Chapter Song - Wait by M83
As a nanny, my soul care and attention is to the child or children i'm caring for. Through the time I spend with them I gain real connections. I get worried when they're sick or injured and my stomach twists when they're sad. But the connection I have with the girls runs much deeper.
It feeds through my veins and straight to my heart, so whenever they cry, whine or show some ounce of pain my heart pangs in an unbearable twisting ache.
The connection is deeper with the girls because I see them every single day, from start to finish. I'm their for every excitement, achievement and joyous scream. Though the happy moments also come with the moments of fear from a nightmare, or sadness from bing bong dying in Inside Out.
I've seen it all.
It's obvious to anyone that I care about these girls more than myself, and I see them almost as my own. I know they're not, but when you see every moment in a child's life, good to bad and know every tiny micro expression of theirs, from the nose scrunch Hallie makes when she's about to cry or the type of sigh Bridie expresses when she's about to scream in anger.
I know them more than I know myself. This is an amazing thing, but it's also a scary thing...
At 12:32pm on this overcast Tuesday I receive a call. I pick out my phone from my pocket, like I always do. Not one part of my brain is in a panic or overdrive state as I commit this normal action. At that moment before the woman on the end of the line talks I'm okay, I'm not scared or panicked, or on the brink of crying.
It's once the woman talks, her voice solemn and full of empathy that my heart drops into my stomach and Bridie stares at my horror stricken face with worry. Her curious 'what's wrong?' questions fade out as the woman continues to talk.
She hangs up and for a moment I'm lost, then I click - snapping into a rush mode that freaks out Bridie and as I carry her to the car tears fall down her face.
"Hey, hey, shhh," I try to console her as I clip her into her carseat, tears streaming down her face as she sobs.
I wipe the tears and lean over her, pecking her forehead and cheeks until she calms down. Once she's calm and breathing steadily, I hop into the drivers seat and head straight for the hospital.
The hospital.
Either the worst place or best place for people. A place where peoples lives get saved and new life is brought into the world. It's also a place of death, sorrow and the place of dark memory for some.
My brain is foggy as I drive into the hospital and park in the first park I see in the crowded parking lot. "Lolli, what's wrong?" Bridie tugs on my shirt as I carry her into the hospital. My feet pounding against the concrete as I walk speedily to the front entrance of Lenox Hill Hospital.
"Um, just hold on a sec' and I'll explain," I tell her softly and she nods. "Just relax into my shoulder sweetie," I tell her, not wanting to make her panicked or scared.
Once I see Hallie and reach her, making sure she's okay- fuck, what if she isn't okay? Her allergy to nuts is really fucking bad, even them being near her can send her breathing into disarray and her throat to thicken up as her face swells.
No. She'll be okay.
Bridie buries her face into the crook of my neck, and her grip on my shirt tightens as I brush past others to reach the front desk.
"Um, Hallie Thompson," I tell the receptionist lady dressed in pink scrubs, my fingers tapping erratically on the marble counter.
Her face snaps up to me, and noticing my panicked look she types straight into her computer. "Level 4, room 431," she says and I'm heading straight to elevators just as she finishes her sentence. Maybe she has other things to say, I'm not sure. All I know is I need to get to Hallie, my heart is pounding and twisting so hard my chest feels tight and sore.
I feel ill. The elevator ride feels like centuries even though its only a few stories up. God, this is taking way to long.
There's three other people in this elevator. A man I'd say in his mid thirties, a woman and I'm assuming her teenage son. They seem calm, unlike me who's foot tapping echoes loudly through the quiet elevator and I gain stares from all three as my panicked state radiates off my body.
"Hello," Bridie smalls voice cuts through the silence. I look over my shoulder and notice the teenage boy smiling from Bridie's small introduction.
"Hi," he responds, and Bridie giggles softly.
"I'm Bridie," she says and at this moment a small smile graces my lips, because even though I'm worried, Bridie isn't and thats good - I don't want her to feel scared right now.
"Jared," the boy nods his head, and Bridie waves a small hand to him, and he waves back.
"Cute child you have," the boys mum compliments and I smile softly, not having the energy for a conversation.
"Best mummy ever," Bridie squeals and that gets a laugh out of the boy and the mother, I think even the other man in the corner. Mummy.
