She's gone.
The realization didn't hit Ash immediately after the call. It was an early morning and he had gotten up before Miles to make breakfast for him. Ash had talked with his dad for a while and then continued preparing the breakfast. That was the last blessed moment of numbness, of hoping last night had been a false alarm.
She's never coming back.
When the realization finally hit Ash, he let out a pained groan and hurled a mug and an empty plate from the kitchen counter to the floor. The plate shattered in a satisfying crash, but it wasn't enough. Ash kicked over a chair and then another. The noise woke Miles up and he rushed to the room, gaping at Ash.
The pain Ash was feeling was so tremendous it couldn't be felt. It got stuck in his throat and he doubled over, wanting to scream only to find out his voice was gone. It clamped around his chest, gripping tighter and tighter until he couldn't breathe. He grabbed a salt shaker from the table and smashed it to the floor, then proceeded to take the pepper shaker.
"Stop it, Ash, stop." Miles pleaded and took a cautious step towards Ash. He touched Ash's shoulder, before circling his arms around Ash's trembling body.
"No, don't." Ash snarled, shoving Miles' arms away. Ash flailed, shouting, when Miles embraced him again, but Miles refused to let go.
"Ash, please.." He cried out with a strained voice.
Ash could only hear the humming of his ears, when he shoved Miles away. Everything was one desperate, angry, painful haze inside Ash's head, as he pushed Miles against the door frame and fisted the collar of his shirt. He lifted his clenched fist, ready to strike, no matter who he was going to hurt.
The dread in Miles' eyes, the fear of getting hurt by none else but the love of his life, was what snapped Ash out of the haze. He could feel his eyes filling up with tears and he let go of Miles' shirt and stepped back, horrified of what he was about to do. He would never lay a hand on his loved ones, let alone on Miles.
"She's gone." Ash choked and as he couldn't hear himself, he said it again: "She's gone." Ash sank to his knees and whispered it over and over again like a mantra: "She's gone. She's gone."
She's gone. She's gone. She's gone.
Miles rushed to Ash, sitting on the kitchen floor next to him and embracing him tightly. The only indicator that he was crying as well was the mounting wet spot on Ash's shirt, near his shoulder, where Miles buried his face.
Ash wasn't just shedding silent tears, he was crying, shaking, falling apart. He was free falling and he was afraid of slipping from the real world, getting lost in that unbearable void. He gripped his arms around Miles like it was the only thing keeping him from breaking into millions of pieces.
She's never coming back.
The rest of the day was just bits and pieces in Ash's memory. He vaguely remembered getting to his dad and sitting with him in the kitchen while they took away the body. He remembered Miles making tea and coffee for the visitors, all the aunts and uncles and friends and even some of the neighbors.
Ash remembered feeling grateful for everything he did for them, yet pissed off like he just wanted to be left alone. Preferably with Avi, who also mourned in silence. He didn't want to see his friends, especially not Eli or Benjamin. It took Ash hours to realize it was because he blamed himself — and them — for losing precious time with his mother.
If Ash hadn't been so engrossed with Miles' problems with his dad or the issues Eli was dealing with, maybe he would have realized how bad Eliana had gotten. Maybe then he would have given her proper goodbyes.
But Ash didn't and never would, so he took it out on the others. He was like an angry bear with a sore foot, snapping and sulking until everyone saw it best to give him distance. Everyone except Miles.
"Would you at least drink this?" He asked, a worried frown on his face, and handed Ash a glass of water.
"Fuck off." Ash snarled and pushed the glass away. Some of its contents spilled on his shoes, which only pissed him off more. "Seriously. Go. Away."
"Fine. But it's here, if you change your mind." Miles told Ash firmly, before setting the glass on the coffee table and joining the others in the kitchen.
Ash remembered people coming and going, paying their respects, all of which blurred together in his mind. Someone brought casserole and apple pie, and Ash just wished they would all get the hell out of there. He wanted to scream until his lungs burned, he wanted to cry until there were no tears left, but he couldn't when the house was filled with guests.
