The next few days were miserable. I didn’t attend classes because I was too scared to see Sam. I couldn’t bear the sight of her after what happened.
I just laid in bed for most of the day for the next few days after it. And I knew that would just make me feel worse but I really couldn’t be bothered to do anything else.
Out of all the people I could fall for, I fell for the only one I couldn’t have. I’d always do things like those, basically auto-sabotage myself. And I’d never learn from my mistakes.
What happened wasn’t even my fault, she’s the one who started the kiss and everything, but I somehow felt like it was.
I should have distanced myself from her before a slight infatuation became a full-blown crush. If I’d done that she wouldn’t have fallen for me.
The fact that she was so cold in her behavior really didn’t help all of that. If only she had shown the interest in me she claimed to have, we both could have realized what was happening before it was too late.
No matter what, I felt extremely guilty.
And when I was in a bad mood for some reason all I could do, as I said, was do nothing and stay in bed all day. Crying or overthinking until I consumed myself. Or both, really.
I tried calling Vic a few times, but she was really busy with college and tried her best to talk to me as much as she could, but having her on the phone was just not as reassuring as having her actually in front of me.
Skipping class was not a good thing to do and I knew it, but seeing Sam was the worst possible thing to happen to me at that moment. I was sure that I wouldn’t have been able to pretend that I was feeling fine and I didn’t want her to see that I wasn’t well because of her.
Another big problem about the situation was that Mei was obviously wondering why I hadn’t been attending classes. I’d told her I had a fever and wasn’t feeling well in general, but I didn’t know how long I could have kept lying to her like that.
She’d always write to me to ask how I was and to update me on college related stuff. After almost a week of not seeing me she asked if she could come to my apartment to check up on me and just keep me company.
I knew she’d started to suspect there was more than a fever behind my behavior. And maybe a bit of company couldn’t harm me, considering I literally hadn’t seen anyone in those days.
So I gave her my address and waited for her to stop by, praying that she wouldn’t casually bump into Sam as she entered the building.
She luckily didn’t.
After about half an hour at the end of classes that day I heard the doorbell ring. I got up, trying to ignore the flashbacks of hearing that sound as Sam was behind the door, and opened it.
In front of me was Mei wearing denim overalls with a white vest under, the pair of docs and the steel chain necklace she always seemed to be wearing. The late afternoon light that came from the window gave her bronze toned skin some sort of glow.
“Hey girl! How are you feeling?” she asked, entering the flat.
"Definitely better than the past few days” I said. I was lying but couldn’t really tell the truth to her. “Come in, we can sit on the couch I guess. If it’s able to hold two people” I laughed realising how ridiculous my small ass couch looked.
I also had to keep reminding myself I was supposed to be recovering from a bad fever and fake-coughed every few seconds.
“Glad to hear, '' she said, also laughing at the couch, as she sat and placed her backpack next to her, opening it. “I printed out a few of my notes from classes” she continued, taking a folder with written pieces of paper out of the bag.
“Thanks, you really didn’t have to! You could have just sent me the file”
“You told me you prefer studying written stuff rather than on a screen. It’s the least I could do” she smiled. She seemed genuinely happy to see me. But maybe it was just because she was kind with everyone.
“Oh, well, thank you so much, I really appreciate it” I said as I turned the pages of the notes, trying to get an idea of how much stuff I’d missed.
“Don’t worry, you didn’t miss that much, most of the professors are taking it slow with the program, luckily” she said, probably seeing the worried look on my face. “The only one who seems to be in a hurry for some reason is Collins. Half of those are from her class” she added, pointing towards the paper in my hands.
As soon as I heard her name everything in my body seemed to have stopped working, resulting in me basically choking on my own saliva.
“You good?” Mei asked, with a mix of worried and amused look on her face.
“Yeah…yeah I think so” I said through a cough and another. “Told you I still have a tickle in my throat” I luckily had a valid excuse.
“Yeah,I gathered. Was about to ask if you’re coming back to classes tomorrow but I’m not sure you should now” she laughed.
“I’ll wait another few days, I guess”
I really had to decide when to go back, though. I couldn't keep missing stuff because of the dumb reason I wasn't going.
"Oh, also," the short-haired girl added, opening her backpack. "I bought you some ice-cream. Figured out you might appreciate it" she took a small pint of ice cream in her hands.
Ben and Jerry's almond milk cookie dough was literally my favourite ice cream flavour ever and I was sure I'd never even told her.