I have no time to dwell on Bridie calling me her mummy, before the elevator dings and Bridie bids a goodbye to the boy and his mother, before I rush out of the elevator. Scrambling around the halls, I find the floor reception desk and head towards it but I get cut off.
"Ms Collins?!" A woman's voice echoes down the hallway, and my head snaps towards a teacher - Hallie's teacher.
I breathe out and rush up to her. She's panicked and her hair is a little messy, along with her widened eyes.
"Where's Hallie?" I ask her, heading towards the room.
"She's inside, they're just checking on her. They gave her some Epinephrine and some other medicines to help with the reaction and inflammatory, and I think she's on oxygen now. They just told me to wait out here," she rushes out and I nod.
"Okay," I breathe. "Thank you," I tell her, she nods.
I take a seat on one of the waiting chairs outside of Hallie's room, and her teacher takes a seat next to me, Bridie relaxing in my arms. "What happened?" I ask her, she inhales before explaining.
"I'm not exactly sure, but it was break time and I was on yard duty at the playground. One of the kids ran up to me in a panic and started dragging me saying Hallie needed help, saying she wasn't breathing. I ran over and Hallie was holding her throat and her face was all red and she couldn't breathe," she explains and I suck in a sharp breath.
"I'm not sure if she accidentally ate something she shouldn't of and it contained nuts, because her friends know of her allergy. I called an ambulance and I rode with her until we got here, and they took her in," She finishes, a shy tear dripping down her face.
"I was fucking terrified, so I just grabbed her Epi pen and put it in her thigh," she says and I breathe in and out trying to hold in the thick emotion in my throat. My mind keeps thinking about Hallie, how scared she would've been.
"You did good," I tell her, not knowing what else to say. I'm so focused on trying not wake Bridie, who's somehow asleep, and i'm trying my best to hold in my own sobs.
I relax into the seat, than freeze. Danny. "Shit, I need to call-" I stumble, scrambling for my phone.
"Already called him," she says, I breathe a deep sigh and relax back into the incredibly uncomfortable chair.
As the minutes pass, my worry grows and all I want to do is run into the room and hold Hallie's hand. I don't want her to think i'm not here, all alone in a scary hospital surrounded by people she doesn't know.
"Are you all relatives of Hallie Thompson?" A doctor asks as he walks out of Hallie's room, and I'm up to my feet in a second.
"Yes, well, I'm her nanny. But yes, I'm a guardian," I ramble out to the doctor. I can't for the life of me keep my talking calm and neutral. I for myself to take a breath. "How is she?"
"Stable," he says and my shoulders relax. I feel so incredibly relieved I could fall to the ground, but I don't want to wake Bridie. "She had a severe reaction, you are aware of nut allergy?" he asks and I'm almost offended by his question, but he's being cautious and protective of his patient.
"Yes, it happened at school. We're not sure how she got the nuts, I'm assuming she must've ate something of someone elses without knowing," I explain. "She's well aware of her allergy," I tell the doctor and he nods.
"Did you administrate the Epi pen?" The doctor asks Mira - Hallie's teacher. I've only just remembered her name, my mind was in to much of a mess to think about her name.
"Yes," she answers.
"That saved her life," he tells her and she stumbles back a tad. The doctor grips her arm and I rub her back, thankful she was there in time.
"Can I see her?" I ask, and the doctor nods.
I hand Bridie over to Mira, then head towards her room, the doctor behind me. "She's asleep as of now, and on oxygen as her airways are quite swelled," he explains.
When I see her I gasp, my hand going over my mouth. I rush to her side, my hand instantly enveloping her limp one and I can't hold in the tears this time.
A thick oxygen tube feeds into her mouth and down her throat. Her hair is sprawled over the pillow, her face looking calm as always when she sleeps, but I know when she wakes up she'll be in pain, and I hope that isn't in a while. At least until Danny gets here.
Danny, who's in Boston on a work trip for some meetings with other CEO'S and executives. I'm not entirely sure, because it sounded boring - no offence to Danny, but business meetings aren't necessarily the most interesting topic to talk about.
I brush my hand over her cheek, then lean down to peck her forehead. "When will she wake up?" I ask the doctor as I stare at Hallie, not wanting her to leave my sight.
"Not entirely sure, I'd say in a few hours, but it just depends," he says, and I nod. I sniffle and wipe my tears, but another sob wrecks from my throat and I turn away from her so I can compose myself.
