The next couple of days felt like torture. Lisa would wake up and check her phone for any messages from Roseanne and find none. And every time her phone buzzed, a flicker of hope would rise within her, wanting it to be Roseanne, and more so, wanting it to be a hopeful Roseanne. And not a Roseanne who had given up on them completely.
She tried to keep herself distracted. When she wasn't house hunting, she was catching up with her friends. She spent a day at Grace's too, it felt good to be back home and in the company of everyone she loved. But there was a hollowness in her heart, and she knew why. That hollowness would only be filled when she was sure Roseanne wasn't mad at her anymore or would give her a chance for them to try being friends in the least.
It was Thursday. 4 days had passed since she last saw Roseanne, heard her voice, and reveled in her presence again. And the more time passed, the more she feared Roseanne was coming up with reasons for them to lose any semblance of a relationship.
Lisa met up with her agent. She'd been house-hunting since Monday, she was desperate to find a place again, she couldn't be living out of a hotel room any longer. Haein had given her this agent's name and contact, and the woman was quite friendly and seemed to understand Lisa's requirements.
Just as they were walking out of one of the apartments she'd just seen, her phone began to ring. ROSEANNE. She quickly picked up.
"Roseanne? Hey!" Lisa answered quickly "Lisa, Hi..." Roseanne said, calmly.
"Maybe we should stop somewhere for lunch before going to a new place?" The agent spoke to Lisa, not realizing she was on a phone call.
"Sorry, uh, you have company, I can call later..." Roseanne said, sounding a little nervous suddenly.
"Uh no, ummm, I'm just house-hunting. That was my agent, Laura." Lisa rushed to explain, hoping Roseanne wasn't jumping to any kind of conclusions.
"Oh, okay." Roseanne said.
"How are you?" Lisa asked, she wanted to keep the conversation going, and that was the first thing she thought to ask, even though she knew she'd seen Roseanne's just a couple of days ago, and with the way they left things, Roseanne was probably not in the best of moods. It was a ridiculous question to ask.
"I'm fine... uh... listen I was thinking, we should catch up. To talk." "Yes! Umm... are you free today?" Lisa asked.
"I'm at work right now, but I should get done by 6 pm." Roseanne said.
"Alright, do you want to get something to eat or something?" Lisa asked carefully.
"Let's just go for a walk?" Roseanne replied.
"Yes, sure. That works." Lisa said with a smile. Roseanne was letting her in. This was Roseanne letting her in right?
"If we get hungry, we can always stop for a bite somewhere," Roseanne said. "Yeah, that sounds good to me."
"Yeah" Roseanne replied and then there was an awkward silence. "I'll come pick you up at 6?" Roseanne asked.
"Oh no, there's no need. I'm going to be out all day looking at places, so I'll be below your office building by 6."
"Alright, I'll see you then." Roseanne said
"Yes, bye Rosie" Lisa said and they hung up.
Roseanne stared at her phone and exhaled heavily. She'd been so nervous to make that call.
But if she and Lisa were going to mend whatever this was between them, they needed to start somewhere. And maybe they could start with filling up the blanks from the last 3 years. Maybe in trying to fill those in, Roseanne could shush that voice inside of her that constantly reminded her how she was still so in love with Lisa In trying to mend this friendship, she could maybe tame those feelings inside her, learn to be what Lisa wants them to be. Friends.
In filling in those blanks, she would be reminded of just how much distance remains between them, an effect of being apart 3 years now, they could be 2 whole different people now.
She's spent 4 days thinking and re-thinking her decision. Lisa was wrong to have shown up all of a sudden like that, but she'd be lying to herself if she said she wasn't a bit relieved she was back.
But above all of that, Lisa needed to know, that she couldn't be the one always trying to control this. It wasn't something that should be manipulated this way. And Roseanne made that clear to Lisa that night/ she saw Lisa realize her mistake. And Lisa did apologize. And she had respected her need for space.
But now that Lisa was here, Roseanne couldn't help but wonder why she was keeping her at bay. They could try to mend things and be friends now, right? Maybe the distance helped Lisa. By god, it hadn't helped Roseanne much. She knew she still had a soft corner for Lisa in her heart and if given the opportunity if Lisa felt the same, they would be right back at square one.
But if there was a chance they could redeem their friendship, if there was a chance Lisa was over their... well whatever that was that they had between them, then maybe she could try to keep a friendship alive. She would try. Roseanne had learned the hard way, that life can be too short. And she didn't want to lose Lisa, in time spent pondering whether she deserved forgiveness for showing up again in her life.
Here she was, having just arranged to meet Lisa. She had to admit, hearing the other woman's voice in the background of that call had her feeling all sorts of things in that one second before Lisa clarified that was the agent. She didn't want to think about what it means that she felt so uneasy at the idea of Lisa being with someone.
It was 6 now and she was standing below her office building when she got a call from Lisa. "Hey, I'm right outside the entrance, near the no-parking sign." Lisa said.
