Chapter 55: He Loves Control
Jung-hae was surprised when Chris pulled her aside first thing in the morning. He never had talks with people, finding it easier to address their faults through indirect comments and emphasis on when they did it right on their own. She'd never heard of him pulling a team member aside, yet that is what he was doing today. He'd barely said good morning to the team and checked up on their daily assignments before telling her in a cold voice, "I need to speak to you in room 5."
Now alone with him in the small meeting room, sitting around a small circular table, she was growing anxious. Chris had his hands crossed on his lap, staring down at the linked fingers thoughtfully. His loud hum broke through the silence.
"You're a great employee, Jung-hae."
It was a statement. No room for argument or confusion. Jung-hae felt bashful and smiled almost shyly.
"Thank you."
"I wanted to make that clear before I said anything else."
And the dread returned. Was he firing her? The company did not have enough funds and she was the unlucky one being cut? As if sensing her distress, Chris finally met her eyes, allowing the woman across from him to see how conflicted he was.
"I've been your team lead for nearly a year. Most of that time I was worried sick that I would mess up. But my problem wasn't doing my job poorly. It was letting you do my job for me."
Chris leaned forward, elbows against the table as he placed his chin on his linked hands.
"Jung-hae, I don't mean this in a rude way, but I don't need your help. You do not need to lead discussions or check up on your peers for me. What I need you to do is continue to be the hard worker that I see every day. When it is time for you to lead the discussions and check up on employees, I will be the first one to recommend you for the job."
Jung-hae would be lying if she said that she wasn't slightly embarrassed. Her acts of pro-activity have been making her boss uncomfortable for months. To the point that he felt in necessary to pull her aside. She wrung her hands together, finding it hard to look Chris in the eye.
"Chris, I swear I didn't mean to offend you."
The large "pshh" sound from Chris's mouth cut through the tension as he waved his hand flippantly in the air.
"As I said, Jung-hae, I have the utmost respect for you. Which is why I wanted to tell you properly instead of leaving you to figure it out."
Jung-hae stood up first, reaching out to shake Chris's hand. Albeit a bit formal, Chris understood the thought behind the gesture and shook her hand in earnest. As Jung-hae left the room, Chris thought about how easy that was. He had been dreading that conversation for months. In his mind, he always expected that Jung-hae found him irresponsible or underqualified. Why else would she impose on his job? But she sincerely seemed shocked that Chris saw it as over-stepping. Could she have figured out the lines she was crossing on her own? Maybe. But the idea that was sincerely trying to 'upstage him' turned out to be completely false. And everything was handled once Chris took control.
The fight with Ethan the previous night had rattled him. He was left feeling anxious, a little angry, and severely out of control. It didn't formulate in his mind until he was saying the words how he felt. He'd always felt out of control. In his work life, in his family, and in his relationship. Somehow, Ethan was the only one who got the heat for it. But it wasn't just him.
Chris spent his entire life being told how to live and remained quiet instead of fighting for it. Now, he'd fought. He gained his control back. He told Jung-hae how he felt and just like that, he saw hope for creating the office life that he wanted. It was freeing. He felt relieved.
And in that relief, was confusion.
If Chris felt so relieved doing so with Jung-hae, why did he feel so heavy when confronting Ethan about the same thing? Where was the triumph, the relief, the elation?
In contrast, Chris left that conversation feeling drained, worrying if Ethan made it home okay and wanting to go after him. To do what? He wasn't sure. But wasn't he the one who wanted space? Wasn't he the one afraid of the total integration that living together would bring? Wasn't he trying to regain control?
Glancing at his watch, Chris realized too much time had passed since Jung-hae left and he was due to return to work. With a groan, he stood from the plastic seat, unsticking his bum from the chair, and went back to his desk. The energy was bubbly around his team and he noticed many eyes glide over to his form at the end of the room. They were likely gossiping about his conversation with Jung-hae, fussing over the details or suspecting what might have been said. Chris imagined clarifying the issue but thought it better for Jung-hae to deal with it. That was the typical work dynamic, right? The boss gets hate from the co-workers who express all their complaints to each other about them. Chris would disrupt the balance if he took away an opportunity for them to talk and inadvertently bond.
Hands lifting above the keyboard keys, he tried to focus on work. Emphasis on the word "tried." The working function of his fingers evaded him and instead, Chris found himself typing one word repeatedly.
Ethan. Ethan. Ethan.
This was getting ridiculous. He knew how bad it would look but Chris took another break. He closed his computer to ensure that no one saw his embarrassing notes and headed to the bathroom. A break in front of the sink, splashing water on himself, was sure to do the trick. It worked every single time.
But staring at his damp face in the mirror only made him think of Ethan's face last night, growing red with anger and frustration. Chris was right. Ethan was trying to control him and Chris needed his own freedom sometimes.
