked out. "And I'm scared that I like him."
The first tear fell, the second and third falling immediately after. Shouto tucked his hands into his sleeves, his lip quivering. He knew he already lost the battle with his sobs, so he just let them flow.
His voice cracked as he spoke. "I'm scared of what'll happen to me if people find out. I'm scared they'll treat me differently. Call me names. Try to hurt me."
Shouto hugged his knees to his chest and cried into his forearms. Even now, at his lowest point, his heart still shattered when he couldn't sense Touya's spirit around him. All he wanted was a hug from his big brother. He wanted Touya to wipe away his tears like he used to. Tell Shouto everything would be okay. But that was impossible.
Shouto paused his sobs just enough to get his last sentence in. "And I just wish you were still here to protect me."
After that he lost it. Nearly seven years since his brother died, and Shouto's body produced enough tears to account for every single one.
"God, I need you," he sobbed, his voice muffled from his face buried into his arms. "I'm-" He cried harder. "I'm not strong enough for this. How am I supposed to get through this without you?"
This time he didn't hold out to hear Touya's voice. Even if his brother could respond, Shouto doubted he would have an answer that would satisfy him enough.
So he cried alone, and he kept crying until he couldn't anymore. His sleeve accumulated a fair amount of snot, his head was on fire, and for a moment he thought he'd throw up from how much pain he was in.
But when it was over, Shouto felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. Even if he never spoke of this again, even if his audience was non responsive, at least he got this off his chest one time.
The only thing harder than coming to the cemetery to visit his brother's grave was leaving. Shouto'd spend the night there if he could. He told himself it was so Touya wouldn't have to spend another night alone, but he was the one who truly needed comfort.
Shouto pressed a hand to Touya's tombstone and said a prayer, just in case. And then he wiped the dirt from his pants, steadied his breathing as realization set in that Touya couldn't come with him, and left.
His appearance was still disheveled when he boarded the train. There was a decent crowd, but he managed to snag a seat. The train ride back to Musutafu wasn't too long, but it was long enough for Shouto to spark an idea.
Perhaps it was because compared to Touya's death, everything else in his life seemed trivial. But at that moment, Shouto wasn't scared of rejection.
He and Hitoshi exchanged numbers a week ago, but they never texted. And if Shouto didn't take initiative, they possibly never would.
So, a newfound confidence within him, Shouto pulled out his phone, typed a quick message before he changed his mind, and hit send.
Shouto
hey.
Apparently confidence had a limited shelf life because as soon as the message was delivered, Shouto shut his phone off.
He kept it off for ten minutes. Shouto refused to be one of those people that drove themselves to insanity as they stared at their phone waiting for their crush to reply.
But when he turned his phone back on, dread creeped through him when he realized Hitoshi texted him a mere thirty seconds after Shouto sent his.
Hitoshi
hey!
Shouto wanted to die.
Terrified that Hitoshi now assumed he was left on read, the poor boy punched his thumbs into his cellular device, conjuring the first message that came to mind. It wasn't an original one, but he could make up for it later.
Shouto
how's your day going?
Just like before, Hitoshi answered immediately.
Hitoshi
about 10 times better now that you're texting me 😊
Shouto's blush deepened, but his heart leaped as he read the words over, six times total. The fluttering in his chest spread to his stomach, then to his toes. If this was how happy he could feel from just a few texts from Hitoshi, he reckoned his face would hurt from smiling before he went to bed tonight.
Shouto
same here 😊
Hitoshi
❤️
so what are you up to?
Shouto didn't care how ridiculous he looked on the train, smiling at his phone like it was gold. The little laugh that escaped his lips as the two texted back and forth would've mortified him under any other circumstance, but he was too elated to care.
This didn't cure everything. Shouto was still afraid for his future. The world didn't magically become safe for boys who crushed on boys in the span of one night.
But one night, this night, was all he needed. He was excited. He was giggly. He was happy.
And he deserved to enjoy it.