Chapter Song - Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
"Mary," my voice comes out as a whisper, my eyes focused on the pregnancy test below.
"Congratulations?" she says and I let out a dull laugh.
I'm pregnant. Full blown bun in the oven and I'm trying to pretend it's not real, but the positive tests in front of me and my urge to vomit again says otherwise.
Kneeling down, I hurl into the toilet again, as the reality of being pregnant hits me. I can't believe it, but it's real, I'm pregnant and at the worst possible timing.
Like honestly? What the fuck?
"Mary," I choke out, reaching out for the glass of water on the bench. She hands it to me quickly and I rinse my mouth out, before taking a much needed glass of water.
"Daph'," she sighs, kneeling down and rubbing my back softly. "This is the result of unprotected sex," she jokes and I send her a playful glare.
"Not helpful," I say and she snorts.
"I know, but I'm still trying to comprehend you're pregnant. Like, now? Out of all time and places, the sperm reached you're egg at this point in time?" she sighs dramatically and I scrunch my nose at the picture she painted.
"Don't talk about Danny's sperm, please," I tell her and she smile sheepishly.
"Sorry," she apologises. "How about we get some takeaway? Burger? Chicken? Your choice, since you're eating for two now," she glances down at my stomach and it hits me again like a brick to the face.
My stomach grumbles at the thought of food. "A burger and fries sounds fucking amazing right now," I say and she nods, standing up and heading to place an online order.
"I'm pregnant," I mutter to myself, standing up and looking at my ragged appearance in the mirror. Geez, I look wrecked.
Placing a hand on my lower stomach, I suck in a breath at the fact there's a living alive fetus inside me.
I have to talk to Danny now, I can't not tell him. That would be unfair and even if I don't feel ready to face him, I need to. Not just for me, but Hallie and Bridie. I can only imagine how confused and lost they are.
I've just disappeared and I'm not sure what Danny's told them, but the confusion and hurt must be so overwhelming for them both. All I want to do is drive over and hug them to my chest, protect them with everything in me.
It's a wonder how Danny and I will end up? But what about Hallie and Bridie, so young, but so aware of everything. For me to just leave without a trace or explanation, how cruel.
I couldn't do that to them, not with all the love in my heart that aches at the thought of them in pain. Everything in me is pulling to go over and comfort their hurt, the pain they must be feeling, mixed with the confusion.
But if I leave them, do I keep this baby? If I do, Danny will want to be apart of it's life and I'm not sure I want them growing in such confusion.
Abortion is an option, thankfully still legal in the state of New York. I'm nowhere near against getting one, but it doesn't feel right for me personally.
Even if I talk to Danny, it's my choice in the end. Always my choice, since I'd be carrying the damn baby for 9 months and dealing with the aftermath of pregnancy.
Oh god and pregnancy? So beautiful, but also a little frightening. I'd have so much support along the way, but so much can still go wrong.
Fuck, I need to stop overthinking all this. I need to eat, relax and give my body time to rest and recover from today's madness. All this thinking won't solve anything, all I can do is rest and let my mind and body recover as much as they can for tonight.
Walking back out into the living area, I take a seat on the couch and plant myself in front of the TV. The news currently plays and I scower for the remote, because even if I usually love the news, it reminds me of Danny.
We always read the newspaper together or sit and watch the news. It was always a quiet moment for us, since the girls have no interest in the news. They rather despise it really.
Finding a random movie, I snuggle into the blankets and watch the film with a numb mind, nothing in me interested in fully watching it.
A warm presence sits down next to me, Mary's arms circling around me like a glowing gold string of love and protection. I let go of my held breath and my entire body falls into a limp relaxation, making a few tears fall.
"I'm scared," I whisper.
Her hold on me tightens. "You don't have to be, because i'll protect you from the monsters," she tells me and I let out a shaky breath.
"Is the food here yet?" I ask and she laughs lightly.
"Yeah, I'll go get it," she tells me, and she heads to the front door just as a knock echos through her snug apartment.
A few distant mutters of conversation is heard, before delicious food is planted on the table in front of me. I sit up and practically rip open the McDonalds bag like a starved raccoon, unveiling fries, burgers and nuggets.
"We having visitors?" I joke, seeing all the food.