Yet, his mind kept circling back to that fight, trying to tell him something. Chris wanted control over his life, he wanted to do what felt right. But when Ethan came along, Chris began pushing back. He was exercising his freedom around the one man who would listen. The one man who wouldn't run away the moment Chris disappointed him. But Chris pushed too hard. He spent so long pushing that he never stopped to think about what he was pushing against.
A life of holding hands down the street, inviting Ethan over for family dinners, and joint holidays. A life of seeing his swollen eyes in the morning when they woke up and tasting minty breath as they kissed goodnight. A life of teaching Ethan how to drive so he could use their joint car and finding out more of the little ways Ethan financially supported Clark because Chris would start supporting him too.
A life of warmth and love. That's what he would have with Ethan because he loved him and wanted the same things that Ethan wanted.
Chris contemplated banging his skull against the corner of the sink for his stupidity, but that would likely make him stupider.
It was never about control, but fear. Maybe Ethan was insecure and maybe he could have trusted Chris more. But he also saw in Chris something he never wanted to acknowledge himself. Chris was and is terrified to embrace everything that he wants. In the back of his head, he still saw his parents wincing at the gay couple walking down the street, grabbing his hand to pull him away from it. All of those indirect comments about manliness and his future wife stuck with him. It's been months since he spoke to them but the fear that his parent's instilled never fully went away.
And Chris used that fear to keep him away from exactly who he wanted.
Work was hell. It was horrible because only an hour had passed and Chris was ready to leave and beg Ethan for his forgiveness. For whatever crazy reason, Chris was lucky enough to have Ethan offering him everything that he ever wanted. All Chris had to do was say yes.
After he got through an entire shift.
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One would have thought with Clark moving out in a few weeks, he would be trying to spend more time with Ethan. But it was young love and he found it more productive to spend most nights in Santiago's cramped dorm. Once again, Ethan found himself alone in his condo. Last week, he probably would have run over to Chris's house or invited the black man over. Now, he wondered if he'd grown too dependent on him.
Ethan was mid-sip when a knock rang through his home. He had to put down his lukewarm tea to go address whoever decided to bother him late at night.
Ethan was both surprised and not surprised at all to find Chris on the other side of the door. He leaned against the door frame, a single rose in his left hand. The man looked apologetic, possibly even bashful. Ethan squared his shoulders.
"Hey, can I come in?" Chris asked shyly, a wry smile lifting his large features. Ethan knew that Chris came to gain his forgiveness and tried to prep himself for the fight, collecting all the things that ever annoyed him about Chris and holding them in the forefront of his mind. As a result, even though Chris had only said a couple of words, Ethan already felt irritated and had to stop himself from rolling his eyes while he let the taller man through.
With the okay from Ethan, Chris moved comfortably into the space. He left his shoes in the right place, hung up his coat on the rack with one of the good hangers, and began going for the left side of the couch. It almost hurt Ethan how comfortable they were around one another. Seeing Chris in his space made further commitment seem inevitable, a natural progression. But if he was right, why does Chris fight against it so hard?
Ethan sat as far away from Chris on the couch as possible, grabbing his mug and cradling it against his body like a protective shield. If Chris noticed this, he did not comment on it. Silently, he handed Ethan the rose.
"I'm an idiot."
"I don't think idiots are smart enough to butter people up with roses when apologizing," Ethan commented, cutting through Chris's speech as sharp as the thorns on the blood-red rose in his hand. Chris almost laughed but the energy is off. He held it in.
"You were right. I was scared. I've denied it for years but the truth is I was hesitating to tell people about you."
The admittance, the first of its kind Ethan had ever heard from Chris, surprises him and he finally looks up from the little red flower. Chris really did look sorry and honest sitting in front of him now.
"It wasn't because I was ashamed of you because you are an amazing partner, Ethan," Chris rushed to clarify. He took the chance to place a hand on Ethan's knee and smiled when the other man didn't push it away. "It's because I was ashamed of myself. I guess I still kept some of that old childish mindset where I had to hide this part of me. Coming out always felt like this scary thing. A necessary evil that would make me lose everything. I forgot that I would also gain so much more. You."
"I love what we have and I want to make this more concrete for the both of us. I want to find out how you brush your teeth before bed and get used to your breakfast patterns. I swear to you, Ethan, if you take this leap with me, you won't regret it."
Chris waits for it. The hugs, the kisses, the rush to figure out their moving-in plans. But it never comes. Instead, Ethan sits there, looking between Chris and that little flower. He twists it between his fingers silently before hissing when his thumb gets caught against a thorn. Chris reaches out to check his thumb but Ethan raises the hand, stopping him.
"I'm quitting my job."
"What?"
Chris is trying to process Ethan's announcement but Ethan seems to not care about the confusion, continuing through his thought process.
"I'm quitting to start my own business," He states simply.
"That's-that's fantastic. I'm so proud of you," The words are said earnestly but Chris was slightly confused. Ethan didn't bring this up as an announcement but more like a fact as if saying the sky is blue. Chris frowned. "But, what does that have to do with this?"