I need to get back to Bridie and tell her what happened - she'll be confused. Leaving Hallie, I step outside just as Bridie wakes up in Mira's arms.
She perks up and for a second, she's disheveled and confused, but I rush over to her and pull her into my arms. I tightly wrap my arms around her, hugging her to my chest, happy she's okay.
I place her on the ground and bob down to her level. "Bridie, I have to tell you something. It's going to sound scary and it'll make you sad, but I promise it's okay," I reassure her and she nods warily, still confused.
"Now you know how Hallie is really allergic to nuts?" I ask her and she nods. "Well, she accidentally had some today and she had a bad reaction to them. I'm not going to lie to you, but it was bad, but I promise she's okay," I say and she only stares at me, processing my words.
"We'll go in and see her," I point to her room. "But she might look a little different. She has a big tube down her throat helping her breathe, because her airways are a bit thick, but she's asleep right now," I tell Bridie, and her lip begins to quiver and eyes pool with tears.
I pull her to me and she lets out big sobs. I mutter sweet nothings in her ear and let her cry everything out before we go in to see Hallie again.
"Now, when we go in I need you to be strong, because Hallie needs her strong little sister right now," I tell her and she nods, wiping tears from her red cheeks. I kiss her cheeks, than pick her up, placing her on my hip.
"Are you ready? We can take some time if you're not," I ask.
She shakes her head. "No, I can do it," she sniffles, and I peck her forehead. I push open the heavy hospital door and we're welcomed into the dimly lit hospital room, the beeping of the machines that are attached to Hallie being the only noise.
Bridie lets out a whimper. "It's okay, I know it's scary, but she's okay," I whisper as Bridie cuddles into me, but still faces Hallie.
We reach Hallie's bed side and Bridie turns her head into my chest. "I know sweetie," I whisper and peck her head again.
"Do you want to hold her hand?" I ask her. There's no answer for a moment, but after a second she nods and pulls her head away from my chest.
I lean down a little so Bridie can reach Hallie's hand. Her small one instantly interlocks with Hallie's and she plays gently with her fingers.
"What if she's having bad dreams?" Bridie asks, looking at me with worry.
My heart flips. "Lets give her a kiss on the forehead, this will protect her from bad dreams," I tell Bridie. We lean down and I peck Hallie's forehead, followed by Bridie and she whispers 'sweet dreams' before cuddling back into my chest.
"Where's daddy?" Bridie asks.
"He should be here soon-" And on the dot like clockwork, rushed hard footsteps echo down the hospital hallway and Danny rushes into the room.
His eyes are red and worry lines crease his forehead and under eyes. He's frozen at the door when he see's Hallie and he covers his mouth with the back of his hand. With a harsh inhale, he walks over to Bridie and I.
"What did the doctor say?" he asks, staring at Hallie's still figure.
"She's stable, but her airways are swollen so she needs to the oxygen tube to help her breathe," I tell him and he runs a hand through his already messy hair. I can't imagine how stressed he would've been, getting a call that your daughter is in hospital and you're in another state.
He nods, then makes his way to Hallie, leaning down and kissing her forehead. His hand softly grabs hers and he rubs his fingers ever so delicately over her cheek.
"It's okay sweetie. I'm here, it's okay," he whispers. I pull a chair over from the corner of the room and drag it over to Danny, telling him to sit down. He hesitates but listens, and I grab another one sitting on the other side of the bed with Bridie in my lap.
"What the fuck happened?" he asks.
"Thats a bad word, daddy," Bridie's small voice mumbles and he looks up, realising that she's here. He didn't even acknowledged her when he walked in, which I guess he was busy with Hallie. But Bridie's also here and she's scared. I know, because I can still feel her still trembling in my arms as she cuddles into me.
"I'm sorry, sweetie," he smiles softly, getting up from his seat and making his way around the bed over to us.
"Are you okay?" he asks her, bobbing down beside the chair.
She nods. "Such a brave girl," he tells her, giving her a kiss on the cheek. He stands back up and crosses his arms over his chest.
"What happened?" His voice is gruffer, a hint of anger now in his voice.
I sigh, he better not get mad because it was an accident - no ones fault. "Not entirely sure, but Mira, Hallie's teacher thinks she accidentally ate something that contained nuts at break time. Her friends know about her allergy, she makes sure the class knows, she thinks she ate it without knowing," I explain and he says nothing, just nods.