Roseanne looked around "I'm outside too" she said in confusion, and then she had a sudden realization. "Wait, Lisa. Shit I'm sorry."
"What is it?" Lisa sounded worried.
"Ummm, I forgot to mention, my office address has changed," Roseanne said. "Oh"
"I'm sorry, I should have remembered that you wouldn't know."
"Uh, that's no problem, I'll take a cab to where you are. Just text me the new address? I'll be there"
"No. This was my fault, I'll come to you"
"Roseanne, really it's nothing, besides, the park's closer to you, we could go for a walk around there, so just hold on, I'll come to your new address." Lisa insisted.
So Roseanne texted her the address and about 20 minutes later when Lisa arrived, Roseanne greeted her with a hug. She had spent the last 5 minutes overthinking what would be appropriate, after their last tense encounter. Just a wave to say hi? a hug? A warm squeeze of her arm, she didn't decide until Lisa was in front of her and her entire being just wanted to be as close as possible.
"Hi" she said with a careful smile and hugged Lisa, and at first Lisa's body language was so unsure, but she seemed to ease into her embrace eventually.
Lisa hoped this embrace was a sign that they'd be okay. That Roseanne wasn't bringing news of the bad kind, that Roseanne wanted to give their friendship a try.
"Once again, I'm so sorry about the mix-up" she said as she regretfully pulled away before it got too close for comfort.
"Roseanne, stop apologizing. I know you would have told me about the shift had I left those channels open to you in the last three years" Lisa admitted with a sad smile.
Roseanne nodded, but then shrugged and asked "Are you hungry?"
"Not yet." Lisa said and they began to walk towards the park. "How was work today?" Lisa asked.
"It was okay, last week was hectic, but this week looks better. I moved up 2 positions since... well after Jennie..."
Lisa nodded "Congratulations! You deserved that recognition. Jennie would often tell me that you were being overworked and not recognized for what you brought to the table. She would be proud" Lisa said and Roseanne felt elated. "I'm proud of you too." Lisa added.
Roseanne looked at her and said "Thank you, Lisa" "So you have a lot of subordinates?"
"Yeah" Lisa said with a laugh. "They hate me I think."
"Well every leader ends up having a few haters, it's okay. Management positions aren't easy." Lisa said.
"I did hear from some of my colleagues that my interns have been crushing on me apparently." This made Lisa laugh. "I'm not even surprised," she said.
Roseanne seemed lighter on her feet now, a little joyful too. "Yeah?" she said "Do I come across as a heart-throb lawyer"
"Oh you always were. My best friend fell for the heart-throb lawyer." Lisa said. "She did." Roseanne said smiling.
"Did you tell them they've got no chance?" Lisa said all of a sudden. "Hmmm?" Roseanne asked, missing the drift.
"The interns? Do they know you're not looking for anything..." Lisa asked.
"Oh. No I mean, no one's approached me or anything. It's all harmless gossip and idle talk. They'll get over it eventually."
Lisa nodded. They fell into a comfortable silence as they neared the promenade of the park. People were out on their evening jogs, some were walking their dogs, some couples holding hands and just strolling, some parents with their kids playing in the grass, and then there was them.
Two friends?
"What about you, how did the house hunting go?" Roseanne asked.
Lisa was getting impatient. She wanted to have that conversation done with. She wanted to understand where they stood with one another. She needed to know. "Oh yeah, ummm, it was okay." Lisa said.
"Found anything you like yet?" Roseanne asked
Lisa nodded in the negative. "I'm seeing a couple of other places tomorrow" "Okay"
They were silent again until Roseanne finally said what she'd been wanting to say since she saw Lisa today.
"I'm okay with us being friends." she said.
Lisa stopped walking. And Roseanne stopped before her. "Let's give it a shot." Roseanne said.
Lisa nodded. "Yes, okay. I'm good with that"
"I just... I realized we're all we've got. You, me, Jisoo. We lost Jennie. And we lost you for 3 years. Well at least I did. Jiss was still in touch with you," Roseanne said, rambling. "But I don't want to spend another second thinking I've lost you too..."
Lisa stepped closer "Me neither. I... we can be friends. We can forget... what happened..." Lisa said, while nodding her head.
Roseanne nodded too, she then looked down and reached for Lisa's hands, they were kind of sweaty and Roseanne found that cute. She thought she felt Lisa shiver though when she touched her.
"To be honest, I don't think I could forget. But I'd like for us to be close again. As friends."
Lisa smiled softly. It was true. She wouldn't ever forget either. She couldn't even if she tried. Roseanne was imprinted into her memory. The Roseanne who had kissed her, held her, made love to her in that home of theirs. Lisa swore, had they not just had a conversation about agreeing to be friends, she would have leaned in and kissed Roseanne. But they did have that conversation, and she would need to get a better control over her raging hormones right now.