"How did you know I love this flavour?" I laughed.
"Don't know. Had a feeling, I guess" she playfully winked.
We proceeded to talk about college and random stuff while eating ice cream for the next two hours without realizing so much time had passed. And by talk I meant she talked and I sometimes intervened with short phrases.
I didn’t mind at all, though. I enjoyed listening to stories about her friends, people I don’t even know, and her childhood.
About her almost getting arrested because of stealing some candy, about her getting stuck on a tree when she was five years old, about her numerous ways to cheat on tests she used during high-school tests.
She’d probably told them many other times but she seemed truly excited to repeat them.
Some kind of glow lit up in her dark eyes when she could talk to someone who listened to her and that made me so happy for her that I honestly never wanted her to stop.
“I’d ask if you wanna stay for dinner but I’m really running short on food up here. I need to go shopping as soon as I can now that I’m feeling better. The ice cream really was a life saver” I laughed.
“It’s okay, I gotta go anyway, the Subway that gets to my flat from here runs until like 8pm. Have no idea on why” she scoffed as she gathered her stuff.
“That’s kind of dumb”
“I know right?”
“Thank you for the visit, though. I really appreciated it” I couldn’t help but say as Mei got up and headed towards the door.
“Yeah, no problem, really. I’m glad I came” she smiled. “Let me know if you need anything. Like, even if it’s just talking to someone. I’ll be glad to listen and help if I can in some way”.
I knew she’d understood that maybe a fever wasn’t the only thing keeping me away from college. I wasn’t that good at pretending I was sick.
“Oh, uhm, thank you. Really.” was the only thing I could blurt out.
“Hope to see you again in these next few days, then” she said, exiting my place and going in for a hug.
I hugged her back, smelling a sweet and minty perfume on her neck’s skin. I once again tried to ignore the flashbacks of that one specific hug with Sam in that exact same spot, a month before.
“Bye then” she said, lifting a hand and going down the stairs. “I’m pretty sure I almost died when climbing up these stairs, also” I heard her say from a distance.
“You’re not the first one to tell me that” I laughed.
I shut the door and took a deep breath. Maybe isolating myself for so long just made me feel worse, I’d felt better in those few hours than in the whole previous week.
And I managed not to think about Sam, which was one of the only things I’d been doing.
As soon as I thought of that my phone buzzed, and when I picked it up I couldn’t help but be in shock about the fact that this woman seemed to be able to basically read my mind.
I suddenly felt a surge of anxiety coming back.
sam: Was going to come upstairs but figured out you don’t want to see me. Just wanted to tell you that not attending classes just to avoid me isn’t that good for you.
sam: Hope you’re okay and that I’ll see you soon.
I didn’t even want to answer the texts, I didn’t care if she saw I’d left her on read. I was still kind of mad at her.
But I had to admit she wasn’t wrong. I knew I had to go back to college, soon or later.
I needed to get my shit together, I just didn’t know how to and when.
I couldn’t just abruptly try to go back to my normal life all of a sudden because I knew my anxiety wouldn’t allow me to do that, I was going to have to take at least a day to get used to “normal” life again. At least a day. And then I had to try to go back. Or at least, force myself to.
I slept weirdly well that night, probably because of the mental exhaustion.
The next day I managed to get out of bed before eleven, something I’d been doing for the past week. I dressed in clothes that weren’t my pajamas. I cleaned the flat a bit.
I also went out to buy some groceries, since I was basically out of everything, accurately choosing a time during which I knew Sam was busy teaching.
In that way I adjusted to the feeling of being outside again, which I hadn’t experienced in a week by then.
By evening I finally felt more clear headed and calm, ready to go back to my usual life regardless of Sam. I knew that deep down my feelings for her had never gone away, but I needed them to go away as soon as possible, whatever that meant.
As the evening was approaching and I’d finally eaten some proper food I laid on my bed, realizing that I hadn’t used my phone since that morning, which was surprising for me, considering my usual way too high screen time.
I picked it up, seeing more text notifications than I thought there would be. One from Mei, three from Vic, and two from Sam.
mei :) : heyy, how are u feeling? starting to feel sad without u in class :/
vic<3: hey, hope you’re feeling better than u did when u called the other day
vic<3: sorry if i haven’t been available as much as i wish i could be:(
vic<3: u can call anytime today or tomorrow if u feel like it, i miss you so sooo much
sam: If I don’t see you in class tomorrow I’ll come upstairs, I don’t care if you don’t want to see me.
sam: Don’t want to sound harsh, I’m just worried. Hope you’re okay.
