Mackenzie
She left.
Well, she hadn't left yet, but she was leaving. Thalia was currently at my place packing her stuff up to go to her new place. Wherever that would be.
I grunted as I threw a punch at my opponent, the poor guy barely dodging. We kept going, with me using way too much force while he scrambled around. It only lasted a couple more minutes before Paul stopped and glared at me.
"What?" I shrugged.
"Stop hitting me. It hurts." He muttered and got out of the ring.
"It's boxing!" I called after him. "You're supposed to get hit."
Still walking away, Paul shot me an annoyed look over his shoulder.
Sighing, I moved to the boxing bags to let out my frustrations. I spent more than enough time beating up the inanimate object before I decided to be done with my workout. After my shower, I found my friend attempting to flirt with the new receptionist.
I visibly cringed at his stuttering but stayed at a decent distance while waiting. A short moment later, a flustered man dragged his feet as he walked my way. Paul sighed and lazily gestured to the door, not waiting for me to leave.
I jogged to his side, asking in a soft tone. "No luck?"
He grunted with a shrug of his shoulders. "Living in the same town your entire life sucks. If the girls don't see you as a dweeb, you're their brother. Or as that one in there put it, I'm 'Paul who stuck crayons up his nose and made elephant noises.' So stupid."
"Ever thought of moving?" I asked as we walked slowly towards my place.
"Why?" Paul had a genuinely confused look on his face.
I opened my mouth but decided to let it go. "No reason, man."
"Oh, okay."
On our walk to my building, my company would say something once in a while. But I barely heard him. My mind had already drifted to the woman at home. The woman who was getting ready to leave me. I wondered If she was done packing and gone by now. At that thought, I could feel the tightness in my chest. I didn't know how to feel when it came to Thalia anymore.
"I told Thalia I love her." I mumbled out, cutting off Paul's story about getting his head stuck in a fence one time.
"Huh?" He chuckled awkwardly. "Oh. Oh. You did? That's- how did that go?"
"I probably shouldn't have. Maybe it was too soon? Or not the right time? It just kinda...came out of my mouth and the next thing I know, she's saying she's leaving." I rambled. "All I know is, I feel like someone took a hammer to my chest."
"Fuck. Maybe me not finding anyone isn't so bad. This is what? The second woman you fall for and they don't love you back. Damn, Jace. Maybe you just have shit luck." He muttered, eyes forward until he realized I was glaring at him. "Sorry, buddy."
Though I knew his words were true, I still felt like there was something between Thalia and I. We'd come so far since our very first meeting. And even if she wasn't the best at expressing herself, I knew she did have her moments where she did.
Thalia
Take me as I am
Broken beyond repair
A life I'd once given up on
Only here because of fear
My hands stilled around the rope
Strained from pulling too hard
A sharp razor sliced across delicate skin
Just wasn't deep enough
The bruises have long faded
But the pain stays fresh
A life so desperate to be ended
I am breathing, I am trying
To rid myself of that heavy feeling
My lungs craves for air
My heart cries for love
Would anyone love the damaged person I've become?
Broken beyond repair
A life barely hanging on
A hope once loud, now silenced by despair
I put the pen between the pages and closed the book. Still sitting on the grass, my eyes trailed over the name engraved on the tombstone. I inhaled deeply, that same longing making itself known again.
Checking the time, I figured it was time to head back and finish packing. I should've been done by now, considering I didn't have much of anything to pack anyway. Each time I tried, my hands somehow felt heavier and my legs unable to hold my weight up.
I took another prolonged look at the tombstone before standing. I dusted off the dirt on my pants and made my way out of the cemetery. I strolled back to the apartment and lazily ascended the three flights of stairs. I entered and immediately experienced that same heavy weight.
I had just picked up a shirt to fold after putting my book away when I heard her come in, a male voice accompanying that laughter of hers. All my strength was suddenly gone and I allowed my body to fall on the bed in a seating position.
It took a while for Kenzie to come in, and I knew she must've forced herself to do so. Fumbling with the material in my hands, I kept my eyes lowered.
"Almost done?" She asked and I could still hear that voice saying 'I love you.'
I nodded. "Almost done."
She lingered near the door and I stayed sitting, the thumping in my chest getting close to being unbearable. I bit into my bottom lip, a lame attempt at hiding my emotions. But all I could hear was her saying she loved me. Her voice was on repeat, the words soft and so gentle, genuine. My heart and mind still didn't believe them.
"Why?" I asked in a whisper.
A pause before, "why what?"
"Why didn't you leave me alone?" With great effort, I met her eyes with my own. "All you had to do was leave me alone. Why did you keep coming back, Kenzie?"
The woman visibly grew sadder and I wanted to kick myself for being the reason for it. Her right hand came up, rubbing harshly at her forehead and then clasping with her left. My eyes took in the way they wrung together, a tight grip.
"I wanted to see you smile." She admitted. "I'd never seen you smile, that's why I tried so hard. Then I saw it, your smile, and I wanted more. But then you laughed or was it a giggle? I wanted more of that too. I'm not sure which is my favorite, so I kept coming back. I like the way your eyes light up, the way your cheeks lift and the slow way your lips curve. It's really simple, Thal, the reason why I pestered you so much. I just...wanted to see you smile and now, I keep wanting more. I can't stop. So, please. Believe me."
A small whimper left my throat unexpectedly and I quickly composed myself. "That's not how it works."
"How what works?"
I stood in anger. "You can't just say all these nice things and expect me to fall for you!"
"Say? What am I just saying, Thalia?" She was angry now. "I think my actions are proof too. And let me be very clear, when I first met you, I didn't do anything with a hidden agenda. I only wanted to be your friend, but then my feelings grew."
"I know that." I said through clenched teeth.
"Then what is it?!"
"I can't shut it off!" I yelled back. "Just because you're sweet and considerate, saying the right things. Doing the right things. You're amazing, kind, loving, funny and thoughtful. You're everything that can make a woman happy and more. But I can't just believe you. I don't know how. Insecurities and fears just don't go away, Kenzie. I'm still fucked up."
"And that's fine." Her voice was soft again. "I'm not trying to fix you, Thal. I just want to be here for you. I know I might have said I love you too soon, but I promise, I meant it. And it's fine if you don't feel the same way or want to remain friends, but please, don't cut me out of your life."
I walked to the bed and grabbed a fistfull of my hair. "I..."
"Tell me, Thal." She tentatively coaxed.
I exhaled, desperate to keep the tears away. "No one's ever wanted me before. It's a lot. All these emotions I feel. Overwhelming and crippling. I lied to you, when I told you I had nothing to give. Nothing I was willing to give. I lied. Feelings, emotions, wants, needs. There's so much I want to give, I just don't know how to, Kenz."
"You want to?" She tried to speak calmly, but I heard the slight waver in her tone.
My lips trembled to say something I'd never told anyone before, but as always, I shoved all those memories down. "I don't know how." I repeated.
Kenzie came into my view when she knelt in front of me, hands on either side of me. "You don't have to know right now. Maybe little by little you learn."
"I spent so much time being alone. I'm comfortable with that." I whispered to her. "Or I used to be."
Kenzie looked around her bedroom. "Are you leaving?"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
"Even if you do leave this apartment, don't leave me."
My eyes flicked around her face, the sad eyes and pouty mouth. "Okay."
"Okay?" She asked with uncertainty.
"Okay." I confirmed.
The woman nodded as she stood, heading for the door before turning around. "Okay what? Just to be sure."
A smile almost showed on my lips, almost. "Little by little."
She did smile, and it compelled mine to come out of hiding.
-E