She got what she wanted. Roseanne was going to stay in her life. Even if just as a friend. It was the least she could ask for, and she got it. 'Be happy with it, Lisa.' she told herself internally.
"You forgive me? For being so insensitive about this... for showing up all of a sudden...I meant no disrespect, I didn't realize what I'd done wrong by showing up like that until you called me out on it, and since then I've been feeling so horrible"
Roseanne nodded.
"Yeah, uh... I didn't like that you left Lisa, and even though I would have given anything to have you back, it shocked me, seeing you again, I wasn't mentally prepared, and there you were, asking me for everything to go back to normal, it doesn't... it doesn't just work that way... you can't control things like that... they don't work that way cause YOU want them too..."
"I understand..."
"Yeah... let's just focus on... rebuilding a friendship... and we'll see... what becomes of this?"
Lisa nodded with a soft smile. She could do this. This much was enough.
Roseanne turned to continue walking and led Lisa to join her. "Getting back to what we were just talking about, I hope it's not like you're waiting for me to invite you over or anything, but you should know that my home is yours too. If you wanna just come over and stay, if you're comfortable I guess. Whether temporarily or permanently, it can go back to the way things were..."
Lisa was silent and just as she began to say something Roseanne added
"By 'the way things were' I mean before Jennie... when Jennie was around. I've gotten used to sleeping in my own bed again, and I won't bother you downstairs. Or if you want, you could even take the upstairs room, I'm perfectly fine with a sofa-bed"
"No" Lisa said. "I mean, no, if I were to come-back, I wouldn't kick you out of your room, Rosie. That room belongs to you. And Jennie. Your memories... I couldn't just... hijack that."
Roseanne nodded in understanding.
"And thank you, for letting me know. I can't say I didn't think about it, I just wasn't sure how to approach the topic, given how we... left things."
"To be honest I still don't know how I'd feel about you being back home, but regardless, it remains your home too. You can come back if you'd like. We're adults. We can learn to trace back our steps from what we once were... right?"
"Right" Lisa said. And if Roseanne noticed Lisa looking away for a second, she tried not to wonder if it was so that she could hide her emotions from showing.
"I'll let you know okay; I think I should see a couple of more places before I decide to hijack your space"
"Yeah sure, no problem" Roseanne said.
"You want to sit down for a while?" Lisa asked.
They sat down by a tree in the grass, the sun was low somewhere on the horizon, causing a pink and orange glow in the skies.
Once more, the silence was comfortable. They were just watching people around, Lisa's hand played with the grass, Roseanne was staring at the skies, then at the children playing nearby.
"I visited her grave every month for at least 10 months after it happened." Roseanne said out of the blue.
"Yeah?" Lisa asked. Roseanne nodded.
"I would sit by her gravestone and talk to her like she was still there. I'd tell her about work, about Grace, about Jisoo, Joohyun"
Lisa looked at Roseanne and Roseanne looked at her and finally said "I told her about us"
Lisa let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. They fell silent again.
"I was drinking a lot, until the day Jisoo told me she was pregnant. Something in me clicked that day, and I vowed to myself that I would look out for her, the way she looked out for me. I felt I owed it to her. So I slowly reduced the drinking."
"I'm glad you did." Lisa said.
"Yeah. One day Joohyun stopped me before I left from their place to go to Jennie's grave and then home, she told me I was making all of this harder for myself by visiting her grave so often. That I was making it harder to let her go"
A rage took over Lisa's heart in that moment, she hated that someone stood between Roseanne and her Jennie. She hated that someone told her she had to let go of Jennie. Roseanne seemed to have picked up on her change in emotion.
"It's okay Lisa. She was right. I mean I can't let go of her entirely just like that, but I needed to start getting my life back on track, I needed her to stay with me in memory, and not take up so much of my life. I had to start living with the grief, and not dying with it each day..."
Lisa nodded in understanding.
"So you don't visit her grave anymore?" Lisa asked.
"I feel like she's in my mind, so she knows what I'm thinking regardless. I stopped going to the grave too often. Told myself she isn't there anymore, she's here." Roseanne said, placing her hand on her own heart.
"She is." Lisa said and they fell silent again.
"I went to the cemetery soon after I landed," Lisa said. "Yeah?" Roseanne asked and looked at Lisa intently.
"I had stopped on my way and picked up some flowers and placed them on her grave. And just sat there for a while"
"Do you talk to her too?" Roseanne asked with a smile.
"In my head, I guess. I told her I feel bad for leaving you. And I told her I hope you're not too angry with me."
Roseanne chuckled.
"I was pretty angry with you." Roseanne said.
"I'm hung up on that 'was'" Lisa replied with a smile.
"You did what was necessary then, Lis. I understand now." Roseanne said and reached out to place her hand on Lisa's and squeezed softly, but she didn't move it away, and so Lisa turned her hand under Roseanne's and they held on for a while, just sitting like that in a silence between them, reveling in the ambience around them.