"It was no ones fault Danny," I tell him and he breathes out harshly.
"It's always someones fault," he says gruffly, walking out of the hospital room, and an angered panic sets in my stomach.
"Are you okay staying with Hallie?" I ask Bridie firmly, I don't want to leave her if she's still a bit nervous.
She nods. "I'm brave, and I don't want her to be alone," she answers and I smile softly, telling her I'll be quick.
In a haste, I follow Danny outside into the empty hallway as he paces up and down the hallway - Mira nowhere in sight. "I can't believe this fucking happened. The teacher knows about her allergy, the kids know and the parents should fucking know that maybe it's not the smartest idea to pack nuts into their kids lunch knowing their classmate has a deathly allergy to them!" he begins shouting.
"Danny-" I try to calm him, but get cut off.
"I mean, I made that thoroughly clear when she started at that school that my daughter is deathly allergic to nuts, even the fucking smell can trigger a reaction. The school ensured me the parents will know, so why the fuck did she accidentally eat something with nuts and almost fucking die!" Danny continues, though he seems taken back by the last words that fell out of his mouth.
Hallie did almost die.
"She almost died," his voice cracks and my heart breaks. "I could've lost her," he says, placing his hand on his hips as he tries to brace himself.
His breathing is harsh as he tries to contain sobs. I rush over to him, grabbing his face between my hands. "Hey. Hey!" I shout, catching his attention. "She's okay, it was bad, but she's okay," I tell him, but he still looks frazzled as tears stream out his eyes. "Hallie is okay," I tell him firmly, and he nods slowly.
"She's okay," he whispers and I nod. I pull him to me and embrace him in a hug, although its more him hugging me because he's much bigger and taller than me.
His grip on me is tight and I rub his strong back soothingly. It's a strong hug, one that's relieving and not only relaxes Danny, but also me. In the matter of a few hours everything went from 0 to 100, from calm to manic and my body is now just reeling into relief.
I pull away when I see Mira walking down the hall, she has three coffee's in her hand. Thank the gods. "I got you guys some coffee, thought you might need it," she smiles softly and I nod, thanking her as I take the warm coffee in my hand and take a sip.
Danny just nods his head, then walks back into Hallie's room without a word. This isn't new behaviour though, he's chatty with the girls and I, but to anyone else you'd think he's mute.
"Is he okay?" Mira asks.
"Panicked, worried, like any parent would be in this situation," I answer her, and she nods dimly.
I can tell she's a little jittery from the last couple of hours. "You did everything you could, and you saved Hallie, it's okay," I tell her and she sighs.
"I know, but seeing a child like that, one you're responsible for amongst others kind of sticks in your mind. I keep wondering that maybe if I was watching the kids on the benches, or checked the kids food, I don't know, maybe she'd be better," she rambles, and I place a gentle hand on her arm.
"It's not your fault, it's no ones. It was an accident and she's okay," I tell her firmly and she nods her head, giving me a soft smile.
"I think i'll head out now," she says, grabbing her coat from the chair. "You have my number, so just keep me updated on her," Mira says and I nod. I watch her retreat down the white hallway, before heading back into the dreary hospital room.
Danny sits on the chair next to Hallie's bed and Bridie sits on his lap, cuddled up into his chest. I head over to Bridie and once she notices me, she makes grabby hands out to me. I love when she does that, it makes my heart swell knowing she wants me to hold her.
"I'm going to take her down to the cafeteria, get her some dinner. Did you want anything?" I ask Danny. He sighs deeply and leans back in the hospital chair, which I know is irritating him as he struggles to make himself comfortable.
"Uh, whatever they have is fine," He answers. I nod, before heading out, with Bridie in my arms.
We make our way down to the cafeteria, which is pretty quiet, but still fairly busy with nurses, doctors and other visitors eating dinner. I wonder if they're here for something good or maybe they're having the worst day of their lives, and are wondering if their loved one will live or not.
I hope not, but if thats the case, I hope they have a happy ending.
"Look sweetie, they have mac 'n' cheese," I lightly shake Bridie, pointing to the large tray of mac 'n' cheese that sits next to other trays of good food.
She reaches towards it in hunger, a gleam of happiness in her eyes I'm happy to see. I know she's still worried about Hallie, so I want to give her a distraction from everything right now. And food is one of the best ways, and I'll probably take her down to the kids centre after.