Mary smiles. "You haven't eaten all day and now you're eating for two," she says. "I figured you be just a little hungry," she giggles and I join her.
"You'd be correct," I say, stuffing a bunch of fries in my mouth. "Mmm, this is needed," I hum in delight, the food hitting the right place in my grumbling stomach.
It's nice to just relax and eat some comfort food, nothing like a warm hug from a much needed feast. A savoury day ending on a sweet treat.
***
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Mary asks for the 500th time this morning.
I sigh, looking up the familiar brownstone, feeling the same nerves I felt when I first started this job here. "No, I need to do this on my own," I send her a gentle smile and she nods.
"Okay, call me when you can," she says firmly, hugging me tightly and I hug her back.
"I will," I say, before she hops back in her car and I begin my journey up the front steps.
It's only been a few days since everything blew up, but I didn't want to push everything under the rug and continue tripping on it. So, to save myself unlimited anxiety, I'm facing it all sooner rather than later.
Reaching the large intimidating door, I lodge my key in the lock and turn, pushing open the oak wood front door.
On instant I hear little footsteps echo down the hall and I can't contain my smile at the sound. I let out a sad laugh, my smile widening when Hallie and Bridie enter the foyer. They stop for a moment, registering who I am before their faces light up like fireworks.
"Mummy!" they scream and I drop to my knees, their bodies crashing into me. I pull them into my chest tightly, as their small hands grip my coat like their lives depend on it.
Pulling back I wipe hair out of their eyes, taking in their beautiful faces. "Hey girls," I say and they jump back into me. "Oh, I missed you too, my loves," I press a million kisses on their faces and heads.
They squeal at my kisses and I laugh at the wholesome sound. "Where were you? We missed you mummy!" Hallie asks.
"Oh, I-" I stumble, not knowing what to do or say. "I went to Mary's, you remember her?" I ask and they both nod. "I just needed to take some time, since your dad and I had an argument," I tell them, not giving them to much of the real situation.
"Oh," they say at the same time. "Are you staying for good now?" Hallie asks with a hopeful gleam in her eye.
I sigh, not knowing how to respond, but I don't get the chance to. My eyes find Danny's boots first, my eyes slowly crawling up his dark jeans, black skin tight t-shirt clad body, before finally meeting his sorrowful eyes.
My heart twists, my stomach churning and I hope my need to vomit stays to a minimum. I really can't handle more vomiting, but thats the beauty of pregnancy.
Fuck, thats still weird to say.
It's silent, dead pin drop silent. Only my erratic heart, thumping harshly in my ears is all I can hear and the butterflies I still feel from seeing him again flutter like maniacs.
I still love him, but do I want to forgive and move on? Or break my heart and heal?
"Danny," I almost whisper and I wasn't sure he heard, but the sharp breath he takes in tells me he heard every syllable.
"Girls, could you give mummy and I some privacy?" he looks down at the girls, asking them softly.
They huff, their grip on me still tight. "Okay, but be quick. I miss her," Bridie tells her dad, a frown directed towards him and I bite back a smile at how adorable she is.
"I'll be right back," I tell them and they nod, enveloping hands and walking back down the hallway.
Standing back up, I push my shoulders back and try to conceal my urge to vomit. Honestly, I'm already tired of this vomiting stage and it's barely begun.
"I thought you'd be away longer after what I said," Danny breaks the fragile silence, eyes tired and drowning in regret. He looks drained, but still so handsome, even with his messy hair and drowsy appearance.
I swallow deeply. "I'm pregnant," I blurt out and my eyes widen a tad at how I let it seep out so fast. Thats one way to tell him.
Danny stares at me, processing my words. "What?" he asks with no emotion, just confusion.
"I'm pregnant," I repeat.
Danny nods slowly, before taking a seat on the bench. "When did you find out?" he asks.
"The other day, i've been sick," I tell him bluntly.
"Do you feel any better?" he asks with true concern.
I stare at him blankly, a hint of anger in my eye. "You care about my feelings now, do you?" I question rhetorically.
He sucks in another sharp breath. "I'm not going to ask for your forgiveness, because I don't deserve it after what I said. I don't deserve you after what I said, but I will do everything in my power to chase after you," he tells me, his eyes pleading but firm like his words.