It was 8 pm now and they were walking mindlessly, just talking about random stuff,
"I know I told you we're doing an evening walk, but it's late and maybe we could grab a bite at a diner or something?" Roseanne asked.
"Yeah, sure, I don't mind that." Lisa said,
They were seated in this new diner that had opened up on the street they were on. Roseanne had said she'd come here alone sometimes when she was in the mood for a burger and shake.
A waitress came over to their table
"Hi, it's you again!" she said excitedly, looking at Roseanne. "Hi" Roseanne said with a gentle smile.
"What can I get you?" the girl asked. She looked to be a couple of years younger than Roseanne.
"I'll have the fish and chips, and a soda" Lisa said, handing her menu back over, the waitress took it down in the little notepad and then turned to face Roseanne.
"I'll have my usual," Roseanne said.
"Noted" the girl smiled at Roseanne, then winked and walked away. "Uhhh" Lisa began.
"I know, okay" Roseanne said, covering her face with her hand. Lisa laughed. And then she looked at Roseanne's hand.
"Where's your ring?" she asked. Roseanne looked at her own fingers then and spoke.
"I don't wear it to work, I mean, everyone at work knows about Jennie. And well, I was meeting you after work, so I didn't feel the need."
Lisa nodded. She looked over at the waitress and caught her staring at Roseanne. She tried to ignore it. She really did.
They talked about other stuff, Lisa explained more about her job in DC to Roseanne, told her about her colleagues there, and all the drinking they did on the weekends.
The waitress returned with their food and placed a basket of fries on their table too
"Complimentary" she said, smiling at Roseanne again and turned to walk away, deliberately swaying her hips. Lisa was looking at her, but when she looked back at Roseanne, Roseanne seemed unaffected, already digging into her food.
Lisa decided to let it go.
They talked about Livvy, Roseanne explained she's at Jisoo's house almost every weekend, and told Lisa she should come over too next weekend, it would be nice for all of them to hang out together again, Jisoo would appreciate it too.
When they were done eating, Roseanne excused herself to go to the bathroom, the waitress returned to clear their plates away and Lisa thanked her.
"If I may ask, she's single right?" the waitress asked.
Lisa put down the napkin she was using to dap at her lips and looked up at the girl. "She is, but she's not interested in anyone right now. So back-off." Lisa stated firmly. "And who are you? To her." The snarky waitress asked.
"A friend. And a protective one at that. So keep your flirting to yourself." Lisa said. The girl made a face and walked away.
Roseanne returned and the waitress girl brought the bill to their table.
"Let me get that." Lisa said, reaching out to take it, but Roseanne wouldn't have it.
"No, this is me, Lis. I owe you this much for inconveniencing you today with the wrong address"
Lisa laughed. "Alright, but the next one's on me," Lisa said and Roseanne chuckled and nodded in the negative.
The waitress took the bill back, along with Roseanne's card, Roseanne and Lisa got out of the booth and decided they'd just collect the card at the counter.
When they walked out, Roseanne stared at the bill and laughed. "What is it?" Lisa asked.
"She left her number." Roseanne said.
"What?! Show me!" Lisa said, unbelievably.
Roseanne showed her the number at the bottom of the piece of paper and laughed.
"What a bitch, even after I told her to back-off" Lisa said, mindlessly and then realized she'd said that out-loud.
Roseanne had stopped in her tracks and was looking at Lisa. "You told her to back off?" Roseanne asked.
"Uhh... I mean, she asked me if you're single, I said you are, but you're not interested in anyone. I hope... I hope I didn't overstep..." Lisa said nervously.
"No, no. Of Course not. I AM not interested in anyone or anything right now. That's true." Roseanne said.
"Yeah, so I just told her that." Lisa said, looking away and Roseanne fell back into step with her as they walked.
"Thanks? I guess" Roseanne said with a chuckle.
Lisa hit her shoulder playfully and said "Shut up" "Wear your ring, next time." she added.
"Aye aye" replied Roseanne, still with a bright smile on her face.
Lisa didn't know what came over her. She just told Roseanne to wear her wedding ring the next time they were out. Roseanne wasn't interested in anyone. And she was keen on making sure that if Roseanne was not going to be hers, she would stay Jennie's and no one else's, as selfish as that sounded.
Roseanne smirked all the way back home, because you'd had to have been dumb to not realize what had happened back there at the diner. Lisa was protective of her. Right? Could she call it jealousy?
Was it jealousy? Roseanne looked over at Lisa and Lisa looked at her with a soft smile. Well, whatever it was, it was cute for now.
"I'll walk you home" she said to Lisa, and she saw Lisa's features switch, from probably thinking of telling her it wasn't needed, to then deciding, it really was okay, they'd missed each other. As friends, it was alright to allow themselves this company.
"Okay" Lisa said.
When they got to her building, Lisa sighed and said, "Thanks, for initiating this."