I told Mei and Vic that I was feeling way better and that I was probably going to go back to college the following day.
I decided to call Vic before going to bed, seeing that it would have probably cleared my head from thoughts that were going to make it hard for me to fall asleep.
Sam’s texts were left on read, I didn’t know if I wanted to reply or not. If I told her I was going back and didn’t, for some reason, she’d have thought I was purposely lying to her.
Her class was the last one I had the following day so I might have just randomly bailed out at the last moment. Even if I was hoping that wouldn’t happen.
The next morning I got up trying not to overthink about everything too much. I stayed in a kind of dissociated state of mind until I got to campus.
Before I could think of anything I felt someone's grip, recognizing Mei’s arms hugging me from behind.
“Hey girl!” she said before I even saw her face.
“Hi! You scared me a bit there” I laughed, turning towards her.
“Goal achieved, then” she proudly said. “I guess you’re feeling better, huh?”
“I definitely am” I smiled. That might not have been the complete truth but it wasn’t a lie either. I was genuinely feeling less anxious and more confident than I did a few days before.
We headed to the first class of the day and I had to admit it felt good to be back.
During lunch Mei reminded me that Halloween was just about a week away, she seemed really excited for the party we were allegedly going to, so I really didn’t want to disappoint her by telling how little I wanted to go.
As I said, I never really celebrated Halloween so I told her I didn’t even own a costume or had any ideas on what to wear, she just ambiguously said she’d take care of it. Whatever that meant.
Once 4pm, the time in which Sam’s class started, arrived, I started to feel on edge again. I tried to remind myself that my only job was to listen to the lesson and take notes, I didn’t need to focus on who the person teaching was. Even if it was going to be hard.
As soon as Sam entered the room her eyes immediately locked with mine, a somewhat reassured look appearing on her face. And that was enough for me to feel my heart skipping a beat.
I hadn’t seen her in over a week and as much as I didn’t want it to be like that, I really did miss seeing her flawless face and hearing her voice.
I let out a maybe too loud sigh of frustration.
“You good?” Mei asked.
“Yeah, just a bit of a headache” I lied, taking a sip of water.
As two long and suffered hours went by we got up and collected our stuff.
“You should come to my place after classes sometime, you know?” Mei said.
“Uh, yeah, sure. I’d be glad to”
“Cool! Just let me know when you feel like it. So I can tell my roommates to keep their stuff tidy that day” she laughed.
“Of course” I also laughed.
We were about to exit the room when we heard a voice coming from the main desk.
“Miss Brown, may I have a word with you?” Sam called me.
“Shit” I whispered, my body freezing.
“Don’t worry, she probably just wants to ask why you’ve missed class recently” Mei also whispered.
“Yeah…I guess so” I said, gesturing to her to go ahead. I didn’t want her to have to wait for me. Or to hear whatever Sam had to tell me.
“Here I am” I said with a very low voice, turning towards Sam.
Flashbacks of the last time we'd seen each other started to appear in my mind.
“Here you are” she smiled. “I’m really happy to see you’re back. I wanted to tell you in person and knew you wouldn't appreciate it if I came upstairs”
“That’s not true”
“Isn't it?” she raised an eyebrow, as if to wait for an answer.
“Okay. Maybe not completely. Maybe it’s valid just for the past few days”
“Hmm. Didn’t want to risk” she shrugged. “Anyway, please don’t start avoiding me, I’d hate to not hear from you anymore” she said, lowering her voice.
“I won’t” I said, trying not to smile as wide as I wanted to. “I was just mad at you. Very mad, to be honest”
“Understandable”
“Yeah. But you can’t pretend things between us are the same as before”
“I know. I hope they can go back to that, though. Soon or later”
“Yeah” I said, wondering what she meant by that, but not wanting to discuss it in a college classroom.
“I’d ask if you wanted to go home together but I have stuff to do in my office before” she said, grabbing the pale blue shirt that was placed on her chair.
“No worries. It’d be weird to be seen together, anyway”
“Depends. But yeah, maybe you’re right. See you tomorrow, then?”
“Huh?”
“In class” she chuckled, looking amused.
“Oh, class. Right. Yeah, see you tomorrow” I smiled, heading towards the exit.