My heart skips a beat, but I remain composed. "Mm," I hum. "I need to know what we're going to do about this baby," I ask him, brushing past his other words.
"What do you want? It's your choice and I'll support you either way," he tells me and I relax a little at his answer. I'm overly enraged at him, but if he isn't making a part of me relax just at his presence.
"I want to keep it," I tell him firmly, knowing it's what feels right in my gut. I always trust my gut and intuition, since they never lie and they'll never let you down. Since they align with your heart and she always wants whats best for you.
He nods. "And I'll be here, even if you hate me. Which is what I expect. But I'm going to be here every step of the way," he tells me, now standing and my body craves to melt into his warm embrace.
Let him melt away all the fears and anxieties, even if he's the root cause of the angry ones. "I don't forgive you and for what you said about Nick...I-," I stumble. "How could you?" my voice breaks as I speak.
I see his eyes shatter at my words. "None of that was true, you have to know-" he begins, but I hold my hand up, shushing him.
"I'm tired and not in the mood for this right now. We can continue your excuses later, but I want to see my girls," I tell him, walking past and brushing his shoulder. "Unless you'd like to mention they aren't mine?" I glance back, but don't stay for his reaction.
I hear his footsteps behind me, his fingers brushing mine as he grabs my bag. "Let me take this," he says and he takes my rashly packed overnight bag.
"Put it in my room," I tell him.
He blinks slowly, but nods. "What about your other things?"
"I'll deal with them later," I say, before entering the lounge and seeing Bridie and Hallie on the couch in front of a Bluey episode.
Shrugging off my coat, I take a seat on the couch and girls instantly crawl on me like bugs. "How have you two been?" I ask them, their faces smushed against my chest.
"Sad, because you weren't here and because daddy was sad," Hallie replies.
I caress Hallie's cheek. "I'm sorry I wasn't here, but I needed to go," I say. "But I need to tell you girls, it'll be a little different between daddy and I for a while," I tell them and they frown.
"Why?" Bridie whines.
"It's difficult to explain, but daddy said some not nice things to me and we need to figure our relationship out with each other," I tell them in the simplest way possible.
They're silent for a moment, before Hallie pipes up. "Will you stay here still?" she asks.
"Yes, of course," I tell her and they both relax.
"Well thats good," she mutters and I laugh lightly. "Did daddy hurt your feelings?" she asks and I just nod.
"How badly?" Bridie questions.
"On a scale of 1-10," Hallie says.
"An 11," I tell them and they gasp.
Bridie's frown deepens and she marches up Danny who's just entered the living room. "Daddy!" she yells and I turn around.
"Bridie- woah!" he steps back when she pushes at his legs. He's quick to pick her up and she pushes his face away. "Hey, no. We don't hit," he tells her firmly, but still softly.
"You hurt mummy!" she yells and he freezes, his eyes whirling into that grey regret they're drowning in.
"I know," he almost whispers. "I know, Bridie," he repeats.
"Why did you hurt her?" she practically whines.
He sighs, glancing over at me. "There isn't a reason why, I was just stupid," he tells her. "I overreacted," he continues.
I suck in a sharp breath. "It's bath time girls," I smile, lightening the silence and I'm shocked when they squeal instead of groan.
They sprint down the hallway, and I hear their footsteps echo against the stairs. "I'll get started on dinner," Danny tells me. "Anything particular?" he questions.
"No," I say, before making my way to the bathroom.
The bath time with the girls relieves some of the stress and overwhelming sorrow thats hung on my shoulders the past days. Their jokes and giggles warming my heart and making me feel just a little better.
"Are you going to forgive daddy?" Hallie asks me as I wrap her frog towel around her.
I hesitate, not knowing the answer to her question. "Time will tell," I say and she nods, satisfied with my answer.
"Put your PJ's on and you can help daddy downstairs," I tell her and she nods enthusiastically.
"Come on, Bridie. Lets get you dressed," I tell Bridie, shuffling her back through the bathroom and into her room.
"Leg and other leg, good girl," I say, helping her dress in her zebra PJ's. "Arm hole and other arm hole, there you go, all dressed," I straighten her shirt.