"No problem, I quite enjoyed catching up with you." Roseanne said, her hands in her coat pockets and her eyes gazing down at the floor for a second and back up at Lisa.
"You'll let me know about your house hunting updates?" Roseanne finally said, "I will." Lisa said.
"And if you need a break from work, ever, just holler, I'll come by and rescue you," Lisa said with a smile. And then added "to the right address this time."
Roseanne laughed "Noted, thanks. And once again, I'm really sorry"
"It's okay, Rosie. We're bound to have a couple of slip-ups, it's been 3 years." Lisa said. Roseanne nodded in understanding and said "yeah"
"I'll see you soon?" Lisa asked then, not really wanting to part ways, but knowing they would have to at some point.
"Yeah.. uh... we'll text." Roseanne said and then awkwardly, she stepped forward, and would have stepped back, had Lisa not pulled her into a hug.
"Don't hesitate, Roseanne, by god, we've done far-worse." Lisa said with a chuckle.
Roseanne laughed too, and allowed herself the comfort of Lisa's arms even if just for a few seconds.
When they pulled apart, Roseanne wouldn't make eye-contact. But she was smiling, so Lisa let it go. At least for now.
"I'll see you soon." Roseanne said and walked away.
"Wait Roseanne" Lisa called out. Roseanne turned around.
"Thank you, for giving this, giving us a chance, this friendship..." Roseanne nodded with a smile and walked away.
The next day, around 11 am, Lisa received a message from Roseanne. It was a photograph of her hand, with Jennie's ring there.
Lisa smiled to herself and quickly replied back "Good, this will keep those bitches' claws off you."
"You just assumed the worst of every woman here." Roseanne replied. "Well, they're all bitches if they're not Jennie," Lisa said.
"Or you, apparently ;)" Roseanne replied.
"Shut up. :D" Lisa replied as she laughed at her phone. "House hunting today?" Roseanne asked then.
"Yep, just waiting for Laura-my agent to arrive." "Hmmm, maybe you should wear a ring too ;)."
Lisa smiled at the text and then replied back "Nope, my vibe is enough I think, to keep any and all predators away."
"Are you? Keeping people away?" Roseanne replied after a moment's pause.
Now Lisa paused. Unsure how she was supposed to reply to this. Truth was she wasn't interested in seeing anyone either. Hadn't been for 3 years now. But in DC, well, she had complicated things for herself. She didn't technically 'see' anyone she explained to herself. But UGH! It was more nuanced a conversation to have. But she wasn't about to explain that to Roseanne over text.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to probe, don't answer that if you don't want to." Roseanne double texted.
"I am, right now. I think. Keeping people away. But Roseanne, I'll explain when we meet next, okay? And no, you're not probing. You're curious. Anyone would be after being away from a friend for 3 years."
"Okay. Have a great day, Lisa" came Roseanne's text. And Lisa did not want to leave their conversation just like that.
"Do you wanna meet me for coffee on Saturday?" she asked Roseanne. "Sure" came Roseanne's reply.
And Lisa decided this was better.
They were seated in a cafe, their coffees before them, Roseanne took a sip and closed her eyes to relish the feeling. She absolutely loved coffee. It always immediately grounded her. And she needed it. Ever since she'd woken up this morning, on her day off, she'd been thinking about seeing Lisa again, it made her heart feel light, the anticipation.
And when they'd met on the corner of the block, she couldn't help the smile that adorned her face when she saw Lisa in her jeans and racerback, with her favourite red jacket on.
"Hey"
"Hi" Lisa had said.
"This jacket..." Roseanne said, looking at her outfit
"I can't bring myself to throw it out, I know it's ancient," Lisa said with a chuckle as they'd fallen in step together walking towards the cafe.
Roseanne laughed "It is, isn't it? I think I first remember you wearing it that first week I met Jennie." Lisa smiled. Yep, this jacket had seen it all. But she loved it. It was precious to her.
"How's Joy?" Lisa asked once they were seated at a table and their coffees were before them. She took a sip from her own mug.
"She's alright. She came down to stay with me for a month, a little after you left." Roseanne said. Lisa nodded.
"Lisa, I told her about us." Roseanne said, not looking up at her directly. Lisa almost spat her coffee out.
"I'm sorry, it's just... she could see how miserable I was, and if there's anyone who can see right through my lies, it's her. She prodded until I came clean, I'm sorry"
"No, uh. You don't need to apologize... She was taking care of you and that's important to me. I'm not upset that you told her... it's just..." Lisa looked down at her mug, and when she looked up and outside the window beside them, Roseanne noticed her cheeks reddening.
"Uhhh, Lisa? What are you not telling me?" Roseanne asked, trying to get Lisa to look at her.
"Okay what do you know about me and Joy? In that little time she and I were together?" Lisa asked.
"Uh nothing, just that you went on a couple of dates... wait. did you? I mean did you both ever...?" Roseanne hoped Lisa understood her non-words.