I grab a tray and fill a bowl of mac 'n' cheese for Bridie, then grab a salad for us to share and grab myself some chicken tenders and chips. For Danny, I grab him a bowl of pumpkin soup, knowing its his favourite and a small roll of bread.
"They have ice cream as well," I whisper and she gasps lightly. "We'll get some after dinner," I tell her and she nods.
I find an empty seat in the corner of the cafeteria, and give Bridie a fork for her mac 'n' cheese which she instantly digs into. I dig into mine, and place the soup aside with a lid over it to keep it warm.
"How are you feeling?" I ask Bridie as she sits in the large cafeteria chair, which makes her look tiny - it's so adorable.
She shrugs. "I just want her to wake up," she says.
"Me too," I answer, but she'll also be in a lot of pain and I'm not sure if I'm ready to see Hallie in that kind of pain. But I have to be strong for her and Bridie.
The two of us eat in silence and it feels strange. Bridie is always talking, especially when she's eating. She always has something to say and some opinion about everything, but as of right now she's the most quiet i've ever seen her be - I don't like it.
"How about after this we drop the food off to your dad, then go to the kids centre?" I ask her, she perks up and I smile softly. There's only so much she can handle seeing her sister in this state and I don't want scary thoughts to over crowd her brain, so a distraction with some toys should make her feel a little better.
Finishing our meals, I take our treys and place them with the other pile of dirty dishes, taking the other trey back to Hallie's room.
"Hey, I got you some soup and bread," I tell Danny, handing him the trey. He smiles up at me and mutters a simple 'thank you'.
"Are you all good here? I think I'll take Bridie to the kids centre for a distraction," I say to him, he nods again.
I give Hallie another kiss on her cheek and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. Bridie kisses her hand before we leave and head down to floor 3 - the kids centre.
It's quiet when we reach the centre, but it is late at night so I wouldn't assume many kids would be here. Bridie runs into the colourful room and sits herself in front of the doll house, scrambling through the box of furniture and beginning to set up a house. I take seat with the other parents and sit myself next to another woman.
"You again," the woman next to me says and I frown, before I realise its the woman from the elevator.
"Oh, hi," I smile softly. From what I remember she had a teenage son, around my brothers age and I can tell you right now he wouldn't be seen near the kids centre.
She notices my confusion. "I'm here with my grandson, my older daughter just had her second child," she explains with a happy gleam in her eye and I nod in realisation.
"Congratulations, girl or boy?" I ask her, happy that at least someone else is having a good day.
"Girl, but we all thought it would be another boy. Our family is riddled with boys, so this is the first girl in a while," she chuckles and I smile softly. "My son is great with my grandson and he was so excited to meet his new niece, he's great with kids," she continues to talk and I find comfort in her chatter.
"My little brother's the same, he's amazing with Bridie and her older sister Hallie," I comment and she smiles. The two of us continue to chat as I watch Bridie play dolls. As half an hour passes, I decide we should probably head back to the room and see how Hallie and Danny are doing.
"It was great chatting with you," I tell the woman, and she smiles. I grab Bridie and we walk back to our room, taking the elevator than walking down the dim ghost hallways. Hospitals are always so creepy at night.
Once we arrive, Bridie takes a seat in the corner recliner and is out like a light in an instant. So I grab Danny's coat and drape it over her so she stays warm.
I stand beside Danny as he sits in the chair, his shoulders are tense and I can tell from his red eyes and disheveled hair he's incredibly tired. It also doesn't help he was on a work trip before hand and had to rush to get here, probably leaving not much time for rest and sleep.
He tends to over work quite a lot I've notice and goes to sleep late most nights. "You should go get some rest, put Bridie to bed," I tell him and he looks up at me with soft tired eyes.
"I can stay," he tells me.
I shake my head. "No, go home. Get some sleep and put Bridie to bed, I'll call you if anything changes," I tell him firmly, almost as an order.
He stares at an unconscious Hallie, before sighing loudly and getting up from the chair. He stretches and I ignore the flutter my body makes as his shirt rides up and shows the happy trail leading elsewhere.
"Thank you," he smiles softly at me and I pat his bicep.
"Go home," I tell him and he nods. He scoops an asleep Bridie in his arms and she instantly cuddles to his chest as his coat hangs around her.
I take a seat in the same chair Danny was sitting in and lean back. Soon enough my eyes droop and todays exhaustion catches up to me...
***