Miles crouched down on the floor in front of Ash and gulped before taking Ash's hands in his. The touch actually made a difference, shifting some of the weight from Ash's chest.
If only Miles hadn't pushed him further by opening his mouth: "I know it hurts, and I'm not saying there's a wrong way to grieve, but your mom wouldn't want —"
"What do you know about what mom would want?" Ash snapped, shoving Miles' hands away. He didn't want to say what he said next, but the words just slipped from his lips: "And what do you know about my pain? It's not like you have a mother."
Miles stood up. His face was drained from color, and for a moment Ash thought he was about to cry. Instead, he glared down at Ash coldly and pursed his lips in a thin line.
"You don't get to do that to me." Miles spoke in a shaky but firm tone. "I know you're hurting, but you don't get to take it out on us."
After that Miles left Ash alone like all the others, and Ash couldn't blame anyone but himself. He threw back his head, leaning it against the backrest of the couch and covered his face with his hand. Why did he had to be such an asshole?
"Ashvaghosha." Avi's stern voice made Ash drop the hand from his face. He walked into the room and stopped in front of his son. "Get up."
"Why?" Ash muttered, but stood up all the same. He was waiting for a scolding, but got a hug instead. The scent of Avi's sweet cigarettes mixed with tea and spices was so familiar and comforting it made Ash's eyes brim with tears.
"When my sister died, years before you were born, I went through a rough patch. You know what your mother told me then?" Avi asked, still embracing Ash. "She said: Don't let pain turn you into something ugly. It is okay to mourn, as long and loud as you need to, but you don't want to push away the ones who care about you. Trust me, you'll regret it when you look back to that time."
"I'm not.." Ash protested weakly, but he didn't finish his sentence, because deep down he knew Avi was right.
"I heard how you spoke to him." Avi pointed out and parted from the hug. Eliana's illness had made him age and living without her had already worn him out. He placed a hand on Ash's shoulder, and scolded him: "That is not how you talk to your boyfriend."
"I know. I'm sorry." Ash whispered.
"I'm not the one you should apologize to." Avi shook his head slightly, giving his son a gentle pat on his shoulder. "Go talk to him. You're both hurting and it'll hurt less if you do it together."
After another long embrace, Ash went to look for Miles. He could feel his cheeks burning when he walked amongst the others and everyone gave him cautious looks. Like they were ready to bolt in case Ash was going to blow up again.
"Hey.." Ash breathed and tapped Eli's shoulder. Eli turned to face him, looking like he had no idea what he was supposed to do or say to his friend. "Have you seen Miles?"
"He's outside." Eli stuffed his hands in the pockets of his cargo pants.
"Okay, thanks." Ash mustered a smile on his lips and was already about to excuse himself before turning back to face Eli. "I mean it, thank you. For being here and everything."
"I know. And I'm sorry for your mom." Eli hugged Ash with one arm, offering him a more genuine smile, even though his eyes were sad.
"Yeah. I'll go find him now, okay?" Ash decided, parting from the hug. Once Eli nudged him on his arm, telling him to go do just that, Ash pulled on his jacket and stepped outside.
It was already late and Ash could even see a few stars in the light polluted sky. It took him a while to find Miles and he was surprised to see him smoking. He was sitting on the porch, on the floor, and leaning his back against the wall. It was too dark to see his expression, but Ash could already predict it wasn't a happy one.
"I didn't know you smoked." Ash pointed out, sliding down to sit on the floor next to Miles. Miles turned his gaze from the sky slowly, locking his eyes with Ash's. For a long while he didn't say a word, but just looked at him with an uncharacteristically solemn expression.
"I guess I do.. on some occasions." He shrugged, offering Ash the cigarette pack. It was Eli's, probably, but Ash doubted he would mind, if he took one on an occasion like that. So he did, leaning on Miles' side and smoking while staring at the sky.
~~~
Hi! I'm sorry I haven't answered any of the comments in the last chapter. The last few days have been pretty tough, so I haven't had the energy.. But I just wanted to say that I truly appreciate all your comments and reading them makes my day. 🖤