Lisa bit her lip and then covered her face.
"Oh. My. God. You've had sex with both, my cousin and me." Roseanne looked halfway amused, half- way mortified.
Lisa reached out and whacked Roseanne's hand on the table. "Don't say it like that. It was two different periods of my life." Lisa chuckled.
"But it's true isn't it?" Roseanne had a teasing smirk on.
"Well yes, but like, I didn't intentionally want to fuck both the Park' sisters." Roseanne smiled smugly and took a sip of her coffee and said "but you did."
"Shut up" Lisa laughed. She liked this. This banter. Even though it was about them having sex, it was good right? Friendly banter.
"Okay, I gotta ask, who was better?" Roseanne said. "Roseanne!" Lisa exclaimed.
"Come on!"
"What if you're not ready to accept the answer?" Lisa asked with a raised eyebrow. "I promise to be completely objective"
"You can't. You're literally one of the options you're giving me." Lisa said with amused laughter.
"Come on, I promise, I'll be objective" Roseanne urged. "Joy" Lisa answered
"Hmmm?" Roseanne asked, reaching for her coffee again and taking a sip. "I said Joy Park was better."
"At what?" Roseanne asked
"What do you mean at what? Have you forgotten what we're talking about?" Lisa asked, incredulously.
"Well, you can't possibly mean the whole experience right, I'm sure she must have sucked at something and I must have been better at something" Roseanne said.
"I can't believe you right now!" Lisa said, laughing at Roseanne's reaction. "What?" Roseanne asked.
"You said you'd be objective!" Lisa argued. "I am! I am being objective."
"You're jealous." Lisa said.
"Am not!" Roseanne said and a small smile came upon her face. "Okay I am. What do you mean Joy was better?! We literally had the wildest sex possible. There's no way my cousin sister has that side to her."
"Well, I would know, I'm the one who's been with both of you." Lisa said. "You're doing this to trouble me, I swear to god, Lis" Roseanne said, challenging.
Lisa laughed, "I told you this conversation was not going anywhere you'd like it to".
Roseanne shrugged and stayed quiet. She bit into her croissant and then looked out the window. There was a moment of comfortable silence between them until Roseanne was alerted of a text on her phone, she looked down to see,
"You were better, by miles. You're a league of your own. Joy couldn't care for me the way you did even if she tried." Roseanne could feel the proud smile come upon her own face and she knew Lisa was watching. She was trying so hard to tame it, to not let her pride show. But she was startled when she felt Lisa's foot against her ankle, she gasped and looked up to find Lisa smiling back.
"You're a kid!" Lisa said and pulled her foot back, laughing. "Shut up, you're not allowed to tease me like that!" Roseanne said.
"You got so jealous. And why can't I tease you? We're friends. Friends tease." Lisa explained.
"Well, we have an unfair advantage of having slept with one another, we have more ammo against one another."
"Ammunition, is it?" Lisa asked. "Hmmm" Roseanne agreed with a smile.
"I'll tease you however I want." Lisa said and bit into her own croissant.
After a thoughtful pause, she said more seriously "But Roseanne, if you're ever uncomfortable with anything I say or do, please, let me know. It's all fun and games until it isn't, and I would hate to make you feel uncomfortable, or cross any boundaries."
"Yeah. no, sure. I know. Right back at you." Roseanne said seriously.
They smiled warmly at one another then and got back to sipping on their coffee.
"Well since we're talking about...ummm... I don't know, you mentioned that day that we'll talk about you... ummm, when I asked you if you're keeping people away?" Roseanne stuttered.
"Ah yes, about me not seeing anyone currently..." Lisa said. "Yeah. What did you want to tell me?" Roseanne asked.
Lisa sighed and then looked down at her hands. "I'm not looking for something right now, if that's what you want to know." Lisa said.
"Okay... that's all? That's what you wanted to tell me?"
"I haven't been able to see anyone 'seriously' ever since..." Lisa added. "Ever since Jennie passed away...?" Roseanne asked.
"Yeah that and..." Lisa left it that way
"Ever since you left me?" Roseanne asked. Lisa nodded.
"Okay... that's nothing to be ashamed of Lisa, why do you look so sullen? We ended things in a weird place, we hadn't defined anything, we couldn't. We weren't anything then..." Roseanne tried to organize her thoughts out-loud.
"I hooked up with someone, a couple of times, while I was in DC." Lisa blurted out and when she looked up, she saw how Roseanne flinched at her words and immediately looked out the window, she looked tense.
"Rosie, I'm sorry" Lisa reached out to touch Roseanne, but Roseanne folded her arms across her chest, keeping herself out of reach, going cold so quickly.
"Why are you apologizing?" Roseanne asked, her tone suddenly unrecognizable. "I feel... I feel like I should" Lisa said.