"Thanks mummy," she smiles and I kiss her forehead.
"Lets go have dinner," I say and she makes grabby hands for me to lift her up. "Have you grown in the last few days? You're getting strong," I squeeze her bicep and she giggles.
Getting downstairs, the rich smell of pasta makes my stomach grumble and Bridie hums in delight at the smell completely staining the lower floor.
"We're ready for dinner," Hallie announces to us once we enter the kitchen.
Placing Bridie down, I round the counter and try to ignore Danny's stare. His regret is thick and I feel it crawl up my neck, but no guilt seeps inside of me, just the hollowness he left afterwards.
I'm dull and tired from his words, a little angry, but that really sizzled out. When you've spent your entire life having people look down at you, treat you differently just because of your wealth, it digs a six foot whole inside you and rots until it stains.
Then when words you finally healed from and told yourself were just plain mean, it teases the weak wound when the person you love turns around and slashes deep. It doesn't hurt, it stings, because your wounds were displayed for them and they sprinkled them with salt.
What I really want to know is if i'm brave enough to trust him again? Even though the regret hazes my eyes from it's smoke, a part of my mind wonders if he'll always see me how he said?
And if we never have what we had again, will I ever find it again? Or will they all be the same?
"That enough?" I question Hallie, as I pile in another scoop of pasta.
She nods and I hand her bowl and fork, both girls heading into the living room. I distract myself by watching the T.V in the living room, Danny's stare piercing my cheek.
"If you want to say something, then just speak," I spit out. "You didn't have a problem with that a few days ago," I shove his regret like a pie to the face.
Maybe it's immature to not take the high ground, or perhaps I'm reacting how I should. Even if I display blunt anger, on the inside all I want is to forgive him, but I can't give in so easily. He doesn't deserve easy forgiveness and I'm not sure he wants it.
He sighs deeply and it makes my heart ache. I still love him, that won't go away for a long while - maybe ever - so hearing him with such sadness is equally painful. Even if the sadness is from the burden of his own guilt and I was the slashed bag resulting from it.
"Daphne," he says and my stomach flips in the best way. "Please look at me," he pleads.
I hesitate for a second, but meet his sombre eyes. "Yes?" I question.
"What will it take for you to forgive me? What do I do?" he asks, taking a step forward, but I root myself in place.
My eyes well up with tears, and I know the pregnancy hormones are smirking as they send everything into overdrive.
I sniff when a tear falls. Oh fuck. "I- I don't trust you, like I use too," I choke out, my voice weak as I speak. "You broke it, you broke me. A-and I don't know how you're going to get it back, but please try," I choke out.
He stares at me in silence, eyes pleading to hold me or touch me in anyway. But I can't let him, because I don't know if I'll be able to shield my forgiveness.
"B-because I still l-love you, but I don't know if you feel the same anymore," my voice breaks and I look down to the ground, because I can't bare looking at him.
"Of course I still love you, thats eternal," his voice is soft and fragile. "Living without you would be my death, I couldn't bare waking up each day without you and I'll do everything in my power to earn your trust back," he tells me, his voice soft, but words firm and straight.
"I can't take back what I said, but I didn't mean one word. None of it was true, I was angry and I should've listened to you. I should've calmed down and collected my thoughts, but I let everything overwhelm and control me," he admits and I meet his gaze again.
I nod. "Just, give it time," I tell him and he dims, but nods.
"Mummy?" Bridie's small voice cuts through the tension and I spin to meet her.
"Yes, my love?" I question, taking the empty spaghetti bowl from her hands.
"Ice cream now?" she asks and I smile gently.
"Is Hallie finished yet?" I question and she looks at the ground.
She's silent for just a split second. "No," she answers quietly.
"Then you'll have to wait until she's done," I say and she pouts. "It won't be long, just keep watching your movie and it'll pass by quickly," I tell her and she nods, leaving the kitchen.
"You should eat," Danny tells me, handing me a bowl. "Take it, I'll handle everything in here," he says and I take the warm bowl from his hands.
"Thank you," I say, before leaving for the lounge room.
Taking a seat between Hallie and Bridie, I focus on the Princess and the Frog movie playing in front of me, taking a bite of much needed pasta.