"I worked with the same company from the moment I stepped out of college until now. I gave my heart and soul to that company, thinking that I could work with them forever," he told Chris even as he stared down at his hands. "I just realized that I didn't actually want to be there. I didn't want the promotions or the responsibilities or the praise. I wanted the work of finding the solutions to problems with my own intelligence and I didn't want to have to wait on someone's beck and call to tell me what to do and when."
"So then why-"
"Who's to say that you aren't experiencing the same thing?" Ethan interjected loudly, his voice raising as he rushed to get the words out. He met Chris's eyes, the fear in his own palpable. "With me?"
Chris now looked sad. He put a hand on each of Ethan's legs, rubbing the muscle around his knees comfortingly. Ethan bit his lip as he watched Chris work. Chris didn't say a word but the message is clear. You're wrong. I want you. I love you. Ethan frowned, moving his legs sharply so Chris's hand fell off.
"No, no, I'm serious, Chris. I've been pining after you for, what, 8 years, convinced that you were the best thing that's ever happened to me. You were and are great, but I can be happy on my own. You don't need to stay with me because you're scared that I need you."
This was beginning to sound like a breakup, but Chris was not having any of it. He grabbed Ethan's hand and the rose, unflinching when the petals flicked him as he kissed the back of Ethan's hand.
"There was never a single moment where I considered being with you to be a burden," Chris affirmed firmly, his tone suggesting how crazy he found the idea to be. "I love you. I loved you back in high school and I love you now. That's why I stay and why I want to stay now."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Then why don't I believe you?"
Chris groaned the sound reverberating through the small space and echoing in Ethan's ears. He did sound sad like he really does care. His eyes were pleading when they look at Ethan, begging him to believe the words he says. Chris freed Ethan's hands, putting the items down on the table so he can hold Ethan's hands between his own. He gave them a tight squeeze.
"Ethan, please don't run away," He pleaded, eyes growing suspiciously shiny. "Please don't do this to me again."
"I'm not running away. I'm . . . setting you free."
"But I am free," Chris asserted, his voice growing louder as his frustration mounts. "With you!"
"I don't want this to be me forcing you into something you don't want, Chris!" Ethan exclaimed. He pulled away from Chris now, standing up from the couch to pace. "I want a boyfriend who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him."
"I do."
Ethan stopped behind the couch, placing both hands against it as he sighs. Chris placed one of his hands over Ethan, and Ethan's face crumpled.
"We're getting nowhere."
"Then say you believe me," Chris whispered. He got on his knees on the couch cushion, his face now level with Ethan's. "Say you'll continue to let me love you."
"I want to," Ethan finally admits, eyes searching Chris's face then falling down to his lips. "I want to go back to how things were."
Chris moved in to seal the kiss. His mouth was a hair's width away from Ethan's, his breath brushing against his lips. Then, as if remembering himself, Ethan pulled back.
"It's just hard for me to trust that things will be different. Or believe that you will be in this. For real this time."
"Tell me what to do. Whatever it is, name it."
Ethan seemed to really contemplate Chris's offer. He stared at the man before him, a face he's come to memorize. All those nights where he traced those lips with his fingers and fallen more and more in love with those soulful eyes. How can he let this man love him?
"One month," Is his quick response. "We take a month-long break. If after that month you decide that you still want this, then I'm all in."
Chris's brows drew together, searching Ethan's face for the answer to his question.
"Is this break for me, or for you?"
Ethan immediately understood where Chris's concerns came from considering that he harbored similar fears for months.
"I never doubted what I felt for you, ever," Ethan stated, his voice showing nothing but conviction. "I just want you to make the right decision for you."
Chris still seemed to be searching. Maybe he was trying to find another resolution. Some other way to ease Ethan's mind without possibly creating the start of the end for them. There's no guarantee that Ethan wouldn't try to get a full taste of his single status while Chris pined over him, counting down the days. What else could he do to have Ethan trust him fully and step into a life together?
But Ethan's mind was set, his determination resolute. All Chris could do was sigh.
"Fine, you can have your break," Chris grumbled, a pout beginning to form on his lips. "But when it's over, I'll be right here waiting for you because I have never doubted us either. Not for one second."
"We'll see."
Ethan's comment somehow made Chris more upset and he's frowning as he gets off the couch. He headed for the front door, Ethan trailing behind him slowly. In a matter of seconds, his coat and shoes were back on and his hand was ready at the door.
Then, with an angry grunt, Chris turned around, grabbing Ethan's face, and pulling him into a deep kiss. Ethan was floored, having to grab Chris's coat for dear life as he ravaged his mouth. After a minute, the kiss was over and Chris stares at him intensely before opening the door and storming off.
Ethan got the message loud and clear.
I'm not going anywhere.
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After weeks of writing chapters at the last minute, I wrote this one last Saturday. Something about this chapter got me excited and the words just flowed.
Can I just say, love me an angry kiss. I got to write more of those.
What did you guys think of Ethan's solution?
Guesses for how this will all turn out?
Only a few chapters left so hold on to your horses!
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