"We never defined what we were doing... You could do whatever you liked" Roseanne said. "I know... but I don't want to hurt you..." Lisa said
"Well it's a little too late for that, don't you think?" Roseanne said as she shifted out of her seat, grabbed her wallet, left a couple of bills on the table.
"Roseanne, wait" Lisa said, panicking as she watched Roseanne "I'll talk to you later Lis, I can't right now."
"Don't leave, let me explain!" Lisa said, a couple of other patrons in the cafe were looking at them, but Roseanne walked out and left.
Lisa exhaled heavily. She stared at the bills, through watery eyes.
It was 11pm, Lisa had just gotten out of a bath, and was lounging on her couch in her PJs, sipping on wine and reading a book. She couldn't bring herself to concentrate though.
She had texted Roseanne around 7 pm saying "One minute you said I don't need to apologize for hooking up with someone, the next you walked out on me and left money. Can we please talk?"
There had been no reply. But the read receipts showed blue. It angered her now; Roseanne had no right to treat her that way. And she gets it, it hurts, hell just the idea of some other woman flirting with Roseanne angers her, so she knew what Roseanne felt in that moment, hearing that Lisa had hooked up with someone over the last 3 years.
Lisa closed her eyes. She hated to think how Roseanne would react when she told her who it was. She sighed. All of this was so confusing. They were supposed to be friends. But trying to stay on that side of the line was getting tougher because of their history. They knew so much about one another, they were intimately wound up in one another's lives, whether they liked it or not.
They had felt things for one another once upon a time. It would be hard to believe that either of them was completely over it, given the way they felt about the other having other affairs.
Lisa was brought out of her reverie when she heard a knock on her door. 11.15 pm.
She went over and looked through the peephole and immediately pulled the door open.
"I'm sorry. It was disrespectful of me, and horrible of me, to have left you like that, I didn't mean to get so carried away, I just... I couldn't think at that moment. I was angry and upset, and I couldn't look at you without feeling all of that so intensely. But that doesn't validate how I acted. You didn't deserve to be treated like that, and I'm sorry" Roseanne said.
Lisa gulped.
"If I'm being honest, friends or not, I'm just as protective about you as you are about me, and to think of someone else with you, after what we had... after you told me you were in love me... that hit me real bad... But we're friends now, and I'll get over it. I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me about it. I will try and hear you out and listen to you, objectively, if you still want to tell me, that is." Roseanne said.
Lisa moved aside, allowing Roseanne the space to enter in, and then she closed the door behind her. Roseanne made her way to the hotel room couch and Lisa took some time in the kitchen before coming back out with 2 glasses of wine. She handed one over to Roseanne and said, "Here, keeping sipping".
Roseanne took it. Lisa kept her glass down on the table, then went over to her bedroom, it seemed like to Roseanne, and when she came back out, she handed over the bills of cash Roseanne had left on the cafe table earlier.
"I didn't need your money." Lisa said.
"I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to pay" Roseanne said as she quickly put the bills in her wallet and pocketed it.
"We agreed I would be paying the next time." Lisa said.
"You said you would be, I never agreed." Roseanne tried to say with a small smile.
"Regardless, it would have meant more if you were actually there to pay for it." Lisa said, and Roseanne felt bad about how she'd reacted.
"Touché" she said "I'm sorry"
Lisa took a moment and then spoke.
"I was very in love with you when I left." Lisa said. "When I got to DC, I busied myself with searching for a place, settling into a job, getting to know the city, all of that. It wasn't until later in the year that I started letting loose a bit. I'd hang out with my colleagues and meet their friends and hang with them.
Soon enough we would go out clubbing on alternate weekends. One night the next year, I accepted the fact that I was growing lonely. I had lost touch with most of you here, I couldn't talk to anyone without wanting to know how you were doing. I uhh... I took someone home with me one night...I was drunk, looking for some fun in my already-sad life..." Roseanne took a sip of her wine.
"I met them again a few months later and we decided it was a no strings attached thing..." "How... How often...?" Roseanne asked.
"I slept with him, maybe 4 times? In the whole time that I was away." Lisa said. "Him?" Roseanne asked between sips again.
"Yes" Lisa said. "Okay"
"Okay?" Lisa said.
"I mean, I don't know what to say." Roseanne said, expressionless.
"It meant nothing to me Roseanne, really" Lisa felt she needed to add.
Roseanne nodded. She then said, "I'm sorry, I know I'm blurring the lines just by making us have this conversation."
"The lines were already blurred Rosie when we decided we wanted to be friends. It's not your fault. We can't help what we feel." Lisa explained, reaching over to place her hand on Roseanne's.
"Where did you go, when you left the cafe?" Lisa asked. "I went home." Roseanne said.
Lisa nodded.
"When are you coming home, Lis?" Roseanne said after a while.
Lisa looked at her for a second, trying to understand if she meant to visit, or to move back in. "I haven't found a place I like yet Roseanne, so I am considering your offer."