I relax into the couch, my body sensing the new aches in my back and neck. "Ah," I wince at the sting in my shoulders, stiff and tender.
"Are you okay?" Hallie asks.
I nod. "Yeah, just a little sore," I reassure her and she nods, turning back to the movie.
"Where?" Danny's voice spikes the goosebumps on my body.
I peer up behind me. "Uh, just my shoulders. It's nothing," I brush him off, but he ignores that and kneels behind the couch.
I gasp when his warm hands meet my shoulders, though sigh when his fingers kneed the sore muscle. I roll my neck to the side, reeling on the pain that ceases as his fingers work the tender skin and sore muscle.
"Can I have ice cream now?" Bridie asks. "Hallie's finished," she grumbles.
I laugh lightly and go to get up, but I'm stopped as Danny gently pushes me back down. "Stay, I'll get it," he tells me and I just nod.
If he thinks doing everything for me will duck tape the crumbled wall back together, he is thinking very wrong. It may aid in healing a small sector, but trust is such a fickle emotion, it must be earned.
Which varies from person to person, though the more times it's shattered at others hands, the more fragile it becomes and futher hidden it remains.
After the girls finish the movie and enjoy their ice cream, Danny takes both of them up to bed. I kiss them both goodnight and give them tight hugs, wanting to tuck them in, but my body truly said 'no bitch, sit down' when I tried to stand.
I land on the nightly news when Danny takes a gapped seat beside me. "Doing everything for me won't gain everything back," I tell him.
He turns to me. "I know, but thats not why i'm doing it," he says and I meet his gaze. "You're everything to me and carrying our child, I'm not going to let you carry all my tossed pain and this physical pain and not help in every way possible," he tells me firmly.
"I told you you're not going through this alone, this is what that means," he continues. "I'm not waisting any second with you. So even if I become annoying and you want me away, i'll stay no matter how hard you push,"
I simply stare at him, the words processing in my mind. "Well, okay," I say and turn back to the T.V, my cheeks tinting at my awkwardness. You idiot.
He smiles gently at my awkwardness, but I choose to pretend I don't notice. The news finishes an hour or so later and even thought it's still quite early, I'm ready to just sleep on the couch.
Which I could do, since the quilt from our bed and my pillow are sprawled on the couch. "Why are the quilt and my pillow down here?" I ask Danny.
"I couldn't sleep without you, so I slept here," he tells me and my heart twists again. Oh.
He wished death on your brother. Called you all sorts of names you tried to forget through your entire childhood.
"Um, well I need my pillow. I'm going to bed," I say awkwardly.
He hands me my pillow and grabs the quilt. Turning the T.V off, he flicks off the lounge and kitchen lights, before following me down the hall and upstairs.
I'm quick to head to my room and change, ready to fall into the comfort of my bed. When my door creeks open and I stare in confusion as Danny holds two quilts and a pillow, laying the quilt on the floor beside my bed.
He chucks the pillow to the ground and places the other quilt on top of the other, making a make shift floor bed. What on earth is he doing?
"What are you doing?" I ask him.
He seems unbothered by my question. "Setting up my bed," he says as if it's totally normal.
"Yeah, I got that. Why are you sleeping in here?" I ask.
He faces me fully. "The only way I'll sleep in that bed, is if you're in it. I'm not spending another night sleeping away from you, and if that means I'm on the floor, so be it," he says and I huff.
"Danny, don't be stupid. Go sleep in your bed," I tell him, although half of me loves the gesture he's doing.
He's trying and I see it. He's full of regret and I feel it. But I'm not forgiving him so quickly, after he was so quick to blow up in my face.
"No," he says.
I'm taken back by the firm 'no', but refuse to argue because I'm fucking tired and need to go to bed this instant. Or I'll quite literally turn into a zombie, a pregnant zombie.
Yeah, still weird.
Snuggling under the covers, I peak over the edge of the bed, but jump back when I meet Danny's bare chest. Fucking christ, that really isn't at all helpful in this situation, especially when my body aches for his touch.
"Goodnight," he tells me.
"Goodnight," I reply back, flicking off my lamp and pulling the covers tightly around me. I'm quick to sleep as I focus on the cosy bedding, instead of the man I loathingly love that lays below.
***