Roseanne smiled; she looked hopeful.
"But there's a lot I need to think about before I come back..." Roseanne suddenly looked closed off.
"Like what?" Roseanne said.
"Roseanne...you know what." Lisa said, looking down at her glass in her hands.
"I'm not going to sneak into your bed at night and force you to have sex with me, if that's what you're worried about!" Roseanne said off-handedly, but with bitterness.
"ROSEANNE!" Lisa sounded angry.
"That's what's keeping you away, isn't it?" Roseanne asked.
"NO! I trust you." Lisa said.
"Then what is it?" Roseanne asked, frustrated.
"It's me I don't trust, Roseanne" Lisa finally said, getting up off the couch and pacing. Roseanne was still.
"I'm the one who fell in love. I'm the one who let my feelings get mixed up in all of this." Lisa said.
"You can't believe that it was just your feelings mixed up in this." Roseanne argued.
"No. I know your feelings got mixed up in it too. But you'd just lost your wife." Lisa explained.
"And you'd just lost your best friend!" Roseanne argued.
"That doesn't make any of what we did right!" Lisa argued back.
"No, it doesn't" Roseanne said, resignedly. And they were silent. Until Lisa came back and sat beside Roseanne. And Roseanne very carefully pulled her into a hug.
"It wasn't right, but it got me through the toughest loss I've had to deal with. And all I'm saying is, I want to have my friend back again, if and when she's okay with that. Because the loss of her, the 3 years without her, was the 2nd most dreadful loss I had to deal with. And I had no one but Livvy to stop me from drowning in that grief," said Roseanne.
And Lisa hugged her tighter, she buried her face in Roseanne's shoulder and cried because she understood. And Roseanne closed her eyes and finally let her own tears fall too.
Roseanne was home now, she'd taken a cab back, after reminding Lisa that she'd be going over to Jisoo's tomorrow, and she should come too once she's seen the houses she had scheduled for the day. Lisa said she'd definitely come over; they'd said goodnight and Roseanne had left.
She was in bed now, staring up at the ceiling and wondering to herself, if she would ever be able to stop loving Lisa the way she did right now. She had stopped beating herself up about it a couple of months ago, when she realized it was a feeling that wasn't going to go away, and she would have to come to terms with the fact that her Jennie was gone. And even though she loved Jennie with everything within her, she had found a love for Jennie too.
It would never replace the love she had for Jennie, but it was there, and it was stubborn, and persistent, and wanted to be acted upon.
It wanted to be acted upon. And that was her problem. Lisa and her, no matter what they felt for one another, they would need to find a middle ground. A space between love and friendship that was acceptable between them both. And that was going to be difficult when Roseanne had all this love in her heart and no way to show it to Lisa. She couldn't. Not when Lisa was so keen on keeping things between them cordial.
Except, Roseanne had made love to Lisa those years ago. It was never just sex for her, now that she thought about it. They'd made love. And she was sure Lisa felt that way too. Why else had Lia run away when she admitted her feelings to herself. It was dangerous territory; it was wrong then. But now. After all these years between them, did it still have to be so wrong? Roseanne sighed.
Her phone buzzed.
"I want to have some fun." Lisa's text read.
Roseanne smiled and replied "What's your idea of fun now?"
"Jisoo, Jennie, you, me, painting the town red." came Lisa's reply.
Roseanne laughed. Lisa and Jennie had always been the wild ones of their little group. They liked to go out and break a few rules, go a little wild. And it had been so long since they'd had a fun night.
"Jennie's not here anymore."
"Of course I know that silly. Doesn't mean I don't miss it." Lisa replied. "I think we can arrange something," Roseanne said.
"Now?" Lisa replied.
"No silly, you're already drunk on that wine you've been 'OD'ing on. Maybe tomorrow? I could ask Jisoo. We can go out in the night, just the 3 of us, for old time's sake."
"Sounds good to me. And I'm not drunk." replied Lisa. "Tipsy then ;)" Roseanne replied.
"Okay I'll accept tipsy. Jen would be proud of you." Lisa said. "Why so?" Roseanne asked.
"Planning a wild night for us, this has gotta be a first." Lisa replied. "I won't drink, I'll be our sober driver." Roseanne said.
"Like hell I'm going to allow that. Where's the fun in that?!" Lisa argued.
"Well someone's gotta make sure you don't take an impressionable young fella home." Roseanne said, smiling to herself.
"I prefer women. But yeah. No, you're right that would be a problem. The only person I want in my home is you."
Roseanne allowed herself to read and re-read the text, over and over. She wanted to teleport herself right now to Lisa's hotel room. Jump into that bed with her and bury herself in Lisa's embrace. Why did that feel so forbidden to do?
"Shit. Did I send that? Shit. I'm so sorry!" came Lisa's reply.
"It's okay, goodnight Lis. Sleep well." Roseanne replied.
"Goodnight, Roseanne"